So, I don't generally like change. I have a good deal of nostalgia. And I'm probably unnecessarily loyal.

So I've refused to give up my Yahoo! E-mail account for years now. Despite how slow it runs, despite it's affinity for delivering my spam to my inbox and (when not doing that) moving my actual mail to my bulk folder - I've refused.

However, now I can't even search through my mail past the last month. What's the point of being able to store 20,000 E-mail messages if I can't even look at them?

On the other hand, there's my gmail. It's always run fast, it easily allows me to transfer all my mail in my Yahoo! account to my gmail account, plus just a host of other useful services. I've been lax to give more service to such a giant company but...they know what the Hell they're doing and they do it well. As for which is the better server...gmail easily wins.

So, goodbye Yahoo!

I will sorely miss you.

*edit*: Yahoo! updated their layout and it runs so much faster, looks beautiful, and is a wonderful interface. You've restored my faith.

I think my biggest problem is that I quit quickly if no one is watching.

I start thinking about how I freeze up or need more prodding to open up (or really do just about anything) in the beginning, and I tell myself to forget it. Why get to that point anyway just for it to tank?

It's easier said than done, you know. There's a video out there, which I can't find now, that shows two IM conversations between this boy and this girl. Everytime they're about to send something, they revise it a million times until it's a nice, emotionally neutral response. The end of the video states that emotions are natural and you should express yourself. Or, take this:

The problem with these? They assume that things work out in the end. Yes, of course, the whole risk thing, "You'll never know if you don't try", and how you may lose them sometimes.

But maybe that's enough to make you hesitate.

You get tired, after a while, you know.

Blood rushing to the brain, an attempt to restrain gushes of energy and anxiousness, and a general taste of disgust in the mouth. I get pounded with school work (or perhaps things to just keep me busy), and I'm numb, devoid of mood swings; I get great moments and fun life events, and I get bombarded with depressed mood swings. Can we say "Never satisfied"?

I'm fucking lonely; I want to hold someone.

I never did really relate to most of my own class year back in high school. Freshman year I just hung out with those older than me, Sophomore year found me making tons of Freshman friends, Junior year adding the incoming Freshmen to my friend roster, and (while far, far less in numbers) I've made a few friends amongst the '11 class and even the '12 class, some of which being incredibly dear people to my heart like Marissa S.

I mention this because it's one of those ways that I've felt like a bit outside of this community. Not in terms of my friends, mind you. I mean in terms of the class and greater school general public sense. There's certain things people become known for. They're recognized. Now, I mention this because I have this great affinity for characters (which only makes further sense given how much reading I do and my own interest in English). For whatever reason, characters are able to elicit a nostalgia on par with seeing an old place (restaurant, hang out spot, etc.) I used to frequent or some person I knew from way back when who I was fond of and then see again.

The class of '09 really kind of absorbed me into their own and I've felt more partiality to them, so there was less of this outside feeling. But, with the class of '10, I knew less of them so the personalities and characters within their class I wouldn't know. Having spent 2 years now, going on three, away from them, it's crazy how much they're growing into their own and becoming their own people. And, with that, the personalities and characters within their class that have developed, alone, over that 2 years I've been gone I'm completely out of the loop for. And it's just kinda cool looking back at these people who are some of my dearests and recognizing the way they've come to, in a sense, develop a name for themselves.

I mention this because, in a terribly vague way, it should have given you an idea of how fond I become of my friends and the ways I become fond of personalities.

So, I was talking to Allison today and I was reminded of the way I'm defensive of her. Now, that term itself needs to be given context. See, I'm fond of jess. And, really, if you were to piece together all the various things I've said over the year, you might know that the fondness I have for jess is a protective, "let me solve any such problem you might have". While Allison is better at taking care of herself than jess, the best way to put it is that for most people I offer to threaten people who give them shit, for those two girls I actually go forth with going after their aggressor until either girl tells me not to. But I guess, more than anything, it's more a sibling like thing (odd, for girls I've dated in the past, but it really has been the most accurate description of it). I tend to act the defensive big brother actively with them whereas I might not do that necessarily with other friends.

