"Wha– sorry. Could you say it again? I jus-I wasn't listening. …. I see. Well…heh, well, who's to say? I mean – I suppose I just don't understand denial.
     "I mean, how do you stand before someone and just tell them that the effort that they're putting in isn't good enough? Yeah, I get there is a certain level of permormance that's expected for individual fields of requirement but – even in daily activities, it seems like we're constantly expecting. You know? I mean…am I making sense? Ummm, hmm…
     Maybe, maybe it's simply because I'm coming from a perspective of depression that, for me, emotional pain was enough to count as evidence. Like, I'm howling in pain here, doesn't that count for something? And it's like others decidingly don't.
     "I sometimes just wind up feeling like our society continually looks at things from their own perspective. Like -for example, take how we react to another's complaints. What's the usual response? You're being melodramatic, you're being over-the-top. You're being selfish, you're making a scene, even. Maybe I'm insane; I don't know. My first reaction is Dear God, what could possibly be bothering you? Even if it's small, it's like, they're not okay. Doesn't that mean anything?
     It just becomes…sufficating, at times. Like every action isn't enough. Like I'm continually under this expectation to match every single internal and external action with the right response. Because when you respond incorrectly, that sends the wrong message. Which I'd hate to do. Because, genuinely, I would want to treat others the best that I could. But it gets tiring. Because it's not unreasonable! It's really basic, really. Remember a birthday, remember fucking Mother's Day, look happy to see someone when you say hello, go see the play your friend has been working on for God knows how long, attend the speech they have to give check in on them when they're sick keep in mind when they had an interview talk during the conversation respond make eye contactnodarcheyebrowsblinkbreathe
     "I spent the entire last weekend in my room. Haha, yeah, the entire thing. I just…didn't see the point in leaving. It took much effort to get out the bed. And I was tired. So I tried to make sense of my computer screen for 36 hours. And it was…nice, because I didn't have to put any effort into anythin- no, I – I got lonely. I jus-
     I just needed to breathe.

I'm being bombarded by far too many emotions than one individual should have to deal with at one moment right now.

This would be excusable if I didn't have class in 3.5 hours and did not have a paper I still need to write roughly before then.

I understand that not everyone has been following this xanga since I first got it (Freshman year of high school - miss you Nox/Dana).

Also, I understand that people change and do not stay the same forever.

 

That said, there are some really basic tenets of me that have kinda been the same since probably as far back as I can remember. They're kinda in the "if you know me you most certainly know this about me/IT'S A GIVEN" category.

 

 

The obvious one - yes, I go suicidal periodically throughout the year (and, sometimes, it even ceases to be periodic). Hell, for most hours out of the day, it sounds like a fantastically fun idea. And, whether against sound judgment or not, I occasionally read the Suicide FAQ when stressed.

That said - if I was going to commit suicide, I would have done it years ago. I must stress that. Probably around Sophomore year of high school, most likely. There has barely been a day since Freshman year of high school where I have not contemplated suicide. If I was susceptible to those thoughts, I would not be here.

Further, there is rarely ever a time I am not 120% aware of what I am doing. I over-think everything and still ponder acts, decisions, people, and events from years before. Any action I take has been thought through 10 million times. When I do something, it is for a very specific and thought out reason (so please do not correct or chide me when it comes to personal choices, unless it direly is directly related to treating someone else poorly/inappropriately). If I commit suicide, I damn well wanted it, and I'll've been pushed beyond anything else that's come before.

 

Second, when I encounter situations that I don't like or go into an emotionally uncomfortable state - I recoil. I need to clear my head, so I withdraw and cut out all other distractions. Remember, I taught myself social behavior so responding to people takes constant effort and energy of paying attention to reading and interpreting all body signs. It is effort, it is work, and it is unnecessary distraction and energy-usage. I know you mean well, but I - need - space. One of the largest reasons I still refuse to forgive my parents for the shit they ran me through in my childhood is because they refuse to honor that simple request I've had for as long as I can remember - leave me the fuck alone. Minimize talking to me, don't be in the same room as me. If I am listless and non-responsive - it is not because I want you to pull me out of my shell. When I get touched or someone talks at me when I try to shut people out, I emotionally freak out (like being backed into a corner, I swear); I become bluntly rude; I DO NOT WANT.

