People'Ive'Dated

  • I finally decided to check out Jay-Z's performance at Glastonbury yesterday. It's pretty good. A few pop singles in there, but a good deal of them were rather good. He had some live instrumentation and when Public Service Announcement came on, you knew hip hop was there (that song is just great).

    As I was reading through the comments, one person commented that (given the concert is held in England) it was just more "Americana", the same old sound over and over again. Which made me laugh like no other. Jay has one of the most distinctive sounds and flows in the entire game. Same old? If it weren't for Jay and a slew of other "Americana" rappers, rap wouldn't have the styles and techniques open to it today that it does. I mean, there's just certain things which you have to know if you even want to talk about rap. Biggie demonstrated how far flow could really go, Eminem and Big Pun essencially broke the rhyme scheme limit a thousand times over, and a good deal of rappers showed the literary capabilities of the genre. I mean, without American 90s rap, you don't have the progress in skills that have been demonstrated for others anymore. Not to say it's refined to that era or that there aren't talented artist showing capability in other countries. But, honestly, show some respect. You look ignorant when you're unaware of your past.

    Well, seems my hope to see you soon Lizzie is going a little contrary to plan. Miss you though.

  • Wamm K D (10:15:49 PM): alright.  last part is the same problem I've been complaining about the last 2 entries - settling things out in my mind and making sense of everything. that's all
    Skibeatle2 (10:16:04 PM): just smile
    Skibeatle2 (10:16:09 PM): it feels easier
    Wamm K D (10:16:21 PM): heh, yeah...but what does it solve?
    Skibeatle2 (10:16:29 PM): it doesn't
    Skibeatle2 (10:16:33 PM): but it buys you time
    Skibeatle2 went mobile at 10:16:37 PM.
    IMs will be sent to your buddy's mobile device as text messages. Learn more about Mobile IM.
    Wamm K D (10:16:57 PM): hmm, but that time is used at some point, no?
    Skibeatle2 (10:17:36 PM): I  guess
    Wamm K D (10:22:20 PM): you know the most interesting aspects 'bout you? forgive me for getting all introspective here. in my nature (that can take blame...)
    Skibeatle2 (10:34:37 PM): What  are  they
    Wamm K D (10:36:33 PM): everything beyond that smile. and forgive me if I sound too forward or judgemental in this. I don't mean to be.
    Wamm K D (10:36:49 PM): but you are one of the most complex and deep people I've ever encountered
    Wamm K D (10:37:13 PM): and there is a lot to you which, I would argue, is interesting and intriguing
    Wamm K D (10:37:38 PM): anyone who gets to see that is getting to know someone worth knowing, in my argument

    Alright, alright! Haha, clearly I was failing miserably at getting over you anyway...

  • One of the drawbacks of having a penis: when you're swinging on a swing set, it's like constantly crushing a piece of your body the entire time. So then you try to shift it, you know, so you don't flatten the poor thing. But then it's laying on top of your leg; and it's not like there isn't enough heat they're being subjected to with the stupid seat of the swing crushing your thighs together. By the end, you're stuck wishing you could simply detach and reattach your reproductive order whenever you wish. That would be sweet. And very difficult.

    I honestly do have to wonder how I end up with so large a group of the female sex for friends. For this time period, you'd think otherwise.

    Which reminds me of Sophomore year, as a Freshman Lilia openly adjusted her bra and, I think, complained about her period. Oddly enough, she decides to remark that she really shouldn't be telling me this stuff later. To which I must react - why? Like I don't know you're wearing a bra. Or that you have a period. It's like we give such minuscule stuff a feeling that we shouldn't be talking or sharing it. One of my favorite things about the Ancient Greeks was their public bathrooms.

    Just a slew of connected toilets with no walls between them. And they just sat their and, as they did their universal business, discussed whatever a normal conversation would cover. Fantastic! No worries about embarrassment over non-embarressing stuff. But really, the more pressing and important question of this matter was why I didn't try to do more with a girl so open about her bra. The possibilities were probably endless. But, for another day.