Of course, you might immediately jump to, "But isn't it just guilt?", considering what I've said before on here about how our relationship had went. But that really isn't it. This fondness stems, I feel, from something else. I was talking to her today, after what has been a while, and Alys had happened to write a note that mentioned a bunch of people she admired (Allison included in that list).

What both these previous mentioned things highlight is her personality and much of who she is. She's able to get me to smile so utterly easily just anyday and she's a very strong personality. I mean, I feel this again has to be put in context. Back in the two years the both of us attended AESHS together, Allison did not have the best reputation nor was liked much. I had many people who were just not pleased when I first dated her. And yet I felt there was more to her, as I've said on here before. In spite of what people thought of her, she made a place for herself and got people to respect her. And, in spite of, to quote Alys, her "deliquency" she's always had a still stable head. I remember back when she was a Sophomore she used to say she'd likely not even go to college because she never really cared to even apply herself to her work; I always thought she was too damn smart to possibly do that. She's one of those few who can partake in wreckless activities (staying drunk for an entire weekend?) and still I completely respect and value her opinion. And, as Alys said, she's a great friend and good at dealing with people. Honestly, she's quite the remarkable person while still maintaining entirely who she uniquely is. I'm sure she'd shoot down these remarks, and say that likely much of this isn't done intentionally, but it doesn't mean it isn't true, I'd counter back.

And, I guess I want to highlight this type of friendship I have with her because, 1. it further helps understand myself and how I think, 2. well, I've always been incredibly adoring of my friends (really, I've always said, my family) and so why wouldn't I highlight any particular friendship, and 3. because it's distinctive enough that I feel it's important enough I note it.

I guess it's a mix of that brotherly thing I have with jess and yet the same way I view either Kristi or Erin - incredibly strong people who I don't necessarily have to agree with a majority of things on (which, really, is actually crucial for me) and still utterly respect them, while also people who I don't have to keep up with often and yet can just see again and it's like no time has passed since I last saw them.

I've said before that I tend to talk about my life in terms of my ex's (which Allison is), but also important are my friends. They're wonderful. It might help you see why I harp on the importance of the personality and character so often, too.

Finding the right person to date, for me, tends to be a more...complicated affair than I ever like. See, fundamentally, even regardless of any other possible traits, there is always a particular trait that I want that, in essence, tends to be (what I feel is) a reflection of myself - I want complexity. Not in the most general sense but in that you near contradict yourself.

As both Laura and jess are a testament to, I tend to prefer someone with an incredibly engagable personality, most often articulated in a public personality that is often completely agreeable. In fact, it often borders on being mistaken for being simplistic and, by extension, stupid (which, really, makes far more sense than you might initially assume; if people were to look only at my sense of humor, I'm either the driest individual you may come by or, on the other side of the spectrum, a complete asshole who completely banks on shock value for any sort of reaction or poor sex jokes. Focus on one aspect of anyone and you miss the possible complexity of their personality. This is just more easy a crime to commit since the public personality is the one we see of a person most often and, for some, entirely).

However, you'd be a fool (and also a bit of an ass) to assume as much. Get to know the person and they're utterly intelligent, often troubled, very much self-aware (ironically, even if they themselves aren't aware of it), etc.

And it's often such specificity that screws me over. I need someone who's patient enough and able to push me enough to deal with my intense shyness. At the same time, I need someone shy enough to not be domineering and to allow me take a leading role as well.

I want someone who actually challenges me. If I can sum them up easily (and, with so many people, that isn't that difficult), there's a problem. Which, in and of itself, often implies constant contradiction. Passionate, yet able to be subdued when appropriate in certain situations. Have to be independent and able to stand on their own, yet not optimally happy that way so they need someone to lean on and get support from (hence a huge component on most relationships). Someone jaded enough to not be happy-go-lucky yet willing to believe there's more out there. Like I've said before here, I need a dreamer. I need someone who feels that utterly pull to chase something. If you're not looking forward, you'll clash heavily with my own personality.

And part of that is what I feel is a huge problem - I need someone, in a sense, who is troubled.

I have clinical depression, along with a..."pleasant" childhood. I have a taste for the warped. The dark and dreary is not something which will not forever be a component of my life. As I've said before here, I don't plan to - and probably couldn't - cut that out of my life.

