I think what terrifies me the most when it comes to my dad is just how similar we are (or I am to how he was as a kid/adolescent). And I think what terrifies me even further is how different we are in that similarity.
That was terribly cryptic. I'm learning (or, rather, coming to admit) that it seems near impossible for me to voice personal matters of my own of my own volition.
Love always,
Dad
Would it be considered cruel of me to only respond with a, "No"? Yeah, I know, I should stop asking questions I don't care about the answer for.
There's a dream I've had. I've only had it twice but that's really more than enough, as far as I'm concerned. I believe both times it involved some event with the family. It's usually (I think) attached onto another dream, with the scene that's moved into including the entire family. My father is talking and I'm steadily getting more irritated. I say things which are ignored or taken the wrong way. I start to get snarky, becoming more caustically sarcastic and deliberately hurtful in what I say. This continues until I boil over and sort of stop everything else that's going on. In the last time I had this dream, we were all in the car and I - somehow - cause my dad to stop the car. I jump out and I'm absolutely livid. I'm shrieking at this point, completely shaking in my rage as I'm divulging literally every single grievance, hurt, and memory that's bothered me, ever. And I'm not being sarcastic anymore, or convoluted, or even just expecting him to get it without me explaining it; I am, in as clear of language as I possibly can, shouting every problem I've ever had and explaining why they've bothered me. The anger should get his attention, disallowing any possible distraction or to think that any of this is dismissible; the explanation is blatantly clear to me (remembering this is a dream, we can assume that the explanation actually is plain as day and ought to make sense).
And he doesn't get it. He doesn't understand. And it's not even not understanding because he's too selfish or because he doesn't want to. And it's not understanding but simply not caring anyway. It's like he literally cannot understand so clear and obvious explanations, earnestly and honestly, and so all he wants to know is why in the world am I yelling at him, what did he possibly do to deserve such angry and violent behavior.
When my dad broke into buildings as a youth, he stole shit and eventually got caught by the cops.
When my friends and I broke into a building, we marveled at what fixtures hadn't been removed and what it must have looked like before being closed, ahh-ed at old records of famous litarary works lying around (as well as on old school fire alarm bell) and the boxes of old files and college theses that we found, and scoured our eyes over the original blueprints. And Lord of the Rings references to Khazad-dûm (Moria); many Lord of the Rings references.
My Dad on Facebook:
Dude!
When you PC is on, does that mean that iPhone is also on?
Dad...you're 50-something years old. I'm pretty sure the only people who ever use the term dude with me are Ohioan teen girls. You should be stable and sage-like like wrybreadspread; your age is your asset.
Alright, I'm totally stereotyping him, I admit (and am totally guilty). And, obviously, I'm largely kidding; he's only checking up on me. But there's something that just feels unnatural about him using that.
Alright, DAY TWO.
I hadn't really thought about keeping track of how this little experiment would go but I figure why not? Could be amusing. Plus, I haven't properly kept track of anything I've done for years (as you might've garnered from this "journal", seeing as I rarely give updates about what happens in my day-to-day life). I'd be interested to look back and see how things have progressed, sort of a further way to gauge the effectiveness of this new sleep pattern.
So, last I left you, I remember mentioning that one of my nap times would be at 12. First, in part due to my depression and my acquired coping method of planning some things out as a way to stay organized, I get very disoriented and emotionally rattled when things don't go as planned. What's this got to do with sleeping? Nothing directly but it gives you an idea of my mindset when I woke up an hour and a half after my intended 20 minute nap and more than half of my class had been missed.
Thankfully Professor Kent was understanding (that's because she's amazingly awesome and why I chose her as my adviser). However, of course, this screwed up my schedule. So, I have over slept once thus far.
The extra hour has made falling asleep more difficult, since it's extra energy I hadn't intended. It also will off-set my body from recognizing that I'm only getting 20 minutes of sleep per interval. Apparently it thinks that I only do so by 2 hours at the moment (hence why I woke up and didn't just sleep through the rest of today); I'm not sure why. I haven't consistantly only slept for only 2 hours multiple times lately.
Admittedly, if my sleep patterns have been anything lately, they've been sporadic and out of place. 3 or 4 days ago I had a paper to write, which wound up using the whole night. Considering that it helps to work when you're not groggy, I've been experimenting with sleeping in short intervals while you work since last semester.
My whole "Sleep 10 minutes and then work 30, repeat" didn't work quite well when I wound up just sleeping, waking up at when I usually set my alarm - without the help of my alarm (seeing as I fell asleep without intention, you might imagine that I hadn't set an alarm for that day). While the sleep was utterly refreshing, it only gave me 5 hours to do my paper, seeing as I still had math homework that had to be done before class and comp. sci. homework due sometime that day. It all got done, but it wasn't very useful.
With the paper I worked on 3 or 4 days ago, I tried sleeping for 5 minutes and then just working between those (I didn't really pay much attention to how long I worked between the intervals. Truth be told, I wound up at some points doing 5 minutes work, 5 minutes sleep. I cave easily). That actually worked quite well, except for one instance where I seemed to've missed the alarm and slept for 1.5 to 2 hours. Otherwise, though, I didn't fall asleep for anytime longer and the paper got done. What interested me most about it, though, was that I didn't have any of the tiredness that normally accompanies an all-nighter (varying on how much sleep I've had the week before, of course). I was totally at normal energy 'til the end of the day.
While not a direct thought that I had, this attempt to bring my sleep patterns under some logical sense is part of what interested me in getting polyphasic sleep. But this also makes me wary.
According to the article I posted last entry, the writer found that he becomes dependent on that schedule. Varying far from it winds up in him getting exhausted. I suppose what weirds me out about this is that our conventional (though misguided) way of measuring benefit from sleep is simple and very capable of being concrete - how many hours did you sleep? Measurable.
