Ummm, thanks?
I think I need an update on my consistant-huge-entry-that-compiles-all-of-which-defines-me. Right now, however, I need to finish homework and then actually hit bed. Maybe tomorrow I can actually do an entry that says something about what I've actually done during my day. You know, like a normal journal.
Until then, from the first of August from this year:
I've been trying since yesterday to think of something to say, but I don't know what I want to or even, say, "need" to.
I'm just at a point where I want someone here with me and our dual presense can be the answer to every question that may, will, or is plaguing me (most of those falling in the "I have no clue what they are" category).
Maybe the "answer" is temporary, or isn't really the answer at all. But it's nice and what I want for a while.
That's always seemed so ridiculous to me, that people would want to be around someone because they're pretty. It's like picking your breakfast cereal based on color instead of taste.
-John Green, Paper Towns
Thank you, Rachael
I don't know how I got here, but my emotions just took the plunge. I'm jittery, un-Godfully lonely, depressed, tired, anxious and restless, and still have homework.
Fuck, I feel awful...
Well, if I haven't said so already, my fantastic cousin is attending college with me this year. An incoming Freshman, this will be the most I've ever seen her in a year since the day she was born.
Of course, the past few days, I've had her come help me with a couple of things. She's great to talk to. The family tends to think we're twins; while we do have a good deal in common (both open-minded thinkers, very similar opinions on religion, both have a fantastic guilt complex, both compationate, both have very gothic interests (though she refuses to consider herself a goth)), there are distinct differences between us. She's far more upbeat than I am, though she has her moments (of course, I don't think that she has depression, and that can make a sizable difference). She seems to like Gossip Girl; excuse me while I gag in the back of my thro- I mean, to each their own. 
D} The one thing I had noticed yesterday, though, was that she seems far more fluent socially than I am.
Me, when in a situation I'm not familiar with, tend to widthdraw into myself. Already with a soft voice, I don't say much during large conversations with people I'm not very, very familiar with. When someone I know is having a conversation with someone else I don't know, I wait until addressed at all before talking.
She, it seems, has none of these issues. She simply started talking to other friends I have. And it seems most of her Entry already knows her and is friendly with her.
Now, mental fear is far more difficult to break than it would seem (it literally can utterly paralyze you at times) so these social difficulties are not as seemingly easy as you might assume. But they explain why I was quite distant from my Entry all of my Freshman year, awkward with my roommate, and left with a feeling of not many friends by the end of Freshman year.
Which I don't mind, I should note. It actually means I'm probably right on schedule. I made very little friends other than a few upperclassmen my Freshman year of high school (the same happened for college, but with more friends from my year, which is surprising). Sophomore year, I swear half of the Freshman class accepted me in and enthusiastically became friends with me (I'll never understand why it happened, but I thank you utterly, class of '09). Something similar is likely to happen this year. Probably not to the same extent but I've been handed similar luck - my cousin is likely to allow me to get to know a lot more people, most being (surprise, surprise) a year younger than me.
It's interesting, I think. We'll see where life goes.
I'm kinda listless about it, to be brutally honest. Ah, but what else is new, right?
Kinda weird thinking I'm going back in a matter of 5 or so days. It'll be an interesting year, I'm sure (largely due to the five classes I'll have). In theory, I'll have gotten a better placing this year (socially and otherwise). Of course, it wasn't really until Junior year of high school that I got myself pretty settled. Some things just take time, with which I'm fine with. There's a slew of things on campus I'm involved with that I can't wait to dive into again.
I've got a single room this year, so no roommate to have to manage. Plus, my previous no-window, small room got switched for a senior single. Which is nice.
We'll see how it goes.
Tomorrow I'm going to stop by the old high school GSA for the last time. It's somewhat astounding how far it's come. Yeah, yeah, I know, I've talked about this a million times. Suppose it's a final goodbye to everyone, as well. I need to do a bit of packing next week - joys....
It's really been an uneventful day. I stayed up far too late wanting to watch A.I.: Artificial Intelligence but YouTube were taking far too long to load. Maybe tomorrow.
After waking up, me and my brother watched Mary Poppins and The Great Mouse Detective (fantastic movie). I love doing things with just my brother, because often enough what we enjoy we agree on. Mary Poppins has never been more amusing. Too many moments where we just looked toward each other and burst out laughing.
Why must be looking for scholarships be so difficult?
In unrelated news, I actually watched The House Bunny today. I wouldn't've been so disappointed (or disappointed at all - I had the stupid thing pegged before I watched it) if it hadn't somehow convinced me it had some merit to it at at the beginning of the film.