I like more extreme things. While I often being incredibly straight-lace in almost anything, I can look at things with a fascinated impartiality (I told my cousin, off a random thought, yesterday to try reading Catcher In the Rye but with Holden having a sexual crush on Phoebe, largely to just gross out my cousin, but also because the perversity of such a reading actually being possible is intriguing, when you really think about it). And that impartiality, as well as a bit of my hyperbolic sense of humor, is partially how I approach the world.

I don't want to hold back.

And I don't want to necessarily fall into old conventions about things but would rather explore something and decide for myself what to think of it all.

I'm being far too vague but I couldn't put things into more specific a way without going into specific examples, at which point things would be so specified that we'd need many examples in order to cover everything I'm talking about in every different case they might show up as.

My point is - pain, suffering, disillusionment, fear, even anger, are all very human. And while I don't want to be yelled at, I do want to see all of those things. You cannot possibly be completely un-traumatized by some point in your life or even your present. Share that. It's a part of you. Plus to be devoid of such things is boring.

People are messy. People are not perfect and they're incapable of being packaged in these nice little boxes.

Do not try to shove yourself into one of them. Frustration can be endearing and it's not something I don't want to deal with.

While, yes, being happy and getting along and being enjoyable is nice, that's not all of who we are. And, I guess, what I'm trying to say...you're more interesting that way so why hide it? Why deal with it in private.

I want someone who's able to control themselves and yet can be a mess. I want fucking complexity. Be varied, be vast, be radiant.

You know, I may not be the most perfect person, but I still (maybe foolishly) like to think I act with good intention and with honesty furthest in mind.

Being second-guessed, accused of lying about my intentions, and overall assumed to not have had the utmost well-being of the other person in mind makes me feel inhuman, you know…

I really need to do another archaic word of the day. It's been far too long since the last, yes?

So, as I imparted to Kari yesterday, it kinda pisses me off that there is a such a limited, narrow, and slanted view of what is attractive in terms of how women look (because, if we're being brutally honest, I'm far closer to straight than I am to being gay and so can speak more authoritatively on that end of the spectrum).

Granted, I still find physical attractiveness to be a sorry form of evaluation for people, pointless, and a cruelly unfair system that aids to many of the debilitating aspects of our society that erodes self-confidence and certainty in self-image (hyperbolic? I'd hardly say so).

That being said – I'm not going to convince many (if any) other people to my line of thinking. And, if that's the case (as I said above), it really pisses me off that there's such a limited view of what is considered attractive when it comes to women.

It may just be me, but there is a complete wealth of diversity and multitude of differing body types when it comes to girls (like I said, I'm a poorer judge when it comes to guys, so it's mostly ignorance talking there) that it absolutely amazes me that our society tries so harshly to smash it into some ridiculous notion of a singular mold. I mean...why would you want to limit yourself?

However, as I said above, there's a limited view of what is considered attractive. Obviously, attractive doesn't mean only physically attractive (and by physically attractive I mean traits that can only be derived through genes). There are many personal and cultural choices that a person can make that can make them attractive or not attractive to a person (such as choice of clothes or whether they wear glasses or not).

So, that being said, understand that the rest of this discussion in this post covers on some things which are just a matter of opinion and others of it are just inexcusable pickiness and stupidity. Also understand that while I'll focus on my out-of-what-is-usually-considered-the-norm attractions, I generally fall within the mainstream as well. Which is all fine and dandy. I get why we might flock to certain ideas of attractiveness and generally will agree. It's our seeming inability to venture away from these or even admit that the ones I'm going to list are perfectly applicable candidates as well that bothers me.

The first that drives me insane is our society's complete inability to recognize curves. I wanna scream every time some idiot mislabels someone as being "too fat" just because her body actually has a shape which differs from a stalk of celery. Obesity and curves are not the same thing. The latter, you dumbnut, happens to be the natural shape a woman's body takes. Not all, obviously, but please stop telling all to achieve that of a pole.

That being said – fat isn't a bad thing. Being chubby can be equally attractive. Criticize the muffin top, if you will, but chubby girls tend to be more cuddly and are tons more fun to hug.

Also, what's with the Only Huge Boobs Please thing? They get big enough and they start to no longer look human. Alright, alright, I'm being facetious by now; but, seriously, small breasts aren't a bad thing. They are quite the opposite often enough. Diversity, people!