    However, the topic does bring us to another topic. Ever been somewhere with your parents and there's a group that's somewhere near in the social setting? And, of course, mom or dad mentions something like, "Can't those kids sit still?" or "Why are they so loud?" And, of course, you can't help but think both statements are ridiculous. But, more so, it goes back to that basic tenement of whatever pleases and makes you happy to a tee isn't necessarily what you ought to expect. There are others in this world. Actually think of them (father dearest, start taking notes). I guess when people act out, or against what's "publically/socially acceptable", I always want to object, "So?" If someone's happy - cherish that. For the sake of God, cherish that. For a world stricken by lies, two-faced...ness, cheating, depression, lack of proper self-esteem, betrayal, physical parental abuse - and the many, many et cetera, this person is happy. Geez, let them have that! I honestly think, if you don't just live at least once in your life - what's the point? Take a risk, make a fool of yourself, cuss pointlessly, sing to yourself in public (I apparently wasn't loud enough to get odd glances at the park today), play the penis game in a public sphere, just do something that reminds others how badly we construct expectations that have no real (logically held-up) reason for being followed. So, okay, yeah, they're being loud and disrupting others just a bit. They're also 14. And have more screwed up domestic issues than you want to sift through. Let 'em be...not like they're harming anyone or being immoral. Let them have the moment.

    I rediscovered why I loved Metallica again today. I dunno if it's just because I grew up to it, am just used to it, or whatever, but I love the full sound of an electric guitar. Amazing instrument.

    Yeah...trust I seek
        and I find in you
    Everyday for us something new...
    Open mind for a different view
    And nothing else matters
    (-Metallica)

    There was some seemingly unrealated rant I was going to go with that...Sabbath, anyone?

    I wonder if I have to serve Sunday Mass this week. Probably. I usually do. Williams' Secular Community party on Saturday. Plus all my homework. And Work. Should be fun....

    Hmm, yeah...totally can't think of what else I was going to say. Which is odd, because I could've sworn...huh. Definitely one of my more...free-form flowing thought...like entries. I'm usually not this flitty. Random topics FTW, I suppose.

    Oh, do you believe in Rock 'n' Roll?
    Can music save your immortal soul?
    And can you teach me how to dance...real slow?
    -Don McLean

    Heh, I'm such a product of the suburbs...

  • I suppose I'm doing this largely to make up for my shameless advertising of my last two posts for credits (I figure I ought to try premium out at least once; I can't imagine it has much I'd actually miss, though). So, one of my favorite topics to talk about - depression.

    If you didn't know, you now will know I have clinical depression. While never diagnosed by a doctor, you can only become down so many times before you question whether your failed attempts at trying may be failing for a reason. Chemically based, by my judgement.

    Now, everyone has their opinions of it. Not everyone has the same type. The thing that has always scared me was knowing someone out there has it worse than me. I hope they, at least, have the sense to see a doctor about it.

    Now, understand, I've kinda assumed I always was, to some extent, influenced by this. Even if it wasn't there at a young age, I drew a pleasure at the sad things in life, melancholy. This is crucial. Probably largely due to the depression, I have a deep love for the perverse and (to be utterly generic) depressing.

    This being said, I can't say I've always loved depression wholeheartedly. It's had it's terrifying moments. Thus far (though I believe I've moved past this entirely by now) I've had 4 major "dips", starting at Freshman year and ending either during Junior year or the end of Sophomore year (what I've confusedly - and before I had a full understanding of what I was going through - referred to as Depressions).

    My first Depression was mostly just a new experience. Lots of crying, lethargic, not wanting to do anything. I don't remember it as being that bad, for whatever reason. Bad, sure, and bordering on not functional. Yet a bit of crying and laziness isn't all that bad a thing to endure, particularly for a short period of time.

    They kinda just got worse as they went along until the climax, my fourth one. I almost forgot just how bad that one was. Picture this: den of the house, doors are closed, parents are doing whatever and sure son is working on homework, son is in the corner - homework is on the desk - and trying to sob uncontrollably but only able to break into short bursts of tears before falling into the habit of regaining control. You don't even want to know what that's mentally like. Cliché? Sure, but it was true. I mean, the mental ability just goes to Hell and you're so badly exuding the feeling of misery that you can't even manage thinking of how to do simple tasks. In retrospect, this screams "bad, nonfunctional situation" but what's one to do when they don't know better (or can't really tell a financially struggling family that has no empathy bone in their body)? And it's definitely one of the few times I was scared for my life because I actually didn't know if I would actually commit suicide or not (as apposed to just constantly thinking about and wanting death, though knowing you'd never do it).