Leave me alone. Honor that one request. If it's a minor thing, I'll likely just rant to whoever I'm fond of or consider a friend (and, remember, it doesn't take much for me to consider you a friend). If it's something that really bothers me and I need to deal with, I'll take care of it myself. AND, if it's really bad, the only people I'm coming remotely close to talking to is either Laura or Vikki or Dods (with Allison on occasion and likely Kari, should she actually be on at the same time that I am).

Honestly, I try to borrow almost nothing at all times, I always am willing to listen and help with whatever troubles someone has - the only thing I'm asking for (other than to be treated with respect and that you look at least half excited to see me should we bump into each other (we don't even have to hold conversation)) is to be able to drop off the map from time to time, to be left alone when I want alone time.

 

Also - do not tell me what to do. I know I tend to take a severely hands-off approach to advice and help (which possibly may not, in the long run, be helpful) in part because I want people to be able to make their own choices but that is largely because I was ordered around and told what to think for the first 15-16 years of my life. As I said before, there's rarely anything I haven't thought out a million times already. You do not get to order me around, you do not get to tell me what I should think is right, and you do not get to force me into anything. I will fucking simply not talk to you - ever - should you feel there is a need to do that. Simple as that.

Further, being told that I am unstable or incapable of handling things is further insulting. Yes, I tend to be emotionally unstable. And things tend to be worse for me than some people. But that does not mean I am incapable of maintaining stability. For all my drawbacks, I make it to my classes basically all the time, I get my work done, and I function in society. Things are more difficult, but I am functional. It's insulting to those who actually have life-debilitating depression and other health issues as much as it is insulting to my person.

 

Finally - it is really fucking annoying when people come around and ask urgently for me. I've had two friends attempt suicide on me, most of those I know either had crappy homes/parents or are trying to juggle depression. You insult my time and my energy asking for me urgently when all you want to know is where I am or if I'm alright (note, Laura, you are completely exempt from this. You've already established a history of entirely-capitalized greetings and "shouting" my name on any sort of IM service so I know to not recognize that, generally, as urgently calling for me, plus you do something entirely different when you need me to be there to talk to you).

When you need help, I respond. It is infuriating for me to start panicking because you were asking every 5 minutes for me just to find out it's a trivial question. It's flat out insulting. And I keep saying this because while it might not seem intuitive for most, all I feel every time is frustration strong enough to make me stand my ground on this. I respect when you have things to do and that you might have made plans that - surprise surprise - may not involve me or, even if you don't mind me tagging along in any capacity, that you simply were not figuring out ways to insert me into your schedule. When I am peacefully doing work secluded or talking for hours with a friend, do not spend 5 hours trying to contact when it is perfectly reasonable to assume I'm out doing other things and am fine (again, if I was going to commit suicide, I would not be around by the time you're asking for me). You damn better be depressed/sad or - God forbid - about to wrap a rope around you neck. Calling that much attention to yourself because you want me to drop all to run to an IM that simply wants to know if I want to do anything for the day is, to be honest, too self-centered for me to stomach.

 

 

 

This is not being self-centered (did people actually respond seriously to Dan's post? Really?). This is asking for the right to express and have my own desires and wants satisfied. You care about me, that's great; honestly. Seeing the millions of times I have doubt about whether people are being sincere with me (and the amounts of times people have treated me like shit in the past), I appreciate genuine shows of support for me as a friend. And I want to always, always return those.

But if I've told you something before and you ignore it - that is not respecting me as a friend. And if I have certain manners and habits that need to be done for my own emotional stability, depriving me of those is not respecting me as a friend. It's like keeping someone at home forever just because you're afraid they might be hurt. You emotions, your feeling, YOU is important up until the point that it infringes on another. There is no justification for incapacitating another - end of story. That's not being selfish, that's being considerate.