Now, this next pet peeve of mine, admittedly, is mostly a preference thing. I can't honestly chastise people here in good conscience. Obviously some may just honestly disagree with me. But I've never been able to understand the makeup thing. If I wanted to be cocky and snide, I might say it's because I'm a fan of natural beauty and don't understand wanting to cover it up, but that would most clearly be just me being a smartass, and I could easily disassemble such an argument. That said – I still don't understand makeup. In 99.9% of the cases I've seen (and I'm mostly meaning towards the beautifying stuff, anyway (like lipstick, etc.); not movie makeup, for example), the individual looks utterly better just without makeup. But, then again, I've always had what my mother has called pathetically simplistic and boring tastes. A girl with no makeup, hair done up in a simple ponytail (with no other "trimmings"), and wearing jeans and a hoodie is a thousand times more attractive to me than one "dressed up" (say, a dress). Then again, I'm also a fan of adrogynous girls and what others might call "plain looking", for two other vaguely related examples.

I was slightly horrified, admittedly, yesterday when Vikki and Bailey started freaking out over Alys having a figure and going to go shopping with her; I've always found her to be attractive, unrevealing dressing style and all. Yeah, I said it; granted, it partially doesn't matter because this will likely never make it back to Alys and so she won't be able to glare at me like she tends to. But still. Regardless of where the majority lies, those are my tastes. I'm sure there are others out there that agree.

Also, arms with hair on them. Are they really so bad? At first I was kinda indifferent. Now a days, I lean a little more in favor of. It seems like whenever hair and female get put in the same sentence people recoil (I can mentally see my parents doing so right now) – but I don't get it. It can be just as cute or pretty as hair on one's head can be, I think.

I remember last Winter Break my mom asked me if I had seen any girls at college yet that I find attractive. Normally I either ignore her or say something along the lines of, "Why? It's only an illusion anyway." This time, however, I decide I'll humor her. So, I respond, "No, not really. I've kinda been into more masculine women lately." My parents reactions? They gawk and go, "What???" Now, granted, I probably meant more physically feminine women with a masculine gender, but (as I've said here many times now) butch women are pretty fantastic as well. My main point here is that there are, in the mainstream, a lack of women with a more masculine demeanor (either in only their gender or physically or some combination of both). I mean, if we're being totally technical, playing video games is still generally considered a masculine trait (as in it's considered socially acceptable when done by males and often not considered acceptable when done by females), which instantly makes gamer girls technically more masculine than most of their fellow female peers. But clearly most of us wouldn't instinctually label video games as being all that masculine (leastwise, I don't). I mean in areas that are more universally thought of as masculine, there is a lack of females which possess that. The only category (again, I'm talking mainstream, so (for example) the butch/femme lesbian culture doesn't really count, not to mention (to the best of my ignorant knowledge) I believe that culture is slowly fading away) for such a phenomenon is the old tomboy stereotype – and that's pretty limited. How about a girl that wears a lot of "guy" clothes (such as suits, etc.) but isn't all that athletic? However, if we could break stereotypes so easily in people's minds, I'd be a much happier person and quite busy in the world.

And I'm sure there are a million others I could think of. I didn't mentioned, for example, braces or glasses in part because our society is moving closer to finding them acceptable on a really mainstream level, even finding them cute. Anyone see Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs? It says something that the fact that the main character's love interest is a nerd, equipped with glasses, can go over our heads because we've become so used to the idea and also – well, she's a nerd! And it's a children movie that did well at the theatres. Think of how this may affect future generations of kids who saw the movie? Granted, I'm not going to assume that all such taunts and aversions to glasses will end because of this movie (my father once told me he would never have dated anyone else with glasses because he was so self-conscience about his own as a kid); but it's progress.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is, love your "imperfections" and "blemishes".

You never know who could be admiring them.

Oh, and also rail against the stupidity of society. But I guess that's kinda the undercurrent of this entire Xanga, now isn't it?

I was at the park today, swinging on the swings while listening to my iPod (one of my favorite activities). And, well, then a man approached me and told me the park was closed, right as I was really getting over the horrid mood that had drove me there to begin with.

Well, I just couldn't take the answer given to me, now could I?

