I was originally saving it for a date idea (because if the girl or guy ever said yes to such an idea, I'd know immediately I've picked a winner) but, seeing as I've been single for nearly a year now (we're not dwelling on the fact for too long, understand?), fuck that.
Who wants to have a picknik with me at midnight in the middle of an empty parking lot with a boombox/stereo of some sort playing our favorite music?
One of the things that I've always feared but have never had reason enough to worry about it as to mention it ever was how I might deal with moodswings in the future. I mean, as I've always said, relationship doesn't really include the I. It's almost always We, with an occasional-to-frequent You.
But, some of these days, I just don't want to deal with people. My ability to simply face situations is dwindling. And, sometimes, I'd rather slug a person than tolerate them to touch me. So what do I tell my spouse or my kids? Don't deal with me today, don't talk to me, though I can't bear to stand it? I've always hated to make others suffer for my own moods. They're my moods, my problems - other people don't deserve to have to deal with that burden. But that's a little more difficult when you live with people.
I'll be honest, I hate the notion. But I'm seemingly getting worse and I can't seem to ignore that anymore. Most days are spent just trying to keep myself emotionally stable than actually being productive in any foreseeable capacity.
Xhiddenxtearzx (6:43:39 PM): i love him jon.
SBI MEZ M86 (6:46:20 PM): then I'm happy for you. really happy. because you deserve to be happy. heh, life works out, occassionally
Xhiddenxtearzx (6:47:03 PM): =].
Xhiddenxtearzx (6:48:10 PM): if someone would've told me at the beginning of the school year that i'd feel this way about them i would've called them an idiot.
SBI MEZ M86 (6:48:46 PM): heh. nice
Xhiddenxtearzx (6:49:03 PM): i'm not kidding.
Xhiddenxtearzx (6:49:46 PM): and i can honestly say i've only ever felt like this once before.
SBI MEZ M86 (6:50:42 PM): really? then this seems to be genuine
SBI MEZ M86 (6:50:53 PM): not that I doubted it before
Xhiddenxtearzx (6:51:11 PM): whats genuine mean?
SBI MEZ M86 (6:52:12 PM): like, authentic. real.
Xhiddenxtearzx (6:52:31 PM): oh ok got it.
Xhiddenxtearzx (6:53:02 PM): wanna know something.
SBI MEZ M86 (6:53:21 PM): sure
Xhiddenxtearzx (6:55:48 PM): the only other person i've felt this for is you.
SBI MEZ M86 (6:58:44 PM): really? why? not like I don't believe you. you know. just curious. of all people
Xhiddenxtearzx (6:59:48 PM): honestly i dont know why...its just like i have this connection with the 2 of you that i've never had with a guy before...
Xhiddenxtearzx (7:00:41 PM): its weird i mean i just feel this connection with you and i feel it with anthony...i dont know exactly what it is..
SBI MEZ M86 (7:04:28 PM): yeah. I know what you mean. well, I told you you're the only person I'm able to say that about, before, so. heh. I'm glad we were able to keep this friendship, even after everything. 'cause you're a closer friend to me than most. and we have been through a lot that has connected us, as you said
Xhiddenxtearzx (7:05:33 PM): its just i feel as this is like a lifelong friendship no matter what happens...and that you'll always be there.
SBI MEZ M86 (7:06:11 PM): yeah. I think it is
Xhiddenxtearzx (7:06:22 PM): =] good.
Xhiddenxtearzx (7:09:02 PM): i'm always so happy when i get to talk to you =].
SBI MEZ M86 (7:13:28 PM): heh, same. you always are able to bring up my mood. and you're so easy to talk to
Xhiddenxtearzx (7:13:52 PM):=].
Sometime before Senior year started for high school, I decided I was going to make the most of my life as I could that year. I mean, it was my Senior year. I'm sure you know the expectations of such a year - your best of high school, yada yada, etc.
So, that's how I headed into it. I enjoyed every second of band camp as much as I could, from the marching to the yelling to the hanging with friends to the music. I asked out Laura for the second time. I really got to know and get closer to more people than I had before and really just truly appreciated how many amazing friends I really have (something which was driven so much more home when I went to college). I made the most of Prom.
Granted, I didn't go bungee jumping or anything. But I threw myself into everything I wanted to do, soaked up and enjoyed every part of any event that's been built up to be amazing or that I've come to expect to be amazing or fantastic. No regrets, no feeling sorry about things I didn't do. No worrying about the consequences or whatever. Granted, I didn't totally do all this (could you imagine me not regretting or beating myself up over the past entirely) but certainly did so to the best of my ability.
And that was the point.
As my life has gone through (major) changes and I've had to look at life differently, create more permanent certain outlooks on life - that hasn't changed all too much.
Now, as above might show, I don't mean traveling around the world when I have no way to afford it. It doesn't mean dropping my job to go do something else.
It means practical things which, given all the extra crap floating around in our lives and clogging up our energy and desire to do things, won't be dragged down and not fully enjoyed or just plain done when you don't have to not do it.
So, for example, taking a trip down to Ohio? Parents would never let me do it. I've never driven that far (or for that long) before. I would need to pay for the gas, too. I could get caught. Not to mention what if something goes wrong? My old self might've looked at these things (let's assume that my old self can drive as good as me now, however, and has all similar benefits of this age) and said, "Too much to plan. Too much that might go wrong." My new attitude's immediate response was - Let's - do - it.
