Siblings

  • For at least the past four years I've said that a likely needed criteria for any future partner would be that the individual have depression. While Laura actually wound up disagreeing with me, I've kinda felt like someone who hasn't suffered some large traumatic experience or dealt with long-term depression wouldn't quite understand, well, me.

    See, I had thought of this situation one time that, without any rational experience, made so much intuitive sense that I'm willing to stick by it. As if I experienced it myself, I guess. Basically, I feel that if I came to someone who hasn't had depression (or something similar), they would approach it like they need to fix it – which makes sense.

    Except (at least clinical) depression never goes away (or it's very rare). And, you know, being anti-social or wanting to pull away are things that will be constant. I don't know how to explain that listlessness that's all too common. Or how you even support that. And I just see that person becoming irritated over time.

    Yet someone who either has depression as well or knows it well enough would, simply, understand that situation. In a way that you could only understand if you've experienced it, they'd understand that you're not going to "solve" it, ever; you have to deal with it differently.

    Honestly, that's why I surround myself with people with depression, ED, SI, or any other mental disorder. I might say we're all people intimately acquainted with addiction, but I don't feel I'd find the same connection with an alcoholic (though that might just be my own ignorance).

    The point is, I feel more at home with them. We see the world differently, see things the world doesn't – they make more sense to me. And I'm not certain I'd be able to truly deal with my own depression without that connection. Because it's not going to be solved because it'll never go away – it needs to be understood, something so ingrained and intertwined into yourself, so attuned to your emotions.

     

     

    I enjoy hanging out with my siblings because sometimes it allows for those singular moments that I can escape to that aren't open in nearly any other facet of society. Sometimes it's just crass humor (or laughing at things because they're so odd or unconventional from the normal "social" means of behaving) to those moments where I'm reminded just how similar and in line in thought we are.

    My brother and I are in the basement around 9:30 P. M. and the dog's sleeping on my sleeping back with us. As my brother picks up some of his dishes to bring upstairs, he asks me, "Think we should put him in his cage for the night?"

    I respond, "Naw, wait 'til mom or dad yells at us. He's sleeping now, and I'd rather keep him by us."

    My brother goes, "Yeah, just 'cause…" and then hesitates before finishing with, "you like him, right?"

    We both simultaneously respond, "Yeah…"

     

    This is the first day in the last 2 and a half months that I've been actually happy or, at the very least, like there isn't some sort of weight around my neck.

    It will be gone tomorrow.

  • My sister came out to me as bi!

    O frabjous day!

  • My sister recently got a new dog (it's been...two weeks now?). Thought I'd share with y'all:

    And, of course, the most important picture:

  • My father stomps down the stairs today and asks, "Are you aggressively looking for a job this summer?"

    The implication is simple (as it always is). He has assumed that I am not, that I haven't even bothered. Like always. Because when I usually do respond with the affirmative to something, he responds with a surprised, "Oh." Honestly, I don't understand how some people are completely unaware to body language.

     

     

    Respect, for me, is huge. How you conduct yourself towards others means a lot to me. I try to be the best person, always, that I can to anyone else I meet. I consider that a duty and an obligation on my part. Ask any of my friends about my character and they'll respond positively (or, at least, I would hope that they do; I certainly aim for it).

     

    Insult me, belittle me, I'll ignore you. I'll even probably let it slide the first couple of times. But I will not repeatedly tolerate such abuse. I don't want it, I don't need it. But, more than anything - out of the pathetically minuscule self-confidence that I have -, I have worked for my respect. Every day, every hour, every minute. I am patient, I am consistently willing to listen to others and give aid when applicable, and I consider my conduct in respect to others.

    I will not be deprecated.

    So, when you ask me, "Are you aggressively looking for a job this summer?" while every bit of your body language, down to your vocal inflections, tell me that - as far as you're concerned - you know the answer to this question, when you go on to tell me that I "need a little more pushing and guidance than others" to remind me that everything I do - no matter how badly I try - just doesn't live up to your expectations, do not expect me to respond.

    I don't particularly appreciate being implicitly told that your love is conditional on whether I choose to tuck in a shirt or put on a belt, or whether I happen to do poorly in school despite putting in my best effort.

    Because, in spite of my depression (something I seem to've inherited from either you or mom, I might just add, seeing as all of my siblings have it), I manage to make my deadlines, do at least decently well in school, and do the tasks I need to (regardless of whether you bother to notice or realize). And I might not wake up before noon on days that I don't have any responsibilities but you always did have a hard time understanding anything that did not meet your precise and arbitrary demands and expectations.

