"He definitely was bipolar and had mood swings but then these men were all human beings with problems and flaws."

I happened to notice this statement somewhere on YouTube (surprise, surprise). Would anyone like to explain to me how being bipolar is seemingly a "problem and flaw" that must be justified? Humanity never ceases to amaze me.

I believe another archaic word is in order and long overdue.

Luculent [loo-kyoo-luhnt]
-adjective

1. clear or lucid: a luculent explanation.
2. convincing; cogent.

Origin:
1375-1425

Life can be just entirely acherontic, at times; I'm drawn to think that, usually, it's because it refuses to stay luculent. Sure, I've had the idea gainsaid before, but I think it's a deep-rooted fear we have to oppose the unknown ere we have the chance to know it. Life would surely be more luculent if we didn't ignore the fact it is unclear to begin with. You would think, in the spirit of knowledge, that more would deign the topic; mauger the plain logic I've just laid out, I have yet to find willing participants to help in aiding the end of my agony.

So, for one of my courses, we have to read colonial literature. And, in one of the books we're reading, "maugre" was used, and I didn't have to check the footnote to understand what it means. I flipped a shit, no lie.

I have come to the conclusion that one useless man...is called a disgrace, that two are called a law firm, and that three, or more, become a CONgress! And, by God, I have had this congress!

Benjamin Franklin: Please, Mr. Dickingson, are we to start banging? How is a man to sleep?
*Congress laughs*
John Dickinson: Forgive me, Dr. Franklin, but must you start speaking? How is a man to stay awake?
*more laughter*
Dickinson: We'll promise to be quiet, sir. I'm sure everyone prefers that you remain asleep.
Franklin: If I am to hear myself called an Englishman, sir, I assure you I prefer I remain asleep.
Dickinson: Ohh, now what's so terrible about being called an Englishman? The English don't seem to mind.
Franklin: Nor would I - were I given the full rights of an Englishman! But to call me one without those rights is like calling an ox a bull: he's thankful for the honor, but he'd much rather have restored what's rightfully his.
*Congress uproariously laughs; Franklin smiles pleasantly at Dickingson*
Dickinson: ...When did you first notice they were missing, sir?
*Congress laughs again and slightly jeers; Franklin laughs as well at the good play by Dickingson*
Dickinson: Fortunately, the people of these colonies maintain a higher regard for their mother country.
Franklin: Higher certainly than she feels for them. *gets up and starts walking towards Dickingson* Never was such a valuable possession so stupidly and so recklessly managed than this entire continent by the British crown: our industry discouraged, our resources pillaged - worst of all, our very character stifled.
We've spawned a new race here, Mr. Dickingson - rougher, simpler, more violent, more enterprizing, less refined. We're a new nationality; we require a new nation.

cleangene17 (1:38:35 AM): I can never tell if you're awake or not?  Well, our money situation has gotten so bad that I have been asked to request that you send us a care package. 

Ummm, thanks?

I think I need an update on my consistant-huge-entry-that-compiles-all-of-which-defines-me. Right now, however, I need to finish homework and then actually hit bed. Maybe tomorrow I can actually do an entry that says something about what I've actually done during my day. You know, like a normal journal.

Until then, from the first of August from this year:

I've been trying since yesterday to think of something to say, but I don't know what I want to or even, say, "need" to.

I'm just at a point where I want someone here with me and our dual presense can be the answer to every question that may, will, or is plaguing me (most of those falling in the "I have no clue what they are" category).

Maybe the "answer" is temporary, or isn't really the answer at all. But it's nice and what I want for a while.

That's always seemed so ridiculous to me, that people would want to be around someone because they're pretty. It's like picking your breakfast cereal based on color instead of taste.
-John Green, Paper Towns
Thank you, Rachael

I don't know how I got here, but my emotions just took the plunge. I'm jittery, un-Godfully lonely, depressed, tired, anxious and restless, and still have homework.

Fuck, I feel awful...

Well, if I haven't said so already, my fantastic cousin is attending college with me this year. An incoming Freshman, this will be the most I've ever seen her in a year since the day she was born.