There's a quaint little park in a subdivision literally bordering the Woodland Intermediate School that literally boarders my subdivision. It said on the sign that the park closes at dusk, but it also said the park is unsupervised, so that's basically an invitation, right?

As I sat there swinging, I was reminded once again why I love the area so damn much. Having spent the past 6 years really getting to know the Stevenson High School area (Buffalo Grove, Libertyville, Lincolnshire, Long Grove, etc.), it's pretty much like a second home to me. My parents and friends can well enough attest (seeing as the places of visit tend to be friends' houses), I spend more than enough of my share time there.

But only recently has that given me pause to rediscover the place I basically grew up. My parents (read: my mother) were not ones to let us out very often. We used to all go on bike rides together but that was when I was young (and, if I'm remembering correctly, I've mentioned that in a recent previous post on here with me saying that I wanted to re-see those places we, as a family, had visited since I hadn't seen them in so long). And, of course, by the time my parents started actually allowing me to step outside the subdivision, I was going out to see friends, all of which lived in the SHS area, which pretty regularly translates to being 30 minutes away from where I live. So, in reality, I was only superficially aware of my surrounding area (what little there is left of Gages Lake outside of my subdivision and Gurnee, seeing as it only takes 5 minutes to get to both Gurnee Mills and Six Flags; we may share the same zip code as Grayslake, but we're a bit different from them).

Now, I've said before on here that I would love to be able to really show and share with you that awe of seeing a completely barren parking lot (part of the reason for the picnic-in-a-parking-lot idea) or just the way it seems like this place just continually spans outward. But that doesn't get at all of it.

The culture here is different. Gurnee is far more urbanized than many suburbs nearer the city (again, namely the SHS area, amongst other places) and the southern, more rural parts of Illinois (most naturally). The type of urbanizing is interesting, too; you've got buses for public transportation, yet a lot of the business and urbanized aspect comes from the commercial aspect of the city. Hit around the Gurnee Mills mall and it's just line upon line of chain restaurants (McDonald's, Taco Bell, Culver's, White Castle, etc.). In fact, I don't think that area exists for any purpose other than a conglomerate of commercial venues.

Yet another aspect of Gurnee's urban nature, though, is the influx of city kids continually coming in, causing a cultural makeup that is very diverse. I remember walking through Gurnee Mills looking for job opportunities and just a wave of the social cliques that were so prevalent back in Middle School for me come waving back. You've got the urbanites, the goths, your run-of-the-mill upper class kids, your rockers/druggies, etc. And in some ways which are totally on a subtle level that is hard to explain, there's a distinct difference that I now remember from back in Middle School. It was kinda this relieving feeling as I can walk with people so familiar with a level of confidence that I just didn't have back then. Instead of being cautious and on-guard, I just felt like, "I'm back home."

But, despite it's urban nature, there's this feeling of flat out openness. The best example I have is, on Milwaukee Avenue (Highway 21) when it intersects with Gages Lake Road, across from the Dominoes, there's this giant office building. It's clearly built to hold tons upon tons of offices within. Looks really nice too. And it resides in a field of tall grass (though the grass looks grain-colored) that stretches for miles alongside that side of highway 21. And there's nothing as far as you can see (while standing directly across from this building) next to the building. Just this random office building, pretty far into this random, stretching field of tall grass.

And, honestly, it really is a bizarre site and almost this WTF moment. I mean, what were they thinking?

When my parents bought our house, it was still in the process of being built. The area is still a very new one. And it seems like, in so many ways, they just got really excited to build. But, since it was new and (yet, for whatever reason) did well and drew many people, it's like they just constructed what people needed. Oh, people need to live somewhere - let's make houses! We could probably get a lot of money around Gurnee Mills - cram it with commercial stores! We could provide for a lot jobs with all the new people coming to live here - build an office building!

So the place literally looks, all over, half constructed. You get things like an office building in the middle of a tall grass field. You get things like giant parking lots for Warren Township High School or some other random school or business building in a place that only adds to the sprawling feeling of the parking lot when it's empty because it's surrounded by grassy fields or there's a forest right beside it - and that's it's surroundings; not houses, not other buildings - fields and forests! It's the weirdest thing ever.