    All that being said - I have to confess, I love aspects of depression.
    z84546672
    The morbidity it provides is riveting. I mean, there's just something fucking beautiful about searing sarcasm, the dark, the twisted (which can lend to the idea of insanity - Dark Knight, anyone (there's a reason I love Batman)?), and, most of all, something movingly emotional in the breaking or hurt of a person. We're most stunning when we're fragile - which, of course, is ironic. Because we like confidence, certainly. Yet there's something moving in our open rareness. Seen The Wrestler? His very being is moving in his emotion. There's something stunning by so big a figure and clearly hardened one that just cries. I admit, this was the largest reason I went to see the movie (plus my boyfriend at the time was paying...).
    z12605376
    While I have a deep love for nature, I can't forget the city. I love infrastructure, though the combination of the two is utter heaven. And yet, just the city alone is enticing. The steel, the bareness, almost, of it. The dark, the cramped place, the feeling of being closed in.
    1fa79e96348d55cf32381c01a0ab52b1
    (okay, not technically city, but the idea of manmade structures)

    And yet, that picture brings us exactly to the point. It's not all I'm looking at.
    z59383892
    Particularly for a picture such as this one, I can't help but get excited - but in the sense of this is the beginning of a novel. This is the setting - now what?
    Photobucket
    So, the logical ending is happy, right? If this isn't the desire, but only the start - the end must be happy. And, in the question of life, I don't think anyone doesn't want a happy ending. But...I don't want to let go of the sad. In the right doses and the right parts - I like the sad.

    My planned out book deals entirely with depression, actually. Its very layout mirrors the mind set of the (at least myself) depressed. It's something that permeates your entire being, really. It becomes an identity for you, to an extent.

    But this identity slowly kills you everyday, makes you a pessimist, and (often) makes you quite suicidal. I've always been fond of saying, if not for the whole suicidal part and never being able to ever get rid of it, I'd make sure everyone goes through depression once because it opens your eyes to so much and creates an appreciation you won't find in many other places. Needless to say - this isn't healthy.
    nxlu7n_th
    So Emo, but it makes the truth of it all that more alarming. And I think that's the balance we're always trying to find - how do I enjoy living with what I have?

    My argument would be finding things which make you happy. Maybe it's just my depression leveling out to being controllable but I just see it as needing something to equal out the depression. Of course, that brings the question that if you had something for that long, would you just get bored of it and want to move on. I always used to (still do, from time to time) wonder if I could actually be happy with anything - and not get tired of it, wear it out, and just stay satisfied.

    Well, guess I have to. What other option? Well, there is one, but I closed the idea long ago. It seems we see the world. ...or, because I think 60% of people have it, that's why we see the world. But even still, for all its construction and all else, I'm enraptured.
    beautiful

  • At the end of it all, I'd still do it, I realized. Largely because no one outranks, because if something doesn't leave your mind that much it has to have merit, but the most (I imagine) is just as it is.

    http://baconhaikus.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/guinea-pig2.jpg
    http://www.petpress.com/wp-content/uploads/image/2007/07/cute-hamster.jpg
    http://students.umf.maine.edu/%7Enelsonek/guinea_pig.jpg
    http://www.dailypets.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2007/09/hamster1.jpg
    http://im.sify.com/sifycmsimg/jun2007/News/14469822_7-guinea-pig_b.jpg
    http://eclectech.co.uk/b3ta/posh-hamster-wallpaper.jpg
    http://www.lukegibbs.com/blog/wp-content/photos/rodent.jpg
    Largest rodent in the world. I want it.

  • And, just like that, I'm no longer single.

  • I was going to say before I really need to start dating again, but an ex of mine convinced me dealing with other people again may just wind up in disappointment (no, don't freak out, it's neither of you two...).

  • Well, it's been roughly 5 months that I've been single now. My younger self would never believe it possible, but I don't think I've done that since before Freshman year. Actually, I think the most time would probably be 3 months, generally (quite often), 2. And I didn't even start the interest for more than half the girls I've dated. I'll never understand why anyone would meet me and suddenly take interest in me. Yet that's happened...and yes, they generally end out bad (though who am I kidding, nearly all of my relationships end out bad).

    So, to remember this depressing dry spell (honestly, when I try not to date, someone comes along; when I could care less, no one sticks out (or stays in contact with me long enough!)) - I'm gonna do a survey. I have never realized how hard these are to find without stealing from a friend. For once, a search engine failed me.

    Quick note before, though - Dr. Rick Carter does have an emoticon - :| D. See the mustache?? This is officially the only one I will ever use.

    ::FIRST, A LITTLE ABOUT YOURSELF::
    Name - PBJ

    Gender - gender's perfomative, but socially accepted as male

    Age - 18

    Birthday - Nov. 22nd

    Sign - no clue

    Sexual orientation - bisexual

    Height - 5'6"

    Weight - 156, last I checked. probably has went up since then

    Body Type - Umm?