If you haven't seen the movie yet, I'll give a quick rundown. We're informed by the main star in a quick 5 minutes at the beginning of the movie that she was pretty much an outcast and loner when she was younger. Then she got older and was seen to be pretty. Not very smart to begin with, she opts to use her looks to her advantage. So, she does as any other girl would naturally do in this situation - she joins Playboy to live in the Playboy mansion.
The beginning seemed like fantastical satire, even during the entirety of the Playboy mansion scenes. As the girls danced around in what seems to be some sort of fantasy for some people (hey, if girls in "rabbit suits" smacking each other's behinds is what gets you off - and you find a consenting adult to participate - I'm not one to protest), you couldn't help but feel the movie was highlighting something. As the main character put it when she expresses she one day wants to be a centerfold (paraphrased), "The centerfold is one of the most prestige awards a person can get. It's like saying, 'I'm naked and featured in a magazine.'" Hard to argue with that.
As part of a cruel plan from another house member, she receives a fake letter that says she must leave the Playboy mansion.
Somehow, she happens upon a college and wants to become a sorority mother; and happens to choose the most unpopular one she can come across (for a rather shortened version and sum up).
Now, I admit, while not stellar, I enjoyed the humor thus far. After all, I wasn't exactly expecting hard-hitting, groundbreaking material from this movie to begin with.
And the sorority members gave a really distinct and utterly fun new set of characters. There was the leader, the geek of the group (it was rather fantastic to watch her go on about Battlestar Galactica and to have her list ideas for the sorority such as B.Y.O.M - Bring Your Own Mouse...much to others confusion). There was a girl who had to wear, basically, a full body brace all the time. Another girl who had an incredibly deep voice and walked around all the time hunched over. One of my favorites, one with a ton of facial piercings and a totally feminist view point (a great line was when she hoses a guy in the face who was drooling over some girls and remarks, "Just washing the testosterone away"). And the other memorable one that comes to mind is a girl who never talks, and mostly hides most of the movie. During the big scene where she does, one of them remarks, "Wait....you're British??"
As you might expect for the plot, the "House Bunny" changes all of them and, at the end, they figure out they've lost their personalities and who they were.
Except one thing...they all still seem to dress rather nicely, the feminist one going as far as to not to bother to put back all the piercings in her face and, even, keep her hair dyed and wear a bit of makeup.
Now, now - before we go any further: I have no issue with maybe the character fitting this new mold instead of the previous one. In trying to break societal expectations, we don't necessarily need to defy society's idea of normal. In fact, any time you choose to define yourself by defying something else, you defeat the purpose and/or have no further purpose (with a few concrete and specific exceptions, of course).
However...is it so impossible to finally have a character which destroys what we expect from a person and not force him/her back into this preconceived mold by society?
In all honesty, while The Breakfast Club didn't really seem to be all that special or different from most teen movies of similar material, I can never really forgive it for it's treatment of Allison.
Labeled the "freak" in the movie, she's by far the most out there of the characters. By the end of the movie, we get this:
Some may disagree with me, but they robbed the character of the person.
Again, don't get me wrong - my issue is not that they've now made her exactly what society expects of her. It's that there is rarely a strong, wholesome character displayed in media who is normalized while not trivializing (nor getting rid of entirely) their interests and who they are.
In the end, just be who you are. If you happen to be a blond who happens to be in cheerleading and only dates football players and you do that because that's just what feels most normal to you - then do it. But do not suddenly stunt your intelligence and mistreat others because that's what's accepted of you. Be who you want to be, regardless of what society tells you to be (notable exceptions to the rule (obvious stuff) are being purposely stupid, being immoral, etc.).
My favorite scene from The Breakfast Club, admittedly, is a scene during the detention, where all the students are bored. And, so, Allison decides to shake dandruff from her hair onto the table in front of her. Once she finished making it snow for a little bit, she looks down in complete joyful wonder at the site, with an almost childlike entertainment; completely unaware of anyone else's gaze or judging.
While, ultimately, The House Bunny seemed like it might offer some substance of interest, the saddest part of the movie was simply that it offered so many decent (if stunted) good moments and, to an extent, message while not bothering to check or care if they mashed completely with its formulaic plot and message.
The part I can't seem to get from my head is when, emotionally moved, the main character says something along the lines of, "That just makes my heart fall out of my head." The feminist retorts, "Do you realize how utterly stupid you sound when you say that?"
And, while not really marked (as I remember it) as a special or epiphany-like moment, she simply states, "I know that my heart doesn't reside in my head; but I do know that when you're following a logical plan, it won't work still unless you put your heart into it." Again, paraphrased - and more effective when done by the actress. But it really just gets it across that just because a person isn't articulate or smart in the most traditional of senses, that doesn't mean they aren't smart, aware, and just as deserving of respect. And maybe it wasn't the best way to demonstrate that point and they should've applied that sentiment to the character for a larger portion of the movie.