I know I tend to be so aloof and detached that some habits of mine are hard to pick up, so I'll say a few plainly here.

If I try to hug you (or am any level of affectionate) or say hello and am somewhat assertive about it, this means two things: one, I have a strong affinity for you, for whatever myriad of reasons, and, two, I am not alright.

I'm terrible at keeping up with people and likely will not unless you are big in my life (there's a reason I tend to form my friendships based on the other person's assertiveness), we all know this.

So if I am contacting you at all (outside of setting up a hanging out date), this means something.

Blood rushing to the brain, an attempt to restrain gushes of energy and anxiousness, and a general taste of disgust in the mouth. I get pounded with school work (or perhaps things to just keep me busy), and I'm numb, devoid of mood swings; I get great moments and fun life events, and I get bombarded with depressed mood swings. Can we say "Never satisfied"?

I'm fucking lonely; I want to hold someone.

GAH, I've had it for so long, you'd think I wouldn't forget what follows a good day anymore.

I feel like shit. And not in the muted way of a headache or a simple stomache sickness, either.

One of the things that I've always feared but have never had reason enough to worry about it as to mention it ever was how I might deal with moodswings in the future. I mean, as I've always said, relationship doesn't really include the I. It's almost always We, with an occasional-to-frequent You.

But, some of these days, I just don't want to deal with people. My ability to simply face situations is dwindling. And, sometimes, I'd rather slug a person than tolerate them to touch me. So what do I tell my spouse or my kids? Don't deal with me today, don't talk to me, though I can't bear to stand it? I've always hated to make others suffer for my own moods. They're my moods, my problems - other people don't deserve to have to deal with that burden. But that's a little more difficult when you live with people.

I'll be honest, I hate the notion. But I'm seemingly getting worse and I can't seem to ignore that anymore. Most days are spent just trying to keep myself emotionally stable than actually being productive in any foreseeable capacity.

Xhiddenxtearzx (6:43:39 PM): i love him jon.

SBI MEZ M86 (6:46:20 PM): then I'm happy for you. really happy. because you deserve to be happy. heh, life works out, occassionally

Xhiddenxtearzx (6:47:03 PM): =].

Xhiddenxtearzx (6:48:10 PM): if someone would've told me at the beginning of the school year that i'd feel this way about them i would've called them an idiot.

SBI MEZ M86 (6:48:46 PM): heh. nice

Xhiddenxtearzx (6:49:03 PM): i'm not kidding.

Xhiddenxtearzx (6:49:46 PM): and i can honestly say i've only ever felt like this once before.

SBI MEZ M86 (6:50:42 PM): really? then this seems to be genuine

SBI MEZ M86 (6:50:53 PM): not that I doubted it before

Xhiddenxtearzx (6:51:11 PM): whats genuine mean?

SBI MEZ M86 (6:52:12 PM): like, authentic. real.

Xhiddenxtearzx (6:52:31 PM): oh ok got it.

Xhiddenxtearzx (6:53:02 PM): wanna know something.

SBI MEZ M86 (6:53:21 PM): sure

Xhiddenxtearzx (6:55:48 PM): the only other person i've felt this for is you.

SBI MEZ M86 (6:58:44 PM): really? why? not like I don't believe you. you know. just curious. of all people

Xhiddenxtearzx (6:59:48 PM): honestly i dont know why...its just like i have this connection with the 2 of you that i've never had with a guy before...

Xhiddenxtearzx (7:00:41 PM): its weird i mean i just feel this connection with you and i feel it with anthony...i dont know exactly what it is..

SBI MEZ M86 (7:04:28 PM): yeah. I know what you mean. well, I told you you're the only person I'm able to say that about, before, so. heh. I'm glad we were able to keep this friendship, even after everything. 'cause you're a closer friend to me than most. and we have been through a lot that has connected us, as you said

Xhiddenxtearzx (7:05:33 PM): its just i feel as this is like a lifelong friendship no matter what happens...and that you'll always be there.

SBI MEZ M86 (7:06:11 PM): yeah. I think it is

Xhiddenxtearzx (7:06:22 PM): =] good.

