Sentiments that revolve, beyond the point of practicality, around the notion of having to be proactive in reminding people not to treat me a particular way – or to act a certain way in order to discourage them from taking advantage of me – anger me.
Whether something is just sort of rests upon whether or not you decide not to do it even when it's most advantageous to you; it's not my job to keep you moral.
While thoroughly unrelated to what I'm going to actually announce, I'm going to tell you all anyway because it salved my otherwise shitty night. I was able to get the most updated version of WINE on my Linux distribution (32-bit when I have 64-bit but, still).
WINE 1.4 was not being remotely useful. A lot of Windows applications I wanted to run wouldn't work, including many that had been working previously when I had WINE on Ubuntu. With the most current version now, Photoshop works again (and, it seems, even more stable than before; plus it's much faster than 1.4 was) which is amazing; I was going crazy trying to hack crap together with The Gimp or having to reboot into my Windows each time to use Photoshop. MAGIX Movie Maker is better put together graphically but, surprisingly, is able to load songs now (it wouldn't do this back on Ubuntu; I wonder if it has something to do with a bug being fixed or, somehow, because I'm running Debian); once again, this makes not having to run back into Windows to do things much better. And, most importantly, The Incredible Machine: Contraptions works once again!
Bioshock, still, works perfectly until the main menu, during which it displays everything but the menu options. And Super Meat Boy only half works, with most of the visuals being static-y garbage. Of course, Bioshock barely worked on Windows and I haven't tried Super Meat Boy there yet so I'm not really complaining.
It's so much faster and more stable (and works more often) than before. My computer is finally feeling usable and functional again.
Alright, now to my real announcement. I've decided as to where I'm moving myself.
I had a strong feeling Tumblr would win out and it has (my username wasn't even taken so you can find me at thirst2.tumblr.com). Most importantly, Tumblr has a real sense of community and I need that after coming from Xanga. For some of the smaller, slower places that people have pointed over the past month, it's undeniable that community could be formed over time (I sometimes wonder, were I to be introduced to Xanga for the first time now, would I be pulled in or find no appeal? Of course, at the time of finding Xanga, I was looking for someplace to hide and not necessarily for community). But Tumblr is just so much more greatly put together. Everywhere else seems like whoever put it together didn't have any remote graphic design (or simply design) sense (which, to be fair, Xanga didn't quite either at the beginning but no where near as bad), with slight exception to LiveJournal. But if they pass that first test, they fail in terms of customability.
Which speaking of, I thought Xanga had a ton? Tumblr literally let's you craft the HTML yourself while using widgets (for posts, comments, etc.). If I really wanted to, I could probably just make a website there without using any of the Tumblr widgets (though I wouldn't be able to host any files, admittedly). I kind of can't see any reason why someone wouldn't be able to launch the same sort of JavaScript attack that got Xanga in trouble from Tumblr, really.
Which brings us to the last criterion that it needs to fill in trying to imitate Xanga: privacy. This one was my big worry and I figured Tumblr was going to fail hard. Privacy hasn't been so much of an issue for me (protected posting is nice but not necessary and Tumblr has a private post option like most blogging places) but I know plenty here who very much care about privacy.
First and foremost, Tumblr does allow you to declare your blog private. What happens is you give it a password and anyone who visits has to input that password. Thus, you could give out the password to those you want to read your site and they could then be the only ones to view it. It's not as elegant as Xanga's system of having the web browser handle whether or not you can view a site but it's better than nothing. Plus you can't have your main blog as private so you have to create a second one under your account to do that.
Another option is to simply not display any HTML. The drawback is that anyone following you would be only able to catch your updates as they came up on zir dashboard. It's not very organized though only a problem if you desire to allow your followers to read your old posts again (I like to allow that, myself). While your followers can read your updates in their dashboard, nothing shows up at your site ([your username].tumblr.com) because it is devoid of any HTML and thus doesn't display anything.
Something a little more elegant that I like is the ability to set the tags of a post to the class of the HTML tag which you can then do what you want with CSS. For example, you could say that for every class (/tag) called "private", display:none; the post (this doesn't work for Google Chrome and I'm trying to find a fix). This means that anyone who visits your site can't see the posts tagged with "private" but your followers can view the posts in their dashboard. If you tell them the name of the special tag, they can even search for that tag in their dashboard and see the posts you want only them to see. It essentially mimics Private Posting.