This new sleep pattern acknowledges that REM is the useful sleep I need and that outside of REM is unnecessary. So, in other words, outside of my constructed schedule, I have no way of measuring if I've gotten the right amount of sleep. I mean, even the notion of just getting 2 hours per day runs utterly contrary to how we usually think of sleep.
This is most easily demonstrated in the way the rest of my naps went. While I'm using the article I showed you guys as a guide, I've also got to be skeptical. For one, the guy is a vegan and, guessing completely wildly based on what little of how he describes his eating style, probably a more healthy eater than me. This could make a difference. The most clear way is when he mentions caffeine.
I forget if I've mentioned it here, but I have a quite consistent addiction to sugar. To prop up my sporadic sleep schedule (or lack thereof), it comes in handy. If I crash, just take some more. Naturally, I'm not opposed to using caffeine the same way, if needed (though I don't think I have an addiction to it). And, really, it's kinda hard to avoid on a college campus.
So, while not a part of his diet, they're quite a consistent part of mine. He tried playing with using caffeine to stay awake, possibly to skip one of the 20 minute interval naps completely, and it didn't work.
But would it work for me? Better yet, will getting into the cycle be more difficult if I'm drinking soda right before I try to take a nap? I only had some during dinner, so it wasn't really a problem today, but they're things to keep in mind.
The other difference I want to highlight is that he said he felt like a zombie for the first few days because the body isn't used to jumping right into REM sleep, meaning that the 20 minute naps were pretty much useless sleep. So, ironically enough, sleep deprivation ensued.
Me, on the other hand - well, I'm quite well acquainted with sleep deprivation (as we probably have learned quite well in these two most recent posts alone). Despite my 1.5 hour nap today, I've been pretty fine throughout the day. Towards the end I could feel being tired, but nothing at all like the haziness that follows, say, only getting 2-3 hours of sleep the night before. It was kinda like the grogginess was there in the background but you could easily push it aside.
However, this is further confusing since I haven't had much REM sleep today (er, yesterday; you know). In fact, as the day wore on, the more I got less REM sleep from my naps. So it's not like they've been sustaining me. Of course, my naps have been wherever I can take them (namely the science buildings and the student center). I always feel like I'm doing something I shouldn't by sleeping in public places, so I rarely can fall asleep easily. And, of course, I'm often on whatever sofa/chair I can find, so it's not exactly comfy.
That said, my latest nap sticks out the most. The previous hours of the day had followed like I described. Being 3 in the morning, I decided to head back to my dorm before going back to the science buildings to finish my lab. I figured sleep in my own bed would help me along and get me the sleep I'm trying to achieve.
Instead, it felt like I couldn't get any sleep at all. I kinda laid there and rested, but obviously no REM came from that. Since I felt groggy as a result, I figured I'd stay in bed for 20 more minutes in hope of getting any sleep. I kinda don't recall everything, so I might've fallen asleep. Seeing how it played out, I'm not sure if I want to call it over-sleeping.
However, more than anything, such (unproductive) sleep made me groggier than all of today possibly did. I normally just got up after each nap, feeling like I didn't exactly gain all I could (like I said, most of my naps are still not REM sleep), but feeling that background grogginess that basically meant I still had more energy than I normally would for the amount of sleep I've been getting.
Walking back to the science quad has shook off much of the grogginess, but I'm still more tired. So, I'm wondering if I'm reaching the part where the writer of the article I posted felt like a zombie. But, again, it's hard to gauge given the differences between our circumstances.
I guess the last thing I want to say is how useful this could be, if I can properly shift myself to this sleep schedule. While I'd prefer all of the other benefits that supposedly go with this sleep schedule (more vivid dreams, more energy and alertness), it seems I'm able to sustain myself better this way already. Considering I'm only getting 2 hours of sleep per day, groggy but more energy than a concentrated 2 hours of sleep is not a bad trade-off. Again, it presents sleep in a way that I can't possibly do anything with. I wouldn't even begin to know how to stray from the schedule while maintaining the energy conserved. But such is the elusiveness of REM.
Regardless, the time gained should be great. I mean, 22 hour days? It's like the perfect solution. I'd've made it up if I hadn't found it to be true. It's basically the eradication of sleep from your day - and, yet, utterly not so since what you're really doing is utilizing sleep to its utmost potential and, therefore, requiring less of it.
For example, I probably would've never gotten this lab done today - I'm almost finished, but, thanks to my new freed time, I have completely until 1 today to get it done, minus 40 minutes (2 naps). I could get more homework done. I could free up time to finally write back to my friends, seeing as I've pretty much had no time to do so. Hell, I could manage my clubs better.
And, more than anything, I can witness the glory that is night and (even) early morning. I can get breakfast everyday. I mean, for anyone who's an early riser, this seems ridiculous. But, seeing as I had trouble capping my sleep at even 12 hours, to suddenly take TEN of those hours back? This is phenomenal.
I'm seriously hoping my body will be able to adapt efficiently to the schedule.
I really need to do another archaic word of the day. It's been far too long since the last, yes?
So, as I imparted to Kari yesterday, it kinda pisses me off that there is a such a limited, narrow, and slanted view of what is attractive in terms of how women look (because, if we're being brutally honest, I'm far closer to straight than I am to being gay and so can speak more authoritatively on that end of the spectrum).
Granted, I still find physical attractiveness to be a sorry form of evaluation for people, pointless, and a cruelly unfair system that aids to many of the debilitating aspects of our society that erodes self-confidence and certainty in self-image (hyperbolic? I'd hardly say so).
That being said – I'm not going to convince many (if any) other people to my line of thinking. And, if that's the case (as I said above), it really pisses me off that there's such a limited view of what is considered attractive when it comes to women.