    Ethnic Background - Haitian, German, French, Spanish, Scottish, English, Polish
    Languages you speak - English, bit of spanish (though I can read it far better than I can write or speak it). My own languages are still taking some time to learn

    Religious persuasion - what is that even? Um, Catholic, if I'm guessing right the question

    Relationship Status - single, hence why I'm filling you out

    If single, are you looking? Or do you not care? What's the dealio? - it's complicated

    ::OPPOSITE SEX PHYSICAL PREFERENCES:: - you ask orientation, then limit this to the opp. gender??
    Hair color - no preference

    Hair Style - actually wouldn't care. just about anything has looked fine (then again, I'm not exactly picky). though pigtails have always reminded me of porn; and I've just shattered the hearts of many little children. sorry

    Eye Color - doesn't matter. red eyes are cool, though. of course, that also means you have to be albino, but it's a perk, if you ask me

    Skin Tone - don't care

    Ethnic Background - could care less

    Height - doesn't really matter; I've dated girls taller than me, though it seems the shorter one's are always the ones to pursue (with the exception of curly)

    Weight - just how shallow do you think I am?

    Body Type - beauty is a false face

    Fashion Style - generally plain. I'm dreadfully boring, I know, but I think the most attractive outfit is a hoodie and jeans. while I've never dated anyone who needed to constantly wear dresses or anything, wild out there styles are fine as well. it's a good reflection of the personality

    Subculture (if you had to choose) - goth, hands down. gothic chicks rule

    Do any of these preferences usually apply? not really. they're all very surface level. and not every girl out there is gothic, so that ruins that

    ::WHAT YOU LOOK FOR PHYSICALLY IN THE OPPOSITE SEX::
    Favorite body part to touch? - at the point of a relationship before marriage, hand or back (when holding the individual). I don't have wondering hands, the other does generally (*cough*Emma*cough*)

    Favorite body part to look at? - BOOBS. definitely. in fact, if I'm talking to you and you're a girl, I'm probably not even paying attention; just staring at the twins (that was sarcasm, if you couldn't catch it)

    Any physical characteristics you find most attractive? - I have this odd thing with hands. and a smile can be a killer. But the hand thing is still superficial and a smile lies a little more on personality.

    Any physical characteristics you find unattractive? - not really. people are wonderful, all in all

    Are there any accents you like? Dislike? - no, I wouldn't say so, though I'd most prefer a Chicago accent. I like ours the best, I found, when once comparing

    Do you like it when they wear nail polish? - no

    Do you like it when they wear make up of any kind? - definitely not. people look best naturally; make up does nothing, if you ask me

    How do you like them to carry themselves? - however they damn well please

    Any mannerism you find attractive or unattractive? - non that I can think of at the moment

    ::NON-PHYSICAL PREFERENCES:: - finally!
    Personality traits you find attractive - gotta have a sense of humor. outgoing can be good, sometimes, but so can being shy and quiet. I confess I'm first pulled to shy people. is intelligence a personality trait? it does influence how someone is a lot. that's deathly important. gotta be smart (as I massacre this with awful grammar). attentive. I like attention - I admit.

    Personality traits you find unattractive - lying, rude, back-stabber, hypocritical, ignorant, stubborn, high matenance, uncompromising, ignores, avoids, self-righteous, pretentious, uncaring, vain, self-centered

    How important are morals to you? - quite, though that can boil down to care about others. you hurt someone (and don't care), forget me giving you the time of day

    Do political views affect how you see them? - not really, considering more than half the girls I've dated were conservative (I'm a liberal bisexual - why were they interested again? Okay, technically Lindsay didn't know beforehand...). your views, in general, will affect me, but unless you're a psycho variety from either the liberal (you know, advocate for repeal of age consent laws or some shit like that) or conservative (think you're a prophet, want to make gays second class citizens, want to conserve old laws like seperate but equal, shit like that) side, we ought to be fine. Honestly, an intelligent and well-leveled conservative will disagree with me most on economic issues - and if we can't talk civilly about that, we may need to worry about our relationship moreso than our politics. Politics is mostly dumb culture war and that's all people know of it - there's really no actual reason to fight

    Do you like it or dislike it when they curse frequently? - cursing reminds me that you can still think and don't allow society's views affect your judgement in life. while I will need you to realize saying, "Fuck," around a five-year-old is unacceptable, words are words and should be treated as such

    Do they have to share your religious views to be compatible with you? - not at all, though every single one so far has, oddly enough (or relatively enough, at least). Though I might find some qualm if you're a Calvinist. just maybe

    [This -or- That]
    Good girl/boy -or- Bad girl/boy? - can I pick moderate?

