Family

  • I was going to say I've said before I really like discussions, about just anything, but I actually can't remember if I've really mentioned that here. I suppose it means little to say those statements considering there's probably only one person reading this thing still that's read it since even just high school (or knows me well enough to recognize the trait in me regardless of whether they've read it on here or not).

    Anyway, point is that I enjoy discussions. I like ideas and I like wrestling with concepts. Besides, as I know I've harped on over and over again before, I love personalities and any discussion is bound to tell you something about a person, let alone the argument the individual decides to take. Unfortunately, though, most people won't take you up on discussing a topic. Well, except maybe Connor, I'm finding more and more each time I talk to him.

    My brother, however, has the same kind of thirst for mental engagement that I do. The only real problem with this is that we tend to agree on most things, more often than not. So, often enough, our "conversations" turn into agreeing with how much we agree on a particular topic - or ranting, considering how much the topic infuriates us.

    The one thing we have continued to not agree on, however, is morality. I'm a moral absolutist, while he takes the route of moral relativism. I should, at this point, make clear that when I saw moral relativism, I do not mean of the kind that says, "In certain situations, certain moral concepts apply differently." For example, if you have the moral requirement You Shall Not Kill, that holds true if you just feel like killing someone but you would not be held guilty if you killed someone during the act of self-defense. Regardless the fact that any morality that's that rigid is idiotic (a debate we can pursue at a later time), that's not my brother's philosophy (or, at least, it might be but that would only be coincidental here). Rather, he believes that there is no real morality, only what people have decided as morality; in other words, what makes something particularly evil or good other than what people have said is good or evil? There's just things which are helpful to people or hurt people, not really morality.

    You might ask how we've come to such a concept (since it isn't, to my knowledge, the way most people think about morality). Basically, both my brother and I are secularists. So, if there is, indeed, a god, then ze dictates what is right or wrong. There, done. Morality in a nutshell. Of course, what if there isn't a god? Does morality go to shit? Can I go and steal anything I want? Can I commit adultery? Will the world IMPLODE?!

    Scary thoughts.

    As I said above, I would answer, "No." Morality is independent of god, I would argue. Being the religious one of the two of us, I'd in fact say that morality is dictated by god; the entire purpose of a god/gods dictating morality is because ze/they are supposed to watching over us. Of course, that in itself could lead on to many other fascinating discussions and then even more when you consider the concept of a god/gods not dictating a proper morality. However, I'll try not to splinter like I usually do.

    My brother, on the other hand, would respond that there, indeed, is no morality. I'd say I'm guessing at this point, but I imagine he would say that people would likely come together, realizing they dislike being hurt/whatever and then construct a society that matches this. And, what do you know, isn't that kinda what our society is like? I think he'd argue that the fact that there is no morality is not an invitation or argument for lawlessness but simply a statement of fact. How can something be good or evil unless something commands it to be so? I mean, what we fall back towards is having to define good and evil and then defining why particular actions are so, if they even are. Or maybe even more simply than that, why should we not kill someone? Why is it something we shouldn't do? What makes it, to counter my own argument, universally a thing we shouldn't do? After all, if such moors and concepts of good/evil change over time and from culture to culture, are they really as inherently bad as we see them now or are they only so terrible in our time, in our society?

    It's a hard argument to counter, I'll most certainly give him that. One, in fact, that I wasn't sure I could counter half the times we debated the topic. Yet, he pushed me to parse it out, and I believe I've come to a conclusive counter argument to bring our debate to a close. So, dear brother, here is my answer - hopefully for good (both he and I have a taste for hyperbolic language and winding and long speech too, I admit...).

     

    Let me start by saying that I think all human labels are social constructions. The world comes to us as is and then we make labels and containments for everything. However, that doesn't make everything any less real, right? This isn't a new concept and one we'd all readily recognize if we were to think of any time we've had a conversation with someone where we didn't define something the same way. "You define a hand as having five fingers? I simply call something a hand if it's able to hold something." Okay, the realism of my example is being stretched here. But it makes a very valid point. For humans, there physically is a thing, for most, which has five of what we call fingers and a very specific shape and make up. The particular specifics may vary (size, size of knuckle, etc.) but certainly something of a similar and universal makeup physically exists. As such, we've come up with a name for such an physical thing that, generally speaking, has five finds and is attached to what we call a wrist - a hand. The name may change, it may alter over time (due to evolution or otherwise), and it may have deformations, but it still is real, exists, and is actual.

    So, our labels can be used to define a specific thing. They can become more specific (for example, including size to specify Jill's hand) or less specific (to define an appendage), but they talk about something which is concretely real. Of course, they can become abstract and, as such, more subjective (do we consider a paw to be a hand as well or, at least, similar to a hand) but that does not remove the actuality of either a paw or hand. The words "paw" and "hand" simply are our way of defining these actual things.

    Of course, labels can sometimes be insufficient. When I say, "Race is a social construction," I guess I really don't mean that race doesn't exist. I simply think it's a poor thing to label. Yes, people have different skin colors. This is readily clear. But is it even useful to use such categorizations in this present day as "black" and "white" when so many are, for example, being multiracial? Or when we consider that just a century ago the Irish were considered to be "another race" before the concept of a monolithic "white race" was established? Or when some (I hate to point fingers, but here's looking at you Italians (or Greeks, really)) seem dark enough to be questionably "white"? Or perhaps we just have, for centuries of time, done a sloppy job of defining race, seeing as often things beyond just skin color are taken into consideration, such as nose size and shape or shape of jaw (yes, I'm going old-school racist here). Or how about the many ways ethnicity and race tend to be conflated (so that, for the longest time, I had no friggin' idea what either stupid thing was). Let's be honest - "race", whatever that ambiguous label is, is a poor means of measuring things.

    But that does not remove the existence of those physical things such as skin color or nose shape.

    Of course, these are all items we can literally grasp. What about abstract concepts? Do they function the same way? Well, is there an action that actually exists under the label of killing?

    Yes. Yes there is.

    So, here is my argument: perhaps morality is poorly defined. Perhaps the definition has changed from culture to culture. Perhaps the word didn't have any meaning to a particular culture but historians, recognizing certain trends in the culture that fit under their vague and general definition of morality, gave certains actions and customs this label in the history books.

    My point is, let's abandon the labels for a second. A very difficult and confusing way to talk about things, yes, but bear with me. So morality is undefined. We know things like jelly are already defined. So we can probably agree (assuming you don't want to redefine things at the moment) that morality isn't going to define anything like that. Likewise, certain abstract concepts are defined (such as the act of killing or the concept of philosophy or logic). So, we know that morality has to be defined as something specific generally. And, I would argue, we would find that (to be general enough) morality is always defined as (or at least pertaining to) the ways we should or should not act towards people. Should we do this or do that? Given the need to define both good and evil to include this definition, I won't say what is good or evil. But what we should or shouldn't do.

    Alright, workable definition. We're making progress.

    The next question, of course, is how do we make a decision about what we should or shouldn't do? And here, of course, is where we enter into many different wonderful arguments. Should it concern what allows a society to survive the longest? Should it pertain to how the action makes a person feel? Why or why not for all of these?