It may just be me, but there is a complete wealth of diversity and multitude of differing body types when it comes to girls (like I said, I'm a poorer judge when it comes to guys, so it's mostly ignorance talking there) that it absolutely amazes me that our society tries so harshly to smash it into some ridiculous notion of a singular mold. I mean...why would you want to limit yourself?
However, as I said above, there's a limited view of what is considered attractive. Obviously, attractive doesn't mean only physically attractive (and by physically attractive I mean traits that can only be derived through genes). There are many personal and cultural choices that a person can make that can make them attractive or not attractive to a person (such as choice of clothes or whether they wear glasses or not).
So, that being said, understand that the rest of this discussion in this post covers on some things which are just a matter of opinion and others of it are just inexcusable pickiness and stupidity. Also understand that while I'll focus on my out-of-what-is-usually-considered-the-norm attractions, I generally fall within the mainstream as well. Which is all fine and dandy. I get why we might flock to certain ideas of attractiveness and generally will agree. It's our seeming inability to venture away from these or even admit that the ones I'm going to list are perfectly applicable candidates as well that bothers me.
The first that drives me insane is our society's complete inability to recognize curves. I wanna scream every time some idiot mislabels someone as being "too fat" just because her body actually has a shape which differs from a stalk of celery. Obesity and curves are not the same thing. The latter, you dumbnut, happens to be the natural shape a woman's body takes. Not all, obviously, but please stop telling all to achieve that of a pole.
That being said – fat isn't a bad thing. Being chubby can be equally attractive. Criticize the muffin top, if you will, but chubby girls tend to be more cuddly and are tons more fun to hug.
Also, what's with the Only Huge Boobs Please thing? They get big enough and they start to no longer look human. Alright, alright, I'm being facetious by now; but, seriously, small breasts aren't a bad thing. They are quite the opposite often enough. Diversity, people!
Now, this next pet peeve of mine, admittedly, is mostly a preference thing. I can't honestly chastise people here in good conscience. Obviously some may just honestly disagree with me. But I've never been able to understand the makeup thing. If I wanted to be cocky and snide, I might say it's because I'm a fan of natural beauty and don't understand wanting to cover it up, but that would most clearly be just me being a smartass, and I could easily disassemble such an argument. That said – I still don't understand makeup. In 99.9% of the cases I've seen (and I'm mostly meaning towards the beautifying stuff, anyway (like lipstick, etc.); not movie makeup, for example), the individual looks utterly better just without makeup. But, then again, I've always had what my mother has called pathetically simplistic and boring tastes. A girl with no makeup, hair done up in a simple ponytail (with no other "trimmings"), and wearing jeans and a hoodie is a thousand times more attractive to me than one "dressed up" (say, a dress). Then again, I'm also a fan of adrogynous girls and what others might call "plain looking", for two other vaguely related examples.
I was slightly horrified, admittedly, yesterday when Vikki and Bailey started freaking out over Alys having a figure and going to go shopping with her; I've always found her to be attractive, unrevealing dressing style and all. Yeah, I said it; granted, it partially doesn't matter because this will likely never make it back to Alys and so she won't be able to glare at me like she tends to. But still. Regardless of where the majority lies, those are my tastes. I'm sure there are others out there that agree.
Also, arms with hair on them. Are they really so bad? At first I was kinda indifferent. Now a days, I lean a little more in favor of. It seems like whenever hair and female get put in the same sentence people recoil (I can mentally see my parents doing so right now) – but I don't get it. It can be just as cute or pretty as hair on one's head can be, I think.
I remember last Winter Break my mom asked me if I had seen any girls at college yet that I find attractive. Normally I either ignore her or say something along the lines of, "Why? It's only an illusion anyway." This time, however, I decide I'll humor her. So, I respond, "No, not really. I've kinda been into more masculine women lately." My parents reactions? They gawk and go, "What???" Now, granted, I probably meant more physically feminine women with a masculine gender, but (as I've said here many times now) butch women are pretty fantastic as well. My main point here is that there are, in the mainstream, a lack of women with a more masculine demeanor (either in only their gender or physically or some combination of both). I mean, if we're being totally technical, playing video games is still generally considered a masculine trait (as in it's considered socially acceptable when done by males and often not considered acceptable when done by females), which instantly makes gamer girls technically more masculine than most of their fellow female peers. But clearly most of us wouldn't instinctually label video games as being all that masculine (leastwise, I don't). I mean in areas that are more universally thought of as masculine, there is a lack of females which possess that. The only category (again, I'm talking mainstream, so (for example) the butch/femme lesbian culture doesn't really count, not to mention (to the best of my ignorant knowledge) I believe that culture is slowly fading away) for such a phenomenon is the old tomboy stereotype – and that's pretty limited. How about a girl that wears a lot of "guy" clothes (such as suits, etc.) but isn't all that athletic? However, if we could break stereotypes so easily in people's minds, I'd be a much happier person and quite busy in the world.
And I'm sure there are a million others I could think of. I didn't mentioned, for example, braces or glasses in part because our society is moving closer to finding them acceptable on a really mainstream level, even finding them cute. Anyone see Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs? It says something that the fact that the main character's love interest is a nerd, equipped with glasses, can go over our heads because we've become so used to the idea and also – well, she's a nerd! And it's a children movie that did well at the theatres. Think of how this may affect future generations of kids who saw the movie? Granted, I'm not going to assume that all such taunts and aversions to glasses will end because of this movie (my father once told me he would never have dated anyone else with glasses because he was so self-conscience about his own as a kid); but it's progress.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is, love your "imperfections" and "blemishes".
You never know who could be admiring them.
Oh, and also rail against the stupidity of society. But I guess that's kinda the undercurrent of this entire Xanga, now isn't it?