See, I have this friend that I've known for roughly 4 to 5 years now. Her name's Jessica though almost everyone calls her Jessi and I call her jess.
I met jess back from an old ex of mine, Rachel. Because I am continually the epitome of cool, I was doing the really cool thing that everyone did back then (don't deny it) and had a long distance relationship online. See, Rachel lived in Ohio (which is not where I live; just, you know, so we're totally clear).
Funnily enough, Rachel and I didn't really go anywhere. As I recall, I dated her 3 days or so before I had to end it. Ironically, in that time, she happened to introduce me to jess. For whatever reason (I hardly ever bother to act first and almost always react to other people so it surprises me when I bother to pursue talking to others, especially for something as someone I met in a chatroom on AIM with my ex), jess and I developed a friendship after that first encounter.
Further more ironic, we became extremely close.
I'd have to look through old files and such to really understand how that progressed, but we talked more and more. Also just because of how jess is, I often knew exactly what was going on over there. Over time I got to know rather well even her cousins and what became a mutual friend of ours, Dillan.
I suppose that's what really helped the friendship, that I'd often get exact updates as to what was going on in terms of what people were doing, what was going on, etc. Maybe I've used AIM for so long (or, more likely, maybe I talk with so many people I see on day-to-day basises now) that I don't get such detail from people.
So, I talked to jess almost daily. Whenever she had a problem, something to complain about, or a problem that needed to be solved, I was there. We became incredibly close. So, what can I say? I fell for her. Not that I exactly realized it. But my relationship with jess, and the long and complicated history that goes with that, is a story that's really for another time. The thing to take away here is that we wound up dating; and, as the AIM conversation above might indicate, we both fell in love with each other. And that's not been something I've said lightly for 2 or 3 years now, nor something I'd say I fall easily into.
Well, to be truly cursory, we broke up. That time was a long (it's scary how far away these days seem more and more) time ago. We've talked less and less.
Not to say we're not still close. But we do talk significantly less. I'm not involved in jess's daily life, though I keep up with the major stuff (she graduated at the top of her class, got to deliver a speech to the school because of it, etc.). And, well, jess was always more of the talker while I just listened.
And, despite all of this stuff we'd been through (and we've actually been through a lot, for people living in two opposite states - she nearly died several times and I had to find her help, I've talked her through situations when she was worried about hyperventilation, and other (less threatening) stuff) - we'd still never met in person.
I mean, that was something I'm sure both of us figured would happen someday. But I couldn't possibly convince my parents to go down to Ohio, of all places, and I have no car. And I couldn't expect that she'd be able to do it, seeing as she's 2 or 3 years younger than me (depending on the time in the year).
Well, despite my patience (which my dad continually reminds me of - though, it's a bad example because, compared to him, it's very easy to be more patient), I can be quite impatient at times.
I wanted to see jess, in person, and I didn't feel like waiting anymore. Like I said, my old self would probably have said, "Woah, hold up now. I have at least 5 possible problems already. Can we think about (and only think about) this idea?" Me now said, "Can you come up with a rough, feasible plan? Life's for living, let's do it!"
Her birthday is June 10th. As a (late) birthday present, I decided to leave Saturday, the 12th, to go see her.
So, telling my parents I was going to see a friend at around 8:30-9 in the morning, I took off to go pick up my friend Mallika. And, together, we began our drive to Ohio.
That was loads of fun. I wish I had some of the pictures we had taken to post, but I'm afraid I don't. But other than that and the many (many) things we discussed (some serious, some funny) along with the music we played on the way there, it was mostly just driving (and more driving). I hope you'll understand if I'd rather not recall specifics of conversation, and such; just trust it was good fun?
Probably a statement of how close jess and I are, at first there didn't even seem to be anything weird about finally seeing her. She wasn't going to throw anything (in terms of behavior or what she'd say) at me that I wouldn't expect.
But, as we neared, I started going over all doubts and such (my mind likes to exercise all possible arguments; this isn't always helpful because it sometimes causes me to doubt otherwise sound decisions).
I mean, was I going there just because it was big and something to do, a cap to our never meeting thing? Or did I actually want to really see her? I mean, shouldn't I be more...I dunno, feel weird, than this? What would she say? I mean, we don't even talk as much as we used to. What if this ends up not being a big deal, in any way? What if it's So what? Oh, we met, big whoop. What if she isn't like I've known her, even? What if she's different in real life?
In the end, though, these thoughts were put to rest. In the end, it was still jess, the same old girl I've know for years, the same girl I've listened to so many problem upon problem, the same girl I fell in love with years ago. You could play her voice to me years later and I'll still recognize it.
And she was surprised, intensely, like I had wanted. And I cannot deny, there was something almost unreal about hugging her for the very first time. Ironically enough, as if I'd done it a million times and yet it actually was for the first time ever.
As we were waiting outside of the building where she had been having her graduation party so that we could follow her back to her house, Mallika asked me (funnily enough, for the first time since I had asked if she wanted to accompany driving with me) why I had bothered to make this 6 hour long trip to Ohio and back, at risk of being caught for going. I had figured someone would ask. And - I have a terribly unbreakable habit of playing out scenarios of daily life in my head - I had imagined how this question might go. Would it be brief? Would I end up telling the whole story, emotions and all included?
