One of the drawbacks of having a penis: when you're swinging on a swing set, it's like constantly crushing a piece of your body the entire time. So then you try to shift it, you know, so you don't flatten the poor thing. But then it's laying on top of your leg; and it's not like there isn't enough heat they're being subjected to with the stupid seat of the swing crushing your thighs together. By the end, you're stuck wishing you could simply detach and reattach your reproductive order whenever you wish. That would be sweet. And very difficult.

I honestly do have to wonder how I end up with so large a group of the female sex for friends. For this time period, you'd think otherwise.

Which reminds me of Sophomore year, as a Freshman Lilia openly adjusted her bra and, I think, complained about her period. Oddly enough, she decides to remark that she really shouldn't be telling me this stuff later. To which I must react - why? Like I don't know you're wearing a bra. Or that you have a period. It's like we give such minuscule stuff a feeling that we shouldn't be talking or sharing it. One of my favorite things about the Ancient Greeks was their public bathrooms.

Just a slew of connected toilets with no walls between them. And they just sat their and, as they did their universal business, discussed whatever a normal conversation would cover. Fantastic! No worries about embarrassment over non-embarressing stuff. But really, the more pressing and important question of this matter was why I didn't try to do more with a girl so open about her bra. The possibilities were probably endless. But, for another day.

However, the topic does bring us to another topic. Ever been somewhere with your parents and there's a group that's somewhere near in the social setting? And, of course, mom or dad mentions something like, "Can't those kids sit still?" or "Why are they so loud?" And, of course, you can't help but think both statements are ridiculous. But, more so, it goes back to that basic tenement of whatever pleases and makes you happy to a tee isn't necessarily what you ought to expect. There are others in this world. Actually think of them (father dearest, start taking notes). I guess when people act out, or against what's "publically/socially acceptable", I always want to object, "So?" If someone's happy - cherish that. For the sake of God, cherish that. For a world stricken by lies, two-faced...ness, cheating, depression, lack of proper self-esteem, betrayal, physical parental abuse - and the many, many et cetera, this person is happy. Geez, let them have that! I honestly think, if you don't just live at least once in your life - what's the point? Take a risk, make a fool of yourself, cuss pointlessly, sing to yourself in public (I apparently wasn't loud enough to get odd glances at the park today), play the penis game in a public sphere, just do something that reminds others how badly we construct expectations that have no real (logically held-up) reason for being followed. So, okay, yeah, they're being loud and disrupting others just a bit. They're also 14. And have more screwed up domestic issues than you want to sift through. Let 'em be...not like they're harming anyone or being immoral. Let them have the moment.

I rediscovered why I loved Metallica again today. I dunno if it's just because I grew up to it, am just used to it, or whatever, but I love the full sound of an electric guitar. Amazing instrument.

Yeah...trust I seek
    and I find in you
Everyday for us something new...
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters
(-Metallica)

There was some seemingly unrealated rant I was going to go with that...Sabbath, anyone?

I wonder if I have to serve Sunday Mass this week. Probably. I usually do. Williams' Secular Community party on Saturday. Plus all my homework. And Work. Should be fun....

Hmm, yeah...totally can't think of what else I was going to say. Which is odd, because I could've sworn...huh. Definitely one of my more...free-form flowing thought...like entries. I'm usually not this flitty. Random topics FTW, I suppose.

Oh, do you believe in Rock 'n' Roll?
Can music save your immortal soul?
And can you teach me how to dance...real slow?
-Don McLean

Heh, I'm such a product of the suburbs...

Well, this is about half a year after it happened to me, but "on time" was never something that ran in my family, it seems.

In any case, towards the beginning of the year, there was held what was called a Screw Dance (why, I dunno) for all the Freshies. The entries all got together and people were randomly hooked up (you got to specify certain things, however, you'd want for a partner). Funnily enough, I was told it was casual dress and I had work beforehand. And, of course, some people had to dress up (ties and button-ups) and, of course, they had to be some of the first people I see. So I do a slight panic episode before the dance. You probably would've laughed.

In the end, I decide to just forget about it and I probably won't see my partner for the night soon anyway, if things when utterly horribly.