I was at the park today, swinging on the swings while listening to my iPod (one of my favorite activities). And, well, then a man approached me and told me the park was closed, right as I was really getting over the horrid mood that had drove me there to begin with.
Well, I just couldn't take the answer given to me, now could I?
There's a quaint little park in a subdivision literally bordering the Woodland Intermediate School that literally boarders my subdivision. It said on the sign that the park closes at dusk, but it also said the park is unsupervised, so that's basically an invitation, right?
As I sat there swinging, I was reminded once again why I love the area so damn much. Having spent the past 6 years really getting to know the Stevenson High School area (Buffalo Grove, Libertyville, Lincolnshire, Long Grove, etc.), it's pretty much like a second home to me. My parents and friends can well enough attest (seeing as the places of visit tend to be friends' houses), I spend more than enough of my share time there.
But only recently has that given me pause to rediscover the place I basically grew up. My parents (read: my mother) were not ones to let us out very often. We used to all go on bike rides together but that was when I was young (and, if I'm remembering correctly, I've mentioned that in a recent previous post on here with me saying that I wanted to re-see those places we, as a family, had visited since I hadn't seen them in so long). And, of course, by the time my parents started actually allowing me to step outside the subdivision, I was going out to see friends, all of which lived in the SHS area, which pretty regularly translates to being 30 minutes away from where I live. So, in reality, I was only superficially aware of my surrounding area (what little there is left of Gages Lake outside of my subdivision and Gurnee, seeing as it only takes 5 minutes to get to both Gurnee Mills and Six Flags; we may share the same zip code as Grayslake, but we're a bit different from them).
Now, I've said before on here that I would love to be able to really show and share with you that awe of seeing a completely barren parking lot (part of the reason for the picnic-in-a-parking-lot idea) or just the way it seems like this place just continually spans outward. But that doesn't get at all of it.
The culture here is different. Gurnee is far more urbanized than many suburbs nearer the city (again, namely the SHS area, amongst other places) and the southern, more rural parts of Illinois (most naturally). The type of urbanizing is interesting, too; you've got buses for public transportation, yet a lot of the business and urbanized aspect comes from the commercial aspect of the city. Hit around the Gurnee Mills mall and it's just line upon line of chain restaurants (McDonald's, Taco Bell, Culver's, White Castle, etc.). In fact, I don't think that area exists for any purpose other than a conglomerate of commercial venues.
Yet another aspect of Gurnee's urban nature, though, is the influx of city kids continually coming in, causing a cultural makeup that is very diverse. I remember walking through Gurnee Mills looking for job opportunities and just a wave of the social cliques that were so prevalent back in Middle School for me come waving back. You've got the urbanites, the goths, your run-of-the-mill upper class kids, your rockers/druggies, etc. And in some ways which are totally on a subtle level that is hard to explain, there's a distinct difference that I now remember from back in Middle School. It was kinda this relieving feeling as I can walk with people so familiar with a level of confidence that I just didn't have back then. Instead of being cautious and on-guard, I just felt like, "I'm back home."
But, despite it's urban nature, there's this feeling of flat out openness. The best example I have is, on Milwaukee Avenue (Highway 21) when it intersects with Gages Lake Road, across from the Dominoes, there's this giant office building. It's clearly built to hold tons upon tons of offices within. Looks really nice too. And it resides in a field of tall grass (though the grass looks grain-colored) that stretches for miles alongside that side of highway 21. And there's nothing as far as you can see (while standing directly across from this building) next to the building. Just this random office building, pretty far into this random, stretching field of tall grass.
And, honestly, it really is a bizarre site and almost this WTF moment. I mean, what were they thinking?
When my parents bought our house, it was still in the process of being built. The area is still a very new one. And it seems like, in so many ways, they just got really excited to build. But, since it was new and (yet, for whatever reason) did well and drew many people, it's like they just constructed what people needed. Oh, people need to live somewhere - let's make houses! We could probably get a lot of money around Gurnee Mills - cram it with commercial stores! We could provide for a lot jobs with all the new people coming to live here - build an office building!
So the place literally looks, all over, half constructed. You get things like an office building in the middle of a tall grass field. You get things like giant parking lots for Warren Township High School or some other random school or business building in a place that only adds to the sprawling feeling of the parking lot when it's empty because it's surrounded by grassy fields or there's a forest right beside it - and that's it's surroundings; not houses, not other buildings - fields and forests! It's the weirdest thing ever.
But you know my appreciation for weird things. Plus, this is very much the reason I love cities. I don't understand why, but I absolutely crave manmade living creations (stores, buildings, houses - but not being inside of them). At the same time, I adore the weather/nature. I'd die without it. Every so often I just have to go to a window and breath deeply. And you know how I do about the rain. So, more urban situations are perfect. A friend of mine commented to another friend of hers how she hates New York because it's so crowded and boxed in with a lack of nature (flowers, trees, etc.), unlike Chicago - bingo. Also, think the Evanston area, for another example of what I like.
It's the perfect combination for me. Suburbs are more hit-and-miss in comparison to this. It's hard to explain, but I'm very particular about these surroundings.
So, while the Gurnee and Gages Lake area is by far not a city in the traditional sense, you get those more urban "living constructions" with an overabundance of nature all over the place. It's not the same as a city - it's actually quite a different experience - but it provides the same ingredients.
So what's different is that, when people aren't in that parking lot or that office building is closed for the day - time literally seems to stand still. It's like everyone has abandoned the world and you get that scant moment to really take in and enjoy the stillness, that undisturbed peace and quiet. It's very much along the lines of why I love nature, that moment to just absorb and wrap yourself in the beauty of it all - but it's combining evenly manmade constructions and nature at the same time (think of the parking lot surrounded by forests that I mentioned above). It's astounding. Yet, if you want civilization and human interaction again, just go to Gurnee Mills or Six Flags or come back to the place again when people are working there.