It ended up being very brief, just the outline of the story, but (in answering) I wound up really articulating why I had bothered to make such a trip. As I told Mallika how I had dated jess and mentioned how we had been through so much together - well, she's such a huge part of my life, how could I not make this trip? I'm terrible of keeping up with people (and my onslaughts of depression and unstable moods makes this so for even those I'm direly close to, no matter how close) but even years from now, we'll still be talking. I have a very strong feeling that we'll be seeing each other much more often once we get more independence.
jess is...well, jess is a lot of things, though she'll fool you and make you think she's not. And, like a lot of the really important women in my life, I'm still trying to make sense of what exactly she's done to me, how she's impacted my life.
So, I had to see her. Even if I don't do anything else this summer (ha, as if I'll allow that to happen...), I can definitely say it wasn't wasted.
I don't know where it came from or how I developed such a dependence on it, but, as some of you may have caught on to by now, I have an obsession (of sorts) with movements, causes, and ideals.
While I don't like the notion of having something I need to follow in order for personal happiness that I can't rightly explain why I need it in my life, it's not the worst obsession to have.
But I see now that I probably will have to incorporate it more deeply into my life.
Whoever I may happen to fall into with in the future (heh, if such things will happen in the future), I think I'm going to need someone devoted to some sort of cause, a high sense of dedicated ideals - more so than I ever expected from anyone in the past.
I want someone with a deep desire for more than what they're given. Admittedly, like I do. I need a dreamer. I want someone to swap philosophies with, to get passionate about civil rights issues for hours at a time, who I can tease and joke about ideals with, because I know they have said ideals.
I want someone who believes deeply in something so much greater than themselves, who I can share such appreciation for said systems and beliefs and causes and cultures and movements in them.
This whole "sleeping" and "doing things on time" thing I need to get better at....
So, I was doing a quick update look on everyone before heading to bed and happened to be looking through some icons from http://ycant-heloveme.xanga.com/. As I was looking, I had one of those moments where you have a familiar feeling, often that was associated with something particular.
For whatever reason (okay, that's slightly stupid to say; most of the icons had, in some fashion, something to do with "love" but that it was this particular feeling that arose struck me by surprise), it was that feeling of being in a relationship you're eager to be in, that's important and dear to you, yet you really don't know how long it'll last, that apprehension and blatant chance.
It was weird. I guess the best way to explain is that I knew it'd take a while so I decided to put on something to listen to.
Largely due to my sister wanting it, I had recently gotten Michael Bublé's "Haven't Met You Yet". If you haven't heard it yet, it's this ridiculously upbeat and optimistic song. I know that my cousin seems to find my high critique of art these days as a strain of pretentiousness, but the song is optimism in the fashion that only Pop could mass produce. While undeniably catchy (and, I'm learning, rather impressive in terms of the instrumentation), it basically widdles down the pursuit for a mate to the notion that, in the end, everything will be okay because (unfailingly) the right person will come along in the end - he just hasn't met them yet.
So, I put this on for a little ear candy as I finish up my update checking. And almost immediately the mood was killed.
Well, odd. I've used upbeat songs for browsing depressing icons late at night while feeling utterly awful to good use before. Why should it not work this time? The mood certainly wasn't a depressing one. It was ticklingly pleasant, actually.
So, I stop the song and go back over those icons, seeing if I can get back the feeling.
Well, yes, it was definitely a happy feeling, even if slitheringly so. It was one of hope, most definitely. That kind of impending apprehension, as I said before; like you know you're possibly entering something really fucking great, and you're eager to begin.
Yet there was something else there too. Like I said, apprehension. A hesitance, an almost fear.
As I said above, "you really don't know how long it'll last, that[...]blatant chance." And yet...
I wasn't turned off by this notion.
Which, really, was beyond odd to me. Loss, in most cases, is not considered a good thing by the sane-minded. Naturally, security in that you won't lose something tends to go with that.
It was in the way I was just reading the icons, really, that gives it away. Just look at that last icon, reread that first sentence as if you don't know what the answer will be. And yet the entire time you know that, hey, just possibly, it's likely the answer you want it to be.
And that high so drives you, despite you knowing it could decide to kick itself out from under you when it pleases. Against your instinctual judgement, you pursue after it.
But it's also that returned act. That feeling when they respond, when they actually respond to that request for a kiss, when you actually take that chance and it happens to work out as you wanted.
It's that concept of trust - and, shit, that someone actually cared enough to do as you trusted them to. It's an astounding feeling. And, really, far more accurate a one than "Haven't Met You Yet" gets at (I can only guess that this was the reason the mood dissipated as soon as I started playing the song). I've said this before in an adequate enough way, but I seem to find it important enough to repeat (or I wouldn't have bothered to write this post (admittedly, I nearly decided I didn't need to)): no, you have no guarantee that she or he will be magically waiting for you before the end; Hell, you have no guarantee that you'll even end up with someone you'll be happy with.
Again, I will strongly argue, the really cool and amazing and arresting (and terrifying and mind-fucking) thing about relationships is that concept that suddenly half of the control is just gone. It's not just you anymore – you have to rely on someone else's actions.
Now, of course, it's a little easier to look back fondly on this concept from the perspective of it working (i.e. these icons I've listed above). It's far less pleasant to speak kindly of this trust concept when it turns out that it didn't work, that the relationship is actually ending (whether in flames or calmly).
Yet it's really not fully avoidable. Any relationship you enter – it probably won't work out. You're almost amusingly naïve if you think otherwise. And, to be frank, you're childish if you think that every break up will absolutely be their fault; only my mother seems to find that the actual act of breaking up is a crime. People are allowed not to like you.