I forget the name of my date (I forget everyone's name, first time I meet them (and subsequent times afterwards...)). I do remember she was not from in-country because she kept refering to American customs the entire night. One of her complaints was our choice in dance music (they played mostly rap the entire night. There was a moment where they played Journey's Don't Stop Believing(let me tell you, watching everyone in that room kind of just stop and every single person in there sing the lyrics was one of the coolest things ever) but she didn't recognize the song).

So, at one point, she notices the crucifix around my neck and remarks, "Are you Christian?" Then she sort of laughs and asks, "Are you a hard believing Christian or are you a 'Christian' - American Christian." Heh, I'm probably making (and will make) this girl sound so awful. She was very nice. Quite joking.

However, the sentence did strike me. Granted, I know what she meant. We have many who are willing to claim being a Christian while not following any of the tenements and picking and choosing well away.

However, countering that (and more to my annoyance), we have plenty of zealous, religious lunatics who do more than their fair share to twist not only logic but sanity and reason to a point that living loses all sense. But that's a divergence for another day...

There are many things about the American people which piss me off to no extent. Which all the more angers me because I believe in and love America.  For all out faults, there is plenty when we got right.

Yet, particularly in religion, we've got some screwed up habits (and people). To be honest, if it weren't for my crucifix, I don't think some would realize any religious dinomination about me - which is what I would want. Religion, in my mind, ought to be (for the most part) a very private thing. While countrary to "mainstream" Christianity, my actions ought to speak for my religion. But I see its function far differently from that of others.

In any case, I hope my actions in the end say more of me than anything else. There's a reason I put a good deal of intent into them.

Why is it I have to be so patient and accepting (and sound like a conceited ass in that sentence)? I mean, I really do have enough to deal with. No, forgive me, I can't fill out every request for help. I wish I could, believe me. If I could just solve problems for the rest of my life (and be capable of it), I would. I'd quite enjoy it. But I really I can't. And here I am, listening to the problems and trying to offer support. Tad bit hypicritical Jon, wouldn't you say?

Honestly, I'm not that eye-catching. And I can't even solve my own problems. I'm a false hope if you believe in me.

I should be finishing my paper. I still have time. But I wasted the day. I'm tired.

You know, I would really like to rant about appearance right now - I know, I know, you guys have heard it all before. But when I hear comments for Miley Sirus, listing the reason as to why they like because she's cute - pardon??? "Oh, I like Lily better because she's prettier than Miley." Well, would it be so surprising that this commenter winds up with a eating disorder someday? I shouldn't say that - that's so assuming, it's pitiful. But honestly? Is that how you live you life? Oh, he/she's not attractive, so I won't give him/her the time of day?

You know what - I'd love to subject each person to being an outcast when they're younger. Get picked on, feel insecure about yourself, never know if someone is telling you a straight answer or not - go through that shit and try to degrade another person after that.

Honestly, the things we pick each other over - it's so utterly petty. And disgusting.

Further, that whole, believe in God or you don't go to Heaven crap, no matter what you've done on Earth - I don't know much (I'm willing to contend very little, in all aspects of life), but if that's the basic measure of a man, we're in serious shit.

In a world that can be as utterly cruel as it wants, without humanity's intervention - people's acts of kindness are all we've got. You remember that, damn it - the only difference between peace and Hell on Earth is you. So, thanks for feeding me when I had no food, when you clothed me, when you gave me shelter - oh, and enjoy Hell, because you weren't a Christian.

Fuck you, you pretentious pigs. Yes, I'm aware I've ceased to even begin to construct a wholly logically based argument anymore, and I've also forsaken speaking politely. But I've seen more than enough of Hell. And I'm sick of bickering with the ignorant.

Imagine if you could be so enraptured in someone without having to gaze at the shape of their body, but just enthralled by who they are, the layered facets of their personality. Oh, I can't articulate it.

But you'd never get bored of them and they'd never cease to amaze.

EDIT Dec. 7th, 2008 7:21 PM: I think I got it today, while watching Colors of the Wind on YouTube, no doubt. A surprising amount of commenters were talking about the Wiccan religion, due to the striking similarity of its tenements and those in the video (belief in everything having a spirit or life and being important - assuming I've interpreted them correctly). And for one commenter ("I want to be Wiccan"), I was tempted to comment as a joke, "Don't say that - they'll be accusing Disney of being anti-Christian soon." Of course, I wasn't serious (though, considering Harry Potter and Twilight, who's to say). I was glad to see her exercising her opinion and making her own choices. Anyone who knows me knows I differ in belief, but (of course and always) to each their own. And then I realized my actual problem. As I'm sure you've all listened to the song, it's simply about acceptance and caring for each other. And I love that.

