Who is the one person you just can't live without? What makes this person so special to you?

It's a cheapshot answer, but my friends. They made me who I am and continually define me. They're my teachers and my reason to believe in humanity.   

I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

If I'm to die for a reason, let it be because I did not do enough.

Why do we dream, Erin? I feel like I'm lying, sometimes.

Well, John Henry was a little baby
Sittin' on his daddy's knee
He picked up a hammer and a little piece of steel
And cried, "Hammer's gonna be death of me, Lord, Lord,
     Hammer's gonna be the death of me"

Now, the captain, he said to John Henry,
"I'm gonna bring that steam drill around
I'm gonna bring that steam drill out on these tracks
I'm gonna knock that steel on down, God, God,
     I'm gonna knock that steel on down"

John Henry told his captain,
"Lord, a man ain't nothin' but a man
But, before I let that steam drill beat me down,
I'm gonna die with a hammer in my hand, Lord, Lord,
     I'll die with a hammer in my hand"

John Henry driving on the right side,
That steam drill driving on the left
Says, "'Fore I let your steam drill beat me down,
I'm gonna hammer myself to death, Lord, Lord,
     I'll hammer my fool self to death"

John Henry said to his shaker,
"Shaker, why don't you sing?
'Cause I'm swingin' thirty pounds from my hips on down

John Henry, he hammered in the mountains
His hammer was striking fire
But he worked so hard, it broke his heart
John Henry laid down his hammer and died, Lord, Lord,
     John Henry laid down his hammer and died

Well now, John Henry, he had him a woman
By the name of Polly Ann
She walked out to those tracks and picked up John Henry's hammer
Polly drove steel like a man, Lord, Lord,
     Polly drove that steel like a man

John Henry hammering on the mountain
As the whistle blew for half past two
The last word I heard him say,
"Captain, I've hammered my insides in two, Lord, Lord,
     I've hammered my insides in two
I say, I've hammered my insides in two, Lord, Lord,
     I've hammered my insides in two"

Well, me and Tommy have had our first fight, I think, since becoming friends. Ironically enough, it was over Rachel. Honestly, keep an eye on that girl. She needs all the support she can get from all the people she can get it from. And, Tommy, you were a fantastic idiot tonight. "You're just a kid; you only have school to worry about." Oh, fucking shove it; you have no living clue.

It was a good day, up to the end where all visible lines smeared. "Why can't life be easy?" Free will and luck. Yet even I could say that's a pretty crap-ass answer. There is an afterlife, there is an afterlife, there is an afterlife.... (that's my brand of humor, btw)

I had a ton I wanted to say in this entry and now I can't think of anything. Oh well.

You know, I honestly think Tommy is very smart and incredibly insightful. But he makes so many rash and not smart decisions way too often. Gotta love the kid anyway, though.

I was talking to this pretty cool today when I went to see my friend. We were discussing parenting (which was actually intensely amusing) and she mentioned that she wouldn't be ready because it means living for someone else and not just yourself, something she was not at all ready for yet. And I responded, "Well, yes, but aren't you already living for others?" And I already knew the distinction before saying it, though. It's your viewpoint on life - are you thinking about how you ought to be justly treated or are you thinking how you should justly act towards each person? I wouldn't be ready for a kid at this point - it's physically impossible to keep after the child when I'm struggling to take after myself at the moment.

I attended Mass today because Father Caster will be gone tomorrow. And the times for St. Patrick's are far too early for me to even hope to wake up on time Sunday. It was really nice. I was watching the alter servers, because (having done it for God knows how many years and having had to often be the one to instruct the younger kids on how to do it (more than often my brother and sister)) I like to see how they do, whether they seem to be enjoying the job. It's honestly one of the only things I can really say my mother did right, making me join alter serving. I love it. It has something to do with the Catholic church as well but when you're walking down that aisle it just becomes you're in control. One of those few places where, yeah, there're probably a ton of eyes on me and yet I'm in my own place, just feeling in myself, "I'm home."

You're lucky, Tommy. You know what you want, clearly - even know how to go about it, relatively.