And yet – I like that feeling. For all its risks, it's likelihoods of falling through – there's absolutely something about taking that risk on someone, of actually feeling like such a myriad of possibilities as a successful relationship might possibly work out for you. It's that, "Hey, they returned my affection –they're interested in me," surprised fuzziness.
To be honest, it's far more satisfying a feeling than the notion that someone is out there who is right for you, you've just got to wait along enough.
Sure, I've got more at stake – but, like I've said many many times before (and probably will many many times throughout the rest of my life), the personality is so fascinating a thing. And the emotions and complexity of the human is all too endearing. Resting that trust in someone and all the many many things that means and the many many things that goes with that risk – I'd much rather have that.
Random things about me:
Listening to heavy metal through ear phones will always put me to sleep, just about. I love metal, but, if I'm not moving, there's just something absolutely lulling about it.
There's something so incredibly comforting about the night (when I'm not plagued with depression or stress). I love the morning (which is why I've been actually bothering to try to wake up earlier this year), but there's something regally gorgeous about the night.
I think I've almost fully lost faith in most of humanity - but this time I'm alright with that.
I really, really like quotes, even after all this time. Which doesn't make sense because all sorts of mishaps happen when you take things out of context like that - background is always direly important. But I still use them almost compulsively.
I really like contradictions. That's why, for example, both The Exorcist and Show Me Love are my favorite movies. There are some parts of The Exorcist that are just bad. Some of the acting still cracks me up in how over the top it seems, the violence is so rediculous sometimes to the point of me not able to take it seriously, and some of the choice of music and placement of that music is pathetic in how beating-you-over-the-head it is. Show Me Love is meant to be more like a home movie than a professional move in its film-work so it's often incredibly awkward. Some of the actions of the characters are just funny in how bizarre they are. Yet both have these awesome themes and metaphors through them. Plus The Exorcist just nails so many parts, in terms of acting and what the characters are saying. They both basically cover all the bases, from dry humor (in part because of how ridiculous they sometimes are - I love awkward humor) to drama to fantastic filmwork to metaphors. It's a conglomorate mess that shouldn't work - and yet it does.
I would know I found the right girl if she proposed to me instead of the other way around, I almost definitely want to adopt in the future, and I'm completely okay with being securely lower middle class. All of these things about me terrify my mother.
I occasionally feel pathetic and selfish when my depression disables me to do anything or I feel unmotivated to do stuff because I know others have it so much worse than I do.
On the flip side of that, my dad was talking to me about my major a couple days ago, and I was explaining why, while I love history, I could never do it as a major; see, part of this is that you have to search through a ton of books and do research before a paper for history while English only requires wrestling with one text in a completely thorough fashion, which allows for a deeper and more thorough look through the text and I'm better at that than what I would have to do for history. My father thinks this means that I chose English because it's easier; he says as much with utter disgust. Well, one, no. I just explained what it was for you guys. However - so what if it was? You see, my dad also finds it so irritating and incapable of judging his oldest son for the fact that I'm slower at getting things done and put things off. Ignoring that fact that he can't let so trivial a thing such as the means I get things done (it's not like they don't get done) not get in the way of how he views and treats me, let me put it this way - I go suicidal periodically throughout the year. He should be happy I'm still breathing to this day. You see, I have to monitor what I do, when I do it, and how I do it because something as simple as doing something when I really don't feel like dealing with work can mess up my entire emotional well being for the day. Yes - I take a while to do things. I have to take a while to do them. For my well-being. To be honest, I'm not apologizing to my parents, ever, for how I've lived my life. Every choice I've made were well-thought-out, logical choices which I had to make in the face of their oppressive (in, honestly, places that didn't even begin to affect them, so I don't understand why they felt the need to intrude upon my autonomy), immature, and selfish "parenting". I've done things I regret - how I raised myself will never be one of them.
(sorry for dumping that on you guys, but I've needed to say something about that incident for a while now)
I just dropped my laptop off my bed; thankfully, it's okay.
I still have some of the coolest friends in the world.
I honestly can't take what little I've heard of Like Water From Chocolate by Common Sense seriously. It keeps sounding like he's trying to combine street rap (so saying purposely inappropriate things and trying to be "real") and political rap (so talking about revolutions and caring about the black community, etc.). He sounds like a fool; I may have lost nearly all respect for him from this album alone (though I still need to listen to the album more fully to really be able to speak on it; "6th Sense" off the album is nearly flawless, though).
I really want to get another rodent - and soon. I miss constantly caring about something, anything/anyone.
Thanks for the picture, Rachael
Btw, if it so interests any of you: http://www.themixtapeexchange.co.nr/
And, to be certain, I'm no angel in this whole thing.
I had meant to write something in regard to what happened with Allison for half a year now, but I've always had this habit of taking forever to get to things.
As I said once before, all too often, I find myself talking in terms of my ex-girlfriends because I think I've learned so much of them. Sometimes it's from my own fucking up.
I'm mostly doing this because, once again, there's not really ever been a full explanation of it. I remember shortly after we had broken up she happened to run into me when I was hanging with Vikki (and I want to say someone else, but I cannot remember) - which isn't surprising, considering me and Allison often spent a lot of time after school before.