It's the best of both worlds, this crazy area that seems stuck between development and the beginning birth of construction (or no construction at all, if you decide to go to the forest preserve connected to our subdivision).
Now, there's more to me than just this. The SHS area is my home. I know it well and it's very well a part of me (and, considering that most of (like, 80%) my friends hail from there, it's where my family's from). I'm distinguishing Gurnee/Gages Lake in the same way I might point out the differences of the SHS area to brag about it. I mean, to be honest, there's very little, if any, of a nerd identity back in the culture of Gurnee/Gages Lake (at least certainly not a unified one). And I will probably never find so prominant and distinct a gothic community anywhere else as I did at Stevenson.
But I was sitting in that park this night, that just in itself looks half finished (really basic, done in the middle of this open field with just tall grass leading up to the Woodland School and with those exercise bars that I've never understood why they're put in children's parks; it's like the constructor though, "Oh, this'll only take three bars - cheap; let's do it!").
And between the school and this park is this lake, with the reflection of the half moon in the crisp night sky shining on the water. And it just smells like a lake, so beautiful.
And behind me, if I'm facing the lake (and, by extension, the school), is the subdivision, which in itself feels half finished, with streets that go into an intersection and then just end in a deadend, as if the builders were just building with no plan, just until the demand wore out.
And I'm just swinging, listening to my iPod, and watching the cars go past across the lake on Gages Lake Road.
And it's everything that I love, in a moment so peaceful and perfect, that I wish I could show to you how it felt right then during that night sky with the beauty of the forest behind me and the lake to the right of me, with people getting ready for sleep to the left of me in that subdivision and the world going about it's buisness across the lake.
It was so beautiful; I love this town.
Xhiddenxtearzx (6:43:39 PM): i love him jon.
SBI MEZ M86 (6:46:20 PM): then I'm happy for you. really happy. because you deserve to be happy. heh, life works out, occassionally
Xhiddenxtearzx (6:47:03 PM): =].
Xhiddenxtearzx (6:48:10 PM): if someone would've told me at the beginning of the school year that i'd feel this way about them i would've called them an idiot.
SBI MEZ M86 (6:48:46 PM): heh. nice
Xhiddenxtearzx (6:49:03 PM): i'm not kidding.
Xhiddenxtearzx (6:49:46 PM): and i can honestly say i've only ever felt like this once before.
SBI MEZ M86 (6:50:42 PM): really? then this seems to be genuine
SBI MEZ M86 (6:50:53 PM): not that I doubted it before
Xhiddenxtearzx (6:51:11 PM): whats genuine mean?
SBI MEZ M86 (6:52:12 PM): like, authentic. real.
Xhiddenxtearzx (6:52:31 PM): oh ok got it.
Xhiddenxtearzx (6:53:02 PM): wanna know something.
SBI MEZ M86 (6:53:21 PM): sure
Xhiddenxtearzx (6:55:48 PM): the only other person i've felt this for is you.
SBI MEZ M86 (6:58:44 PM): really? why? not like I don't believe you. you know. just curious. of all people
Xhiddenxtearzx (6:59:48 PM): honestly i dont know why...its just like i have this connection with the 2 of you that i've never had with a guy before...
Xhiddenxtearzx (7:00:41 PM): its weird i mean i just feel this connection with you and i feel it with anthony...i dont know exactly what it is..
SBI MEZ M86 (7:04:28 PM): yeah. I know what you mean. well, I told you you're the only person I'm able to say that about, before, so. heh. I'm glad we were able to keep this friendship, even after everything. 'cause you're a closer friend to me than most. and we have been through a lot that has connected us, as you said
Xhiddenxtearzx (7:05:33 PM): its just i feel as this is like a lifelong friendship no matter what happens...and that you'll always be there.
SBI MEZ M86 (7:06:11 PM): yeah. I think it is
Xhiddenxtearzx (7:06:22 PM): =] good.
Xhiddenxtearzx (7:09:02 PM): i'm always so happy when i get to talk to you =].
SBI MEZ M86 (7:13:28 PM): heh, same. you always are able to bring up my mood. and you're so easy to talk to
Xhiddenxtearzx (7:13:52 PM):=].
Sometime before Senior year started for high school, I decided I was going to make the most of my life as I could that year. I mean, it was my Senior year. I'm sure you know the expectations of such a year - your best of high school, yada yada, etc.
So, that's how I headed into it. I enjoyed every second of band camp as much as I could, from the marching to the yelling to the hanging with friends to the music. I asked out Laura for the second time. I really got to know and get closer to more people than I had before and really just truly appreciated how many amazing friends I really have (something which was driven so much more home when I went to college). I made the most of Prom.
Granted, I didn't go bungee jumping or anything. But I threw myself into everything I wanted to do, soaked up and enjoyed every part of any event that's been built up to be amazing or that I've come to expect to be amazing or fantastic. No regrets, no feeling sorry about things I didn't do. No worrying about the consequences or whatever. Granted, I didn't totally do all this (could you imagine me not regretting or beating myself up over the past entirely) but certainly did so to the best of my ability.
And that was the point.
As my life has gone through (major) changes and I've had to look at life differently, create more permanent certain outlooks on life - that hasn't changed all too much.
Now, as above might show, I don't mean traveling around the world when I have no way to afford it. It doesn't mean dropping my job to go do something else.
It means practical things which, given all the extra crap floating around in our lives and clogging up our energy and desire to do things, won't be dragged down and not fully enjoyed or just plain done when you don't have to not do it.