The flaw in this is that anyone can follow your Tumblr, regardless of whether you want them to or not. I suppose you could block every use who follows you if you don't know who they are but that seem not very friendly. Another option is to tag each post with the special tag. Therefore, your Tumblr looks absolutely blank to the public while your follows can still fetch all of your posts by searching for the special tag.
In any case, it all underscores the fact that there really isn't anything that can replace Xanga. This is just the best one.
I know a lot of you were considering LiveJournal. It's my third choice so I'll migrate there as well if a bunch of you head there and can't bear to be on Tumblr. There are people here who shaped me in ways I wasn't expecting and I hope to not lose touch with everyone.
It's been an experience with you all.
We went to see a parade in Barrington today for the 4th. This already feels like it's going to sound like a play-by-play and disjointed but oh well.
Towards the end, there was this girl handing out BBQ pulled-pork (I think? Can't remember) samples for a restaurant in the downtown. It was pretty good so, for lunch, we all decided to go down there.
I still don't remember if I was simply caught off guard (we happened to notice the girl who gave us the samples behind the counter when we arrived) or if there really was just something there but I was rather thoroughly struck by…I dunno, how open and friendly the other girl behind the counter seemed.
I don't know whether I've necessarily ever discussed here (or anywhere, for that matter) why I always keep such a buoyant outward mood to the point of (I feel like it sometimes becomes) being exaggerative (I was going to also say hyperbolic but I think, given the definition of hyperbole, I would actually be okay with it being hyperbolic; it fits the bill). Yes, sure, there's the old I-have-depression-and-don't-want-to-drag-you-down-with-me but you don't have to even necessarily be outwardly happy to do that. Being anti-social and not talking to people could accomplish that one.
It's that, one, I legitimately just want to get along with everyone and like being nice to people. I know it doesn't fit the motif of being mysterious or withdrawn or stoic for masculinity but I just feel happier being open with people. I want to be friendly.
But it's also that people just seem to tend to be…unfriendly. And for seemingly no good damn reason. My brother and I were discussing race and I mentioned that, up North, I really don't seem to find that awkwardness that I've heard other people mention. He responded that he feels that all the time. Now, this is the kid who has diamond earrings and had an afro that is now dreadlocks; he's not exactly ducking into traditional white social mores in regards to his appearance. And I'm not saying that getting poor responses to his physical dress is not a problem; far be it for me to ever do that. Nor am I saying that the North is devoid of racism (one of the points of credit that the movie Premium Rush – about bike messengers in NYC – received was that it was one of the few Hollywood movies to depict the racial diversity of NYC more accurately to what NYC is actually like; to be fair, you'd never be able to levy such a complaint, ever, about Chicago and there's no way that that's an accident). And it's not like there weren't people in high school who found fit to define me by my race first (generally joking and friends I was close with so I generally didn't mind but, still, there was a slight trend which just highlighted further the fact that I probably knew a grand total of five other black students only once I got to my Senior year). And, certainly, being followed around in a convenience store is not the same as the number of racial jokes rising the moment I enter the group which is also not the same as people giving my brother dirty stares because of his hair style (which may just be because they're unfamiliar with the hair style and find it unkempt, etc.); those are all very different, complex situations.
But I find, even for generally straight-laced me, that people are continually just bizarrely rude. Or awkward (without, to me, reason to be but I can make a pretty mean awkward situation in my own right so I probably shouldn't hold anyone to task for that one). Despite my being overly friendly, people don't precipitate. And maybe it is a race thing; I dunno, maybe my brother's right. Regardless, people aren't friendly because they're generally stupid and so I just smile and be friendly and ask questions or make jokes and I don't give a damn whether you laugh or respond or shit.
But it also means I'm all the more happy and thankful when I find someone who actively tries to be friendly to others as well. I like friendliness. It's in low supply and helps the world go round.
In any case, my brother and I have gotten into the habit of, after running into a girl somewhere, questioning whether she was actively flirting with either of us. I think it's partially from irony given the fact that I generally assume not and tend to be the shy one of the group (the conversation usually goes with me saying, "Naw…" while my brother, and maybe a third party, going, "Ohh, yeah, it was definitely obvious!") but also just to be ridiculous. After all, friendliness certainly does not necessarily flirtation mean.