Vikki and I were being our usual selves and oddly wrapped around each other or lying over the other one. So, naturally, when Vikki was off doing something else, Allison asked if Vikki and I were a couple. To which I, accordingly, felt ashamed because the poor girl was probably thinking I had left her to go to Vikki. This was not the case; Vikki and I have always just had no sense of private space. After telling Allison no, she (of course) asks why we had broken up. If I remember, she brought up some possible cause that, to me, should have never mattered in the grand scheme of things. More than anything, though, I remember how utterly vulnerable she looked.
For a girl with so much unfair crap to work through and who could put on a façade when she wanted to (or perhaps it was just instinctual at times), it always surprises me how easily she'll let people in or just throw down her defenses at you - almost to say, "Go ahead, do as you will. I'm in your hands now."
I remember standing there, uncomfortable, and just responding, "I don't know." Bullshit excuse, no? Hah, it always is, when you don't mean it.
And yet, roughly a year and a half later, that's still the only answer I have. I have no clue why something which, by any reasonable measuring, should have been markedly longer (for one) and more meaningful than it ended up having to settle for should have just burnt out so brutally and suddenly.
Maybe I should start a little bit more towards the beginning?
I can't remember how I met Allison exactly. Okay, let me take that back. I distinctly remember my first memory of Allison. She was a Freshman and standing next to a friend of hers in the hallway that many of the bandies swarmed after they were kicked out of in front of the band room, trying to shake her ass, and going, "____, look. Look." I can't remember the exact point she was trying to make (I think a reference to something; it was just a random dance of some sort). I just remember shaking my head and thinking, "Good God, Freshmen…."
At that time, I doubt I knew her name. I later ran into her and she said she thought we knew each other when she was trying to tell me why someone else I just barely had seen around and talked to 3 times at most was not at school that day. This actually makes more sense than it would seem. I'm the type to consider someone I just met a friend and, back in the day, would be certain to get their attention every time I saw them and say hello to them. It was a social mechanism I had picked up from Middle School, when I was a wall flower and getting acquaintances was good enough as far as I was concerned for human interaction.
The reason I'm "uncertain as to how I met Allison" is because after those moments, I don't know when barely seeing her and saying no more than 2 words to her turned into spending a ton of time with her. I just remember she was one of those who unexplainably just got a crush on me and then pursued me like all Hell.
She usually had to spend time after school for some type of job. I was usually after school because I could then use the computers there for hours on end with no interruption and seeing friends over my parents at home was always more worthwhile. My next memories of her are staying after school. Its this time I remember her interested in trying to date me. I don't exactly remember how she made this known, however. I do remember it wasn't direct, like a blunt statement of it.
However, Laura and I had just broken up for the first time. And there was no way in Hell anyone was getting to me after that one, no matter how hard they tried. And tried Allison did. While only one person possibly came upon my radar during those 4 months of being single (*cough*Kari*cough*), Allison did make it clear she was interested in me. And I, of course, was hesitant. It finally came to a head after school one night when I was heading out to get picked up by my dad.
Allison is standing there with me (as I remember it) with herself wrapped around me. I'm kinda not really reacting in hopes that she'll get the idea. She says something which I can't seem to remember anymore. I ask, "So, where do we go from here?" She pauses, then looks at me and kinda pats my shoulder, responding, "I'm gonna think about it." Then adds as a side thought, "Yes, I do think about things, Jon," as if I've bought into the rumors about her and assume this.
So, now I must actually give hard thought to this. So I mull it around for a good day…and finally decide that, no, I'm not really over Laura, so forget it, I'm just going to have to tell Allison I'm not interested.
Well, next time I see her, she's dating Steve Chevalia. Well, admittedly, I found her needing to think about something she had been pursuing quite intently for a while now uncharacteristic of her and something she made up to have an excuse to drop the previous. Steve seems to confirm this. "Great, another Lilly," I think to myself. Well, fine, I'm not really bothered, considering I didn't want it to go anywhere and I was kinda being obnoxious beforehand by not really giving a response and so I find it to basically be fair. Whatever was actually going on during those odd times then (because it paints us both in a semi-poor light and I hardly consider my memory to be able to accurately portray her), I chalk it up to being young on both our sides.
Anyway, fast forward, Laura and I date for 2 months and break up. I can't remember during the spans of when Allison and I first started kinda getting involved to when we finally went out what the order or things we did together were. So just assume that the following events happened at some point during this entire time. I hate that I can't remember, because it deprives us of the perspective of time and my own opinions and thoughts during the moments. But oh well. During this time spans, we had a habit of going to the practice rooms. Despite the reputation these had gotten by now, all we did was talk. I'd often play some variation of a minor cord for her, since she enjoyed that. She was always emotionally upset during these times. It was mostly melancholy. And she just shed so much for me during these times, letting me in and know things that, with anyone else, I would expect a much longer time to get there. Naturally, for the sake of her own privacy, none of what happened there gets repeated. But we did get closer during that time. At some point a little later, we started talking over FB messages. She was often grounded, though her iPhone wasn't taken away, so we were able to talk through that. I'm going to have to assume that this was after Laura and I broke up.
So. Now we finally get to about the time when the two of us go out. I (think I) am over Laura and Allison is a multilayered and interesting person. Sure, she'd require work, as far as a relationship works, because she's not simplistic but shouldn't I do something because it's worth it, not because it's easy? And it shouldn't be thought I just jumped into this. I talked to one of her exes about it and really started thinking critically about the idea.
Finally, I decide, yeah, let's do it.