Dark weekends in the sun
     out on Chelsea rode
Descending the stairs
     Ah, Frankie, my world
Check your makeup in the mirror
     C'mon, babe, let's go
We'll dance 'round this dirty town
     'til the night is all done

Let all the finer things sleep alone tonight
Let all the minor kings lose their thrones tonight
Don't worry 'bout us baby,
     we'll be alright...
-Bruce Springsteen

I'll have to show you Gurnee sometimes. Gages Lake, the Woodland schools, Grays Lake - Hell, even Warren Township. Oh, and library. Geez, that library could be a bibliophile's dream (alright, maybe it's just satisfactory, but I'm nostalgic at the moment...).

I don't exactly know why but it was always like even the most frequented of places had so much nature maintained. There're just fields next to that library. And the park, next to the youth center, was always fun to just bike ride out to. There's trails and trails of confusing and unknown neighborhoods to ride through. Occasionally you'd get to just a pile of dirt to ride all over from some construction. Or you'd just get to a nature preserve, tranquil and quiet. And the Gurnee mall, of course. Not nearly as utterly satisfying to trail around all day with a friend in as the mall in Evanston (I've gotta take you there someday as well. Northwestern, the park, just the neighborhoods...).

I dunno. There was something about Gurnee that was just capturing. A peace that only nature could give you yet is unending in its empty parking lots and empty buildings. Just gotta see it.

You were in a dream of mine, Lizzie. I can't remember the whole of it anymore (which irritates me to no end) but, of course, I waited until several days after the fact to post it; plus, I couldn't remember it in entirety the same day either....

In any case, I'm on some train. I don't know why; all I know is that I am. It's going away from home, or maybe just a departure from (for we return at the end). In any case, you show up on the train after it's been traveling for a while. I find out you just left home (or whatever you were supposed to do for the day) and caught this train to spend the day with me (I've just realized this train is long - imagine the Hogwarts Express but like a Metra train - and we're the only ones of it; the logic of dreams, I suppose).

We spend most of the day traveling. I think the train took us to different places and (in theory) we visited said places, but my recollection is only of us directly inside the train. I do remember the conductor shows up at one point. We're sitting around in the same room as he's driving. For the life of me, I can't remember what the conductor says but he insults you at some point. I immediately respond, "Not in the the least" very tersely (or something along those lines). I believe you say something afterwards, but I can't remember (are you noticed a theme so far?). Perhaps to diffuse the situation - perhaps to tell the conductor off further.

In any case, in the end, we've got to go home. I think my parents pick me up (ugh, how fitting...) while we leave you at a pick up location for your parents to pick you up. We say some goodbyes (which, of course, I cannot remember). Then, dream ends.

What is it about night that's so frighteningly alluring? It makes us thrive, though it hurts with every second that passes by. Maybe we can bare ourselves to a judge-less place. Or, more likely, it just is an enrapturing thing of its own being.

I feel liberated in it, wanting to shed tears in futile or rock myself with emotion in blind hope. Does life come with a price?

I've had this sickly urge for sugar today. I go a full few weeks avoiding soda and eating relatively healthily (when actually eating) and then, almost out of no where, I feel the need to down 2 bottles of orange soda and a butt load of candy. Oh well.

Can't remember if I wanted to say much else. Need to finish paper.... Hope you all enjoy New York. I expect stories and pictures.

This'll be a slight way to check how many of you still read this thing, largely because I know some of you no longer update yet still receive updates. And I never bother to remove any of my old subscriptions.

So, basically, I've had this layout since I got my xanga. If you didn't know, I greatly dislike change unless something is faulty; thus, I won't change anything, even if it no longer has any use. This is largely the reason some random papers and stuff end up staying stashed places for years on end - being a packrat is a full time job.

However, I do have another layout which I whipped up entirely on my own which (I think) is quite good. It's a tad bit more descriptive of me in the way it looks.

Yet, there are a lot of things I like about this one. One, it's the original. I like the contrast of having Eminem as the focus (along with his songs and alias in the rotating words below the picture) and then having Ozzy playing in the background. The Ozzy song also has a history for me. It's one of my favorite songs and my favorite "romantic" song (which, of course, is the type of contradiction I love, considering the singer is Ozzy Osbourne). I also like the blue (and some white) on black. I mean, overall, it's not a bad layout. Plus, it's rather simple, when all's said and done; I like simplicity, to an extent.

On the other hand, I don't think Em is my second favorite artist anymore. I haven't listened to his stuff in ages. Plus, I haven't changed my profile picture in years. Heh, it's still from when the Band went to San Antonio. And if I keep this layout, I'm not changing it. If I change this layout, I'm not replacing it with a human profile pict.