    And it is here that I will not provide some concrete example to guide us. After all, the question this argument is trying to settle is not "What should be the right morality?" but simply "Can there be a universal morality?". I will simply say that once a morality that guides what our actions should or should not be in daily life is chosen, we can move on.

    Of course, this still allows for multiple moralities, yes? I define morality one way, they define it a different way. Same problem we had at the beginning of this discussion.

    My argument is that such moralities would be first determined by the worthwhile-ness of their Whys. As I said above, "Should [morality] concern what allows a society to survive the longest? Should it pertain to how the action makes a person feel? Why or why not for all of these?" The Why. For example, you might argue that everyone's actions should focus around making you happy and only you, regardless of how it effects anyone else. However, you would probably have a difficult time justifying how that form of morality has any use for anyone else outside of you and how it makes any logical sense as pertanent to anyone else in terms of why they should or should not do certain actions.
    (you could probably ask why use enters into this discussion, to which I would counter back that morality would then have no point whatsoever if not to rest upon its use to you. Basically, why you should or should not do something either has no use that's derived from it or benefit or result and then it's basically pointless, or there's a reason we should do it, whether that reason be personal benefit for every individual or to keep the planet from dying, etc. But, as you can see, there needs to be some use or reason for its existance. We then decide which reason is the best)

    The Why decided, we must then commence with defining our basic actions (and then complex actions) around this particular focus of this morality. Of course, you could easily counter back that this isn't how morality generally works. Interesting concept. Does morality have to circle around a particular point? Or does it just have to instruct us on what to do and what not to do? Or, could that particular point simply be "God told us so"?

    And it is here that I must appease to logic. If you choose not to use logic, sure, fine. That's your personal choice. And if you choose to engage in a morality that does not follow logic, that - again - is your personal choice. But if you choose to transgress outside of a morality that follows logic, those who follow this logical morality are in the right to prosecute you since their morality has a purpose which is of some use (see argument two paragraphs above for each morality following logic having a use). "Why is theirs superior?" you might ask. And I would allow you to argue your case but, alas, that requires logic. And, were you to concede this and enter into logic to make you argument, you would instantly defunct your morality given that it does not adhere to logic and therefore fails in logic.

    So, working within the confines of logic, we can agree that something which follows logic must have a justification for why it works. Given that we defined morality as what we should or should not do, our morality should focus around some reason for our actions which justifies that basic tenant (what we should or should not do), likely found in the Why.

    So, back to two paragraphs ago: we must then commence with defining our basic actions (and then complex actions) around this particular focus of this morality. And the final justification to clear out any conflicting points is that our morality must follow logic too. Therefore, having a commandment "You shall not kill" and yet also having a commandment to kill anyone born with only one leg just for the Hell of it would not make sense and, therefore, be defunct in a morality. Given that moralities should have a specific purpose, such illogical points should be striken. We might also argue, then, that there isn't a satisfiable reason as to kill people with only one leg. Perhaps it doesn't match the purpose of the morality (really, the purpose of all moralities, given that only one would be chosen after logically assessing all of the Whys for the various moralities).

    If we do that, we must logically come to an all encompassing morality that reaches a point. Even if there are some things we decide people can individually decide whether to do or not to do, we are still agreeing that it isn't something that should be repremanded either way. Every action is chosen whether or not to be looked down on or not. By logical deduction, we can come up with a completely superior morality.

    And this is what we mean by an absolute morality. It is a morality that makes complete sound sense logically and that answers the only question that morality can point to (of course, it doesn't matter if our word for morality changes for the question is still there and can be answered, as I explained at the beginning of this).

    An absolute morality exists, Quod Erat Demonstrandum.

  • I occasionally have a taste for theatrics.

    I personally blame it on attending such a secular institution, really.

  •  

    Finding the right person to date, for me, tends to be a more...complicated affair than I ever like. See, fundamentally, even regardless of any other possible traits, there is always a particular trait that I want that, in essence, tends to be (what I feel is) a reflection of myself - I want complexity. Not in the most general sense but in that you near contradict yourself.

    As both Laura and jess are a testament to, I tend to prefer someone with an incredibly engagable personality, most often articulated in a public personality that is often completely agreeable. In fact, it often borders on being mistaken for being simplistic and, by extension, stupid (which, really, makes far more sense than you might initially assume; if people were to look only at my sense of humor, I'm either the driest individual you may come by or, on the other side of the spectrum, a complete asshole who completely banks on shock value for any sort of reaction or poor sex jokes. Focus on one aspect of anyone and you miss the possible complexity of their personality. This is just more easy a crime to commit since the public personality is the one we see of a person most often and, for some, entirely).

    However, you'd be a fool (and also a bit of an ass) to assume as much. Get to know the person and they're utterly intelligent, often troubled, very much self-aware (ironically, even if they themselves aren't aware of it), etc.

    And it's often such specificity that screws me over. I need someone who's patient enough and able to push me enough to deal with my intense shyness. At the same time, I need someone shy enough to not be domineering and to allow me take a leading role as well.

    I want someone who actually challenges me. If I can sum them up easily (and, with so many people, that isn't that difficult), there's a problem. Which, in and of itself, often implies constant contradiction. Passionate, yet able to be subdued when appropriate in certain situations. Have to be independent and able to stand on their own, yet not optimally happy that way so they need someone to lean on and get support from (hence a huge component on most relationships). Someone jaded enough to not be happy-go-lucky yet willing to believe there's more out there. Like I've said before here, I need a dreamer. I need someone who feels that utterly pull to chase something. If you're not looking forward, you'll clash heavily with my own personality.

     

    And part of that is what I feel is a huge problem - I need someone, in a sense, who is troubled.

    I have clinical depression, along with a..."pleasant" childhood. I have a taste for the warped. The dark and dreary is not something which will not forever be a component of my life. As I've said before here, I don't plan to - and probably couldn't - cut that out of my life.

    I like more extreme things. While I often being incredibly straight-lace in almost anything, I can look at things with a fascinated impartiality (I told my cousin, off a random thought, yesterday to try reading Catcher In the Rye but with Holden having a sexual crush on Phoebe, largely to just gross out my cousin, but also because the perversity of such a reading actually being possible is intriguing, when you really think about it). And that impartiality, as well as a bit of my hyperbolic sense of humor, is partially how I approach the world.

    I don't want to hold back.

    And I don't want to necessarily fall into old conventions about things but would rather explore something and decide for myself what to think of it all.

    I'm being far too vague but I couldn't put things into more specific a way without going into specific examples, at which point things would be so specified that we'd need many examples in order to cover everything I'm talking about in every different case they might show up as.

     

    My point is - pain, suffering, disillusionment, fear, even anger, are all very human. And while I don't want to be yelled at, I do want to see all of those things. You cannot possibly be completely un-traumatized by some point in your life or even your present. Share that. It's a part of you. Plus to be devoid of such things is boring.

    People are messy. People are not perfect and they're incapable of being packaged in these nice little boxes.

    Do not try to shove yourself into one of them. Frustration can be endearing and it's not something I don't want to deal with.

    While, yes, being happy and getting along and being enjoyable is nice, that's not all of who we are. And, I guess, what I'm trying to say...you're more interesting that way so why hide it? Why deal with it in private.