    However - more than anything - when I get angry, I hold my tongue to those who were not involved or to blame. When I have a bad day, I watch what I say. I put others before myself and precisely be sure that their respect is properly regarded and treated.

    Out of what little I have in this world, you will not take my dignity from me. I get - that - much.

  • Some might remember, I wrote a post a while back on why I love my hometown (http://thirst2.xanga.com/730340644/item/). In that post, I mention this park. As my brother and I were bike riding over to the mall to get job applications, we happen to pass through there. While we stop to rest, I start (I forget for what reason or what triggered it) going on about how perfect the area is at night. And, of course, I'm going and going; "With the stars above. And then you've got the forest to the right and the lake to the left. And the air just smells amazing! And there's the moon. And across the lake the traffic just kinda hums in the background as the headlights go past -"

    "Alright, so let's go," he responds. "Later tonight."

    This is why I love him. Most people would have just let me rant or go on about this moment I'd really like to share with them because it was just so amazing for me so I want them to know what it's like. Or changed the subject as quickly as they could. He actually took me up on it.

  • I've often said I'm at least decent at reading people. That said, I've often felt short when trying to do so with my brother. In some ways I've always felt drastically close to my siblings. I've certainly always been intensely fond of them (bizarrely, I just noticed I don't talk about them much here; in person, I'd probably talk your ear off for an hour alone should you ask about them). And, all that said, I sometimes feel very distant from my brother.

    He can be very distant, at times. I'm somewhat familiar with that, being shy myself. But he has this way of being very intensely different, so as to almost be threating (which, admittedly, doesn't mean I don't do the same; I've had a decent amount of people tell me in the past that they had the strongest feeling that I didn't like them before a point, which doesn't even begin make sense, if you know me).

    I guess I always had the feeling that he liked me, well enough, but kinda looked down on me, thought me stupid in some capacities (admittedly, the boy does have some hubris, by my limited reckoning, but nothing that I couldn't see him ironing out over time; he has the mindset to continually better himself, something others could do well to adopt). In short, I'd've liked to get to know him better. It's not often I'm left literally wondering how the gears are turning in someone's head or how they even remotely approach things.

    Well, luck behold, we wound up discussing things a night or two ago. Wasn't in anyway played, just talking – jumping from topic to topic –, and we happened to start discussing habits of ours.

    Turns out we have a lot in common in that area. For example, we both seemed to've learned social interaction from scratch (an exhausting affair, but allows you to be conscious of every movement you make and why you make it – as well as being able to read others well). Turns out we both have depression, it seems; part of me wants to be happy because I relate to people with depression more, they tend to be more interesting, and I feel they understand me better (a topic to go over in another post); and, like he said, it's useful. Yet he's still got Hell ahead of him for it.

    So it was just nice, getting to know him better like that. I enjoy talking to him, not just because we tend to agree on a lot (though, admittedly, that's part of it), but also because he pushes me at times (particularly when I don't have an answer). I can usually count on him to be someone to bounce ideas against, to test them out and to see whether they weather against criticism. I guess you could say I trust quite heavily his reasoning and analyzing side.

    While I know my depression and know that it's not likely going to allow his presence be enough to establish a lasting salve to life, I tend to find that I thoroughly enjoy our times together – for both the way our personalities compliment each other and entirely because of who he is as a person. And for someone like myself seemingly so often detached from emotion, often having to logically piece why I should feel something rather than naturally doing so instinctively – well, that's a big deal.

  • I was going to say I've said before I really like discussions, about just anything, but I actually can't remember if I've really mentioned that here. I suppose it means little to say those statements considering there's probably only one person reading this thing still that's read it since even just high school (or knows me well enough to recognize the trait in me regardless of whether they've read it on here or not).

    Anyway, point is that I enjoy discussions. I like ideas and I like wrestling with concepts. Besides, as I know I've harped on over and over again before, I love personalities and any discussion is bound to tell you something about a person, let alone the argument the individual decides to take. Unfortunately, though, most people won't take you up on discussing a topic. Well, except maybe Connor, I'm finding more and more each time I talk to him.

    My brother, however, has the same kind of thirst for mental engagement that I do. The only real problem with this is that we tend to agree on most things, more often than not. So, often enough, our "conversations" turn into agreeing with how much we agree on a particular topic - or ranting, considering how much the topic infuriates us.