Xhiddenxtearzx (7:09:02 PM): i'm always so happy when i get to talk to you =].

SBI MEZ M86 (7:13:28 PM): heh, same. you always are able to bring up my mood. and you're so easy to talk to
Xhiddenxtearzx (7:13:52 PM):=].

Sometime before Senior year started for high school, I decided I was going to make the most of my life as I could that year. I mean, it was my Senior year. I'm sure you know the expectations of such a year - your best of high school, yada yada, etc.

So, that's how I headed into it. I enjoyed every second of band camp as much as I could, from the marching to the yelling to the hanging with friends to the music. I asked out Laura for the second time. I really got to know and get closer to more people than I had before and really just truly appreciated how many amazing friends I really have (something which was driven so much more home when I went to college). I made the most of Prom.

Granted, I didn't go bungee jumping or anything. But I threw myself into everything I wanted to do, soaked up and enjoyed every part of any event that's been built up to be amazing or that I've come to expect to be amazing or fantastic. No regrets, no feeling sorry about things I didn't do. No worrying about the consequences or whatever. Granted, I didn't totally do all this (could you imagine me not regretting or beating myself up over the past entirely) but certainly did so to the best of my ability.

And that was the point.

As my life has gone through (major) changes and I've had to look at life differently, create more permanent certain outlooks on life - that hasn't changed all too much.

Now, as above might show, I don't mean traveling around the world when I have no way to afford it. It doesn't mean dropping my job to go do something else.

It means practical things which, given all the extra crap floating around in our lives and clogging up our energy and desire to do things, won't be dragged down and not fully enjoyed or just plain done when you don't have to not do it.

So, for example, taking a trip down to Ohio? Parents would never let me do it. I've never driven that far (or for that long) before. I would need to pay for the gas, too. I could get caught. Not to mention what if something goes wrong? My old self might've looked at these things (let's assume that my old self can drive as good as me now, however, and has all similar benefits of this age) and said, "Too much to plan. Too much that might go wrong." My new attitude's immediate response was - Let's - do - it.

 

See, I have this friend that I've known for roughly 4 to 5 years now. Her name's Jessica though almost everyone calls her Jessi and I call her jess.

I met jess back from an old ex of mine, Rachel. Because I am continually the epitome of cool, I was doing the really cool thing that everyone did back then (don't deny it) and had a long distance relationship online. See, Rachel lived in Ohio (which is not where I live; just, you know, so we're totally clear).

Funnily enough, Rachel and I didn't really go anywhere. As I recall, I dated her 3 days or so before I had to end it. Ironically, in that time, she happened to introduce me to jess. For whatever reason (I hardly ever bother to act first and almost always react to other people so it surprises me when I bother to pursue talking to others, especially for something as someone I met in a chatroom on AIM with my ex), jess and I developed a friendship after that first encounter.

Further more ironic, we became extremely close.

I'd have to look through old files and such to really understand how that progressed, but we talked more and more. Also just because of how jess is, I often knew exactly what was going on over there. Over time I got to know rather well even her cousins and what became a mutual friend of ours, Dillan.

I suppose that's what really helped the friendship, that I'd often get exact updates as to what was going on in terms of what people were doing, what was going on, etc. Maybe I've used AIM for so long (or, more likely, maybe I talk with so many people I see on day-to-day basises now) that I don't get such detail from people.

So, I talked to jess almost daily. Whenever she had a problem, something to complain about, or a problem that needed to be solved, I was there. We became incredibly close. So, what can I say? I fell for her. Not that I exactly realized it. But my relationship with jess, and the long and complicated history that goes with that, is a story that's really for another time. The thing to take away here is that we wound up dating; and, as the AIM conversation above might indicate, we both fell in love with each other. And that's not been something I've said lightly for 2 or 3 years now, nor something I'd say I fall easily into.

Well, to be truly cursory, we broke up. That time was a long (it's scary how far away these days seem more and more) time ago. We've talked less and less.

Not to say we're not still close. But we do talk significantly less. I'm not involved in jess's daily life, though I keep up with the major stuff (she graduated at the top of her class, got to deliver a speech to the school because of it, etc.). And, well, jess was always more of the talker while I just listened.