But maybe it's so striking because that level of maturity and insight from this type of movie is so utterly unexpected.
I've decided that it is quite important to conduct a trip dedicated to visiting places related to gay history with a relatively small group of voluntary people in my relative age range who have a interest in sexuality and are majoridly non-heterosexual (this largely, though not entirely, because I can't imagine finding a huge group of heterosexuals who would be direly interested in this sort of trip; I certainly wouldn't dream of turning any one away, of course).
The reason for this trip? Well, little more complicated than the simple line answer I'd like to give. Part of it is I know the disassociation from identity that growing up gay, etc. in this type of society a person can acquire. And identity means the difference between being un-phased by someone using faggot as a threat to someone else around you and then actually deciding that your rights ought to be faught for and you deserve to be equal. And you never really realize just how much of a difference a personal association and connection to your sexuality can really make. That would be a huge aspect of the trip, to restore a sense of history to a community which still isolates its youth beyond partying, clubbing, and pop references (as if those things have anything specific to do with being gay, but I'll avoid descending into a rant).
Also is the immense ignorance of history that many gay youth have; I'd slightly forgotten this over the past year with the time away from the high school GSA that I've had and my own inclusion in the QSU on campus and my keeping up with gay news outlets. Most have no concrete idea what the Kinsey Scale is (or who the Hell Alfred Kinsey was), much less are even out of the closet.
Finally, the simple time taken to hang out with a group of old friends (and any others I can get to come with) in a setting where everyone, even those not out yet to most anyone, can feel safe with their own sexuality.
Of course, the trip won't be strictly limited to just these sites. We'll visit the surrounding areas if they strike a person's interest, though such diversions won't be often. Some will be necessary. For example, the visit of the Holocaust memorial in Berlin focusing on gays persecuted during the Nazi regime will certainly include (and may be visited after) the memorial dedicated to the Holocaust persecution of the Jews (in part because the former imitates the latter and because the two are quite connected and the attack towards other minorities is a very important lesson for them to learn).
The trip will not only cover the USA. Not only that the spot of Stonewall must be visited, (as I noted above) the Holocaust museums in Berlin will be visited. I want to see if any spots dedicated to the progressive and leading stance Weimar Germany held as a gay haven and educational center are around. I know there are other places I saw I want to see but I have to do a bit more research.
Now, of course, this trip won't be easy. Particularly if I want to jump around countries. Parents can be protective. And then there's the whole thing about taking their kids to learn about gay history.... But I really want to see if I could do this. It'd be a blast and be important to be done. We'll see. Would have to be next year (or later), anyway.
Anyone else have suggested places?
Honestly, I sometimes worry if I made a "culture" for myself of wasting out - when you're under depression, dealing with many things out of your control, and then have homework on top of all that, staying up late, uploading on sugar, etc. is a bit justified. And it's slightly therapeutic for the self, I would argue.
However, when you actually bother to plan things out so you have enough time to do the work and really have little excuse as to not get the homework done on time, etc....that habit of slacking off, staying up, and all else kind of looses the credit it had.
And yet, I had two or so days to work on a paper and I didn't bother to. The night before the day it's due (today at 5 PM) I spent with friends eating Twizzlers and brownies and watching The Blues Brothers and The Land Before Time. Now I'm putting together my draft with no sleep yet - and feel fantastic. Granted, that might be because I actually have a draft already that, if worse came to worse (I have 'til five, there's no way I'm not doing any editing to the thing, don't worry), I could just turn in without any editing. It could be that I can sleep in like all Hell after this paper is turned in because it's finals week. Or, for all I know, it could be a natural high I have from running on caffeine, sugar, and a lack of sleep.
Yet I think part of it is just being within a medium I know well and understand - I have a visible deadline coming up and (technically) I still have plenty of time. I do best with a deadline and when I'm right up against it. Perhaps that's a product of that "culture" of burn-out.
Maybe it's just great to be stretching myself out like this. Back to those depression discussions over being able to "feel" yourself.
Or maybe the inability to keep concentration due to depression and the depression itself is excuse enough and I'm being too harsh on myself. I dunno, can't say.
But I feel great. It's gonna be a good day. Wish you all the same.
To think not too long ago I was worrying I didn't update my Xanga enough. Should I work on my paper tonight? If I get to sleep at 2, I can wake up at 10:30 like I usually would've for Sundays. If I work on my paper, I get some work done I don't have to worry about on Monday (a day before the paper is done). I'm more likely to actually work on Monday, though (in theory). All in all, waking up before 12 is probably a wise idea. Bed it is then, after this entry.