    I want someone who's able to control themselves and yet can be a mess. I want fucking complexity. Be varied, be vast, be radiant.

  • Alright, I generally try to be tempered with politics. If it isn't gay rights related and it doesn't involve inane, regressive social policies (keep your abstinance only education out of me and my siblings' schools), I tend to be live and let live. When it comes to economic issues, I admit my own general ignorance and try to listen and learn from anyone. And, as I've said many times before, I hate how politics tears apart people who are otherwise friends and how it causes fighting. I don't want to fight and I don't want to degrade. So, I try to stay tempered.

    The issue? I quite secretly (okay, maybe half secretly) love politics. It's something over the past 3 years or so that I've tried to strengthen. And so, of course, I can't possibly not form an opinion around it (even if said opinion is hesitant and vague).

    Though, admittedly, while the recent election results more than infuriate me, I still offer my congrats to my fellow conservative Americans to their victory. And, were it simply a matter of economic conservatives coming out in droves to vote their opinion, I might reside myself to non-hindering and unoffensive grumbling off in the corner.

    But let's be honest, that's not why the Dem majority got ousted. It was people fed up with the job they perceive Obama to be doing. And, were it often reasonable objections, I – again – might not be so angry at the moment. No matter which way I twist it, high spending will never look appealing to an economic conservative. I understand that's liberal economics (well, technically conservative, but I'm not talking liberal economics in the classical, laissez-faire sense, clearly). However, to complain that Obama is the worst president ever??? As I said some post before – I've ceased to have any intellectual respect for you (also, if you really think the Nazis were proper socialism in any sense of the term, please shoot yourself. They hated the communists, too; stop twisting history to fit your agenda. There, Godwin's law, I thought I'd get it out on the table). 

    So, this is not aimed at conservatives. This is to my liberal brothers and sisters who have said that Obama has not done enough or anything at all. This is not a debate of whether conservative or liberal policy is better. This is purely from a liberal standpoint (whether it's good or bad, I have to admit – cut me and I bleed blue).

    As I've said countless times on here, I didn't like Obama at first. He seemed to be another Clinton – "I'll say whatever it takes to get elected." Well, I was partially right. Obama is pure politics and, to somewhat of a degree, he knows how to work politics. The difference between him and Clinton? Obama actually works it to get the policies he promised done.

     

    I keep hearing, "What has Obama done, what has he done?"

    How about financial reform requiring lenders to verify applicants' credit history, income, and employment status, allowing shareholders of publicly traded companies to actually vote on executive pay, and prohibiting banks from engaging in proprietary trading?

    The elephant in the room (no, not that elephant) but I'll say it anyway - fucking government public health care!!! (okay, not really. But damn well closer to the ideal thing) Ever since my economics teacher in Junior year of high school was completely baffled that Canada had perfectly functioning public health care and we didn't, I've been in total support. I mean, progressives have been wanting this since Teddy. Obama did it.

    What does that really mean? Extending health coverage to 32 million uninsured Americans, for one. It also cuts prescription drug cost for those on medicare by 50%. I'm partially parroting, but it also means, starting in 2014, insurance giants will be banned from denying coverage based on pre-existing conditions and from imposing annual caps on benefit payouts. Which, of course, also means not having to wait until they near death and then using government funds to save those in the ER who are uninsured. "As of September, insurance companies can no longer arbitrarily revoke coverage for those who get sick. Children with existing illnesses can no longer be denied insurance. Younger Americans can stay on their parents' policies until they're 26. And 1 million elderly citizens are receiving checks for $250 to fill the gap in Medicare's coverage of prescription drugs." And? Accomplishing "all this while extending the solvency of Medicare by a dozen years and cutting the deficit by $143 billion over the next decade."

    Yes, we didn't get the public option. In fact, Obama used that as a bargaining chip so that, when the bill was whittled down for compromise, we'd still have something to rejoice over. Harsh? Yes. But – we still got it!! Remember how hard a battle (even WITH an f-ing Democratic majority in both chambers!) it was? As a friend of mine had said, Clinton would have taken some sort of compromise rather than fighting for it.

    What else?

    Providing $12.2 Billion in new funding for Individuals With Disabilities Education Act?

    Hell, he's also supported getting the Matthew Shepard act passed and extended benefits to same-sex partners of federal employees for his administration. He's also given more coverage and voice to the gay, bi, and Trans community than it's received from just about any president since Clinton (and we all remember how that turned out, don't we?). Hell, the man's appointed more openly gay officials than any other president in US historyand a transgender woman ('bout time the Trans community got more public, official attention; it's still small steps (did my pathetic hyphen and specificity not tip you off?)...but they're big and necessary steps).

    Should I get started on the stimulus plan? No, I won't even. I'll just highlight how he saved the auto industry from tanking. Some say he should have let them go bankrupt – because apparently the part builders and dealerships that would undoubtedly have suffered on top of just GM and Chrysler and have resulted in the loss of more than 1 million jobs isn't all that big of deal. Maybe I'm just a bit biased, being from Illinois and all (and, therefore, in the midwest), but I'm pretty sure my parents really appreciate that. Sure, admittedly, I don't like active use in the government. I actually do believe in as much limited government as is reasonable (so, no, public health care is not stricken from my list). Basically, create the rules (read: laws) and then let it function on its own. Taking active role smacks a little too much of king (though, keep in mind, congress can always refuse; checks and balances for a reason). However, this was a crisis. No one seemed to mind Bush making special rules in light of a crisis. Of course, I'd love to hear what people would say about Obama handling the economy had he just let it run its course and let the auto industry just fail. All in all, I'll take the bailout rather than not.

    Now, again, I don't want to turn this into liberal vs. conservative. However, Bush was our president for 8 years (though, in fairness to my conservative friends, I generally hesitate to ever call Bush an economic conservative, though a social one he often was (even if just to get votes: gay marriage, anyone?); spending as much as he did on Iraq is not fiscal conservatism and we all know it). So, I say this just to put things in perspective: in 2010 alone, more jobs were created in the private sector than in all 8 years under Bush. Honestly, take a look at some of the charts and the info. in the article. It's absolutely amazing what's been going on economically.

    I really hesitate to throw in voluntary disclosure of White House visitors for the first time in US history as a show of transparency seeing as it was backroom deals that got us most of our progressive achievements. That's fair criticism.

    I also hesitate to mention that he appointed the first Latina supreme court judge (I was raised in the suburbs – I see the world in a colorblind fashion, even if I know enough about race politics to know we cannot do that quite yet), but it really is important.

    I could also add to the list eliminating subsidies to private lender middlemen of student loans and protecting student borrowers.

    For those Teddy fans out there, he's also increased funding for national parks and forests by 10%.

    Fan of world peace (I say that only half sarcastically)? He signed a new START Treaty, a nuclear arms reduction pact with Russia.

    I'm not the biggest enviromentalist nut, but one I was personally thrilled about: increased average fuel economy standards from 27.5 mpg to 35.5 mpg, starting in 2016.

    Extremely passionate patriot? Now the Pentagon provides travel expenses to families of fallen soldiers to be on hand when the body arrives at Dover Air Force Base.