Of course, the past few days, I've had her come help me with a couple of things. She's great to talk to. The family tends to think we're twins; while we do have a good deal in common (both open-minded thinkers, very similar opinions on religion, both have a fantastic guilt complex, both compationate, both have very gothic interests (though she refuses to consider herself a goth)), there are distinct differences between us. She's far more upbeat than I am, though she has her moments (of course, I don't think that she has depression, and that can make a sizable difference). She seems to like Gossip Girl; excuse me while I gag in the back of my thro- I mean, to each their own. D} The one thing I had noticed yesterday, though, was that she seems far more fluent socially than I am.

Me, when in a situation I'm not familiar with, tend to widthdraw into myself. Already with a soft voice, I don't say much during large conversations with people I'm not very, very familiar with. When someone I know is having a conversation with someone else I don't know, I wait until addressed at all before talking.

She, it seems, has none of these issues. She simply started talking to other friends I have. And it seems most of her Entry already knows her and is friendly with her.

Now, mental fear is far more difficult to break than it would seem (it literally can utterly paralyze you at times) so these social difficulties are not as seemingly easy as you might assume. But they explain why I was quite distant from my Entry all of my Freshman year, awkward with my roommate, and left with a feeling of not many friends by the end of Freshman year.

Which I don't mind, I should note. It actually means I'm probably right on schedule. I made very little friends other than a few upperclassmen my Freshman year of high school (the same happened for college, but with more friends from my year, which is surprising). Sophomore year, I swear half of the Freshman class accepted me in and enthusiastically became friends with me (I'll never understand why it happened, but I thank you utterly, class of '09). Something similar is likely to happen this year. Probably not to the same extent but I've been handed similar luck - my cousin is likely to allow me to get to know a lot more people, most being (surprise, surprise) a year younger than me.

It's interesting, I think. We'll see where life goes.

I'm kinda listless about it, to be brutally honest. Ah, but what else is new, right?

Kinda weird thinking I'm going back in a matter of 5 or so days. It'll be an interesting year, I'm sure (largely due to the five classes I'll have). In theory, I'll have gotten a better placing this year (socially and otherwise). Of course, it wasn't really until Junior year of high school that I got myself pretty settled. Some things just take time, with which I'm fine with. There's a slew of things on campus I'm involved with that I can't wait to dive into again.

I've got a single room this year, so no roommate to have to manage. Plus, my previous no-window, small room got switched for a senior single. Which is nice.

We'll see how it goes.

Tomorrow I'm going to stop by the old high school GSA for the last time. It's somewhat astounding how far it's come. Yeah, yeah, I know, I've talked about this a million times. Suppose it's a final goodbye to everyone, as well. I need to do a bit of packing next week - joys....

It's really been an uneventful day. I stayed up far too late wanting to watch A.I.: Artificial Intelligence but YouTube were taking far too long to load. Maybe tomorrow.

After waking up, me and my brother watched Mary Poppins and The Great Mouse Detective (fantastic movie). I love doing things with just my brother, because often enough what we enjoy we agree on. Mary Poppins has never been more amusing. Too many moments where we just looked toward each other and burst out laughing.

Why must be looking for scholarships be so difficult?

In unrelated news, I actually watched The House Bunny today. I wouldn't've been so disappointed (or disappointed at all - I had the stupid thing pegged before I watched it) if it hadn't somehow convinced me it had some merit to it at at the beginning of the film.

If you haven't seen the movie yet, I'll give a quick rundown. We're informed by the main star in a quick 5 minutes at the beginning of the movie that she was pretty much an outcast and loner when she was younger. Then she got older and was seen to be pretty. Not very smart to begin with, she opts to use her looks to her advantage. So, she does as any other girl would naturally do in this situation - she joins Playboy to live in the Playboy mansion.

The beginning seemed like fantastical satire, even during the entirety of the Playboy mansion scenes. As the girls danced around in what seems to be some sort of fantasy for some people (hey, if girls in "rabbit suits" smacking each other's behinds is what gets you off - and you find a consenting adult to participate - I'm not one to protest), you couldn't help but feel the movie was highlighting something. As the main character put it when she expresses she one day wants to be a centerfold (paraphrased), "The centerfold is one of the most prestige awards a person can get. It's like saying, 'I'm naked and featured in a magazine.'" Hard to argue with that.