And, again, by any reasonable measuring, this should have been a fine relationship. Allison is right down my alley as far as people I'd be interested in. She's smart, thinks outside of the box, quirky in her own ways, deceptively average, kinda clingy and definitely passionate, willing to question things, etc. etc. Oh, and she had a love for music. Um, yes please.
And, more than anything, she was in certain ways still developing. Which makes sense, considering she was a Sophomore in high school at the time. But it's significant because I always seem drawn to those who are independent enough to stand on their own and can actually teach me (I always need people who are willing enough to push me or make the first move - but, still need me in some way and end up not being overbearing). But they're still learning, they're still figuring shit out. They still need me. It's a difficult balance to find, let me assure you.
So, the first three days? Downright fantastic. The first day alone was perfect. I'm happier than I've been in a while.
It all was actually kinda weird. I remember the first day of us going out, everyone I saw was all, "You're going out with Allison!!!1!1!ONEONE". The second half of the day I saw all the friends who where, "You're going out with Allison…? Ew…" Admittedly, she had a reputation, though I didn't care. Some of the things said was that she was stupid (which is the dumbest thing you could possibly ever say about her), that she was a slut, or just some really stupid shit (she's obnoxious, whine whine whine). Part of what just made her astounding was what was said about her, how much of that was in any sense true, and then how she responded to it all. I'm partially saying empty phrases, for you had to have known her to understand what I'm getting at, but the way that she handled herself, and when taken in consideration with what was said about her, was just powerful. Now, I'm talking from a somewhat keyhole view. While I did get to know her in a quicker amount of time than would have happened with most other people, it certainly wasn't everything and my view may be skewed. But she had one Hell of a personality and personage.
And then…something happened. And I italicize happened because that's just it. The emphasis isn't on some outside thing - because I don't know what changed. It's the fact that it occurred, not what caused it. Because, as I said at the start of this – I don't know.
And it irritates me to this day. Let's go over it.
Well, maybe it would have been wise not to start dating Allison 2 weeks after breaking up with Laura for the second time?
True, however, I didn't even realize that until Laura mentioned it. In fact, I hadn't paid any attention to the amount of time that passed at all (which is why I take special care to check how much time passes after a break up these days; it still surprises me how quickly I think time has passed after those, though it actually hasn't). And, going off of that still, you could argue I rushed it without thinking about it but I didn't. I talked to one of her exes, I thought about it. It wasn't a rash decision. I rarely make those, I'm so damn hesitant all the time.
Okay then, maybe instead of making out all the time with her, you should have spent more time focusing on her.
Once again, a good point - but I didn't think of that then. It's true, I'm far more turned on by personality than anything else. But I didn't realize that most of our time spent together didn't really focus on who we were and more on the usual mores of dating (holding hands, cuddling, making out - lots of making out). It's something to learn and something I should have done, but not something I intentionally avoided.
And, of course, why did I choose to not break it off as soon as I realized something was wrong but chose not to drag it out even longer then? Two weeks is a pretty short amount of time to date anyone, in any circumstance. Not to mention that most of Allison's previous relationships were only 2 weeks as well.
To be honest, I didn't break it off after 3 days because that felt absolutely insulting. And like I was just giving up. I thought it was bad enough I wanted to break up with her, why would I add the insult of only 3 days of time? Okay, then, since I seemed so dearly concerned with not insulting her by a short break up, why 2 weeks? That's still short. Well, my own experience with break up, really. I've been in the situation where you're in a relationship that you actually care about. You want it to work, damn it. But the other person doesn't quite feel the same way. And either they just don't care about putting effort into the relationship or they don't want it to continue but don't want to break up with you because they're afraid of the consequences. But of course, you don't know this when you're going out with them. You usually have a hunch, but you know everything for certain after the break up. So you get dragged along with all the emotions and feelings that go along with that experience until the break up finally happens. Now, if you're in the position of wanting to break up, you usually realize this about a month in at the shortest. Alright, now you know - break up with them and don't drag them along. It becomes a bit more complicated when you've only dated them for 3 days. Maybe I should have done something else. Maybe I shouldn't've waited. Maybe I should have. Maybe I should have just let her know what was going on. But, while I was already completely confused by a situation that I didn't understand and simultaneously worried about how it would effect her, I made the choice I did with the best judgement I could muster.
And I'll never forget the look on her face when I finally did it. I was uncomfortable all over, of course. And so, as I saw her that morning, I pulled her to the side and said, "I have to talk with you." In this almost comic fashion, she responds in an overly played up, "Oh? Are you going to break my heart?" And this should sound almost childish, right? But no. The sugarcoated cheerfulness of it, the sound of it almost ringing of that "innocent" femininity that's been fetishized to such an extreme makes it all the more mocking, in its own way. Like, "Really? You're going to do this to me?" Of course, I respond yes. I don't remember if we said anything after that. All I remember is after she says she'll see me later, she turns - and at that moment slips up. After acting happy this entire time, her facial expression is bitter, it's angry; it's restrained. It was just a second. Just a glance as she was turning away and her face said everything. And all I could think to myself was, "Scumbag…"
So I don't know. I wish I did, but I don't know why it didn't work. Fittingly, I kinda got it all kicked into my face afterwards. During the summer, me and her kept up communication. I can't remember if we did during the time between break up and the summer, but I know we definitely conversed during the summer. And like Hell we did.