    Need something to go with the last point I made? He's reversed the policy of barring media coverage during the return of fallen soldiers to Dover Air Force Base.

    Also repealed Bush era restrictions on federal funding for embryonic stem cell research (oh, thank God, yes).

    Dislike torture? He ended the Bush administration's CIA program of "enhanced interrogation methods" by requiring that the Army field manual be used as the guide for terrorism interrogations.

    Alright, fine, don't like taxes? Tax cuts for up to 3.5 million small businesses to help pay for employee health care coverage.

    And, while on taxes, could we end the complaints about them? Yes, no one likes taxes - but they pay for the services that your government provides. The reason why my public high school was so damn good was because of the taxes paid. Failed public schools? Not when you actually don't try to cut the system.

    And, really, the list could go on. Seriously, way on.

    Now, of course, I'm not entirely pleased. While I might be able to swallow creating a Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, making the Tobacco industry susceptible to the FDA smacks a little too much of too much big government and government intervention for me (this libertarian streak in me is hardly surprising, seeing as social liberalism meets economic conservatism by virtue of a belief in a non-intrusive government; and the ability for every individual to choose their own course in any manner they choose so long as it doesn't infringe on anyone else is core to my being).

    And, have we gone over the offenses he's done to gay rights? His administration releasing a defense for Prop. 8. The removal of our large category of civil rights on the website early in his presidency. Promising us a gay marching band to make up for the lack of a gay speaker at his innaugeration. Not doing more to end Don't Ask Don't Tell and currently asking for a stay on the immediate cease that was declared for DADT by a federal judge? Offensive is barely the words I could muster.

    However, much like I've always suspected that his whole "I believe in civil unions, though not gay marriage" thing was a political ploy (however, seeing how much everyone seems to hate him at the moment, he might as well go for broke since he's playing politics severely wrong), I suppose so is his hesitance on gay issues. He's not the open president we expected.

    However, he is the progressive president we wanted. I was hesitant before. While I was, admittedly, incredibly impressed by his campaign and the image that was being crafted and will likely survive in history (as a PR person and an activist, I tend to look for these things; it also explains why I have an absolute love for memorials), I was not impressed by the man. I thought he wasn't doing anything. I can now say that I can place him in that great line with FDR (and when I say that, you know I'm meaning buisness). He doesn't have the openness that's made me an Adlai E. Stevenson man even though I never saw the man alive (then again, Adlai didn't win election twice, if we remember), but he's done more for progressives than has been done in a while.

    I've complained for the past 10 years that politics is a sham and that, while my party fits just about every issue that I would ideally want covered, they don't actually stick to those issues. Obama has. For the first time I'm able to say, he's the president we've been waiting for.

    Honestly, get off the man's back. He's done more in two years than many Democratic presidents have done in 8.

  • My Dad on Facebook:

         Dude!
         When you PC is on, does that mean that iPhone is also on?

     

    Dad...you're 50-something years old. I'm pretty sure the only people who ever use the term dude with me are Ohioan teen girls. You should be stable and sage-like like wrybreadspread; your age is your asset.

    Alright, I'm totally stereotyping him, I admit (and am totally guilty). And, obviously, I'm largely kidding; he's only checking up on me. But there's something that just feels unnatural about him using that.

     

     

    Alright, DAY TWO.

    I hadn't really thought about keeping track of how this little experiment would go but I figure why not? Could be amusing. Plus, I haven't properly kept track of anything I've done for years (as you might've garnered from this "journal", seeing as I rarely give updates about what happens in my day-to-day life). I'd be interested to look back and see how things have progressed, sort of a further way to gauge the effectiveness of this new sleep pattern.

    So, last I left you, I remember mentioning that one of my nap times would be at 12. First, in part due to my depression and my acquired coping method of planning some things out as a way to stay organized, I get very disoriented and emotionally rattled when things don't go as planned. What's this got to do with sleeping? Nothing directly but it gives you an idea of my mindset when I woke up an hour and a half after my intended 20 minute nap and more than half of my class had been missed.

    Thankfully Professor Kent was understanding (that's because she's amazingly awesome and why I chose her as my adviser). However, of course, this screwed up my schedule. So, I have over slept once thus far.

    The extra hour has made falling asleep more difficult, since it's extra energy I hadn't intended. It also will off-set my body from recognizing that I'm only getting 20 minutes of sleep per interval. Apparently it thinks that I only do so by 2 hours at the moment (hence why I woke up and didn't just sleep through the rest of today); I'm not sure why. I haven't consistantly only slept for only 2 hours multiple times lately.

    Admittedly, if my sleep patterns have been anything lately, they've been sporadic and out of place. 3 or 4 days ago I had a paper to write, which wound up using the whole night. Considering that it helps to work when you're not groggy, I've been experimenting with sleeping in short intervals while you work since last semester.

    My whole "Sleep 10 minutes and then work 30, repeat" didn't work quite well when I wound up just sleeping, waking up at when I usually set my alarm - without the help of my alarm (seeing as I fell asleep without intention, you might imagine that I hadn't set an alarm for that day). While the sleep was utterly refreshing, it only gave me 5 hours to do my paper, seeing as I still had math homework that had to be done before class and comp. sci. homework due sometime that day. It all got done, but it wasn't very useful.

    With the paper I worked on 3 or 4 days ago, I tried sleeping for 5 minutes and then just working between those (I didn't really pay much attention to how long I worked between the intervals. Truth be told, I wound up at some points doing 5 minutes work, 5 minutes sleep. I cave easily). That actually worked quite well, except for one instance where I seemed to've missed the alarm and slept for 1.5 to 2 hours. Otherwise, though, I didn't fall asleep for anytime longer and the paper got done. What interested me most about it, though, was that I didn't have any of the tiredness that normally accompanies an all-nighter (varying on how much sleep I've had the week before, of course). I was totally at normal energy 'til the end of the day.

     

    While not a direct thought that I had, this attempt to bring my sleep patterns under some logical sense is part of what interested me in getting polyphasic sleep. But this also makes me wary.

    According to the article I posted last entry, the writer found that he becomes dependent on that schedule. Varying far from it winds up in him getting exhausted. I suppose what weirds me out about this is that our conventional (though misguided) way of measuring benefit from sleep is simple and very capable of being concrete - how many hours did you sleep? Measurable.

    This new sleep pattern acknowledges that REM is the useful sleep I need and that outside of REM is unnecessary. So, in other words, outside of my constructed schedule, I have no way of measuring if I've gotten the right amount of sleep. I mean, even the notion of just getting 2 hours per day runs utterly contrary to how we usually think of sleep.

     

    This is most easily demonstrated in the way the rest of my naps went. While I'm using the article I showed you guys as a guide, I've also got to be skeptical. For one, the guy is a vegan and, guessing completely wildly based on what little of how he describes his eating style, probably a more healthy eater than me. This could make a difference. The most clear way is when he mentions caffeine.

    I forget if I've mentioned it here, but I have a quite consistent addiction to sugar. To prop up my sporadic sleep schedule (or lack thereof), it comes in handy. If I crash, just take some more. Naturally, I'm not opposed to using caffeine the same way, if needed (though I don't think I have an addiction to it). And, really, it's kinda hard to avoid on a college campus.