    Rocker -or- Hip Hopper? - I'd love someone who's into hip hop, just because I find so little, but I love rock with a passion as well, so that's fine. however, if they're into rock, they better be cool with metal. the only metal I can excuse would be death metal (just because you can't understand a word of it anyway and it's way to sporadic)

    Dog person -or- Cat person? - either is cool. I love both

    Liberal -or- Conservative? - preferably liberal, but economically conservative is fine as well. libertarians rock

    Disciplined -or- Free spirited? - mix of both. there's a time for everything

    Safe -or- Dangerous? - I value my life (heh, well, usually...)

    Completely laid back and calm -or- Hyper and flamboyant? - oy. I do have a history of hyper ex's. though I suppose I'd need both. I opperate in extremes, which means either insanely out there (and taking nothing I say seriously) to quite serious, sober, and melancholy. eh, 'tis me

    Virgin -or- Experienced? - I really wouldn't care how many they've had sex with in the past, but they'd have to understand I plan on staying a virgin until marriage. however, if they are quite experienced, getting tested may be required

    Rational -or- Emotional? - rational, please

    Very shy -or- Very outgoing? - answered above

    Introverted -or- Extroverted? - introverted in that they ought to be reflective. people are the most complex of things - know yourself. extroverted in that I hate being shut out. keep in connection with me, let me in. I don't want to feel like I'm up against this wall peering through a hole

    A creature of habit -or- Unpredictable? - probably habit. it would depend, I suppose.

    A hopless romantic -or- A horndog? - what the Hell's a horndog? romantic, please. otherwise it'll be weird when I'm rediculous with the gifts and whatnot... :| D

    Simple and boring -or- Complicated yet intriguing? - isn't that phrased a bit biasedly? complicated. I need someone complex

    Innocent and naive -or- Wise and knowledgable? - they ought to be knowledgable in what they know. Know lots and tons. Knowledge has never hurt anyone - only the lack of it has. however, they should probably be innocent and naïve in what they've done in their life

    Hot -or- Cute? - cute. based more on personality

    Ugly and totally compatible -or- Gorgeous and completely obnoxious? - Can I get an Ugly for a Success Relationship?

    Proper and polite -or- Rough around the edges? - depends. Fighting Sorina over the cheesecake and stuffing our faces was total fun and definitely a turn on on her part, even though it was totally not etiquette. however, you've gotta be polite to people and give them curtiosy.

    Intense and passionate -or- Sweet and reserved? - um, geez, gotta be passionate somewhere, I guess. the intense though is a little frightening, while the sweet definitely catches the eye. Sweet and passionate?

    Outspoken and highly opinionated -or- Happy-go-lucky pacifist? - I guess the first one

    Smooth and sexy -or- Adorable and awkward? - adorable and awkward. awkward girls are so cute, plus they make you feel more comfortable about being yourself around them. and it's different because usually people say be normal, you'll fit in, etc. So it's like defying the status quo by being yourself

    ::YOUR VIEWS ON DATING/RELATIONSHIPS::
    What is dating by your defintion? - a mutual agreement of entering a relationship higher than friendship by two (or I guess more, for those "breaking boundaries" types) people

    What is a relationship by your defintion? - I dunno. a statement that defines a connection between two people. acquantances, friends, family, partners, even fuck buddies - all relationships

    Can you date more than one person at a time? - others may choose to. me, I'm monogamous and will expect from the gf/bf the same as well

    Can you have a relationship with more than one person at a time? - according to my definition, we all are

    What constitutes cheating? - while I don't approve of looking at (or checking out) other people during a relationship, I suppose I still wouldn't consider it cheating. however, flirting, making out, starting another relationship at the same time - all no

    Is cheating ever justifiable? - not really. I probably won't hate you forever, so long as you apoligize. but it might be harder to trust you

    Would you get back with someone who cheated on you? - depends. see above

    Would you expect to be taken back if you cheated on someone? - not at all

    Kissing on the first date: Acceptable? - considering I kissed both Allison and Emma before the first date, I'd say so. not to mention, I kissed Chelsea before we even started dating

    How about sex on the first date? - if you want to go home and masterbate to the wonderful memories I've given you that night, go right ahead. But abstinance for me (I think that's the first funny thing I've said this whole thing. what a shame)

    One night stands? - HA (and no, that doesn't stand for Acid)

    Sex outside of marriage in general: Acceptable or Not? - again, don't care about your past. but during the relationship, nope

    Would you sleep with a gf/bf? - you haven't gotten this one yet, have you?