If I'm to go to Hell for thinking that those welcoming gates aren't big enough for so big of hearts - well, then fine. No one who knows me can say I don't love God, but I can't love humanity any less.

I owe my life to a questioning atheist and a deist. I expect to see their faces come Judgement Day.

I've expressed before how, given I do try to be as courteous as possible, I get rather irritated when people act rudely in any fashion when talking to me.

So there's this woman who serves in one of the dining halls who, everytime to just about every person, scowls and barely gives you a second to speak, she's that eager to just get rid of you and move on to the next person. There's a very select few, I've noticed, she does give the time of day to, however. In any case, I always try to be polite, saying thank you everytime she gives me my meal, smiling despite my irritation with the same treatment everytime, etc.

So, today, as I went to get my food, her demeanor was totally different. She was quite laid back, friendly, and we had a brief conversation. I'm terrible with first conversations, so I'm sure I walked away looking like a total idiot, but she was nice! I'd like to think it was a combination of being nice everytime and also becoming a familiar face over time. You can reach anyone, I'd like to think.

Everyone can be reached. Everyone can be...helped. You think some people are hopeless - not me.
-Harvey Milk

I keep receiving spam from a sender named Jenn titled, "WANNA SEE MY PICS?" I have a cousin named Jenn. It's really starting to freak me out.

'Cause Manda tagged me: All you need to do is create a post with 10 random facts about yourself; simple as that.

1. I didn't know I have actually been outside of the U. S. until earlier this year. Apparently my parents brought me to Canada when I was younger - and I never realized it.

2. My cousins, myself, and my siblings used to be really close, in that we used to see each other all the time and spend time together. We weren't always nice to each other. My oldest cousin (Jenn) used to be a bit of a bully and would harass my brother. Probably partially out of peer pressure, partially because at the time I saw nothing wrong with it, I'd often be the equal participator. My other cousin (Dominique, who I call Dod (pronounced Dode) or Dods, derrived from her family nickname Dodi) was able to spend less time with us and she always was the weakest. Therefore, when she was around, abuse was shifted somewhat to her (oddly enough, me and her are the closest of friends now; I rarely think of it, but she's the closest to me of the few that are). As my sister and other cousin (Francesca) were born, the took the role of littlest and were excluded from most stuff. It kind of became the Big Kids and the Little Kids idea. That's how the adults used to put it, anyway. It lead to the family famous example of the Little Kids having to go to bed and Francesca exclaiming (as my brother was walking away), "Nathan! You're not a big kid!" (my brother is shorter for his age). In any case, as our parents moved farther apart and we spent less time together, these get togethers were broken up. We've become closer (maturity does all kinds of wonder to a person) and it's a shame we never did spend the same amount of time together consistantly. I think we'd have kept going a lot of the hobbies we did together, some of us would be different for the better, and we just would have been even closer. But alas - I'll hold. I could go on forever about. It was a fascinating social dynamic (if, of course, you're weird like me and enjoy studying how things work, like social interractions and social standing in a group).

3. When I was rather young, I used to want to be an architect and I'd watch this show about it. I don't, for the life of me, know why. I've never shown the slightest interest since then and never rethought about going into it.

4. I was the most straight-lace of kids, before 6th grade. And I wasn't that impressive in Middle School, either. Meaning, I wouldn't have been able to make heads-or-tails of a sex joke, and I don't think I even knew curse words. I remember saying something about someone playing with themselves in 5th grade, which I was just reciting from what sounded like it made relative sense. The situation didn't even make sense that I used it in, everyone else was just surprised it came from me. Which, of course, is funny if you contrast it to me now. There's little I don't know (heh, and I certainly don't shy away). Ever wonder what people who knew you 8 years ago would think of you now?

5. My humor is rather all over the place. I can love slapstick (so long as done well). Plus I love sexual humor, generally when done intelligently or it can be base as well (laughing with Rachel over descriptions on how to perform oral sex in the Kama Sutra book for a full five minutes comes to mind). Actually, just about any crude humor does well with me.