You can imagine how the conversation throughout lunch might go. This isn't helped by the fact that the girl stops over at our table to pet my sister's dog (though, to be fair, the girl came back later to ask if she could take a picture of Shiver to show her mom since she used to have a dog of the exact same breed; I may be bad at flirting but I'm pretty sure you use the dog to start the conversation and then direct your attention to whomever you're interested in flirting with).
Of course, my mother doesn't seem to exist for any other reason than to try to play matchmaker for all her children at every second of every day. And, being my mother, the reason she uses is that "She's pretty."
I actually would have said gorgeous but that's neither here nor there (I almost want to describe her but I can't really without beginning to strongly feel like I'm objectifying so I won't; the point for doing so is that, while not greatly, I think she fell outside, somewhat, "mainstream" beauty standards. Part of my own drawing, I imagine, and also why my mother described her as pretty while I'm using much stronger language).
But as I'm mulling these thoughts over…what real defense do I have to ask this girl out? I mean, I'm in an unfortunate place emotionally while trying to get my life together. I'm still not done with my hermit-ing to heal myself for the future that may lose me near to all my friends come the end (there's only so long any person should have to endure the isolation of another). That's not a wise position to start anything with anyone, really.
But, even beyond that…she seems really friendly and she likes dogs (something which is very wonderful in any person; pets can potentially tell you quite a bit about a person). And that's it. Well, she also works at this restaurant which potentially looks family owned. Which is interesting but doesn't necessarily mean anything. And when you compare that to the many more things that entail any form of a relationship, those few things are downright minimal. Certainly nothing that can justifying trying to start a relationship given the position I'm in with my life.
And, most of the time I was there, I found myself drawn to her…but on what basis? Even I couldn't really answer you that beyond that I found her pretty. And while I've played with the notion of how people look playing into who they are as a person, I more often find that that area is so phenomenally complex that you generally can't glean anything from there without knowing more about the person to start connecting dots (if physical appearance beyond how a person dresses/styles themselves can tell you anything at all). Even I tried, all I could really boil it down to is a hunch: she seemed interesting. Maybe she would be; I wouldn't know.
But it just overwhelmingly confronted me with the fact that, as a system, physical attractiveness still completely and utterly eludes any logical attempts to justify itself. Certainly to fit into just about any merit-based system that we, as humans, have ever devised (which, really, are just about the only systems I'm interested in using).
I think that I can honestly say that this, more than anything, is what makes me question the notion of a God that created an ordered and logical universe. The more I think about it, the more that it being just a byproduct of evolution and pure chance that worked seems to be the only answer that rightly explains its existence.
Because I can, at times, be of poor memory, and the remembrance of memories is all that is left of what ever happened:
It was during finals period of this last school year. In my absolute anxiety, I hadn't bothered to've started writing my 15 page rough draft for my final paper for my WGSS senior seminar until the point that the paper was due. Between staying up and lightly sleeping in the hopes of even starting the damn thing, I had a raging headache by the time night had rolled around. Needless to say, I was miserably irate and depressed.
As I was rushingly trying to finish this late draft, I happened to notice it was 10 or 11 and that Theology on Tap had started. Based off of a Catholic event that had started in Chicago, Williams's version was to get all of the chaplains together, and students would ask them any question they wished regarding religion. It's one of my favorite events of the year, not held too frequently, and I had already missed the last one or two times it had last occurred. I figured the brief escape might help my morale to some degree.
I was partially wrong. A few students were questioning the history of the church and Father Caster was feeling harassed (I expect his family troubles didn't help to put him in any sort of calm and explaining mood). There wasn't much room, so I sat at the end of one of the benches and just tried to avoid any light.
A little bit later, some room opened up next to Julia. They offered for me to move away from outside, on the edge of the circle. I naturally declined at this sudden and unexpected change. A few minutes later, upon considering that it'd be nice to be next to Julia (who had been becoming a closer and closer friend to me over the past few months), I decided to move over.
Julia, recognizing I was hardly in remotely a good mood, put her arm over my shoulder as I sat down. As the event went along, Father Caster was responding to another person's question (actually, all the chaplain's were; I just remember Father Caster's response). It may have been because of my exhaustion, but I don't recall what the question was; I think I sort of came in, while Father was already giving his answer.