    Would you sleep with just a friend? - no. that'd make things so awkward, because, as much as sex is utterly unrelated to love, people still put attachment to it (we have society to blame for that)

    Would you kiss just a friend? - it wouldn't mean anything if I did, but no. I have not had problems with other friends kissing me, though (however, if you do it on the lips, I'm gonna have to wonder if you're coming on to me)

    Would you do anything sexual at all with just a friend? - wasn't this asked before? well, if you consider making out sexual, then I guess yes, but that probably means I like them and want to go out with them (you'd think that'd be obvious)

    What are your sexual boundaries? - nothing past first base

    What do you consider a perfect first date? - I dunno. the date has to be there. but otherwise, we could do just about anything, I'd be fine. movie, walk. I still have yet to do that cook something together idea, so that'd probably be the next date I do with someone

    What could your crush/bf/gf do to make you jealous? - heh, not much, probably. I actually get jealous really easily, but usually over small rediculous things. and I know they're rediculous. but yeah, just me

    Guys: Would you always call her first? - eh. heh, any of my ex's can attest I don't make the first move often, unless I know by some means I can and things won't get weird or you won't mind it. but I generally suck at keeping up conversations, unless in person (and even then sometimes...), so better be ready to talk a lot. with Lindsay and jess, I'd just listen to them talk to themselves; I'm not at all hard to please, clearly. okay, maybe a bit

    Girls: Would you get upset if he rarely/never called? - This and the last question are so sexist

    What could a gf/bf do to make you feel insecure about your relationship? - avoid me, be unresponsive to stuff I do (like, I make a joke and you look like you weren't even paying attention; I do hope I'm not that boring). but I panik over little things too (granted, largely because my 1st to 5th gfs thought it wise, for whatever reason, to dance around anything rather than be straightforward with it. missed a date? break up's on the way)

    Would you let your bf/gf be as free as they wanted to be? - what does that mean?

    What would you do if you became/got your gf pregnant? - wouldn't ever happen

    Relationships are 50/50: True or False? - absolutely

    Once a cheater always a cheater: True or False? - naw

    How do you know you like someone? - I dunno, you just know. generally you can't stop thinking about them, a lot. and you kinda jump when you hear their name (or think you do) or see them or their screen name comes up (sounds corny, but, hey, we really do live in the online age)

    How do you know you LOVE someone? - geez...you just know, really. I mean, I only have one example, and I dunno. I just knew with her. with jess - I dunno. just knew

    What is romantic love by your definition? - um...I dunno. romance. I dunno

    Do you like people easily? - like? if crush qualifies, yes. if like as in long period of time, I'd say no, I guess. moderate there

    Do you fall in love easily? - HA. I'm much too picky

    How do you know your feelings are no longer there? - there's just nothing. you don't feel like seeing them, don't get excited anymore. it's a depressing point. stop making me think of it

    What's the hardest part about a break up? - the other person's reactions. granted, the two times I've had to do it (heh, yes, I suck that much at dating), they were both kinda rediculous and the situations they were in just made me feel like an ass

    Do you stop liking/fall out of love easily? - liking, as in crushes, yes. long term liking, not so much. depends on the person, really

    Is there a difference between liking and crushing on someone? - yes. crush is kinda, "They might be interesting. I like the personality so far". Liking can consist of crushing but also you know them better and want to go out with them more strongly (or are just flat out interested in them)

    How do you differenciate between liking and crushing? - see above

    ::CURRENTLY::
    Like someone? - it's complicated

    Crushing on someone? - not at the moment. there were some brief ones at the begining of the year

    In love with someone? - not anymore. heh, feels so long ago

    Dating around? - psh, I wish

    Looking for someone? - it's fucking complicated

    How relevant dating/relationships are to your life right now: ehh

    And that took me an hour. Wow. :| D (okay, I just wanted to use it once more)

  •  

    I once stated on here that race relations in America were heading towards a train crash that most seemed to be conveniently oblivious to (with no further explanation of what I meant, of course). Well, maybe a train crash was a bit dramatic, but that they are confused and screwed up, I would certainly be willing to argue.