Contrasting this, my humor can be pretty dry, as well. I'm reminded of the time I'm sleeping in the car and my mom wakes me and tells me we're looking for Liberty Restaurant. I pause for a moment, then ask, "Is it in Boston?" Bad, I know, I know.

Plus I tend to really sarcastic. Caustically so. I'm even suprised when I look back at some of my stuff how biting my sarcasm was (heh, wow, that sounded a bit pretentious). Othertimes, my sarcasm is simply dry, in that it relies wholly on you knowing. For example, were we talking about eating flesh and someone asks is it good for you. My dry sarcasm would be responding back in a completely serious tone, like I mean it, "Yes. It's incredibly good for you." Which basically means you often have to know me to get when I'm being serious or not. My dad always gets irritated with this because I say something odd or weird, not meaning it, and he takes me seriously and gives me a weird look.

6. I used to draw a lot. Nothing award winning, but I used to. I could still make a comic, if I wanted to (I do, from time to time).

7. I love history, but I'm not sure why. I just love the subject, and any thing which impliments bringing back characters, events, etc. repeatedly. I suppose that's why I love the history of Germany and France starting from the founding of Germany to WWII (never told you this story? tsk, I don't know how not; absolute favorite).

8. Much to my parents distaste, I've purposely "dumbed down" anything immediately eye catching or alluring about me (in an example related to the rents, I never comb my hair; heh, mom hates that). I'm not very telling from the outside, and anything remotely interesting about me has to be learned from talking to me or getting to know me better. Hope that's clear enough.

9. I've always wanted a Pug. Pugs are my absolute favorite dog and I want one so bad. Dods has one, and I'm totally jealous. I also want a rodent farm someday. Heh, yes, the joys I will have...

10. I hate anything diet. It leaves the most disrupting after taste. Only if there's nothing else will I permit a can of the stuff. And generally I try to be really thirsty so as to not notice it when I take the first several sips.

I've had this thing since 2005. End of Freshman year, high school. While normally I wouldn't tag that as a long time, seeing that most people have had there since 2007 in general at the latest these days, I guess I could call myself a veteran in some respects (then again, some people switch profile names like mad, for whatever reason).

I love xanga. In fact, that may be the reason why I haven't stopped mine yet. I never needed a reason to keep track of the things I did (though I do think I do now). I think I just stick with it because I like the set up, I like the people - as a social networking thing, I like xanga. It has not (for the most part) started royally pissing me off as Facebook has begun to. And it never sucked as greatly as MySpace did (sorry to those fans out there).

When I first joined xanga, it was basically (as I believe I have said in the past) a bunch of random journals strung together. Mostly rather depressing stuff and the connections seemed a bit more personal, a bit more like this support network. It was, for a bunch of wounded people, a way to isolate yourself, yet connect if need be or it helped. My xanga certainly isn't that publicized. My subscriptions consisted mostly of my friends in actual life (though most of them have forsaken xanga since then).

And now it seems like xanga rarely feels empty. It feels like everyone is present and it's constantly buzzing. Things like Revelife and Datingish and being able to rec. posts have made it much more interactive. Which I'm glad for, I am. Because any social networking service needs users and, as I've said, I do love xanga.

But I can't help but wonder, do there even exist any more (continually updated) privately held xangas? Those xangas which don't have some stupid sign in lock or friend lock on it where it's someone you don't even know, you don't even get an actual name - just their life. A glimpse at a person and, if you pursue it, some other life to get to know.

There are, to some degree. I have some of them subscribed. And it's not like we've suddenly dropped from the internet, after all.

And I think that's what I still like about xanga. We can be as private as we want, whether wrapped in our usernames or in the layout we labored on for whatever rediculous amount of hours. We can still connect to others and shield out everything else.

While the rest of xanga buzzes along. And they can post their comments on whatever topic they wish, and we can wiegh in on the ones that happen to concern us enough (a particularly interesting post I saw today: http://www.lovelyish.com/lovelyish/680456796/ouch-discriminated-for-my-weight.html). Xanga can have it's energy while the ones who originally inhabited xanga, who did stick around when xanga was forced to try their I'm Bringing Xanga Back compaign (even if we updated every month or so), can remain, typing out their lives to whomever may find them interesting.

Maybe it's exactly the way I like my change - make improvements, progress forward, add more - but don't take away the old.

Yeah, I'd call myself a Xangan.