From my vague memory, he was describing how some aspect of his answer related to when we care about someone else. Gah, this is going to irritate the shit out of me now, because I do think his wording was very important to how the scenario played out. Regardless, to paraphrase, he was describing that when we care about someone, we take care of them, we do actions that mean something to them.
As he was in the middle of describing this, I thought I ought to knowingly nudge Julia. It was the kind of private exchange that I particularly enjoy and also a means of reciprocating the (what seemed to me) wholesale over-credit Julia had been giving my character as of late. Perhaps I'm just a slow creature (in that choices, decisions, and – at times – actions ought to be approached only when entirely certain), and what seemed to me like a very quick shift from being somewhat-alarmed-by-me/acquaintances to being close friends (in that loyalty, fondness, and feeling safe enough to lean upon the other were at play) was hard to justify in my head; not that I didn't appretiate and welcome these things: I simply had a hard time understanding their occurrence.
In the time it took for me to debate whether to do this (rather, there was no debate whether I should; it was that, once again, any action that was not thought was exceedingly draining of me in such a depressed state), she nudged me. I glanced up to see her knowingly smirk at me. I, in turn, nudged her back, smiling with what energy my body was willing to concede.
It would be false to say I did not have any friends at Williams. I did not have as many close friends as I would like (certainly less than I had upon leaving high school), though it would be false, I think, to say I had none as well. I think the most irritating thing of the entire experience, though, is the way that I felt most people didn't try to get close to me at all (some did, to be sure). I would like to firmly place the fault of which upon my own introversion and aloofness and, therefore, utterly out of a fault of their own.
You know, I've become friends with this absolutely fascinating and wonderful person recently – and I can barely find the energy. It's weird. Because I've attacked my school work fine this year; assuming I get to next Wednesday and past my midterms and lab, I'm not burnt out yet. And I've kept up doing things; I'm running InterFaith still with a thoroughly wonderful board, I've been involved with the band still and even been doing a decent job as the MoCA (the group is looking absolutely wonderful this year). Keeping things up with Williams Catholic as well. But when I have to show initiative for anything, I find myself being dead. I just want routine and to get by.
Which isn't to say I don't want interaction with people. I think my club activity is a testament to that. And I'm still irate and irritated as usual about how my shyness is making interactions with people more difficult (having more organic and non-stilted conversations with Julia would really be nice, you know).
But I think the issue is that I want people to be interested in me. I'm sick of feeling like I sort of have to butt my way into conversations or actively say hello to people because, outside of what constantly feels like a small amount of people, no one would bother to care if I didn't. Or they say hello to be polite but couldn't really care beyond that. Or, probably, I'm just being over-dramatic as usual. It's funny; I used to have to try to find friends who wouldn't mind or would bother me to hang out because of my natural tendency and preference to being reclusive; the point being, the reclusive-ness didn't bother me. Now it irritates me that I go weeks without seeing some people other than running into people and yet it's my own damn fault.
I think, now that I think about it, that's the reason I've been so hesitant (that's actually being nice; it's been absurd to me, but it's actually been near-to complete apathy) about asking Margaret out. It's not like she's even been given a conscious decision about the matter yet (may not have even crossed her mind), so such behavior is not really fair to her, and yet I can't help but just not want to give effort to anyone who's not interested back; I want someone who is interested in me or what we're doing for just about anything I've had to do this year. So, I guess, that feeling of not wanting to even bother with those not interested back has just become instinctual, in a sense.
And the thing is, Amanda is thoroughly fascinating. I have a decent amount in common with her. Even for those things where we're not, she's still damn interesting. It's like, I've been saying for the past two years that I really want to get to know people more. Partial point of college, right? And, as I've said enough times to make the ears bleed on here, I am fascinated by the human personality. I like getting to know people.
And, if I'm sitting with Amanda in person (or anyone else, I've found), I could talk for hours. Share your life story, please; I can make time for a week a free time if it's needed. But this resistance to putting effort into anything seems to affect me in places where it doesn't even make sense. I feel like, back in the day, I wouldn't just respond to the E-mails Amanda sent me - I'd actively send others back that aren't just responses. I'd ask more questions than simply just respond to the contents. But I can't even muster the energy while not in person. I just want to dump the effort of anything we're doing on the other person, it seems. Which is stupid. It's not even helpful to the things I want. I'm struggling to find a way to label this even some sort of survival method.
You know, I thought I had gotten over this. It's not the end of 2009 anymore, Jon.