     

    The first thought you would probably have is that I’m talking about racism (and, if that is the case – in our American minds, white on black racism). However, I am not. Where to start?

     

    Simplistically, I am of darker skin. On a more complex level, I would be labeled half black and half white. Truly, I am multiracial. My mother was born and raised in Haiti. Her grandmother was from the lighter side of the country, her French heritage clear upon her. My grandfather was from the darker side, a mix of Haitian and Spaniard. My father is European, for the most part – his lines run from England to Poland to Scotland to Germany.

     

    But if you were to talk to anyone, they would generally call me black. I am reminded of the time in elementary school that my mother made a fuss over what race the school marked me down as; the secretary wanted to simply check African-American and be done with it; my mother insisted that’s not what I was.

     

    Yet in America, it doesn’t matter whether you’re really from Nigeria rather than born and bred here. No, it won’t always even matter if you happen to be Japanese instead. You’re not white – racism will follow you. In that sense, I am black. People will see me as that and I shall be treated accordingly. I have no qualms with this. I understand it and take it. My skin is dark.

     

    Even still, I have never understood most demonstrations and protests in justification of being black. I have studied and followed the history in America, yes – I know well slavery, done projects on it; one of my favorite time periods is the black civil rights movement; one of my favorite speeches is I Have a Dream. I’ve been subject to racism (though I doubt no one hasn’t been or isn’t well aware of it). Even before I faced it, a favorite movie in my household is Roots. I knew of racism since I was born.

     

    There was a problem, though. I’m middle class. The majority I’ve always known is white because that was what my classmates were for the most part. In fact, as I got older, the less racism I faced and the more my skin became an irrelevancy. I know better, so I’ve often wondered in awe how you could view someone who was different as the same as you so easily – my greatest acceptance (when it came to my skin) was from the majority. Other races for me were the many types of Asian. And while I have a deep love for rap, I’m a complete metal head, while my all time favorite artist happens to be Bruce Springsteen (taken from my dad, I admit). It was a white rapper who interested me in genre first, and Big Pun made me realize that my own windings among rhyme and alliteration were hardly anything in comparison. I consider myself a video game nerd. Some of my closest friends were the techies working backstage at the concerts (I have since become one since applying for a job in college, I am happy to report). My list of girlfriends has been Caucasian (if only for the reason I had little other choice, given my raising). And I have a fierce love for the gothic subculture; I remember listening to a spoken word poet listing the ways the majority stays complacent, shutting out the problems of the world; she lists the indignity of Columbine being placed on rap and video games; and then she cries, “Go back to your ‘goth’,” and I wanted to shout objection; did you forget they targeted us after Columbine just as much as the previous two?

     

    So am I any less black? Will I be viewed and judged differently? In the days leading up to the primaries for the Democratic Party, some of the “black leaders” said that Obama didn’t share with other blacks in America that history of slavery and was, therefore, different from them.

     

    One of my “brothers” happens to be a Jew. Of my “sisters”, one happens to be blue-eyed and the other a mixed Hispanic.

     

    I don’t know (nor understand) a “black” culture. I don’t understand what the green, black, and red colors of an African continent does for an American like myself, nor would I suppose it make much sense, if I considered my own heritage.

     

    So you’re probably thinking – are you criticizing black people? Is this some type of perverse racism and you feel the need to separate yourself from black people? Are you really this bored?

     

    America is characterized as a people of no color. In my mind, that has always meant that we were a people despite our differences. As I viewed the statue of Thomas Jefferson in Washington, I stood in the shadow of a man who shaped our nation – of which I was just as much a part of. This man may have not been Haitian, but he was certainly me. With every word of the Declaration of Independence, he was crafting my beliefs and my future.

     

    I may not have ancestors who suffered the pains of slavery in America, yet I view with pride the abolitionists who spoke out against it and the slaves who wove their own culture into the American fabric.

     

    I am a child of Western thought. The Greeks laid out the idea of a free government and the Romans crafted a form of what would be our own, someday. To those minds I owe and I make no mistake of it.

     

    I did not find alienation in the women’s civil rights movement and I use the words of Jane Addams and Sojourner Truth often enough.

     

    I wasn’t hosed down during the 60s, but it is one of my favorite times to study. It was those people who paved the way to the acceptance I receive today. It was a moment when we said, “We might have inherited many problems, but at no point can we not overcome them.”

     

    When I think of America, the words, “Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand/A mighty woman with a torch…/‘Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!’ cries she/With silent lips. ‘Give me your tired, your poor,/Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,/The wretched refuse of your teeming shore./Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,/I lift my lamp beside the golden door!’” grace upon my lips, heaving with the spirit that must have infected the many who came to our land.