Well, it's been roughly 5 months that I've been single now. My younger self would never believe it possible, but I don't think I've done that since before Freshman year. Actually, I think the most time would probably be 3 months, generally (quite often), 2. And I didn't even start the interest for more than half the girls I've dated. I'll never understand why anyone would meet me and suddenly take interest in me. Yet that's happened...and yes, they generally end out bad (though who am I kidding, nearly all of my relationships end out bad).

So, to remember this depressing dry spell (honestly, when I try not to date, someone comes along; when I could care less, no one sticks out (or stays in contact with me long enough!)) - I'm gonna do a survey. I have never realized how hard these are to find without stealing from a friend. For once, a search engine failed me.

Quick note before, though - Dr. Rick Carter does have an emoticon - D. See the mustache?? This is officially the only one I will ever use.

::FIRST, A LITTLE ABOUT YOURSELF::
Name - PBJ

Gender - gender's perfomative, but socially accepted as male

Age - 18

Birthday - Nov. 22nd

Sign - no clue

Sexual orientation - bisexual

Height - 5'6"

Weight - 156, last I checked. probably has went up since then

Body Type - Umm?

Ethnic Background - Haitian, German, French, Spanish, Scottish, English, Polish
Languages you speak - English, bit of spanish (though I can read it far better than I can write or speak it). My own languages are still taking some time to learn

Religious persuasion - what is that even? Um, Catholic, if I'm guessing right the question

Relationship Status - single, hence why I'm filling you out

If single, are you looking? Or do you not care? What's the dealio? - it's complicated

::OPPOSITE SEX PHYSICAL PREFERENCES:: - you ask orientation, then limit this to the opp. gender??
Hair color - no preference

Hair Style - actually wouldn't care. just about anything has looked fine (then again, I'm not exactly picky). though pigtails have always reminded me of porn; and I've just shattered the hearts of many little children. sorry

Eye Color - doesn't matter. red eyes are cool, though. of course, that also means you have to be albino, but it's a perk, if you ask me

Skin Tone - don't care

Ethnic Background - could care less

Height - doesn't really matter; I've dated girls taller than me, though it seems the shorter one's are always the ones to pursue (with the exception of curly)

Weight - just how shallow do you think I am?

Body Type - beauty is a false face

Fashion Style - generally plain. I'm dreadfully boring, I know, but I think the most attractive outfit is a hoodie and jeans. while I've never dated anyone who needed to constantly wear dresses or anything, wild out there styles are fine as well. it's a good reflection of the personality

Subculture (if you had to choose) - goth, hands down. gothic chicks rule

Do any of these preferences usually apply? not really. they're all very surface level. and not every girl out there is gothic, so that ruins that

::WHAT YOU LOOK FOR PHYSICALLY IN THE OPPOSITE SEX::
Favorite body part to touch? - at the point of a relationship before marriage, hand or back (when holding the individual). I don't have wondering hands, the other does generally (*cough*Emma*cough*)

Favorite body part to look at? - BOOBS. definitely. in fact, if I'm talking to you and you're a girl, I'm probably not even paying attention; just staring at the twins (that was sarcasm, if you couldn't catch it)

Any physical characteristics you find most attractive? - I have this odd thing with hands. and a smile can be a killer. But the hand thing is still superficial and a smile lies a little more on personality.

Any physical characteristics you find unattractive? - not really. people are wonderful, all in all

Are there any accents you like? Dislike? - no, I wouldn't say so, though I'd most prefer a Chicago accent. I like ours the best, I found, when once comparing

Do you like it when they wear nail polish? - no

Do you like it when they wear make up of any kind? - definitely not. people look best naturally; make up does nothing, if you ask me

How do you like them to carry themselves? - however they damn well please

Any mannerism you find attractive or unattractive? - non that I can think of at the moment

::NON-PHYSICAL PREFERENCES:: - finally!
Personality traits you find attractive - gotta have a sense of humor. outgoing can be good, sometimes, but so can being shy and quiet. I confess I'm first pulled to shy people. is intelligence a personality trait? it does influence how someone is a lot. that's deathly important. gotta be smart (as I massacre this with awful grammar). attentive. I like attention - I admit.