I was just discovering the amazing-ness of sleeping in, which resulted in me not being capable of falling asleep until 5 in the morning. Allison did not aid this by talking to me. So we just talked, for hours on end, for a full month (like, everyday). About everything. And I will probably never have anything like this again. It was normal conversations to questioning why we do things and why people think what they do. From the concrete to the abstract. Absolutely fantastic.
Heh, and, basically, it was like, "Oh, this is what I gave up…?" Again, fitting, appropriate, and just. Sometimes life actually fits those descriptions.
I suppose what irritates me more than anything is - she trusted me. She let me in, she put trust in me. You know, I wasn't just some new boyfriend or something, I was one in a long line of boyfriends. I should have been different. Instead, I ended up just being like some of the others. Which is pathetic and so much less than what she deserved.
Despite only dating her for 2 weeks, I rank Allison easily among those exes of mine which have actually left some discernible mark of change on me. Fact is, I'm learning that I easily get bored with people (I mean in general, not in terms of dating). It's not that typically they're stunted (at least, not those I know; the main populace, that's debatable). It's just that so often they're willing to settle, to just be like everything else or just accept what they're told. They're interesting enough people, capable of commanding logic and reason in an acceptable enough fashion. But they don't bother to go beyond. They're content to just settle.
I can't say Allison is one of the few people I respect. Because there's a lot of people I respect, for various reasons. But with Allison (with the girl I knew then, at minimum, if this is not true now, though I'd be surprised if it wasn't), I continue to be amazed by just, fundamentally, who she is. I don't know if I could properly communicate this concept to you.
But again, I repeat, she deserved far more than she received from me. Any person has a right to better treatment than that, I think.
I'm not entirely sure why I'm writing about this now, about 4 years after the fact. But I suppose it's because there actually isn't anywhere I've really made any note of it, other than in passing to other people. Plus, it seems out of place for me never to mention it. And I don't talk things out enough and tend to keep them inside all the time.
In any case, back during the beginning of Sophomore year of high school, I dated a certain Lilly (as some will remember). That was...an interesting experience, in a multitude of ways.
It was one of those moments (that continue to just confuse me) where I meet a girl, and she immediately pursues me after the first few seconds with absolute abandon. Actually, up until Allison, these instances had the accurate and logical result of the girl realizing she made a big mistake and getting the Hell out thereafter.
In any case, for a short background update, I can tell Lilly is hitting on me. But I'm still trying to end getting into a relationship again with girlfriend number 3 (Rachel Bird) before getting into any other relationship. That and I was probably shy explains my non-reactions. However, eventually Lilly gets fed up and exclaims, "You realize I've been flirting with you, right?!" I tell her yes, and roughly try to explain my non-reaction. She, I think, misunderstands. Some kind of really amusing (in retrospect) petty fight results due to this. Eventually we both get back on the same page and decide to go out.
Of course, the only warning I really get about this adventure I'm about to embark on is from a just budding friendship with Victoria Mendez in the form of a cryptic remark of, "I love Lilly, but that girl just doesn't think sometimes." (at least, to the best of my memory, I think that's she said).
Well, Lilly's means of getting my attention to begin with may be telling of her means of communication back then - in other words, she'll have a distinct idea of what she wanted you to do and she'll hint at it plenty but she expects you to get it and just act on it. Of course, if you do the wrong thing, she wasn't entirely too pleased anyway.
Those who know me can see the problem already. While I probably wasn't nearly as shy and hesitant then as I became, for a girl who seemed to want to move quickly and would have loved plenty just spending hours necking, I was not the right type by any sense.
Granted, I'll be the first to admit, I was a rather awful boyfriend, as far as things go. Consistently hesitant and utterly new to this, it...was painfully awkward.
The only good moment I can think of was a moment when (I believe) Val noticed her and realized that she had thrown a pencil down from the second floor near the band room and it had hit him on the first floor. After she apologized, he said, "Hug?" to which I responded, "Uh, no..." and pulled her in towards me. Otherwise, just painfully awkward moments of expectations and failure of those expectations.
Alright, so I wasn't the most socially competent boyfriend ever. Just break up with me and it's over, right? No, not quite. First Lilly decides to make out with Max Vistitsky while dating me (something he still continues to apologize for, though I hardly hold any form of grudge towards him over it). Then, because this is the mindset Lilly thought in back then, she decides she wants to break up with me. But, of course, because Lilly has these expectations and is unwilling to simply state them, she opts for making the relationship as awful as possible in order to get me to break up with her. So, she ignores me when I'm there. Avoids me a few times. Spends a time going on about how hot some guys in a Manga are with Miriam while I'm sitting there. Maybe other stuff, but I can't remember.
Well, because I can be stubborn at times, I decide I'm not going to break up with her because, if she wants wants it so badly, she ought to be the one to do it. After about a week, she finally does it (the cliché trappings of "You're a really great guy, but" and all).
The amusing aspect was the Duxlers coming up to me before it actually happened (though at this point I knew it was coming) and going, "We're really sorry Jon" only to realize afterwards they're a little early (this is why I love those two; heh, no, that wasn't even a bit of sarcasm). And then finding out that a week before this she had started dating some 19-year-old online who's in Australia.
Significance of it all? Well, it pretty much laid the path of my "dating abilities" for the future. Basically, it set in place my complete hesitation when it would come to dating in the future, the worrying that would essentially make something as simple as taking a person's hand pretty much legitimately impossible, etc.