As part of a cruel plan from another house member, she receives a fake letter that says she must leave the Playboy mansion.

Somehow, she happens upon a college and wants to become a sorority mother; and happens to choose the most unpopular one she can come across (for a rather shortened version and sum up).

Now, I admit, while not stellar, I enjoyed the humor thus far. After all, I wasn't exactly expecting hard-hitting, groundbreaking material from this movie to begin with.

And the sorority members gave a really distinct and utterly fun new set of characters. There was the leader, the geek of the group (it was rather fantastic to watch her go on about Battlestar Galactica and to have her list ideas for the sorority such as B.Y.O.M - Bring Your Own Mouse...much to others confusion). There was a girl who had to wear, basically, a full body brace all the time. Another girl who had an incredibly deep voice and walked around all the time hunched over. One of my favorites, one with a ton of facial piercings and a totally feminist view point (a great line was when she hoses a guy in the face who was drooling over some girls and remarks, "Just washing the testosterone away"). And the other memorable one that comes to mind is a girl who never talks, and mostly hides most of the movie. During the big scene where she does, one of them remarks, "Wait....you're British??"

As you might expect for the plot, the "House Bunny" changes all of them and, at the end, they figure out they've lost their personalities and who they were.

Except one thing...they all still seem to dress rather nicely, the feminist one going as far as to not to bother to put back all the piercings in her face and, even, keep her hair dyed and wear a bit of makeup.

Now, now - before we go any further: I have no issue with maybe the character fitting this new mold instead of the previous one. In trying to break societal expectations, we don't necessarily need to defy society's idea of normal. In fact, any time you choose to define yourself by defying something else, you defeat the purpose and/or have no further purpose (with a few concrete and specific exceptions, of course).

However...is it so impossible to finally have a character which destroys what we expect from a person and not force him/her back into this preconceived mold by society?

In all honesty, while The Breakfast Club didn't really seem to be all that special or different from most teen movies of similar material, I can never really forgive it for it's treatment of Allison.

Labeled the "freak" in the movie, she's by far the most out there of the characters. By the end of the movie, we get this:

Some may disagree with me, but they robbed the character of the person.

Again, don't get me wrong - my issue is not that they've now made her exactly what society expects of her. It's that there is rarely a strong, wholesome character displayed in media who is normalized while not trivializing (nor getting rid of entirely) their interests and who they are.

In the end, just be who you are. If you happen to be a blond who happens to be in cheerleading and only dates football players and you do that because that's just what feels most normal to you - then do it. But do not suddenly stunt your intelligence and mistreat others because that's what's accepted of you. Be who you want to be, regardless of what society tells you to be (notable exceptions to the rule (obvious stuff) are being purposely stupid, being immoral, etc.).

My favorite scene from The Breakfast Club, admittedly, is a scene during the detention, where all the students are bored. And, so, Allison decides to shake dandruff from her hair onto the table in front of her. Once she finished making it snow for a little bit, she looks down in complete joyful wonder at the site, with an almost childlike entertainment; completely unaware of anyone else's gaze or judging.

While, ultimately, The House Bunny seemed like it might offer some substance of interest, the saddest part of the movie was simply that it offered so many decent (if stunted) good moments and, to an extent, message while not bothering to check or care if they mashed completely with its formulaic plot and message.

The part I can't seem to get from my head is when, emotionally moved, the main character says something along the lines of, "That just makes my heart fall out of my head." The feminist retorts, "Do you realize how utterly stupid you sound when you say that?"

And, while not really marked (as I remember it) as a special or epiphany-like moment, she simply states, "I know that my heart doesn't reside in my head; but I do know that when you're following a logical plan, it won't work still unless you put your heart into it." Again, paraphrased - and more effective when done by the actress. But it really just gets it across that just because a person isn't articulate or smart in the most traditional of senses, that doesn't mean they aren't smart, aware, and just as deserving of respect. And maybe it wasn't the best way to demonstrate that point and they should've applied that sentiment to the character for a larger portion of the movie.