    So, while not a part of his diet, they're quite a consistent part of mine. He tried playing with using caffeine to stay awake, possibly to skip one of the 20 minute interval naps completely, and it didn't work.

    But would it work for me? Better yet, will getting into the cycle be more difficult if I'm drinking soda right before I try to take a nap? I only had some during dinner, so it wasn't really a problem today, but they're things to keep in mind.

    The other difference I want to highlight is that he said he felt like a zombie for the first few days because the body isn't used to jumping right into REM sleep, meaning that the 20 minute naps were pretty much useless sleep. So, ironically enough, sleep deprivation ensued.

    Me, on the other hand - well, I'm quite well acquainted with sleep deprivation (as we probably have learned quite well in these two most recent posts alone). Despite my 1.5 hour nap today, I've been pretty fine throughout the day. Towards the end I could feel being tired, but nothing at all like the haziness that follows, say, only getting 2-3 hours of sleep the night before. It was kinda like the grogginess was there in the background but you could easily push it aside.

    However, this is further confusing since I haven't had much REM sleep today (er, yesterday; you know). In fact, as the day wore on, the more I got less REM sleep from my naps. So it's not like they've been sustaining me. Of course, my naps have been wherever I can take them (namely the science buildings and the student center). I always feel like I'm doing something I shouldn't by sleeping in public places, so I rarely can fall asleep easily. And, of course, I'm often on whatever sofa/chair I can find, so it's not exactly comfy.

    That said, my latest nap sticks out the most. The previous hours of the day had followed like I described. Being 3 in the morning, I decided to head back to my dorm before going back to the science buildings to finish my lab. I figured sleep in my own bed would help me along and get me the sleep I'm trying to achieve.

    Instead, it felt like I couldn't get any sleep at all. I kinda laid there and rested, but obviously no REM came from that. Since I felt groggy as a result, I figured I'd stay in bed for 20 more minutes in hope of getting any sleep. I kinda don't recall everything, so I might've fallen asleep. Seeing how it played out, I'm not sure if I want to call it over-sleeping.

    However, more than anything, such (unproductive) sleep made me groggier than all of today possibly did. I normally just got up after each nap, feeling like I didn't exactly gain all I could (like I said, most of my naps are still not REM sleep), but feeling that background grogginess that basically meant I still had more energy than I normally would for the amount of sleep I've been getting.

    Walking back to the science quad has shook off much of the grogginess, but I'm still more tired. So, I'm wondering if I'm reaching the part where the writer of the article I posted felt like a zombie. But, again, it's hard to gauge given the differences between our circumstances.

     

    I guess the last thing I want to say is how useful this could be, if I can properly shift myself to this sleep schedule. While I'd prefer all of the other benefits that supposedly go with this sleep schedule (more vivid dreams, more energy and alertness), it seems I'm able to sustain myself better this way already. Considering I'm only getting 2 hours of sleep per day, groggy but more energy than a concentrated 2 hours of sleep is not a bad trade-off. Again, it presents sleep in a way that I can't possibly do anything with. I wouldn't even begin to know how to stray from the schedule while maintaining the energy conserved. But such is the elusiveness of REM.

    Regardless, the time gained should be great. I mean, 22 hour days? It's like the perfect solution. I'd've made it up if I hadn't found it to be true. It's basically the eradication of sleep from your day - and, yet, utterly not so since what you're really doing is utilizing sleep to its utmost potential and, therefore, requiring less of it.

    For example, I probably would've never gotten this lab done today - I'm almost finished, but, thanks to my new freed time, I have completely until 1 today to get it done, minus 40 minutes (2 naps). I could get more homework done. I could free up time to finally write back to my friends, seeing as I've pretty much had no time to do so. Hell, I could manage my clubs better.

    And, more than anything, I can witness the glory that is night and (even) early morning. I can get breakfast everyday. I mean, for anyone who's an early riser, this seems ridiculous. But, seeing as I had trouble capping my sleep at even 12 hours, to suddenly take TEN of those hours back? This is phenomenal.

    I'm seriously hoping my body will be able to adapt efficiently to the schedule.

  • I really need to do another archaic word of the day. It's been far too long since the last, yes?

     

    So, as I imparted to Kari yesterday, it kinda pisses me off that there is a such a limited, narrow, and slanted view of what is attractive in terms of how women look (because, if we're being brutally honest, I'm far closer to straight than I am to being gay and so can speak more authoritatively on that end of the spectrum).

    Granted, I still find physical attractiveness to be a sorry form of evaluation for people, pointless, and a cruelly unfair system that aids to many of the debilitating aspects of our society that erodes self-confidence and certainty in self-image (hyperbolic? I'd hardly say so).

    That being said – I'm not going to convince many (if any) other people to my line of thinking. And, if that's the case (as I said above), it really pisses me off that there's such a limited view of what is considered attractive when it comes to women.

    It may just be me, but there is a complete wealth of diversity and multitude of differing body types when it comes to girls (like I said, I'm a poorer judge when it comes to guys, so it's mostly ignorance talking there) that it absolutely amazes me that our society tries so harshly to smash it into some ridiculous notion of a singular mold. I mean...why would you want to limit yourself?

    However, as I said above, there's a limited view of what is considered attractive. Obviously, attractive doesn't mean only physically attractive (and by physically attractive I mean traits that can only be derived through genes). There are many personal and cultural choices that a person can make that can make them attractive or not attractive to a person (such as choice of clothes or whether they wear glasses or not).

    So, that being said, understand that the rest of this discussion in this post covers on some things which are just a matter of opinion and others of it are just inexcusable pickiness and stupidity. Also understand that while I'll focus on my out-of-what-is-usually-considered-the-norm attractions, I generally fall within the mainstream as well. Which is all fine and dandy. I get why we might flock to certain ideas of attractiveness and generally will agree. It's our seeming inability to venture away from these or even admit that the ones I'm going to list are perfectly applicable candidates as well that bothers me.

     

    The first that drives me insane is our society's complete inability to recognize curves. I wanna scream every time some idiot mislabels someone as being "too fat" just because her body actually has a shape which differs from a stalk of celery. Obesity and curves are not the same thing. The latter, you dumbnut, happens to be the natural shape a woman's body takes. Not all, obviously, but please stop telling all to achieve that of a pole.

    That being said – fat isn't a bad thing. Being chubby can be equally attractive. Criticize the muffin top, if you will, but chubby girls tend to be more cuddly and are tons more fun to hug.

    Also, what's with the Only Huge Boobs Please thing? They get big enough and they start to no longer look human. Alright, alright, I'm being facetious by now; but, seriously, small breasts aren't a bad thing. They are quite the opposite often enough. Diversity, people!

    Now, this next pet peeve of mine, admittedly, is mostly a preference thing. I can't honestly chastise people here in good conscience. Obviously some may just honestly disagree with me. But I've never been able to understand the makeup thing. If I wanted to be cocky and snide, I might say it's because I'm a fan of natural beauty and don't understand wanting to cover it up, but that would most clearly be just me being a smartass, and I could easily disassemble such an argument. That said – I still don't understand makeup. In 99.9% of the cases I've seen (and I'm mostly meaning towards the beautifying stuff, anyway (like lipstick, etc.); not movie makeup, for example), the individual looks utterly better just without makeup. But, then again, I've always had what my mother has called pathetically simplistic and boring tastes. A girl with no makeup, hair done up in a simple ponytail (with no other "trimmings"), and wearing jeans and a hoodie is a thousand times more attractive to me than one "dressed up" (say, a dress). Then again, I'm also a fan of adrogynous girls and what others might call "plain looking", for two other vaguely related examples.