So, for example, taking a trip down to Ohio? Parents would never let me do it. I've never driven that far (or for that long) before. I would need to pay for the gas, too. I could get caught. Not to mention what if something goes wrong? My old self might've looked at these things (let's assume that my old self can drive as good as me now, however, and has all similar benefits of this age) and said, "Too much to plan. Too much that might go wrong." My new attitude's immediate response was - Let's - do - it.
See, I have this friend that I've known for roughly 4 to 5 years now. Her name's Jessica though almost everyone calls her Jessi and I call her jess.
I met jess back from an old ex of mine, Rachel. Because I am continually the epitome of cool, I was doing the really cool thing that everyone did back then (don't deny it) and had a long distance relationship online. See, Rachel lived in Ohio (which is not where I live; just, you know, so we're totally clear).
Funnily enough, Rachel and I didn't really go anywhere. As I recall, I dated her 3 days or so before I had to end it. Ironically, in that time, she happened to introduce me to jess. For whatever reason (I hardly ever bother to act first and almost always react to other people so it surprises me when I bother to pursue talking to others, especially for something as someone I met in a chatroom on AIM with my ex), jess and I developed a friendship after that first encounter.
Further more ironic, we became extremely close.
I'd have to look through old files and such to really understand how that progressed, but we talked more and more. Also just because of how jess is, I often knew exactly what was going on over there. Over time I got to know rather well even her cousins and what became a mutual friend of ours, Dillan.
I suppose that's what really helped the friendship, that I'd often get exact updates as to what was going on in terms of what people were doing, what was going on, etc. Maybe I've used AIM for so long (or, more likely, maybe I talk with so many people I see on day-to-day basises now) that I don't get such detail from people.
So, I talked to jess almost daily. Whenever she had a problem, something to complain about, or a problem that needed to be solved, I was there. We became incredibly close. So, what can I say? I fell for her. Not that I exactly realized it. But my relationship with jess, and the long and complicated history that goes with that, is a story that's really for another time. The thing to take away here is that we wound up dating; and, as the AIM conversation above might indicate, we both fell in love with each other. And that's not been something I've said lightly for 2 or 3 years now, nor something I'd say I fall easily into.
Well, to be truly cursory, we broke up. That time was a long (it's scary how far away these days seem more and more) time ago. We've talked less and less.
Not to say we're not still close. But we do talk significantly less. I'm not involved in jess's daily life, though I keep up with the major stuff (she graduated at the top of her class, got to deliver a speech to the school because of it, etc.). And, well, jess was always more of the talker while I just listened.
And, despite all of this stuff we'd been through (and we've actually been through a lot, for people living in two opposite states - she nearly died several times and I had to find her help, I've talked her through situations when she was worried about hyperventilation, and other (less threatening) stuff) - we'd still never met in person.
I mean, that was something I'm sure both of us figured would happen someday. But I couldn't possibly convince my parents to go down to Ohio, of all places, and I have no car. And I couldn't expect that she'd be able to do it, seeing as she's 2 or 3 years younger than me (depending on the time in the year).
Well, despite my patience (which my dad continually reminds me of - though, it's a bad example because, compared to him, it's very easy to be more patient), I can be quite impatient at times.
I wanted to see jess, in person, and I didn't feel like waiting anymore. Like I said, my old self would probably have said, "Woah, hold up now. I have at least 5 possible problems already. Can we think about (and only think about) this idea?" Me now said, "Can you come up with a rough, feasible plan? Life's for living, let's do it!"
Her birthday is June 10th. As a (late) birthday present, I decided to leave Saturday, the 12th, to go see her.
So, telling my parents I was going to see a friend at around 8:30-9 in the morning, I took off to go pick up my friend Mallika. And, together, we began our drive to Ohio.
That was loads of fun. I wish I had some of the pictures we had taken to post, but I'm afraid I don't. But other than that and the many (many) things we discussed (some serious, some funny) along with the music we played on the way there, it was mostly just driving (and more driving). I hope you'll understand if I'd rather not recall specifics of conversation, and such; just trust it was good fun?
Probably a statement of how close jess and I are, at first there didn't even seem to be anything weird about finally seeing her. She wasn't going to throw anything (in terms of behavior or what she'd say) at me that I wouldn't expect.
But, as we neared, I started going over all doubts and such (my mind likes to exercise all possible arguments; this isn't always helpful because it sometimes causes me to doubt otherwise sound decisions).
I mean, was I going there just because it was big and something to do, a cap to our never meeting thing? Or did I actually want to really see her? I mean, shouldn't I be more...I dunno, feel weird, than this? What would she say? I mean, we don't even talk as much as we used to. What if this ends up not being a big deal, in any way? What if it's So what? Oh, we met, big whoop. What if she isn't like I've known her, even? What if she's different in real life?
In the end, though, these thoughts were put to rest. In the end, it was still jess, the same old girl I've know for years, the same girl I've listened to so many problem upon problem, the same girl I fell in love with years ago. You could play her voice to me years later and I'll still recognize it.
And she was surprised, intensely, like I had wanted. And I cannot deny, there was something almost unreal about hugging her for the very first time. Ironically enough, as if I'd done it a million times and yet it actually was for the first time ever.
As we were waiting outside of the building where she had been having her graduation party so that we could follow her back to her house, Mallika asked me (funnily enough, for the first time since I had asked if she wanted to accompany driving with me) why I had bothered to make this 6 hour long trip to Ohio and back, at risk of being caught for going. I had figured someone would ask. And - I have a terribly unbreakable habit of playing out scenarios of daily life in my head - I had imagined how this question might go. Would it be brief? Would I end up telling the whole story, emotions and all included?