I think my biggest problem is that I quit quickly if no one is watching.
I start thinking about how I freeze up or need more prodding to open up (or really do just about anything) in the beginning, and I tell myself to forget it. Why get to that point anyway just for it to tank?
It's easier said than done, you know. There's a video out there, which I can't find now, that shows two IM conversations between this boy and this girl. Everytime they're about to send something, they revise it a million times until it's a nice, emotionally neutral response. The end of the video states that emotions are natural and you should express yourself. Or, take this:
The problem with these? They assume that things work out in the end. Yes, of course, the whole risk thing, "You'll never know if you don't try", and how you may lose them sometimes.
But maybe that's enough to make you hesitate.
You get tired, after a while, you know.
Finding the right person to date, for me, tends to be a more...complicated affair than I ever like. See, fundamentally, even regardless of any other possible traits, there is always a particular trait that I want that, in essence, tends to be (what I feel is) a reflection of myself - I want complexity. Not in the most general sense but in that you near contradict yourself.
As both Laura and jess are a testament to, I tend to prefer someone with an incredibly engagable personality, most often articulated in a public personality that is often completely agreeable. In fact, it often borders on being mistaken for being simplistic and, by extension, stupid (which, really, makes far more sense than you might initially assume; if people were to look only at my sense of humor, I'm either the driest individual you may come by or, on the other side of the spectrum, a complete asshole who completely banks on shock value for any sort of reaction or poor sex jokes. Focus on one aspect of anyone and you miss the possible complexity of their personality. This is just more easy a crime to commit since the public personality is the one we see of a person most often and, for some, entirely).
However, you'd be a fool (and also a bit of an ass) to assume as much. Get to know the person and they're utterly intelligent, often troubled, very much self-aware (ironically, even if they themselves aren't aware of it), etc.
And it's often such specificity that screws me over. I need someone who's patient enough and able to push me enough to deal with my intense shyness. At the same time, I need someone shy enough to not be domineering and to allow me take a leading role as well.
I want someone who actually challenges me. If I can sum them up easily (and, with so many people, that isn't that difficult), there's a problem. Which, in and of itself, often implies constant contradiction. Passionate, yet able to be subdued when appropriate in certain situations. Have to be independent and able to stand on their own, yet not optimally happy that way so they need someone to lean on and get support from (hence a huge component on most relationships). Someone jaded enough to not be happy-go-lucky yet willing to believe there's more out there. Like I've said before here, I need a dreamer. I need someone who feels that utterly pull to chase something. If you're not looking forward, you'll clash heavily with my own personality.
And part of that is what I feel is a huge problem - I need someone, in a sense, who is troubled.
I have clinical depression, along with a..."pleasant" childhood. I have a taste for the warped. The dark and dreary is not something which will not forever be a component of my life. As I've said before here, I don't plan to - and probably couldn't - cut that out of my life.
I like more extreme things. While I often being incredibly straight-lace in almost anything, I can look at things with a fascinated impartiality (I told my cousin, off a random thought, yesterday to try reading Catcher In the Rye but with Holden having a sexual crush on Phoebe, largely to just gross out my cousin, but also because the perversity of such a reading actually being possible is intriguing, when you really think about it). And that impartiality, as well as a bit of my hyperbolic sense of humor, is partially how I approach the world.
I don't want to hold back.
And I don't want to necessarily fall into old conventions about things but would rather explore something and decide for myself what to think of it all.
I'm being far too vague but I couldn't put things into more specific a way without going into specific examples, at which point things would be so specified that we'd need many examples in order to cover everything I'm talking about in every different case they might show up as.
My point is - pain, suffering, disillusionment, fear, even anger, are all very human. And while I don't want to be yelled at, I do want to see all of those things. You cannot possibly be completely un-traumatized by some point in your life or even your present. Share that. It's a part of you. Plus to be devoid of such things is boring.
People are messy. People are not perfect and they're incapable of being packaged in these nice little boxes.
Do not try to shove yourself into one of them. Frustration can be endearing and it's not something I don't want to deal with.
While, yes, being happy and getting along and being enjoyable is nice, that's not all of who we are. And, I guess, what I'm trying to say...you're more interesting that way so why hide it? Why deal with it in private.
I want someone who's able to control themselves and yet can be a mess. I want fucking complexity. Be varied, be vast, be radiant.
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