    I was slightly horrified, admittedly, yesterday when Vikki and Bailey started freaking out over Alys having a figure and going to go shopping with her; I've always found her to be attractive, unrevealing dressing style and all. Yeah, I said it; granted, it partially doesn't matter because this will likely never make it back to Alys and so she won't be able to glare at me like she tends to. But still. Regardless of where the majority lies, those are my tastes. I'm sure there are others out there that agree.

    Also, arms with hair on them. Are they really so bad? At first I was kinda indifferent. Now a days, I lean a little more in favor of. It seems like whenever hair and female get put in the same sentence people recoil (I can mentally see my parents doing so right now) – but I don't get it. It can be just as cute or pretty as hair on one's head can be, I think.

    I remember last Winter Break my mom asked me if I had seen any girls at college yet that I find attractive. Normally I either ignore her or say something along the lines of, "Why? It's only an illusion anyway." This time, however, I decide I'll humor her. So, I respond, "No, not really. I've kinda been into more masculine women lately." My parents reactions? They gawk and go, "What???" Now, granted, I probably meant more physically feminine women with a masculine gender, but (as I've said here many times now) butch women are pretty fantastic as well. My main point here is that there are, in the mainstream, a lack of women with a more masculine demeanor (either in only their gender or physically or some combination of both). I mean, if we're being totally technical, playing video games is still generally considered a masculine trait (as in it's considered socially acceptable when done by males and often not considered acceptable when done by females), which instantly makes gamer girls technically more masculine than most of their fellow female peers. But clearly most of us wouldn't instinctually label video games as being all that masculine (leastwise, I don't). I mean in areas that are more universally thought of as masculine, there is a lack of females which possess that. The only category (again, I'm talking mainstream, so (for example) the butch/femme lesbian culture doesn't really count, not to mention (to the best of my ignorant knowledge) I believe that culture is slowly fading away) for such a phenomenon is the old tomboy stereotype – and that's pretty limited. How about a girl that wears a lot of "guy" clothes (such as suits, etc.) but isn't all that athletic? However, if we could break stereotypes so easily in people's minds, I'd be a much happier person and quite busy in the world.

     

    And I'm sure there are a million others I could think of. I didn't mentioned, for example, braces or glasses in part because our society is moving closer to finding them acceptable on a really mainstream level, even finding them cute. Anyone see Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs? It says something that the fact that the main character's love interest is a nerd, equipped with glasses, can go over our heads because we've become so used to the idea and also – well, she's a nerd! And it's a children movie that did well at the theatres. Think of how this may affect future generations of kids who saw the movie? Granted, I'm not going to assume that all such taunts and aversions to glasses will end because of this movie (my father once told me he would never have dated anyone else with glasses because he was so self-conscience about his own as a kid); but it's progress.

     

    I guess the point I'm trying to make is, love your "imperfections" and "blemishes".

    You never know who could be admiring them.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    Oh, and also rail against the stupidity of society. But I guess that's kinda the undercurrent of this entire Xanga, now isn't it?

  • I was at the park today, swinging on the swings while listening to my iPod (one of my favorite activities). And, well, then a man approached me and told me the park was closed, right as I was really getting over the horrid mood that had drove me there to begin with.

    Well, I just couldn't take the answer given to me, now could I?

    There's a quaint little park in a subdivision literally bordering the Woodland Intermediate School that literally boarders my subdivision. It said on the sign that the park closes at dusk, but it also said the park is unsupervised, so that's basically an invitation, right?

    As I sat there swinging, I was reminded once again why I love the area so damn much. Having spent the past 6 years really getting to know the Stevenson High School area (Buffalo Grove, Libertyville, Lincolnshire, Long Grove, etc.), it's pretty much like a second home to me. My parents and friends can well enough attest (seeing as the places of visit tend to be friends' houses), I spend more than enough of my share time there.

    But only recently has that given me pause to rediscover the place I basically grew up. My parents (read: my mother) were not ones to let us out very often. We used to all go on bike rides together but that was when I was young (and, if I'm remembering correctly, I've mentioned that in a recent previous post on here with me saying that I wanted to re-see those places we, as a family, had visited since I hadn't seen them in so long). And, of course, by the time my parents started actually allowing me to step outside the subdivision, I was going out to see friends, all of which lived in the SHS area, which pretty regularly translates to being 30 minutes away from where I live. So, in reality, I was only superficially aware of my surrounding area (what little there is left of Gages Lake outside of my subdivision and Gurnee, seeing as it only takes 5 minutes to get to both Gurnee Mills and Six Flags; we may share the same zip code as Grayslake, but we're a bit different from them).

    Now, I've said before on here that I would love to be able to really show and share with you that awe of seeing a completely barren parking lot (part of the reason for the picnic-in-a-parking-lot idea) or just the way it seems like this place just continually spans outward. But that doesn't get at all of it.

    The culture here is different. Gurnee is far more urbanized than many suburbs nearer the city (again, namely the SHS area, amongst other places) and the southern, more rural parts of Illinois (most naturally). The type of urbanizing is interesting, too; you've got buses for public transportation, yet a lot of the business and urbanized aspect comes from the commercial aspect of the city. Hit around the Gurnee Mills mall and it's just line upon line of chain restaurants (McDonald's, Taco Bell, Culver's, White Castle, etc.). In fact, I don't think that area exists for any purpose other than a conglomerate of commercial venues.

    Yet another aspect of Gurnee's urban nature, though, is the influx of city kids continually coming in, causing a cultural makeup that is very diverse. I remember walking through Gurnee Mills looking for job opportunities and just a wave of the social cliques that were so prevalent back in Middle School for me come waving back. You've got the urbanites, the goths, your run-of-the-mill upper class kids, your rockers/druggies, etc. And in some ways which are totally on a subtle level that is hard to explain, there's a distinct difference that I now remember from back in Middle School. It was kinda this relieving feeling as I can walk with people so familiar with a level of confidence that I just didn't have back then. Instead of being cautious and on-guard, I just felt like, "I'm back home."

    But, despite it's urban nature, there's this feeling of flat out openness. The best example I have is, on Milwaukee Avenue (Highway 21) when it intersects with Gages Lake Road, across from the Dominoes, there's this giant office building. It's clearly built to hold tons upon tons of offices within. Looks really nice too. And it resides in a field of tall grass (though the grass looks grain-colored) that stretches for miles alongside that side of highway 21. And there's nothing as far as you can see (while standing directly across from this building) next to the building. Just this random office building, pretty far into this random, stretching field of tall grass.

    And, honestly, it really is a bizarre site and almost this WTF moment. I mean, what were they thinking?