    The one thing we have continued to not agree on, however, is morality. I'm a moral absolutist, while he takes the route of moral relativism. I should, at this point, make clear that when I saw moral relativism, I do not mean of the kind that says, "In certain situations, certain moral concepts apply differently." For example, if you have the moral requirement You Shall Not Kill, that holds true if you just feel like killing someone but you would not be held guilty if you killed someone during the act of self-defense. Regardless the fact that any morality that's that rigid is idiotic (a debate we can pursue at a later time), that's not my brother's philosophy (or, at least, it might be but that would only be coincidental here). Rather, he believes that there is no real morality, only what people have decided as morality; in other words, what makes something particularly evil or good other than what people have said is good or evil? There's just things which are helpful to people or hurt people, not really morality.

    You might ask how we've come to such a concept (since it isn't, to my knowledge, the way most people think about morality). Basically, both my brother and I are secularists. So, if there is, indeed, a god, then ze dictates what is right or wrong. There, done. Morality in a nutshell. Of course, what if there isn't a god? Does morality go to shit? Can I go and steal anything I want? Can I commit adultery? Will the world IMPLODE?!

    Scary thoughts.

    As I said above, I would answer, "No." Morality is independent of god, I would argue. Being the religious one of the two of us, I'd in fact say that morality is dictated by god; the entire purpose of a god/gods dictating morality is because ze/they are supposed to watching over us. Of course, that in itself could lead on to many other fascinating discussions and then even more when you consider the concept of a god/gods not dictating a proper morality. However, I'll try not to splinter like I usually do.

    My brother, on the other hand, would respond that there, indeed, is no morality. I'd say I'm guessing at this point, but I imagine he would say that people would likely come together, realizing they dislike being hurt/whatever and then construct a society that matches this. And, what do you know, isn't that kinda what our society is like? I think he'd argue that the fact that there is no morality is not an invitation or argument for lawlessness but simply a statement of fact. How can something be good or evil unless something commands it to be so? I mean, what we fall back towards is having to define good and evil and then defining why particular actions are so, if they even are. Or maybe even more simply than that, why should we not kill someone? Why is it something we shouldn't do? What makes it, to counter my own argument, universally a thing we shouldn't do? After all, if such moors and concepts of good/evil change over time and from culture to culture, are they really as inherently bad as we see them now or are they only so terrible in our time, in our society?

    It's a hard argument to counter, I'll most certainly give him that. One, in fact, that I wasn't sure I could counter half the times we debated the topic. Yet, he pushed me to parse it out, and I believe I've come to a conclusive counter argument to bring our debate to a close. So, dear brother, here is my answer - hopefully for good (both he and I have a taste for hyperbolic language and winding and long speech too, I admit...).

     

    Let me start by saying that I think all human labels are social constructions. The world comes to us as is and then we make labels and containments for everything. However, that doesn't make everything any less real, right? This isn't a new concept and one we'd all readily recognize if we were to think of any time we've had a conversation with someone where we didn't define something the same way. "You define a hand as having five fingers? I simply call something a hand if it's able to hold something." Okay, the realism of my example is being stretched here. But it makes a very valid point. For humans, there physically is a thing, for most, which has five of what we call fingers and a very specific shape and make up. The particular specifics may vary (size, size of knuckle, etc.) but certainly something of a similar and universal makeup physically exists. As such, we've come up with a name for such an physical thing that, generally speaking, has five finds and is attached to what we call a wrist - a hand. The name may change, it may alter over time (due to evolution or otherwise), and it may have deformations, but it still is real, exists, and is actual.

    So, our labels can be used to define a specific thing. They can become more specific (for example, including size to specify Jill's hand) or less specific (to define an appendage), but they talk about something which is concretely real. Of course, they can become abstract and, as such, more subjective (do we consider a paw to be a hand as well or, at least, similar to a hand) but that does not remove the actuality of either a paw or hand. The words "paw" and "hand" simply are our way of defining these actual things.