But you know my appreciation for weird things. Plus, this is very much the reason I love cities. I don't understand why, but I absolutely crave manmade living creations (stores, buildings, houses - but not being inside of them). At the same time, I adore the weather/nature. I'd die without it. Every so often I just have to go to a window and breath deeply. And you know how I do about the rain. So, more urban situations are perfect. A friend of mine commented to another friend of hers how she hates New York because it's so crowded and boxed in with a lack of nature (flowers, trees, etc.), unlike Chicago - bingo. Also, think the Evanston area, for another example of what I like.

It's the perfect combination for me. Suburbs are more hit-and-miss in comparison to this. It's hard to explain, but I'm very particular about these surroundings.

So, while the Gurnee and Gages Lake area is by far not a city in the traditional sense, you get those more urban "living constructions" with an overabundance of nature all over the place. It's not the same as a city - it's actually quite a different experience - but it provides the same ingredients.

So what's different is that, when people aren't in that parking lot or that office building is closed for the day - time literally seems to stand still. It's like everyone has abandoned the world and you get that scant moment to really take in and enjoy the stillness, that undisturbed peace and quiet. It's very much along the lines of why I love nature, that moment to just absorb and wrap yourself in the beauty of it all - but it's combining evenly manmade constructions and nature at the same time (think of the parking lot surrounded by forests that I mentioned above). It's astounding. Yet, if you want civilization and human interaction again, just go to Gurnee Mills or Six Flags or come back to the place again when people are working there.

It's the best of both worlds, this crazy area that seems stuck between development and the beginning birth of construction (or no construction at all, if you decide to go to the forest preserve connected to our subdivision).

Now, there's more to me than just this. The SHS area is my home. I know it well and it's very well a part of me (and, considering that most of (like, 80%) my friends hail from there, it's where my family's from). I'm distinguishing Gurnee/Gages Lake in the same way I might point out the differences of the SHS area to brag about it. I mean, to be honest, there's very little, if any, of a nerd identity back in the culture of Gurnee/Gages Lake (at least certainly not a unified one). And I will probably never find so prominant and distinct a gothic community anywhere else as I did at Stevenson.

But I was sitting in that park this night, that just in itself looks half finished (really basic, done in the middle of this open field with just tall grass leading up to the Woodland School and with those exercise bars that I've never understood why they're put in children's parks; it's like the constructor though, "Oh, this'll only take three bars - cheap; let's do it!").

And between the school and this park is this lake, with the reflection of the half moon in the crisp night sky shining on the water. And it just smells like a lake, so beautiful.

And behind me, if I'm facing the lake (and, by extension, the school), is the subdivision, which in itself feels half finished, with streets that go into an intersection and then just end in a deadend, as if the builders were just building with no plan, just until the demand wore out.

And I'm just swinging, listening to my iPod, and watching the cars go past across the lake on Gages Lake Road.

And it's everything that I love, in a moment so peaceful and perfect, that I wish I could show to you how it felt right then during that night sky with the beauty of the forest behind me and the lake to the right of me, with people getting ready for sleep to the left of me in that subdivision and the world going about it's buisness across the lake.

It was so beautiful; I love this town.

I was originally saving it for a date idea (because if the girl or guy ever said yes to such an idea, I'd know immediately I've picked a winner) but, seeing as I've been single for nearly a year now (we're not dwelling on the fact for too long, understand?), fuck that.

Who wants to have a picknik with me at midnight in the middle of an empty parking lot with a boombox/stereo of some sort playing our favorite music?

One of the things that I've always feared but have never had reason enough to worry about it as to mention it ever was how I might deal with moodswings in the future. I mean, as I've always said, relationship doesn't really include the I. It's almost always We, with an occasional-to-frequent You.

But, some of these days, I just don't want to deal with people. My ability to simply face situations is dwindling. And, sometimes, I'd rather slug a person than tolerate them to touch me. So what do I tell my spouse or my kids? Don't deal with me today, don't talk to me, though I can't bear to stand it? I've always hated to make others suffer for my own moods. They're my moods, my problems - other people don't deserve to have to deal with that burden. But that's a little more difficult when you live with people.

I'll be honest, I hate the notion. But I'm seemingly getting worse and I can't seem to ignore that anymore. Most days are spent just trying to keep myself emotionally stable than actually being productive in any foreseeable capacity.