    When my parents bought our house, it was still in the process of being built. The area is still a very new one. And it seems like, in so many ways, they just got really excited to build. But, since it was new and (yet, for whatever reason) did well and drew many people, it's like they just constructed what people needed. Oh, people need to live somewhere - let's make houses! We could probably get a lot of money around Gurnee Mills - cram it with commercial stores! We could provide for a lot jobs with all the new people coming to live here - build an office building!

    So the place literally looks, all over, half constructed. You get things like an office building in the middle of a tall grass field. You get things like giant parking lots for Warren Township High School or some other random school or business building in a place that only adds to the sprawling feeling of the parking lot when it's empty because it's surrounded by grassy fields or there's a forest right beside it - and that's it's surroundings; not houses, not other buildings - fields and forests! It's the weirdest thing ever.

    But you know my appreciation for weird things. Plus, this is very much the reason I love cities. I don't understand why, but I absolutely crave manmade living creations (stores, buildings, houses - but not being inside of them). At the same time, I adore the weather/nature. I'd die without it. Every so often I just have to go to a window and breath deeply. And you know how I do about the rain. So, more urban situations are perfect. A friend of mine commented to another friend of hers how she hates New York because it's so crowded and boxed in with a lack of nature (flowers, trees, etc.), unlike Chicago - bingo. Also, think the Evanston area, for another example of what I like.

    It's the perfect combination for me. Suburbs are more hit-and-miss in comparison to this. It's hard to explain, but I'm very particular about these surroundings.

    So, while the Gurnee and Gages Lake area is by far not a city in the traditional sense, you get those more urban "living constructions" with an overabundance of nature all over the place. It's not the same as a city - it's actually quite a different experience - but it provides the same ingredients.

    So what's different is that, when people aren't in that parking lot or that office building is closed for the day - time literally seems to stand still. It's like everyone has abandoned the world and you get that scant moment to really take in and enjoy the stillness, that undisturbed peace and quiet. It's very much along the lines of why I love nature, that moment to just absorb and wrap yourself in the beauty of it all - but it's combining evenly manmade constructions and nature at the same time (think of the parking lot surrounded by forests that I mentioned above). It's astounding. Yet, if you want civilization and human interaction again, just go to Gurnee Mills or Six Flags or come back to the place again when people are working there.

    It's the best of both worlds, this crazy area that seems stuck between development and the beginning birth of construction (or no construction at all, if you decide to go to the forest preserve connected to our subdivision).

    Now, there's more to me than just this. The SHS area is my home. I know it well and it's very well a part of me (and, considering that most of (like, 80%) my friends hail from there, it's where my family's from). I'm distinguishing Gurnee/Gages Lake in the same way I might point out the differences of the SHS area to brag about it. I mean, to be honest, there's very little, if any, of a nerd identity back in the culture of Gurnee/Gages Lake (at least certainly not a unified one). And I will probably never find so prominant and distinct a gothic community anywhere else as I did at Stevenson.

    But I was sitting in that park this night, that just in itself looks half finished (really basic, done in the middle of this open field with just tall grass leading up to the Woodland School and with those exercise bars that I've never understood why they're put in children's parks; it's like the constructor though, "Oh, this'll only take three bars - cheap; let's do it!").

    And between the school and this park is this lake, with the reflection of the half moon in the crisp night sky shining on the water. And it just smells like a lake, so beautiful.

    And behind me, if I'm facing the lake (and, by extension, the school), is the subdivision, which in itself feels half finished, with streets that go into an intersection and then just end in a deadend, as if the builders were just building with no plan, just until the demand wore out.

    And I'm just swinging, listening to my iPod, and watching the cars go past across the lake on Gages Lake Road.

    And it's everything that I love, in a moment so peaceful and perfect, that I wish I could show to you how it felt right then during that night sky with the beauty of the forest behind me and the lake to the right of me, with people getting ready for sleep to the left of me in that subdivision and the world going about it's buisness across the lake.

    It was so beautiful; I love this town.

  • My mother in a nutshell: "Tell your mother not to speed because this is Waukegan so there's a ton of cops out looking for Mexicans selling drugs."

     

     

    Okay, maybe not a nutshell, but it gives you a good idea of who she is.

  • Xhiddenxtearzx (6:43:39 PM): i love him jon.

    SBI MEZ M86 (6:46:20 PM): then I'm happy for you. really happy. because you deserve to be happy. heh, life works out, occassionally

    Xhiddenxtearzx (6:47:03 PM): =].

    Xhiddenxtearzx (6:48:10 PM): if someone would've told me at the beginning of the school year that i'd feel this way about them i would've called them an idiot.

    SBI MEZ M86 (6:48:46 PM): heh. nice

    Xhiddenxtearzx (6:49:03 PM): i'm not kidding.

    Xhiddenxtearzx (6:49:46 PM): and i can honestly say i've only ever felt like this once before.

    SBI MEZ M86 (6:50:42 PM): really? then this seems to be genuine

    SBI MEZ M86 (6:50:53 PM): not that I doubted it before

    Xhiddenxtearzx (6:51:11 PM): whats genuine mean?

    SBI MEZ M86 (6:52:12 PM): like, authentic. real.

    Xhiddenxtearzx (6:52:31 PM): oh ok got it.

    Xhiddenxtearzx (6:53:02 PM): wanna know something.

    SBI MEZ M86 (6:53:21 PM): sure

    Xhiddenxtearzx (6:55:48 PM): the only other person i've felt this for is you.

    SBI MEZ M86 (6:58:44 PM): really? why? not like I don't believe you. you know. just curious. of all people

    Xhiddenxtearzx (6:59:48 PM): honestly i dont know why...its just like i have this connection with the 2 of you that i've never had with a guy before...

    Xhiddenxtearzx (7:00:41 PM): its weird i mean i just feel this connection with you and i feel it with anthony...i dont know exactly what it is..

    SBI MEZ M86 (7:04:28 PM): yeah. I know what you mean. well, I told you you're the only person I'm able to say that about, before, so. heh. I'm glad we were able to keep this friendship, even after everything. 'cause you're a closer friend to me than most. and we have been through a lot that has connected us, as you said

    Xhiddenxtearzx (7:05:33 PM): its just i feel as this is like a lifelong friendship no matter what happens...and that you'll always be there.

    SBI MEZ M86 (7:06:11 PM): yeah. I think it is

    Xhiddenxtearzx (7:06:22 PM): =] good.

    Xhiddenxtearzx (7:09:02 PM): i'm always so happy when i get to talk to you =].

    SBI MEZ M86 (7:13:28 PM): heh, same. you always are able to bring up my mood. and you're so easy to talk to
    Xhiddenxtearzx (7:13:52 PM):=].

    Sometime before Senior year started for high school, I decided I was going to make the most of my life as I could that year. I mean, it was my Senior year. I'm sure you know the expectations of such a year - your best of high school, yada yada, etc.

    So, that's how I headed into it. I enjoyed every second of band camp as much as I could, from the marching to the yelling to the hanging with friends to the music. I asked out Laura for the second time. I really got to know and get closer to more people than I had before and really just truly appreciated how many amazing friends I really have (something which was driven so much more home when I went to college). I made the most of Prom.