    Of course, labels can sometimes be insufficient. When I say, "Race is a social construction," I guess I really don't mean that race doesn't exist. I simply think it's a poor thing to label. Yes, people have different skin colors. This is readily clear. But is it even useful to use such categorizations in this present day as "black" and "white" when so many are, for example, being multiracial? Or when we consider that just a century ago the Irish were considered to be "another race" before the concept of a monolithic "white race" was established? Or when some (I hate to point fingers, but here's looking at you Italians (or Greeks, really)) seem dark enough to be questionably "white"? Or perhaps we just have, for centuries of time, done a sloppy job of defining race, seeing as often things beyond just skin color are taken into consideration, such as nose size and shape or shape of jaw (yes, I'm going old-school racist here). Or how about the many ways ethnicity and race tend to be conflated (so that, for the longest time, I had no friggin' idea what either stupid thing was). Let's be honest - "race", whatever that ambiguous label is, is a poor means of measuring things.

    But that does not remove the existence of those physical things such as skin color or nose shape.

    Of course, these are all items we can literally grasp. What about abstract concepts? Do they function the same way? Well, is there an action that actually exists under the label of killing?

    Yes. Yes there is.

    So, here is my argument: perhaps morality is poorly defined. Perhaps the definition has changed from culture to culture. Perhaps the word didn't have any meaning to a particular culture but historians, recognizing certain trends in the culture that fit under their vague and general definition of morality, gave certains actions and customs this label in the history books.

    My point is, let's abandon the labels for a second. A very difficult and confusing way to talk about things, yes, but bear with me. So morality is undefined. We know things like jelly are already defined. So we can probably agree (assuming you don't want to redefine things at the moment) that morality isn't going to define anything like that. Likewise, certain abstract concepts are defined (such as the act of killing or the concept of philosophy or logic). So, we know that morality has to be defined as something specific generally. And, I would argue, we would find that (to be general enough) morality is always defined as (or at least pertaining to) the ways we should or should not act towards people. Should we do this or do that? Given the need to define both good and evil to include this definition, I won't say what is good or evil. But what we should or shouldn't do.

    Alright, workable definition. We're making progress.

    The next question, of course, is how do we make a decision about what we should or shouldn't do? And here, of course, is where we enter into many different wonderful arguments. Should it concern what allows a society to survive the longest? Should it pertain to how the action makes a person feel? Why or why not for all of these?

    And it is here that I will not provide some concrete example to guide us. After all, the question this argument is trying to settle is not "What should be the right morality?" but simply "Can there be a universal morality?". I will simply say that once a morality that guides what our actions should or should not be in daily life is chosen, we can move on.

    Of course, this still allows for multiple moralities, yes? I define morality one way, they define it a different way. Same problem we had at the beginning of this discussion.

    My argument is that such moralities would be first determined by the worthwhile-ness of their Whys. As I said above, "Should [morality] concern what allows a society to survive the longest? Should it pertain to how the action makes a person feel? Why or why not for all of these?" The Why. For example, you might argue that everyone's actions should focus around making you happy and only you, regardless of how it effects anyone else. However, you would probably have a difficult time justifying how that form of morality has any use for anyone else outside of you and how it makes any logical sense as pertanent to anyone else in terms of why they should or should not do certain actions.
    (you could probably ask why use enters into this discussion, to which I would counter back that morality would then have no point whatsoever if not to rest upon its use to you. Basically, why you should or should not do something either has no use that's derived from it or benefit or result and then it's basically pointless, or there's a reason we should do it, whether that reason be personal benefit for every individual or to keep the planet from dying, etc. But, as you can see, there needs to be some use or reason for its existance. We then decide which reason is the best)

    The Why decided, we must then commence with defining our basic actions (and then complex actions) around this particular focus of this morality. Of course, you could easily counter back that this isn't how morality generally works. Interesting concept. Does morality have to circle around a particular point? Or does it just have to instruct us on what to do and what not to do? Or, could that particular point simply be "God told us so"?

    And it is here that I must appease to logic. If you choose not to use logic, sure, fine. That's your personal choice. And if you choose to engage in a morality that does not follow logic, that - again - is your personal choice. But if you choose to transgress outside of a morality that follows logic, those who follow this logical morality are in the right to prosecute you since their morality has a purpose which is of some use (see argument two paragraphs above for each morality following logic having a use). "Why is theirs superior?" you might ask. And I would allow you to argue your case but, alas, that requires logic. And, were you to concede this and enter into logic to make you argument, you would instantly defunct your morality given that it does not adhere to logic and therefore fails in logic.

    So, working within the confines of logic, we can agree that something which follows logic must have a justification for why it works. Given that we defined morality as what we should or should not do, our morality should focus around some reason for our actions which justifies that basic tenant (what we should or should not do), likely found in the Why.