It ended up being very brief, just the outline of the story, but (in answering) I wound up really articulating why I had bothered to make such a trip. As I told Mallika how I had dated jess and mentioned how we had been through so much together - well, she's such a huge part of my life, how could I not make this trip? I'm terrible of keeping up with people (and my onslaughts of depression and unstable moods makes this so for even those I'm direly close to, no matter how close) but even years from now, we'll still be talking. I have a very strong feeling that we'll be seeing each other much more often once we get more independence.
jess is...well, jess is a lot of things, though she'll fool you and make you think she's not. And, like a lot of the really important women in my life, I'm still trying to make sense of what exactly she's done to me, how she's impacted my life.
So, I had to see her. Even if I don't do anything else this summer (ha, as if I'll allow that to happen...), I can definitely say it wasn't wasted.
My brother once said that things got better around at home when I left for college; there was less arguing. Which wouldn't surprise me. I'm driven by logic. My mother rarely uses logic. There was tension; there was clashing.
So, as we were sitting at this party today, I found myself once again trying to push how far they were willing to actually think.
I honestly don't remember how it started. But it wound up in me mentioning my major peeve: that the government actually treats suicide as a criminal offense. As I believe I said, "It's preposterous that I do not have control over the most – the most – personal thing in my possession; no one should have the right to say whether or not I wish to terminate my own life." My parents, of course, chose to differ.
Of course, they both pointed out that a person who commits suicide isn't thinking about those around them, that they know, who will miss them (not always the case, but I got what they were getting at).
Of course, that's not quite how they put it. I think it was, "It's a completely selfish act."
So, I retorted instead of bothering to say it in a way that may logically convince them, "If those that know him or her can't bother to take a moment to consider what would drive him or her to take his or her own life, then it's them who are the selfish ones for putting their own feelings ahead of the suffering of him or her." Of course, I think this is a logical enough argument, but it doesn't suit in an emotional discussion.
To which the other often-made argument was made – there's always another answer. You know, Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
They told me the same thing in Health class Sophomore year of high school. For my response paper I wrote that such a mentality was insulting in its simplicity and solved nothing. Never a permanent problem? Talk about arrogance.
In any case, their argument was that life is too precious. It's too great to just give up and that "those people" are clearly not in the right state of mind and just need to be held over until they get it. So often I want to actually believe that.
So, I was kinda stuck. Haven gotten out my retort, how do I honestly make them understand this situation? See, I know I'm kind of being an asshole as I write this right now. Sarcastic and dismissive, I'll be surprised if you've tolerated my writing thus far.
But I don't often claim to be right in things. I'll usually claim I might know better, but I almost always admit I could be wrong. My ideas now aren't what they were 2 years ago. I change, I get proven wrong. I value humility and try to live up to such an ideal.
But when I think I'm right? I don't bother with being nice about it. Because my entire life is motivated by the treatment of others. And if you disrespect that – well, I don't respect you. And, of course, I tend to write about when I'm certain I'm right on xanga more than those moments where I think I'm wrong.
See, I've been through too many suicide talks to particularly want to hear someone else lecture me on the subject. I've talked close friends up and down the depression situation and, well, there's something kind of sobering about being told that they've decided to swallow the pills anyway, despite everything you've tried saying for the past two hours. And there's something about not being able to do anything about it.
But what's even more sobering is trying to come up with words to even mount an argument when she's just looking at the bruises up and down her arms.
Or that dead feeling inside that just eats at you. See – it almost feels ridiculous saying it – I've got it lucky. Suicidal periodically throughout the year, anxiety that I can barely publicly control some days becoming more and more frequent, an inability to ever get enough sleep, and a diet that's been so badly thrown off that I don't want to eat half the time and the other half finds me hungry at the most inappropriate of times, and I've got it lucky.
Because I am operational almost all the time. I still know what it's like to be happy a majority of the day and I actually haven't attempted suicide in 4 years or so, plus I've never actually done any serious attempt to boot.
But I honestly don't think all of that really gets at how it feels to realize that you aren't really sure how to mount an argument for living for some people.
So I found myself going back to something I had heard at a talk at college last year or so. The exact facts might be off but the general idea is what to take away.
In 1950, upper class whites felt that there was equality amongst the races and that anyone could successfully move up or down economically if they wanted to.
In 1950.
Now, these probably weren't all KKK members. They were probably the average Joe or Jane, who didn't see the problems others were facing in their communities (even if those people, blacks, weren't in their communities to begin with) and, so, assumed, those problems must not exist. Same way people view equality today. It's the way privilege works.
And it's how this works.
Of course life is precious to you. And, for you Mom, there probably is another answer.
But I can honestly say that I don't fear death these days anymore. I'm not bothered if I died tonight. Slightly saddened, maybe, but not bothered. It's, really, just another path to take.
Because, while I'm not counting on committing suicide any day soon and would choose to live than otherwise, I'm not fully convinced that living is the smarter, more sane, or less painful choice.
At the end of the day, my reasoning is that if the end will be waiting for me no matter what and it'll be the same no matter what, why not make the most of this? It's waiting for me. I'll get there. I've only got this life for so long.
And that's good reasoning. But that doesn't make living better. It hinges on me not knowing which will be better in the end.
And so I don't fear death.
And, yes, it'll be terrible that my friends and family should have to suffer my going. For those who've seen far too many suicides than I'd like them to (not to mention those I've talked out of suicide numerous times...), it'd be awful.
And maybe it helps that I think we're going to the same place in the end, so I'm not really bothered (though I am saddened) if either of us go early.
Maybe it's my pesky emotional distance (whether I want it or not) cropping up again, though I doubt it.
Or maybe it's the simple fact that happiness...it's so brief for me. It's great and all. And, as people say, isn't worth it? But I find myself, as the days go on, taking after those who live in the moment. Enjoy it. Find it precious. Look forward to it.