Now, I do want to be clear, I'm not in any way saying that this is the Lilly now. The two of us don't exactly hold long-drawn conversations, etc. these days and it's obviously been a while since 4 years ago. However, I am stating things as they were then.
In the grand scheme of things, it does have a relevance.
I find it interesting these days when I talk to others about relationships and what they hope for in love. This is largely because how I understand the concept has very radically changed from simply half a year or a year ago.
It’s interesting to see, almost, the way that these concepts of a relationship are continually painted as being very easy, natural, and almost as if expected.
“You can all fall in love; it just is a matter of time.”
Or my favorite is the one where the two walk past each other and just happen to be struck by this realization. It’s nice, and it’s sweet, it really is (my voice is actually not supposed to be heavily sarcastic right now like it usually tends to be).
But you go through enough relationships and you realize it really isn’t like that. Actually, they’re just at the surface and there’s a depth more to look through.
Hmm, how can I properly get these thoughts across? I suppose it’s the difference from entering a relationship thinking of an end and then entering a relationship knowing it probably won’t work out. Heh, it sounds somewhat downing yet that’s the fact of the matter. The point of dating is for enjoying the moments that happen. As I’ve said previously, my past exes do share an importance and a lot of that does lie it the memories they’ve given me and the lessons they’ve taught me. There are people I adore because of what I’ve learned about them during that time of higher intimacy.
But it probably won’t last. Usually won’t. And you’ve got to understand that. In all brutal honesty, I expect that I won’t end up with anyone in the end. And I’m alright with that. Not everything ideal in life works out. As soon as I get capable of supporting myself and others firmly with no fear of otherwise, if not involved with anyone else, I’m going to adopt. I’m not going to slow my life around this.
Now, of course, this is a worst case scenario. To what degree things lean in that direction regardless, it’s the point you realize that the past moments and connections were very much worth it and understanding that clinging and expecting all payout from the Goal and final ending is unrealistic.
The other aspect is knowing what to expect in a relationship and from the person. When we’re young, we have basic expectations. Generally, they’re very, very minimal. As things go on, they may get slightly more specific. They need to be gentle, caring, smart, etc. etc.
But we don’t think about the little things in the relationship.
Are things awkward when you’re with zir (gender-neutral pronoun; think “him or her”) or do they flow in a way that’s satisfying for both people?
Do the cons outweigh or are totally not bothering to us or do the pros outweigh (we’re so used to thinking ze’ll be so perfect there will be nothing which you dislike. Hehe…think again)?
Can ze support you? Meaning, is ze enough to keep you sustained or are you left wanting more, feeling like something’s missing?
Better yet, can you recognize when it’s that you’re missing something and when it’s simply that you’re being naïve or expecting more than ze can give you or than you ought to expect realistically?
The common theme between all of the above? They’re gray areas. And they’ve all been even simplified here. They’re far more complex, individual, and dependent on specific situations that I cannot begin to even think of them all. Further, I’ve only listed 5, which is a far lower amount of those gray areas than there are.
A relationship – while I largely do still believe, and will continue to argue, that a relationship is very much flowers and compliments and cute gifts – is the nitty gritty. It’s “Does this bother you?” It’s making sure you’re able to properly articulate what bothers you to the other person (which is a lot harder than you’d think) and both of you being able to handle it. It’s making sure you’re open to each other and making sure you both work to making the relationship work. It’s the boring little details that are more than just gazing at each other lovingly or teasing and laughing with each other.
Again, I stress, those things are not unimportant – rather, they’re as important as the other stuff I’ve added. But you must have both in must, must deal with both, when dealing with a relationship.
And when you’ve realized this – well, I find that this difficult, irritating, tiresome and energy draining, time consuming, complex ordeal is all the more astounding. It’s all the more worthwhile. Hats off to those who manage to make it work, because it’s quite a daunting task which I’m not even sure I’ll ever accomplish.
Suddenly that person is all the more dynamic. Suddenly that the two of you work is more puzzling, more thankful and enjoyable. Alright, I think that’s enough of abstracts that are failing to get across what I’m trying to say anyway (hence why the list of them). I can’t really get at what it’s like.
But it’s that weird moment when you aren’t actually bothered by the difficulty or that the odds are stacked against you. I don’t look at relationship with this expectation to “succeed” anymore – I just want a glimpse of the person I’m involved with (and, hopefully, to have that develop even further and further into a solid friendship) and to have no regrets come that crash. If things are gonna burn out in flames, I want those flames to be so fierce and bright that those at a distance are taken in awe. Let me get wasted out and remind me that I’m alive, that I feel – that it all actually meant something, that’s why it hurts so damn bad.
Now, obviously, that’s not the ideal ending. Ideally, if things do end, they should end on a peaceful note. But don’t just waste it. Don’t mourne because it ended, or maybe unhappy because it wasn’t more, that it didn’t end up being love but just maybe two weeks – appreciate that nonetheless. It meant something, does mean something.
A friend asked me what I wanted in a companion. I responded:
And, in light of this, I understand that, really, so simplistic of wanting for a relationship and in a person is difficult to acheive. But that’s what makes it so damn amazing. That really doesn't explain it. But I'm starting to think that in order to understand, you've just got to witness it yourself.
A related video. If only all pop stuff this complex and non-simplistic (or formulaic) – basically, intelligent – and I might not actually hate the stuff so much then.
And, because who doesn't need a bit of Scrubs all the time?
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