So, when asked about what I miss about HS/home, I usually respond that it's the sense of community that was there. I was placed with people I knew pretty damn well, comfortable in my skin as a result, and actually cared about (which is turning into more of a surprise to me than I certainly expected). For all it was worth, it was definitely a worthwhile experience. But none of this information is new.
I was looking through some of the photos of Prom, reflecting over the news I had heard (though slight) of back home, and I was struck by just how utterly left out I felt. Which, of course, is to be expected - it's been a year I've been gone. And people do have lives, after all.
I know some have joked that I was kind of the "parent" (often the specific wording was mother, but I take umbridge with that specific label) of a good deal of my friends. While logically generally stated by those 2 grades younger than me, Monica has noted that a lot of the people who spent time together (in her perspective) were brought together because I knew most of them. She felt kind of isolated from some people this year because she didn't know them as well. While this sentiment might be true for some, I've never assumed, or would think to assume, that this is true for many (it's one thing to be appreciated; to think you have a specialized place of importance borders on egoism).
However, to an extent, there is a bit of that feeling. For the Seniors this year, not so much (though I do feel like I have no clue what's going on in their lives, for the most part). But for the Juniors? Even the Sophomores this year - while I didn't know many (or that well), these guys still have, at minimum, a year to go. I feel I ought to be there. There's so much they're going to go through. And I'm totally missing these huge times of our friendship.
Again, though, this should come at no surprise. I've always been someone with a deep-seated need (I think I wouldn't be over-stepping with using need) for a community. I love history and honestly feel left out if something (let's take the long history and in-jokes of homestarrunner.com) has a extensive past history that I don't know entirely. When someone makes a reference to something that happened in the past - I feel this odd melancholy of isolation. Of course, when it comes to actual people, it's a little more serious.
So (brief, slight shift in subject), I never understood that idea of sitting around and talking. Granted, I never did well socially in groups of people I don't know well - this might explain when my parents would go out and drag us (the kids) along, I didn't do well mingling. Give me my corner and let me dwell. But amongst those I do know, I've discovered this year I do better. And, for me at least, it's a way to get to know people better. And with all the ideology I continually spew, I think we all know that the notion of knowing others better is probably one I'd subscribe to easily and quickly. Fully endorse, we might say....
In any case, it helps also foster this idea of community. And I've realized what I'll need someday - a stable community. Something where I can always return. A family, of sorts.
Because of the unity my cousins and my siblings and I had (until our parents all separated to different locations), I plan to someday run the idea by them of having all of us live in a cluster together someday. That way that same friendship and bond could happen with them as it did with us. Either way, I need a sense of community (no, nvm, not a sense - the actual thing). It would be nice.
It's still kind of weird thinking I may or may not be allergic to certain sea food. I'm definitely staying away from clams for life, but I kind of miss actually enjoying shrimp.
Today starts changes in the way I handle school. Plot out what needs to be done - do it, no distractions. I'm cutting into my time for dinner with this entry.
The issue is I'm nailed up against a wall, a bit. I've given up on Orgo, to be honest. I'm hoping to get the grade drop, but, if I can't, there's really no point to keep hoping at this point; I have no clue what's going on in the class.
And, really, I ought to be using the time for my other classes. I need to focus on my research paper and I need to focus on my previous paper for history - I have little idea what I'm doing, in total. Plus, I've recieved two C- papers for both english and philosophy today. Chem. is an indulgence of sorts - one I don't need.
I can't remember if I've ever remarked it here. I probably have, way back when in the past. Certainly somewhere, if not Xanga. Like many things in life, it connects to other ideas (mainly that idea of being alive versus living). When things got near to unbarable but you were too frightened to take your own life, you simply gave up. Living was a goal - stay breathing, stay functioning (even if barely). It was attainable. Just stop caring. I used to think that included not caring about things that might bring consequences (namely, in this scenario, grades). You just had to get through.
The issue is, to get through, you have to be able to just go through life. It isn't so simple now. Just getting by would result in poor grades which would definitely impact me later on. And, if I've made it this far, no way in Hell I'm gonna just back out now. That means caring at a later point in life. That means not having a load of shit to deal with when you "wake back up".
I honestly never thought I'd end up missing it. Sophmore year constitutes some of the most emotionally trying memories of my life (largely pioneered by a raging depression). And it was then that such a technique was so necessary. But I can't float through life and just give up caring at this point. All or nothing, in a sense. Better get dinner; time's running and homework's calling.
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