    So, back to two paragraphs ago: we must then commence with defining our basic actions (and then complex actions) around this particular focus of this morality. And the final justification to clear out any conflicting points is that our morality must follow logic too. Therefore, having a commandment "You shall not kill" and yet also having a commandment to kill anyone born with only one leg just for the Hell of it would not make sense and, therefore, be defunct in a morality. Given that moralities should have a specific purpose, such illogical points should be striken. We might also argue, then, that there isn't a satisfiable reason as to kill people with only one leg. Perhaps it doesn't match the purpose of the morality (really, the purpose of all moralities, given that only one would be chosen after logically assessing all of the Whys for the various moralities).

    If we do that, we must logically come to an all encompassing morality that reaches a point. Even if there are some things we decide people can individually decide whether to do or not to do, we are still agreeing that it isn't something that should be repremanded either way. Every action is chosen whether or not to be looked down on or not. By logical deduction, we can come up with a completely superior morality.

    And this is what we mean by an absolute morality. It is a morality that makes complete sound sense logically and that answers the only question that morality can point to (of course, it doesn't matter if our word for morality changes for the question is still there and can be answered, as I explained at the beginning of this).

    An absolute morality exists, Quod Erat Demonstrandum.

  • Alright, I generally try to be tempered with politics. If it isn't gay rights related and it doesn't involve inane, regressive social policies (keep your abstinance only education out of me and my siblings' schools), I tend to be live and let live. When it comes to economic issues, I admit my own general ignorance and try to listen and learn from anyone. And, as I've said many times before, I hate how politics tears apart people who are otherwise friends and how it causes fighting. I don't want to fight and I don't want to degrade. So, I try to stay tempered.

    The issue? I quite secretly (okay, maybe half secretly) love politics. It's something over the past 3 years or so that I've tried to strengthen. And so, of course, I can't possibly not form an opinion around it (even if said opinion is hesitant and vague).

    Though, admittedly, while the recent election results more than infuriate me, I still offer my congrats to my fellow conservative Americans to their victory. And, were it simply a matter of economic conservatives coming out in droves to vote their opinion, I might reside myself to non-hindering and unoffensive grumbling off in the corner.

    But let's be honest, that's not why the Dem majority got ousted. It was people fed up with the job they perceive Obama to be doing. And, were it often reasonable objections, I – again – might not be so angry at the moment. No matter which way I twist it, high spending will never look appealing to an economic conservative. I understand that's liberal economics (well, technically conservative, but I'm not talking liberal economics in the classical, laissez-faire sense, clearly). However, to complain that Obama is the worst president ever??? As I said some post before – I've ceased to have any intellectual respect for you (also, if you really think the Nazis were proper socialism in any sense of the term, please shoot yourself. They hated the communists, too; stop twisting history to fit your agenda. There, Godwin's law, I thought I'd get it out on the table). 

    So, this is not aimed at conservatives. This is to my liberal brothers and sisters who have said that Obama has not done enough or anything at all. This is not a debate of whether conservative or liberal policy is better. This is purely from a liberal standpoint (whether it's good or bad, I have to admit – cut me and I bleed blue).

    As I've said countless times on here, I didn't like Obama at first. He seemed to be another Clinton – "I'll say whatever it takes to get elected." Well, I was partially right. Obama is pure politics and, to somewhat of a degree, he knows how to work politics. The difference between him and Clinton? Obama actually works it to get the policies he promised done.

     

    I keep hearing, "What has Obama done, what has he done?"

    How about financial reform requiring lenders to verify applicants' credit history, income, and employment status, allowing shareholders of publicly traded companies to actually vote on executive pay, and prohibiting banks from engaging in proprietary trading?

    The elephant in the room (no, not that elephant) but I'll say it anyway - fucking government public health care!!! (okay, not really. But damn well closer to the ideal thing) Ever since my economics teacher in Junior year of high school was completely baffled that Canada had perfectly functioning public health care and we didn't, I've been in total support. I mean, progressives have been wanting this since Teddy. Obama did it.