But it's just a moment.
See, happiness is fleeting for me. It doesn't last. It can't. My "normal" is set on depressed. Happy moments are like shooting stars. Was it great? You betcha. Would you take it back? No way. Can you survive off of the thrill of seeing shooting stars?
No.
Do I think life should be given a shot?
YES.
I think it should be given every shot. Follow my logic I gave you above. I'd rather go through life and say at the end, "That SUCKED – but I made the most of it, no regrets."
But it is selfish and arrogant to assume that it's so easy for everyone as "It's just a temporary problem."
No.
I've seen pain I never want to look upon again – not from myself but other people suffering through it. And I wish, I so wish, I could just swoop in with the answers. But I don't have the answers.
So don't tell me that living is the better choice. Only that person knows that. And, regardless of who's right or personal opinions, they should always get to make that choice themselves.
To quote the Suicide FAQ, "The most basic difference in opinion between me and those who have mailed me telling me I'm a monster, seems to be that they think that death is an inherently Bad Thing, while I don't."
But that's neither here nor there. This isn't really about my own opinion or stance. Point is, it's their life and their own suffering.
You don't get to make that choice.
This whole "sleeping" and "doing things on time" thing I need to get better at....
So, I was doing a quick update look on everyone before heading to bed and happened to be looking through some icons from http://ycant-heloveme.xanga.com/. As I was looking, I had one of those moments where you have a familiar feeling, often that was associated with something particular.
For whatever reason (okay, that's slightly stupid to say; most of the icons had, in some fashion, something to do with "love" but that it was this particular feeling that arose struck me by surprise), it was that feeling of being in a relationship you're eager to be in, that's important and dear to you, yet you really don't know how long it'll last, that apprehension and blatant chance.
It was weird. I guess the best way to explain is that I knew it'd take a while so I decided to put on something to listen to.
Largely due to my sister wanting it, I had recently gotten Michael Bublé's "Haven't Met You Yet". If you haven't heard it yet, it's this ridiculously upbeat and optimistic song. I know that my cousin seems to find my high critique of art these days as a strain of pretentiousness, but the song is optimism in the fashion that only Pop could mass produce. While undeniably catchy (and, I'm learning, rather impressive in terms of the instrumentation), it basically widdles down the pursuit for a mate to the notion that, in the end, everything will be okay because (unfailingly) the right person will come along in the end - he just hasn't met them yet.
So, I put this on for a little ear candy as I finish up my update checking. And almost immediately the mood was killed.
Well, odd. I've used upbeat songs for browsing depressing icons late at night while feeling utterly awful to good use before. Why should it not work this time? The mood certainly wasn't a depressing one. It was ticklingly pleasant, actually.
So, I stop the song and go back over those icons, seeing if I can get back the feeling.
Well, yes, it was definitely a happy feeling, even if slitheringly so. It was one of hope, most definitely. That kind of impending apprehension, as I said before; like you know you're possibly entering something really fucking great, and you're eager to begin.
Yet there was something else there too. Like I said, apprehension. A hesitance, an almost fear.
As I said above, "you really don't know how long it'll last, that[...]blatant chance." And yet...
I wasn't turned off by this notion.
Which, really, was beyond odd to me. Loss, in most cases, is not considered a good thing by the sane-minded. Naturally, security in that you won't lose something tends to go with that.
It was in the way I was just reading the icons, really, that gives it away. Just look at that last icon, reread that first sentence as if you don't know what the answer will be. And yet the entire time you know that, hey, just possibly, it's likely the answer you want it to be.
And that high so drives you, despite you knowing it could decide to kick itself out from under you when it pleases. Against your instinctual judgement, you pursue after it.
But it's also that returned act. That feeling when they respond, when they actually respond to that request for a kiss, when you actually take that chance and it happens to work out as you wanted.
It's that concept of trust - and, shit, that someone actually cared enough to do as you trusted them to. It's an astounding feeling. And, really, far more accurate a one than "Haven't Met You Yet" gets at (I can only guess that this was the reason the mood dissipated as soon as I started playing the song). I've said this before in an adequate enough way, but I seem to find it important enough to repeat (or I wouldn't have bothered to write this post (admittedly, I nearly decided I didn't need to)): no, you have no guarantee that she or he will be magically waiting for you before the end; Hell, you have no guarantee that you'll even end up with someone you'll be happy with.
Again, I will strongly argue, the really cool and amazing and arresting (and terrifying and mind-fucking) thing about relationships is that concept that suddenly half of the control is just gone. It's not just you anymore – you have to rely on someone else's actions.
Now, of course, it's a little easier to look back fondly on this concept from the perspective of it working (i.e. these icons I've listed above). It's far less pleasant to speak kindly of this trust concept when it turns out that it didn't work, that the relationship is actually ending (whether in flames or calmly).
Yet it's really not fully avoidable. Any relationship you enter – it probably won't work out. You're almost amusingly naïve if you think otherwise. And, to be frank, you're childish if you think that every break up will absolutely be their fault; only my mother seems to find that the actual act of breaking up is a crime. People are allowed not to like you.
And yet – I like that feeling. For all its risks, it's likelihoods of falling through – there's absolutely something about taking that risk on someone, of actually feeling like such a myriad of possibilities as a successful relationship might possibly work out for you. It's that, "Hey, they returned my affection –they're interested in me," surprised fuzziness.
To be honest, it's far more satisfying a feeling than the notion that someone is out there who is right for you, you've just got to wait along enough.
Sure, I've got more at stake – but, like I've said many many times before (and probably will many many times throughout the rest of my life), the personality is so fascinating a thing. And the emotions and complexity of the human is all too endearing. Resting that trust in someone and all the many many things that means and the many many things that goes with that risk – I'd much rather have that.
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