Personality traits you find unattractive - lying, rude, back-stabber, hypocritical, ignorant, stubborn, high matenance, uncompromising, ignores, avoids, self-righteous, pretentious, uncaring, vain, self-centered

How important are morals to you? - quite, though that can boil down to care about others. you hurt someone (and don't care), forget me giving you the time of day

Do political views affect how you see them? - not really, considering more than half the girls I've dated were conservative (I'm a liberal bisexual - why were they interested again? Okay, technically Lindsay didn't know beforehand...). your views, in general, will affect me, but unless you're a psycho variety from either the liberal (you know, advocate for repeal of age consent laws or some shit like that) or conservative (think you're a prophet, want to make gays second class citizens, want to conserve old laws like seperate but equal, shit like that) side, we ought to be fine. Honestly, an intelligent and well-leveled conservative will disagree with me most on economic issues - and if we can't talk civilly about that, we may need to worry about our relationship moreso than our politics. Politics is mostly dumb culture war and that's all people know of it - there's really no actual reason to fight

Do you like it or dislike it when they curse frequently? - cursing reminds me that you can still think and don't allow society's views affect your judgement in life. while I will need you to realize saying, "Fuck," around a five-year-old is unacceptable, words are words and should be treated as such

Do they have to share your religious views to be compatible with you? - not at all, though every single one so far has, oddly enough (or relatively enough, at least). Though I might find some qualm if you're a Calvinist. just maybe

[This -or- That]
Good girl/boy -or- Bad girl/boy? - can I pick moderate?

Rocker -or- Hip Hopper? - I'd love someone who's into hip hop, just because I find so little, but I love rock with a passion as well, so that's fine. however, if they're into rock, they better be cool with metal. the only metal I can excuse would be death metal (just because you can't understand a word of it anyway and it's way to sporadic)

Dog person -or- Cat person? - either is cool. I love both

Liberal -or- Conservative? - preferably liberal, but economically conservative is fine as well. libertarians rock

Disciplined -or- Free spirited? - mix of both. there's a time for everything

Safe -or- Dangerous? - I value my life (heh, well, usually...)

Completely laid back and calm -or- Hyper and flamboyant? - oy. I do have a history of hyper ex's. though I suppose I'd need both. I opperate in extremes, which means either insanely out there (and taking nothing I say seriously) to quite serious, sober, and melancholy. eh, 'tis me

Virgin -or- Experienced? - I really wouldn't care how many they've had sex with in the past, but they'd have to understand I plan on staying a virgin until marriage. however, if they are quite experienced, getting tested may be required

Rational -or- Emotional? - rational, please

Very shy -or- Very outgoing? - answered above

Introverted -or- Extroverted? - introverted in that they ought to be reflective. people are the most complex of things - know yourself. extroverted in that I hate being shut out. keep in connection with me, let me in. I don't want to feel like I'm up against this wall peering through a hole

A creature of habit -or- Unpredictable? - probably habit. it would depend, I suppose.

A hopless romantic -or- A horndog? - what the Hell's a horndog? romantic, please. otherwise it'll be weird when I'm rediculous with the gifts and whatnot... D

Simple and boring -or- Complicated yet intriguing? - isn't that phrased a bit biasedly? complicated. I need someone complex

Innocent and naive -or- Wise and knowledgable? - they ought to be knowledgable in what they know. Know lots and tons. Knowledge has never hurt anyone - only the lack of it has. however, they should probably be innocent and naïve in what they've done in their life

Hot -or- Cute? - cute. based more on personality

Ugly and totally compatible -or- Gorgeous and completely obnoxious? - Can I get an Ugly for a Success Relationship?

Proper and polite -or- Rough around the edges? - depends. Fighting Sorina over the cheesecake and stuffing our faces was total fun and definitely a turn on on her part, even though it was totally not etiquette. however, you've gotta be polite to people and give them curtiosy.

Intense and passionate -or- Sweet and reserved? - um, geez, gotta be passionate somewhere, I guess. the intense though is a little frightening, while the sweet definitely catches the eye. Sweet and passionate?