    What does that really mean? Extending health coverage to 32 million uninsured Americans, for one. It also cuts prescription drug cost for those on medicare by 50%. I'm partially parroting, but it also means, starting in 2014, insurance giants will be banned from denying coverage based on pre-existing conditions and from imposing annual caps on benefit payouts. Which, of course, also means not having to wait until they near death and then using government funds to save those in the ER who are uninsured. "As of September, insurance companies can no longer arbitrarily revoke coverage for those who get sick. Children with existing illnesses can no longer be denied insurance. Younger Americans can stay on their parents' policies until they're 26. And 1 million elderly citizens are receiving checks for $250 to fill the gap in Medicare's coverage of prescription drugs." And? Accomplishing "all this while extending the solvency of Medicare by a dozen years and cutting the deficit by $143 billion over the next decade."

    Yes, we didn't get the public option. In fact, Obama used that as a bargaining chip so that, when the bill was whittled down for compromise, we'd still have something to rejoice over. Harsh? Yes. But – we still got it!! Remember how hard a battle (even WITH an f-ing Democratic majority in both chambers!) it was? As a friend of mine had said, Clinton would have taken some sort of compromise rather than fighting for it.

    What else?

    Providing $12.2 Billion in new funding for Individuals With Disabilities Education Act?

    Hell, he's also supported getting the Matthew Shepard act passed and extended benefits to same-sex partners of federal employees for his administration. He's also given more coverage and voice to the gay, bi, and Trans community than it's received from just about any president since Clinton (and we all remember how that turned out, don't we?). Hell, the man's appointed more openly gay officials than any other president in US historyand a transgender woman ('bout time the Trans community got more public, official attention; it's still small steps (did my pathetic hyphen and specificity not tip you off?)...but they're big and necessary steps).

    Should I get started on the stimulus plan? No, I won't even. I'll just highlight how he saved the auto industry from tanking. Some say he should have let them go bankrupt – because apparently the part builders and dealerships that would undoubtedly have suffered on top of just GM and Chrysler and have resulted in the loss of more than 1 million jobs isn't all that big of deal. Maybe I'm just a bit biased, being from Illinois and all (and, therefore, in the midwest), but I'm pretty sure my parents really appreciate that. Sure, admittedly, I don't like active use in the government. I actually do believe in as much limited government as is reasonable (so, no, public health care is not stricken from my list). Basically, create the rules (read: laws) and then let it function on its own. Taking active role smacks a little too much of king (though, keep in mind, congress can always refuse; checks and balances for a reason). However, this was a crisis. No one seemed to mind Bush making special rules in light of a crisis. Of course, I'd love to hear what people would say about Obama handling the economy had he just let it run its course and let the auto industry just fail. All in all, I'll take the bailout rather than not.

    Now, again, I don't want to turn this into liberal vs. conservative. However, Bush was our president for 8 years (though, in fairness to my conservative friends, I generally hesitate to ever call Bush an economic conservative, though a social one he often was (even if just to get votes: gay marriage, anyone?); spending as much as he did on Iraq is not fiscal conservatism and we all know it). So, I say this just to put things in perspective: in 2010 alone, more jobs were created in the private sector than in all 8 years under Bush. Honestly, take a look at some of the charts and the info. in the article. It's absolutely amazing what's been going on economically.

    I really hesitate to throw in voluntary disclosure of White House visitors for the first time in US history as a show of transparency seeing as it was backroom deals that got us most of our progressive achievements. That's fair criticism.

    I also hesitate to mention that he appointed the first Latina supreme court judge (I was raised in the suburbs – I see the world in a colorblind fashion, even if I know enough about race politics to know we cannot do that quite yet), but it really is important.

    I could also add to the list eliminating subsidies to private lender middlemen of student loans and protecting student borrowers.

    For those Teddy fans out there, he's also increased funding for national parks and forests by 10%.

    Fan of world peace (I say that only half sarcastically)? He signed a new START Treaty, a nuclear arms reduction pact with Russia.

    I'm not the biggest enviromentalist nut, but one I was personally thrilled about: increased average fuel economy standards from 27.5 mpg to 35.5 mpg, starting in 2016.

    Extremely passionate patriot? Now the Pentagon provides travel expenses to families of fallen soldiers to be on hand when the body arrives at Dover Air Force Base.

    Need something to go with the last point I made? He's reversed the policy of barring media coverage during the return of fallen soldiers to Dover Air Force Base.

    Also repealed Bush era restrictions on federal funding for embryonic stem cell research (oh, thank God, yes).

    Dislike torture? He ended the Bush administration's CIA program of "enhanced interrogation methods" by requiring that the Army field manual be used as the guide for terrorism interrogations.