     

    The Grapes of Wrath, for me, didn’t describe a strange people or a landscape I didn’t know. I read with dislike the internment of Americans with Japanese ancestry. I rejoiced at the discovery of Stonewall. I sat with solemn acknowledgement at what the two Marches on Washington (1963 and 1979) meant for us as a nation.

     

    In short, every facet of American history defined me. We never got it right everytime – indeed, our grievances are many. But I take pride in what we have done. And I don’t understand why any person would isolate themselves to one position based on their heritage. Perhaps I’ve been too swayed by the words of King, but unification is the only route in my mind. I characterize myself as an American first and foremost.

     

    There is no “black” culture but only what of our culture was taken from people of color. I will identify myself as a German (among other things), I eat everyday now with chopsticks (something I always wanted to do since a kid), and I proclaim loudly, “In the future days which we seek to make secure, we look forward to a world founded upon four essential human freedoms. The first is freedom of speech and expression…. The second is freedom of every person to worship God in his own way…. The third is freedom from want…. The fourth is freedom from fear…”, “It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us — that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion…— and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth”, and “Yesterday the greatest question was decided which ever was debated in America; and a greater perhaps never was, nor will be, decided among men. A resolution was passed without one dissenting colony, ‘that these United Colonies are, and of right ought to be, free and independent States.’”

     

    And, perhaps, most importantly, I believe deeply in that Latin saying – e pluribus unum.

     

    So what am I, America? Should I cling to an identity – whether that be black or Haitian or German or male – and define myself by it, letting no others share it?

     

    What am I, America? Should I find connection in only those like myself? Should I see my history only from those eyes?

     

    What am I, America?

     

    I thought I was American.

  • Because I found it on YouTube:

    Rode through forty nights of the gospels' rain
    Black sky pourin' snakes, frogs
    And love in vain
    You were down where the river grows wider
    Baby, let me be your soul driver

    Well, if something in the air feels a little unkind
    Don't worry, darlin'
    It'll slip your mind
    I'll be your gypsy joker, your shotgun rider
    Baby, let me be your soul driver

    Now, no one knows which way love's wheel turns
    Will we hit it rich
    Or crash and burn?
    Does fortune wait or just the black hand of fate?
    This love potion's all we've got
    One toast before it's too late

    If the angels are unkind or the season is dark
    Or if in the end
    Love just falls apart
    Well then here's to our destruction
    Baby, let me be your soul driver
    -Bruce Springsteen

    Well, 12:16 and still two papers to write. There goes sleep for tonight. I'm actually not that bad and I should be anything but. It's complacency and I dislike that but what're you to do? Talked to Lilia again for the first time in 3 years, which has its own shocks and ironies to it; and life goes on, really. So apparently at Carmel High School they have actual conferences to talk about the dangers of Facebook and MySpace - of course, they seem to forget we've been using the internet more extensively than they ever took to create it and no one actually gets suckered (for kinder choices of words) on MySpace anymore unless they're an idiot or not a veteran of the internet (yes, we have veterans now) and colleges don't catch stupid shit you say on Facebook unless you really don't know how to use that Ignore button for friend invitations. Apparently they still have ways of seeing the info. but in my mind that means they have to revert to haking into the system, which worries me about the college's intergrity - I have a feeling I wouldn't want to attend the school after that. In any case, do they happen to realize how much total (possibly unfixable) damage they would cause by actually letting some parents see their children's personal (could I stress personal again?) information? Honestly...think; it's actually really useful, not to mention easy. Just takes a little more time and effort. And I have just realized I seem to have forgotten to take my only document of the Dwarven tongue with me. Either that or it got lost on the old flash drive, which is all kinds of bad.

    Irony; which Victoria confused for Ivory today. Does anyone else ever wonder that that girl who came up with my nickname (which would end up being used far more than even I expected) rarely calls me it? Oh, what my life would have been without her. I suppose I should actually start those papers now. Joel's still up, suprisingly (it's 1:44 now). What else have I done recently? I dunno; probably not worth too much mention. Funnily enough, I don't think I've ever used journals mostly to write down what I actually physically do during the days.

    Maybe I'm just a clown throwin' down
    Lookin' to come up busted
    I'm a thief in the house of love
    And I can't be trusted
    -Bruce Springsteen

    Know the one down-side of being a Bruce fan? Most of all the other fans are 40 or older...