So, while I don't want to get rid of this layout, I kind of want to use the other one. Thus, I've decided to let you guys decide. I'll put it to a vote. If I get no more than 3 votes, the election's considered void and no change is made.

Just comment and tell me whether I should change or not. However, I have two versions of the background for the new layout, so if you vote change, leave a 1 or 2 (1 for the first picture I show after this, or 2 for the second).

My biggest struggle, I think, is staying content. I can't say if that's always been the case, but it seems to be now.

There's a permeance of discontent which never seems to leave. If you want the truth, hope - as it usually translates - is something I've stopped believing in, for myself.

Maybe it's just the journey or the idea that when certain things which I enjoy in a life are put in motion, but I crave it. Like all joys, it falls unnoticed in abundance...yet maddening in withdrawal. Rachies_Icons had a rather good entry today. I think it may have been the hope, there. Heh, the stories you could've unraveled from those pictures. The possibility and potential.

Maybe that's why I point it out so direly, the potential in others. It's a goal, a journey...and it's not likely to end soon. I hate the endings, the finite aspect of it all...there's nothing left to change. It unravels and becomes moot.

I need those things I hold so dearly...things which I cannot doubt their value...close and tight friendships because, perhaps, it simply keeps me from that discontent. Maybe that discontent is simply to botched hormones that have nothing better to do with themselves, making me fuel those known things I detest. I don't know. But I no longer bother expecting rest...perhaps if ever.

It's almost odd - not at all that long ago, I kept people at an arm's length. Let me talk and associate with you socially but don't enter. Don't expect natural effort from me; something in me would rather the distance. And I don't think it's suddenly forged that I give a shit, beyond doing something simply because I know it's the right thing. But in the same way that logic cannot deny what I ought to do and therefore I do it, logic cannot deny that connection is of worth and value. Perhaps that is what fuels the effort. Either way, I'm happy I'm willing to work for whatever will give me a salve.

The E-mail subscriptions, I think, randomly stopped working. And no warning or heed from xanga. I'd be disappointed, but it's almost like it's a small website unknown social network again. For those who check, next entry: Disney movies.

Why is it that people get so touchy over suicide? I mean, yes, I get those who think it's "wrong" and "morally immature" but people are just squeamish about it.

In rating a movie, they felt the need to add drug use (antidepressants) and suicide along with "extremely graphic sex".

Seriously?

We've all been there or seen someone who's been there, for the most part. Don't be naïve about it. I don't know how we can be fine with people being mulled down by machine guns and yet scream and run at suicide (something, I would argue, is far more likely to happen than the next Columbine).

I hate to sound ungrateful...but I have that feeling of discontent. I've hung out with three dear friends of mine today (all of which I have the highest opinions for and enjoy the company of)...yet I am discontent. Which, if you were to ask me, is the epitome of...well, among other things, pointlessness.

I have no reason to complain at the moment - done with finals, break, and plenty of people who give a shit about me (God bless their souls). But I feel a bit pointless, truth be taken.

Yes, yes, you all know, I feel like I have to be driven by a point and reason. But it is rather awful, when it comes to. I suppose that old fear that lurks in all our minds - were we to have everything perfect...would we still be happy?

I'm used to the assembly line. Get it done - that's it. I can get by. Hell, I've gotten by on 19 years of life. Living is easy - surviving is easy. Enjoying it is the hard part.

And yet just this entry is making me feel better (sadistic, I know). Maybe it's the aspect of thinking, being introspective. Maybe it's that the topic is depressing and somehow I get a sick normalcy (I would say pleasure, but that's not the highlight of it really - it's feeling right for once and not feeling off: normalcy) out of anything dark and dreary and downing.

Something is saying it isn't right. Feeling normal shouldn't be a fleeting experience and just getting by shouldn't be my main priority. But perhaps that's just society's view and they happen to be wrong. Who is to say?

So, what made me venture into this odd little thought?

Well, one, the opening paragraph - I should leave friends with a slightly more fulfilling feeling, but maybe that's just me. And, two, because my biggest drive (purpose...), usually, in life is helping others.

I'd give you the damn world, if I could, I can guarentee that. But how am I to tell anyone it'll be alright, hang in there, things pick up...if I can't exactly guarentee it for myself?

Sad, pitiful, little issue, ain't it?

As I sigh...that entry solved nothing, didn't it? Hope you're all doing well.