    Alright, fine, don't like taxes? Tax cuts for up to 3.5 million small businesses to help pay for employee health care coverage.

    And, while on taxes, could we end the complaints about them? Yes, no one likes taxes - but they pay for the services that your government provides. The reason why my public high school was so damn good was because of the taxes paid. Failed public schools? Not when you actually don't try to cut the system.

    And, really, the list could go on. Seriously, way on.

    Now, of course, I'm not entirely pleased. While I might be able to swallow creating a Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, making the Tobacco industry susceptible to the FDA smacks a little too much of too much big government and government intervention for me (this libertarian streak in me is hardly surprising, seeing as social liberalism meets economic conservatism by virtue of a belief in a non-intrusive government; and the ability for every individual to choose their own course in any manner they choose so long as it doesn't infringe on anyone else is core to my being).

    And, have we gone over the offenses he's done to gay rights? His administration releasing a defense for Prop. 8. The removal of our large category of civil rights on the website early in his presidency. Promising us a gay marching band to make up for the lack of a gay speaker at his innaugeration. Not doing more to end Don't Ask Don't Tell and currently asking for a stay on the immediate cease that was declared for DADT by a federal judge? Offensive is barely the words I could muster.

    However, much like I've always suspected that his whole "I believe in civil unions, though not gay marriage" thing was a political ploy (however, seeing how much everyone seems to hate him at the moment, he might as well go for broke since he's playing politics severely wrong), I suppose so is his hesitance on gay issues. He's not the open president we expected.

    However, he is the progressive president we wanted. I was hesitant before. While I was, admittedly, incredibly impressed by his campaign and the image that was being crafted and will likely survive in history (as a PR person and an activist, I tend to look for these things; it also explains why I have an absolute love for memorials), I was not impressed by the man. I thought he wasn't doing anything. I can now say that I can place him in that great line with FDR (and when I say that, you know I'm meaning buisness). He doesn't have the openness that's made me an Adlai E. Stevenson man even though I never saw the man alive (then again, Adlai didn't win election twice, if we remember), but he's done more for progressives than has been done in a while.

    I've complained for the past 10 years that politics is a sham and that, while my party fits just about every issue that I would ideally want covered, they don't actually stick to those issues. Obama has. For the first time I'm able to say, he's the president we've been waiting for.

    Honestly, get off the man's back. He's done more in two years than many Democratic presidents have done in 8.

  • My brother once said that things got better around at home when I left for college; there was less arguing. Which wouldn't surprise me. I'm driven by logic. My mother rarely uses logic. There was tension; there was clashing.

    So, as we were sitting at this party today, I found myself once again trying to push how far they were willing to actually think.

    I honestly don't remember how it started. But it wound up in me mentioning my major peeve: that the government actually treats suicide as a criminal offense. As I believe I said, "It's preposterous that I do not have control over the most – the most – personal thing in my possession; no one should have the right to say whether or not I wish to terminate my own life." My parents, of course, chose to differ.

    Of course, they both pointed out that a person who commits suicide isn't thinking about those around them, that they know, who will miss them (not always the case, but I got what they were getting at).

    Of course, that's not quite how they put it. I think it was, "It's a completely selfish act."

    So, I retorted instead of bothering to say it in a way that may logically convince them, "If those that know him or her can't bother to take a moment to consider what would drive him or her to take his or her own life, then it's them who are the selfish ones for putting their own feelings ahead of the suffering of him or her." Of course, I think this is a logical enough argument, but it doesn't suit in an emotional discussion.

    To which the other often-made argument was made – there's always another answer. You know, Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

    They told me the same thing in Health class Sophomore year of high school. For my response paper I wrote that such a mentality was insulting in its simplicity and solved nothing. Never a permanent problem? Talk about arrogance.

    In any case, their argument was that life is too precious. It's too great to just give up and that "those people" are clearly not in the right state of mind and just need to be held over until they get it. So often I want to actually believe that.

     

     

    So, I was kinda stuck. Haven gotten out my retort, how do I honestly make them understand this situation? See, I know I'm kind of being an asshole as I write this right now. Sarcastic and dismissive, I'll be surprised if you've tolerated my writing thus far.

    But I don't often claim to be right in things. I'll usually claim I might know better, but I almost always admit I could be wrong. My ideas now aren't what they were 2 years ago. I change, I get proven wrong. I value humility and try to live up to such an ideal.