    Granted, I didn't go bungee jumping or anything. But I threw myself into everything I wanted to do, soaked up and enjoyed every part of any event that's been built up to be amazing or that I've come to expect to be amazing or fantastic. No regrets, no feeling sorry about things I didn't do. No worrying about the consequences or whatever. Granted, I didn't totally do all this (could you imagine me not regretting or beating myself up over the past entirely) but certainly did so to the best of my ability.

    And that was the point.

    As my life has gone through (major) changes and I've had to look at life differently, create more permanent certain outlooks on life - that hasn't changed all too much.

    Now, as above might show, I don't mean traveling around the world when I have no way to afford it. It doesn't mean dropping my job to go do something else.

    It means practical things which, given all the extra crap floating around in our lives and clogging up our energy and desire to do things, won't be dragged down and not fully enjoyed or just plain done when you don't have to not do it.

    So, for example, taking a trip down to Ohio? Parents would never let me do it. I've never driven that far (or for that long) before. I would need to pay for the gas, too. I could get caught. Not to mention what if something goes wrong? My old self might've looked at these things (let's assume that my old self can drive as good as me now, however, and has all similar benefits of this age) and said, "Too much to plan. Too much that might go wrong." My new attitude's immediate response was - Let's - do - it.

     

    See, I have this friend that I've known for roughly 4 to 5 years now. Her name's Jessica though almost everyone calls her Jessi and I call her jess.

    I met jess back from an old ex of mine, Rachel. Because I am continually the epitome of cool, I was doing the really cool thing that everyone did back then (don't deny it) and had a long distance relationship online. See, Rachel lived in Ohio (which is not where I live; just, you know, so we're totally clear).

    Funnily enough, Rachel and I didn't really go anywhere. As I recall, I dated her 3 days or so before I had to end it. Ironically, in that time, she happened to introduce me to jess. For whatever reason (I hardly ever bother to act first and almost always react to other people so it surprises me when I bother to pursue talking to others, especially for something as someone I met in a chatroom on AIM with my ex), jess and I developed a friendship after that first encounter.

    Further more ironic, we became extremely close.

    I'd have to look through old files and such to really understand how that progressed, but we talked more and more. Also just because of how jess is, I often knew exactly what was going on over there. Over time I got to know rather well even her cousins and what became a mutual friend of ours, Dillan.

    I suppose that's what really helped the friendship, that I'd often get exact updates as to what was going on in terms of what people were doing, what was going on, etc. Maybe I've used AIM for so long (or, more likely, maybe I talk with so many people I see on day-to-day basises now) that I don't get such detail from people.

    So, I talked to jess almost daily. Whenever she had a problem, something to complain about, or a problem that needed to be solved, I was there. We became incredibly close. So, what can I say? I fell for her. Not that I exactly realized it. But my relationship with jess, and the long and complicated history that goes with that, is a story that's really for another time. The thing to take away here is that we wound up dating; and, as the AIM conversation above might indicate, we both fell in love with each other. And that's not been something I've said lightly for 2 or 3 years now, nor something I'd say I fall easily into.

    Well, to be truly cursory, we broke up. That time was a long (it's scary how far away these days seem more and more) time ago. We've talked less and less.

    Not to say we're not still close. But we do talk significantly less. I'm not involved in jess's daily life, though I keep up with the major stuff (she graduated at the top of her class, got to deliver a speech to the school because of it, etc.). And, well, jess was always more of the talker while I just listened.

    And, despite all of this stuff we'd been through (and we've actually been through a lot, for people living in two opposite states - she nearly died several times and I had to find her help, I've talked her through situations when she was worried about hyperventilation, and other (less threatening) stuff) - we'd still never met in person.

    I mean, that was something I'm sure both of us figured would happen someday. But I couldn't possibly convince my parents to go down to Ohio, of all places, and I have no car. And I couldn't expect that she'd be able to do it, seeing as she's 2 or 3 years younger than me (depending on the time in the year).

    Well, despite my patience (which my dad continually reminds me of - though, it's a bad example because, compared to him, it's very easy to be more patient), I can be quite impatient at times.

    I wanted to see jess, in person, and I didn't feel like waiting anymore. Like I said, my old self would probably have said, "Woah, hold up now. I have at least 5 possible problems already. Can we think about (and only think about) this idea?" Me now said, "Can you come up with a rough, feasible plan? Life's for living, let's do it!"

    Her birthday is June 10th. As a (late) birthday present, I decided to leave Saturday, the 12th, to go see her.

    So, telling my parents I was going to see a friend at around 8:30-9 in the morning, I took off to go pick up my friend Mallika. And, together, we began our drive to Ohio.

    That was loads of fun. I wish I had some of the pictures we had taken to post, but I'm afraid I don't. But other than that and the many (many) things we discussed (some serious, some funny) along with the music we played on the way there, it was mostly just driving (and more driving). I hope you'll understand if I'd rather not recall specifics of conversation, and such; just trust it was good fun?

    Probably a statement of how close jess and I are, at first there didn't even seem to be anything weird about finally seeing her. She wasn't going to throw anything (in terms of behavior or what she'd say) at me that I wouldn't expect.

    But, as we neared, I started going over all doubts and such (my mind likes to exercise all possible arguments; this isn't always helpful because it sometimes causes me to doubt otherwise sound decisions).

    I mean, was I going there just because it was big and something to do, a cap to our never meeting thing? Or did I actually want to really see her? I mean, shouldn't I be more...I dunno, feel weird, than this? What would she say? I mean, we don't even talk as much as we used to. What if this ends up not being a big deal, in any way? What if it's So what? Oh, we met, big whoop. What if she isn't like I've known her, even? What if she's different in real life?

    In the end, though, these thoughts were put to rest. In the end, it was still jess, the same old girl I've know for years, the same girl I've listened to so many problem upon problem, the same girl I fell in love with years ago. You could play her voice to me years later and I'll still recognize it.

    And she was surprised, intensely, like I had wanted. And I cannot deny, there was something almost unreal about hugging her for the very first time. Ironically enough, as if I'd done it a million times and yet it actually was for the first time ever.

    As we were waiting outside of the building where she had been having her graduation party so that we could follow her back to her house, Mallika asked me (funnily enough, for the first time since I had asked if she wanted to accompany driving with me) why I had bothered to make this 6 hour long trip to Ohio and back, at risk of being caught for going. I had figured someone would ask. And - I have a terribly unbreakable habit of playing out scenarios of daily life in my head - I had imagined how this question might go. Would it be brief? Would I end up telling the whole story, emotions and all included?

    It ended up being very brief, just the outline of the story, but (in answering) I wound up really articulating why I had bothered to make such a trip. As I told Mallika how I had dated jess and mentioned how we had been through so much together - well, she's such a huge part of my life, how could I not make this trip? I'm terrible of keeping up with people (and my onslaughts of depression and unstable moods makes this so for even those I'm direly close to, no matter how close) but even years from now, we'll still be talking. I have a very strong feeling that we'll be seeing each other much more often once we get more independence.

    jess is...well, jess is a lot of things, though she'll fool you and make you think she's not. And, like a lot of the really important women in my life, I'm still trying to make sense of what exactly she's done to me, how she's impacted my life.

    So, I had to see her. Even if I don't do anything else this summer (ha, as if I'll allow that to happen...), I can definitely say it wasn't wasted.
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