August 9, 2009
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"Do you remember what it looked like?"
"What?"
"Being afraid."
I stopped tying my shoe and shot him a look of confusion. The lights from the sign of the restaurant behind his head caused me to have to squint a little. I opted to avoid the question. "Why're you here, again?"
I had actually never met him before. Why he was bothering to talk to me was beyond me. Why he still sticks out in my memory might be another question I could ask.
There was nothing (and I say this earnestly) about him which stood out at first glance; Hell, even if I had been given twelve hours to study him in detail, he defined ordinary. I'd describe him to you, but I might lose concentration during the process.
He nodded over his shoulder toward the restaurant. "Waiting for my boyfriend to get off of work."
In all the previous excitement, I hadn't bothered to give the establishment any attention. It was a Chick-fil-A - a restaurant you probably haven't even heard of and one that sounded like a generic version of KFC. Looking directly at the sign now, I noticed that some of the lights had burnt out. Still enough to be bright, but - honestly, way to stand out. I returned to finish the bow I had been tieing before for my shoe.
"I'm not really sure where I'm going with this one....
Comments (4)
I'm itchin to do a sentence-level critique of this. But we'll save that for the Tribs forums (haha).
Naturally you're looking for story-level at the moment. Are we looking into some commonality between the narrator and this other character? In reflecting on their bond the other character points out something poignant (what it looked like being afraid) that makes the narrator question the situation/whatever that they each experienced? And then, quickly, disregards it because it's dangerous. But, like he says, he still "sticks out in his memory" so he can't forget his questioning of the experience. These are just my assumptions.
BTW, don't take this the wrong way, but this also has your now-classic opening of one character interrupting another in the middle of doing something. Just something I noticed.
And I'm gonna get started on The Books (or whatever we decide to call it) soon. My weekend is here finally but I'll be out of town today so maybe tomorrow.
I REALLY like this
@bangwhimper - Heh, it's not my classic opening, just similar to it. I was thinking of that when I came up with the opening. If it was my classic opening, the narrator would have been thinking about something, then interrupted from thought (usually by dialogue).
Yes, we both need to get started on that one. I was wondering (since it was based on us to begin with) should we handle it from two characters' point of view (mine and yours)? That way it doesn't seem like the character is changing personality when if we were to both write for him.
BTW, now I'm curious what sentence-level critique you would do.
@morbidxshadows - Heh, why thanks. What do you like about it? Unfortunately, I'm not entirely sure where to take it.... We'll see.
@thirst2 - Well if it's not your classic opening then you should CHANGE IT to that. That way all your stuff will match!
Awesome idea on the story!! That aughtta make things easier for when I get started.
And the usual warnings (if we've established any) apply for my sentence-level critiques. I guess it all amounts to "no offense" or something.
--"a look of confusion" sounds weak but when I try to change it I end up changing "shot" too (which I liked) so that one's really up to you I guess
--I want a cool simile or something for the lights behind his head. I keep wanting them to be neon and "cast an off-white (or something better) halo around his *adjective* silhouette" or something like that. Naturally, this has a lot to do with what direction you intend to take the story in. "Caused" in that same line bugs me... so does "a little," and in that case I might just scrap it altogether and leave it at "squint." Idk... minimalism.
--"why me beyond me" sounds a little too repetitive, could just be my taste.
--"and I say this earnestly" really established a voice for me and I liked it. "Hell" did the same thing though they didn't quite jibe together very well. That may just be resolved were the story to continue and the voice be more established.
--"lose concentration in the process" I feel like you'd think of something better for in a second draft or something. Kinda like my nitpicking with the *neon* lights.
--"before for my shoe" sounds a little rough but it's the ending so I'll let it slide cuz I'm out of ideas.
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