Outspoken and highly opinionated -or- Happy-go-lucky pacifist? - I guess the first one

Smooth and sexy -or- Adorable and awkward? - adorable and awkward. awkward girls are so cute, plus they make you feel more comfortable about being yourself around them. and it's different because usually people say be normal, you'll fit in, etc. So it's like defying the status quo by being yourself

::YOUR VIEWS ON DATING/RELATIONSHIPS::
What is dating by your defintion? - a mutual agreement of entering a relationship higher than friendship by two (or I guess more, for those "breaking boundaries" types) people

What is a relationship by your defintion? - I dunno. a statement that defines a connection between two people. acquantances, friends, family, partners, even fuck buddies - all relationships

Can you date more than one person at a time? - others may choose to. me, I'm monogamous and will expect from the gf/bf the same as well

Can you have a relationship with more than one person at a time? - according to my definition, we all are

What constitutes cheating? - while I don't approve of looking at (or checking out) other people during a relationship, I suppose I still wouldn't consider it cheating. however, flirting, making out, starting another relationship at the same time - all no

Is cheating ever justifiable? - not really. I probably won't hate you forever, so long as you apoligize. but it might be harder to trust you

Would you get back with someone who cheated on you? - depends. see above

Would you expect to be taken back if you cheated on someone? - not at all

Kissing on the first date: Acceptable? - considering I kissed both Allison and Emma before the first date, I'd say so. not to mention, I kissed Chelsea before we even started dating

How about sex on the first date? - if you want to go home and masterbate to the wonderful memories I've given you that night, go right ahead. But abstinance for me (I think that's the first funny thing I've said this whole thing. what a shame)

One night stands? - HA (and no, that doesn't stand for Acid)

Sex outside of marriage in general: Acceptable or Not? - again, don't care about your past. but during the relationship, nope

Would you sleep with a gf/bf? - you haven't gotten this one yet, have you?

Would you sleep with just a friend? - no. that'd make things so awkward, because, as much as sex is utterly unrelated to love, people still put attachment to it (we have society to blame for that)

Would you kiss just a friend? - it wouldn't mean anything if I did, but no. I have not had problems with other friends kissing me, though (however, if you do it on the lips, I'm gonna have to wonder if you're coming on to me)

Would you do anything sexual at all with just a friend? - wasn't this asked before? well, if you consider making out sexual, then I guess yes, but that probably means I like them and want to go out with them (you'd think that'd be obvious)

What are your sexual boundaries? - nothing past first base

What do you consider a perfect first date? - I dunno. the date has to be there. but otherwise, we could do just about anything, I'd be fine. movie, walk. I still have yet to do that cook something together idea, so that'd probably be the next date I do with someone

What could your crush/bf/gf do to make you jealous? - heh, not much, probably. I actually get jealous really easily, but usually over small rediculous things. and I know they're rediculous. but yeah, just me

Guys: Would you always call her first? - eh. heh, any of my ex's can attest I don't make the first move often, unless I know by some means I can and things won't get weird or you won't mind it. but I generally suck at keeping up conversations, unless in person (and even then sometimes...), so better be ready to talk a lot. with Lindsay and jess, I'd just listen to them talk to themselves; I'm not at all hard to please, clearly. okay, maybe a bit

Girls: Would you get upset if he rarely/never called? - This and the last question are so sexist

What could a gf/bf do to make you feel insecure about your relationship? - avoid me, be unresponsive to stuff I do (like, I make a joke and you look like you weren't even paying attention; I do hope I'm not that boring). but I panik over little things too (granted, largely because my 1st to 5th gfs thought it wise, for whatever reason, to dance around anything rather than be straightforward with it. missed a date? break up's on the way)

Would you let your bf/gf be as free as they wanted to be? - what does that mean?

What would you do if you became/got your gf pregnant? - wouldn't ever happen

Relationships are 50/50: True or False? - absolutely

Once a cheater always a cheater: True or False? - naw

How do you know you like someone? - I dunno, you just know. generally you can't stop thinking about them, a lot. and you kinda jump when you hear their name (or think you do) or see them or their screen name comes up (sounds corny, but, hey, we really do live in the online age)

How do you know you LOVE someone? - geez...you just know, really. I mean, I only have one example, and I dunno. I just knew with her. with jess - I dunno. just knew

What is romantic love by your definition? - um...I dunno. romance. I dunno

Do you like people easily? - like? if crush qualifies, yes. if like as in long period of time, I'd say no, I guess. moderate there

Do you fall in love easily? - HA. I'm much too picky

How do you know your feelings are no longer there? - there's just nothing. you don't feel like seeing them, don't get excited anymore. it's a depressing point. stop making me think of it