And, despite all of this stuff we'd been through (and we've actually been through a lot, for people living in two opposite states - she nearly died several times and I had to find her help, I've talked her through situations when she was worried about hyperventilation, and other (less threatening) stuff) - we'd still never met in person.

I mean, that was something I'm sure both of us figured would happen someday. But I couldn't possibly convince my parents to go down to Ohio, of all places, and I have no car. And I couldn't expect that she'd be able to do it, seeing as she's 2 or 3 years younger than me (depending on the time in the year).

Well, despite my patience (which my dad continually reminds me of - though, it's a bad example because, compared to him, it's very easy to be more patient), I can be quite impatient at times.

I wanted to see jess, in person, and I didn't feel like waiting anymore. Like I said, my old self would probably have said, "Woah, hold up now. I have at least 5 possible problems already. Can we think about (and only think about) this idea?" Me now said, "Can you come up with a rough, feasible plan? Life's for living, let's do it!"

Her birthday is June 10th. As a (late) birthday present, I decided to leave Saturday, the 12th, to go see her.

So, telling my parents I was going to see a friend at around 8:30-9 in the morning, I took off to go pick up my friend Mallika. And, together, we began our drive to Ohio.

That was loads of fun. I wish I had some of the pictures we had taken to post, but I'm afraid I don't. But other than that and the many (many) things we discussed (some serious, some funny) along with the music we played on the way there, it was mostly just driving (and more driving). I hope you'll understand if I'd rather not recall specifics of conversation, and such; just trust it was good fun?

Probably a statement of how close jess and I are, at first there didn't even seem to be anything weird about finally seeing her. She wasn't going to throw anything (in terms of behavior or what she'd say) at me that I wouldn't expect.

But, as we neared, I started going over all doubts and such (my mind likes to exercise all possible arguments; this isn't always helpful because it sometimes causes me to doubt otherwise sound decisions).

I mean, was I going there just because it was big and something to do, a cap to our never meeting thing? Or did I actually want to really see her? I mean, shouldn't I be more...I dunno, feel weird, than this? What would she say? I mean, we don't even talk as much as we used to. What if this ends up not being a big deal, in any way? What if it's So what? Oh, we met, big whoop. What if she isn't like I've known her, even? What if she's different in real life?

In the end, though, these thoughts were put to rest. In the end, it was still jess, the same old girl I've know for years, the same girl I've listened to so many problem upon problem, the same girl I fell in love with years ago. You could play her voice to me years later and I'll still recognize it.

And she was surprised, intensely, like I had wanted. And I cannot deny, there was something almost unreal about hugging her for the very first time. Ironically enough, as if I'd done it a million times and yet it actually was for the first time ever.

As we were waiting outside of the building where she had been having her graduation party so that we could follow her back to her house, Mallika asked me (funnily enough, for the first time since I had asked if she wanted to accompany driving with me) why I had bothered to make this 6 hour long trip to Ohio and back, at risk of being caught for going. I had figured someone would ask. And - I have a terribly unbreakable habit of playing out scenarios of daily life in my head - I had imagined how this question might go. Would it be brief? Would I end up telling the whole story, emotions and all included?

It ended up being very brief, just the outline of the story, but (in answering) I wound up really articulating why I had bothered to make such a trip. As I told Mallika how I had dated jess and mentioned how we had been through so much together - well, she's such a huge part of my life, how could I not make this trip? I'm terrible of keeping up with people (and my onslaughts of depression and unstable moods makes this so for even those I'm direly close to, no matter how close) but even years from now, we'll still be talking. I have a very strong feeling that we'll be seeing each other much more often once we get more independence.

jess is...well, jess is a lot of things, though she'll fool you and make you think she's not. And, like a lot of the really important women in my life, I'm still trying to make sense of what exactly she's done to me, how she's impacted my life.

So, I had to see her. Even if I don't do anything else this summer (ha, as if I'll allow that to happen...), I can definitely say it wasn't wasted.