But maybe it's so striking because that level of maturity and insight from this type of movie is so utterly unexpected.

I feel like I should give you all an update of some sort, but I have none. Nothing entirely interesting, at least. Yet there's been stuff happening the past few days. I'm mostly stuck between stuff. I need to tie up loose projects.

Went to the dentist today. This was followed by an unexpected trip to Evanston Park and the beach by Northwestern. It was quite enjoyable. This train of thought may converge into another post, btw, later.

Not much really to say. Other than the heat for a few points, the weather was fantastic (shifting from gray, overcast to sunny depending on the time of day). I think I'd go crazy without anything other than Illinois weather. We're just so temperate all the time. Though when we do want to go extreme - watch out; the weather then goes all out (Chicago winters FTW!).

Yeah....

Time to tag on random song again. I've just had this stuck in my head the past couple days. It's astounding.

[edit] I just rememered something I had thought of earlier today. I could've saved it for later, but I suppose it fits here. I remember when I was younger, I never knew what the future would be like. I didn't really think that far ahead or I thought it'd be the same as things currently were - unstable and, for the most part, rather dismal. I lacked severe self-awareness when I was younger. I couldn't say it was really happy or sad, just that it was more depressing most of the time. What I couldn't have fathamed was that I'd end up being somewhere I wanted to be and utterly sure of that. I don't know if things are ideal and, if they are, who can say they'll stay that way? But I'm happy. And I'm sure of who I am. And I have at least two people who would support me through life and death and Hell and all the way back. And, to be honest, I wasn't even aware that would one day be possible. GMH

I've decided that it is quite important to conduct a trip dedicated to visiting places related to gay history with a relatively small group of voluntary people in my relative age range who have a interest in sexuality and are majoridly non-heterosexual (this largely, though not entirely, because I can't imagine finding a huge group of heterosexuals who would be direly interested in this sort of trip; I certainly wouldn't dream of turning any one away, of course).

The reason for this trip? Well, little more complicated than the simple line answer I'd like to give. Part of it is I know the disassociation from identity that growing up gay, etc. in this type of society a person can acquire. And identity means the difference between being un-phased by someone using faggot as a threat to someone else around you and then actually deciding that your rights ought to be faught for and you deserve to be equal. And you never really realize just how much of a difference a personal association and connection to your sexuality can really make. That would be a huge aspect of the trip, to restore a sense of history to a community which still isolates its youth beyond partying, clubbing, and pop references (as if those things have anything specific to do with being gay, but I'll avoid descending into a rant).

Also is the immense ignorance of history that many gay youth have; I'd slightly forgotten this over the past year with the time away from the high school GSA that I've had and my own inclusion in the QSU on campus and my keeping up with gay news outlets. Most have no concrete idea what the Kinsey Scale is (or who the Hell Alfred Kinsey was), much less are even out of the closet.

Finally, the simple time taken to hang out with a group of old friends (and any others I can get to come with) in a setting where everyone, even those not out yet to most anyone, can feel safe with their own sexuality.

Of course, the trip won't be strictly limited to just these sites. We'll visit the surrounding areas if they strike a person's interest, though such diversions won't be often. Some will be necessary. For example, the visit of the Holocaust memorial in Berlin focusing on gays persecuted during the Nazi regime will certainly include (and may be visited after) the memorial dedicated to the Holocaust persecution of the Jews (in part because the former imitates the latter and because the two are quite connected and the attack towards other minorities is a very important lesson for them to learn).

The trip will not only cover the USA. Not only that the spot of Stonewall must be visited, (as I noted above) the Holocaust museums in Berlin will be visited. I want to see if any spots dedicated to the progressive and leading stance Weimar Germany held as a gay haven and educational center are around. I know there are other places I saw I want to see but I have to do a bit more research.

Now, of course, this trip won't be easy. Particularly if I want to jump around countries. Parents can be protective. And then there's the whole thing about taking their kids to learn about gay history.... But I really want to see if I could do this. It'd be a blast and be important to be done. We'll see. Would have to be next year (or later), anyway.

Anyone else have suggested places?