What's the hardest part about a break up? - the other person's reactions. granted, the two times I've had to do it (heh, yes, I suck that much at dating), they were both kinda rediculous and the situations they were in just made me feel like an ass

Do you stop liking/fall out of love easily? - liking, as in crushes, yes. long term liking, not so much. depends on the person, really

Is there a difference between liking and crushing on someone? - yes. crush is kinda, "They might be interesting. I like the personality so far". Liking can consist of crushing but also you know them better and want to go out with them more strongly (or are just flat out interested in them)

How do you differenciate between liking and crushing? - see above

::CURRENTLY::
Like someone? - it's complicated

Crushing on someone? - not at the moment. there were some brief ones at the begining of the year

In love with someone? - not anymore. heh, feels so long ago

Dating around? - psh, I wish

Looking for someone? - it's fucking complicated

How relevant dating/relationships are to your life right now: ehh

And that took me an hour. Wow. D (okay, I just wanted to use it once more)

Honestly, if I didn't procrastinate so much, I'd totally be perfect with staying on top of things. I always have it all planned out; time's well spent. But then I get major distracted....

I would have drenched you in melancholy and mourning, but I always seem to rub feathers when I do that, so my artistic mindset shall be put on hold. So I leave all with advice.

Just do something with your life. Anything, so long as it helps the world. Think, create, inspire - anything. Just don't waste it all. You all have potential. Why be less than your best.

Hmm, I think I was in 8th grade. I was doing what I did in 8th grade - lost in my own world lest someone else intruded. So suddenly my name is mentioned. I don't think I caught the entire sentence; if I remember correctly, I just caught (jokingly said), "I swear, I have no friends. Except for Jon. You're my friend, right Jon?" I don't even remember us having any particular previous interactions before this. We must have, right? Perhaps it was, in that way that early school (or maybe my particular middle school) framed social interactions, simply that familiarity amongst your peers; we had been in the same hall for 3 years, after all. Why shouldn't we consider each other friends? And while probably nothing to her, she had included me for that brief moment (during a time that I often felt excluded by most of my classmates). We didn't talk a great deal more (really, a shame), though the proximity of our seating arrangements (she sat behind me) helped us not drift back into silence. Having recognized that she recognized me, I made an effort to talk to her more; I recall, after having given a speech (I hated public speaking), I immediately deferred to her - once I made it back to my seat - as to whether I did well. I suppose the real significance of those events is that, though I didn't realize it then, she was one of the first people I ever started to lean on, friend-wise: admitting that I was worried about how I did, just bothering to speak first to her (I was always on edge, in those days, that the person would respond as if talking to me was a burden; some did) - these are weaknesses that can be exploited, even by simply just rejecting the sincerity of them. I can still remember her clearly - even the name. Andrea. As much as we constantly say it, we never seem to remember it: the littlest things can mean a lot. Even if nothing special, even to the person receiving it - it can still be relevant. Humans are amazing - when they're not being assholes.

I've done my best to live the right way
I get up every morning and go to work each day
But your eyes go blind and your blood runs cold
Sometimes I feel so weak I just wanna explode
Explode, and tear this whole town apart
Take a knife and cut this pain from my heart
Find somebody iching for something to start

Well, the dogs on Main Street howl, 'cause they understand
If I could reach one moment into my hand
Mister, I ain't a boy - no, I'm a man
And I believe in the promised land

-Bruce Springsteen

Lord, if there is an artist that can reach me and state me better than Bruce Springsteen, find him/her.

The crazed pacing
With racing placement
Of a pulsing amazement
That this time may hold attainment
Is a rare occation
When you've forsaken placing
Yourself in the line of venture
Yet the stubs are entered
You deftly laugh despite the uncertain pressure
Yet know indefintely that
Any quip she mentions
Will attain such frank attention
Your wish for a current pention
Is suspended - ended?
Well, at least for this present session
Pretention suspended
Too nervous anyway for the mask to question
Every aspect of this willed convention
Still concerned that initial intentions
Will change in less time than the last impression

I want to say my best lyricism to date, but who knows. We'll say I had a muse.

This is for the ones that have a notion
A notion deep inside
That it ain't no sin to be glad you're alive
I wanna find one face that ain't looking through me
I wanna find one place, I wanna spit in the face of these

Badlands...

-Bruce Springsteen