I feel like just breathing, today. I don't want to try on too much...just breath. That - that will be enough.

Random things about me:

Listening to heavy metal through ear phones will always put me to sleep, just about. I love metal, but, if I'm not moving, there's just something absolutely lulling about it.

There's something so incredibly comforting about the night (when I'm not plagued with depression or stress). I love the morning (which is why I've been actually bothering to try to wake up earlier this year), but there's something regally gorgeous about the night.

I think I've almost fully lost faith in most of humanity - but this time I'm alright with that.

I really, really like quotes, even after all this time. Which doesn't make sense because all sorts of mishaps happen when you take things out of context like that - background is always direly important. But I still use them almost compulsively.

I really like contradictions. That's why, for example, both The Exorcist and Show Me Love are my favorite movies. There are some parts of The Exorcist that are just bad. Some of the acting still cracks me up in how over the top it seems, the violence is so rediculous sometimes to the point of me not able to take it seriously, and some of the choice of music and placement of that music is pathetic in how beating-you-over-the-head it is. Show Me Love is meant to be more like a home movie than a professional move in its film-work  so it's often incredibly awkward. Some of the actions of the characters are just funny in how bizarre they are. Yet both have these awesome themes and metaphors through them. Plus The Exorcist just nails so many parts, in terms of acting and what the characters are saying. They both basically cover all the bases, from dry humor (in part because of how ridiculous they sometimes are - I love awkward humor) to drama to fantastic filmwork to metaphors. It's a conglomorate mess that shouldn't work - and yet it does.

I would know I found the right girl if she proposed to me instead of the other way around, I almost definitely want to adopt in the future, and I'm completely okay with being securely lower middle class. All of these things about me terrify my mother.

I occasionally feel pathetic and selfish when my depression disables me to do anything or I feel unmotivated to do stuff because I know others have it so much worse than I do.

On the flip side of that, my dad was talking to me about my major a couple days ago, and I was explaining why, while I love history, I could never do it as a major; see, part of this is that you have to search through a ton of books and do research before a paper for history while English only requires wrestling with one text in a completely thorough fashion, which allows for a deeper and more thorough look through the text and I'm better at that than what I would have to do for history. My father thinks this means that I chose English because it's easier; he says as much with utter disgust. Well, one, no. I just explained what it was for you guys. However - so what if it was? You see, my dad also finds it so irritating and incapable of judging his oldest son for the fact that I'm slower at getting things done and put things off. Ignoring that fact that he can't let so trivial a thing such as the means I get things done (it's not like they don't get done) not get in the way of how he views and treats me, let me put it this way - I go suicidal periodically throughout the year. He should be happy I'm still breathing to this day. You see, I have to monitor what I do, when I do it, and how I do it because something as simple as doing something when I really don't feel like dealing with work can mess up my entire emotional well being for the day. Yes - I take a while to do things. I have to take a while to do them. For my well-being. To be honest, I'm not apologizing to my parents, ever, for how I've lived my life. Every choice I've made were well-thought-out, logical choices which I had to make in the face of their oppressive (in, honestly, places that didn't even begin to affect them, so I don't understand why they felt the need to intrude upon my autonomy), immature, and selfish "parenting". I've done things I regret - how I raised myself will never be one of them.
(sorry for dumping that on you guys, but I've needed to say something about that incident for a while now)

I just dropped my laptop off my bed; thankfully, it's okay.

I still have some of the coolest friends in the world.

I honestly can't take what little I've heard of Like Water From Chocolate by Common Sense seriously. It keeps sounding like he's trying to combine street rap (so saying purposely inappropriate things and trying to be "real") and political rap (so talking about revolutions and caring about the black community, etc.). He sounds like a fool; I may have lost nearly all respect for him from this album alone (though I still need to listen to the album more fully to really be able to speak on it; "6th Sense" off the album is nearly flawless, though).

I really want to get another rodent - and soon. I miss constantly caring about something, anything/anyone.
Thanks for the picture, Rachael

 

Btw, if it so interests any of you: http://www.themixtapeexchange.co.nr/