    But when I think I'm right? I don't bother with being nice about it. Because my entire life is motivated by the treatment of others. And if you disrespect that – well, I don't respect you. And, of course, I tend to write about when I'm certain I'm right on xanga more than those moments where I think I'm wrong.

    See, I've been through too many suicide talks to particularly want to hear someone else lecture me on the subject. I've talked close friends up and down the depression situation and, well, there's something kind of sobering about being told that they've decided to swallow the pills anyway, despite everything you've tried saying for the past two hours. And there's something about not being able to do anything about it.

    But what's even more sobering is trying to come up with words to even mount an argument when she's just looking at the bruises up and down her arms.

    Or that dead feeling inside that just eats at you. See – it almost feels ridiculous saying it – I've got it lucky. Suicidal periodically throughout the year, anxiety that I can barely publicly control some days becoming more and more frequent, an inability to ever get enough sleep, and a diet that's been so badly thrown off that I don't want to eat half the time and the other half finds me hungry at the most inappropriate of times, and I've got it lucky.

    Because I am operational almost all the time. I still know what it's like to be happy a majority of the day and I actually haven't attempted suicide in 4 years or so, plus I've never actually done any serious attempt to boot.

     

     

    But I honestly don't think all of that really gets at how it feels to realize that you aren't really sure how to mount an argument for living for some people.

    So I found myself going back to something I had heard at a talk at college last year or so. The exact facts might be off but the general idea is what to take away.

    In 1950, upper class whites felt that there was equality amongst the races and that anyone could successfully move up or down economically if they wanted to.

    In 1950.

    Now, these probably weren't all KKK members. They were probably the average Joe or Jane, who didn't see the problems others were facing in their communities (even if those people, blacks, weren't in their communities to begin with) and, so, assumed, those problems must not exist. Same way people view equality today. It's the way privilege works.

    And it's how this works.

    Of course life is precious to you. And, for you Mom, there probably is another answer.

    But I can honestly say that I don't fear death these days anymore. I'm not bothered if I died tonight. Slightly saddened, maybe, but not bothered. It's, really, just another path to take.

    Because, while I'm not counting on committing suicide any day soon and would choose to live than otherwise, I'm not fully convinced that living is the smarter, more sane, or less painful choice.

    At the end of the day, my reasoning is that if the end will be waiting for me no matter what and it'll be the same no matter what, why not make the most of this? It's waiting for me. I'll get there. I've only got this life for so long.

    And that's good reasoning. But that doesn't make living better. It hinges on me not knowing which will be better in the end.

    And so I don't fear death.

    And, yes, it'll be terrible that my friends and family should have to suffer my going. For those who've seen far too many suicides than I'd like them to (not to mention those I've talked out of suicide numerous times...), it'd be awful.

    And maybe it helps that I think we're going to the same place in the end, so I'm not really bothered (though I am saddened) if either of us go early.

    Maybe it's my pesky emotional distance (whether I want it or not) cropping up again, though I doubt it.

     

    Or maybe it's the simple fact that happiness...it's so brief for me. It's great and all. And, as people say, isn't worth it? But I find myself, as the days go on, taking after those who live in the moment. Enjoy it. Find it precious. Look forward to it.

    But it's just a moment.

    See, happiness is fleeting for me. It doesn't last. It can't. My "normal" is set on depressed. Happy moments are like shooting stars. Was it great? You betcha. Would you take it back? No way. Can you survive off of the thrill of seeing shooting stars?

    No.

     

    Do I think life should be given a shot?

    YES.

    I think it should be given every shot. Follow my logic I gave you above. I'd rather go through life and say at the end, "That SUCKED – but I made the most of it, no regrets."

    But it is selfish and arrogant to assume that it's so easy for everyone as "It's just a temporary problem."

    No.

    I've seen pain I never want to look upon again – not from myself but other people suffering through it. And I wish, I so wish, I could just swoop in with the answers. But I don't have the answers.

    So don't tell me that living is the better choice. Only that person knows that. And, regardless of who's right or personal opinions, they should always get to make that choice themselves.

    To quote the Suicide FAQ, "The most basic difference in opinion between me and those who have mailed me telling me I'm a monster, seems to be that they think that death is an inherently Bad Thing, while I don't."

    But that's neither here nor there. This isn't really about my own opinion or stance. Point is, it's their life and their own suffering.

    You don't get to make that choice.