It's still kind of weird thinking I may or may not be allergic to certain sea food. I'm definitely staying away from clams for life, but I kind of miss actually enjoying shrimp.

Today starts changes in the way I handle school. Plot out what needs to be done - do it, no distractions. I'm cutting into my time for dinner with this entry.

The issue is I'm nailed up against a wall, a bit. I've given up on Orgo, to be honest. I'm hoping to get the grade drop, but, if I can't, there's really no point to keep hoping at this point; I have no clue what's going on in the class.

And, really, I ought to be using the time for my other classes. I need to focus on my research paper and I need to focus on my previous paper for history - I have little idea what I'm doing, in total. Plus, I've recieved two C- papers for both english and philosophy today. Chem. is an indulgence of sorts - one I don't need.

I can't remember if I've ever remarked it here. I probably have, way back when in the past. Certainly somewhere, if not Xanga. Like many things in life, it connects to other ideas (mainly that idea of being alive versus living). When things got near to unbarable but you were too frightened to take your own life, you simply gave up. Living was a goal - stay breathing, stay functioning (even if barely). It was attainable. Just stop caring. I used to think that included not caring about things that might bring consequences (namely, in this scenario, grades). You just had to get through.

The issue is, to get through, you have to be able to just go through life. It isn't so simple now. Just getting by would result in poor grades which would definitely impact me later on. And, if I've made it this far, no way in Hell I'm gonna just back out now. That means caring at a later point in life. That means not having a load of shit to deal with when you "wake back up".

I honestly never thought I'd end up missing it. Sophmore year constitutes some of the most emotionally trying memories of my life (largely pioneered by a raging depression). And it was then that such a technique was so necessary. But I can't float through life and just give up caring at this point. All or nothing, in a sense. Better get dinner; time's running and homework's calling.

What is it about night that's so frighteningly alluring? It makes us thrive, though it hurts with every second that passes by. Maybe we can bare ourselves to a judge-less place. Or, more likely, it just is an enrapturing thing of its own being.

I feel liberated in it, wanting to shed tears in futile or rock myself with emotion in blind hope. Does life come with a price?

I've had this sickly urge for sugar today. I go a full few weeks avoiding soda and eating relatively healthily (when actually eating) and then, almost out of no where, I feel the need to down 2 bottles of orange soda and a butt load of candy. Oh well.

Can't remember if I wanted to say much else. Need to finish paper.... Hope you all enjoy New York. I expect stories and pictures.

Laziness would probably be a good reason half the stuff I want to say on here never get here. What was it I was going to post? Oh, yes, Broomball, being out of shape, and poor hand-eye coordination are not a good mix. I didn't think I was that out of shape still. Sad thing I've probably been the most physically active in my life my first semester this year. Heh, I better get to bed tonight, I'm so sore...I'll worry about the pulled muscles later....

The thing I thought of literally two minutes ago...ahh, yes. I was going over the aspect of intelligence. Another opinion formed as a bastard of my mother's influence. She would always harp on the aspect of good grades and how to pay attention in class, etc., while anyone who knows me could attest, the last thing I've ever considered important about a person was their performance in class.

However, contrasting that, I have always harped upon the idea of intelligence. I expect to deal with intelligent people. Okay, that's not entirely true. I know plenty of people who aren't the smartest that I love dearly; it's when they start to voice opinions (which will be poor, given their own shortsight) and thus infringe upon others freedom and pursuit of happiness that I get irritated. My, that sounds really awful, but one of the few times I'll argue it's true, nonetheless.

And, I cannot deny that the intelligence of someone weighs a heavier and heavier influence in how I view them. I respect the intelligent - I think we all ought to.

What, then, dictates intelligence? It's not what you learn in school, for the most part. That'll make you knowledgeable, but you can still be the biggest dumbass ever and be on Honor Roll. We all know those individuals. No, you won't impress me by your GPA.

However, to side put that argument, don't we increase our intelligence by what we learn in class, simply by virtue of differing opinions and new ways of thinking? True.... I probably was more life-altered by my government and World Masterpieces (take that class, damn it, if you get the chance!) classes than by many other things - though, I'll admit, it was as important a part by the teacher as it was by the material taught. By the way, on that note, if anyone is taking Economics this year and happens to see Mad Dog, tell him hi for me. And get me his opinion on who he wanted to win the election. No one's economic opinion do I trust more.

Anyway, back on topic. Do I still have your attention? Despite the point of this whole entry, I can imagine it must be boring as fuck to read.

So, I attended this Peer Health meeting today, which I had no clue what the meeting was, I'll admit. Our Queer Life Coordinator (I hate that title, principally because the word queer is in it - ever call me a queer and I will punch you; no joke), Justin, was leading the lesson. So I was expecting to see 1 or two people, at most. I walk into a fairly full room with Sex, Gender, and Sexual Orientation written on the board along with Transsexual, Gay, Bi, Pomo, Pan, Transgendered, etc. etc. written as sub-subjects underneath the big three categories.

I swear I thought I had died and went to heaven (yes, they will be giving lessons on sexuality and gender expression in Heaven, to incredibly large crowds).

In any case, I found the lesson interesting, though I knew, to a relative extent, most of what was talked about. I found it funny that I probably knew more about the Trans topics than I did about those Bi related (specifically the terms Omnisexual and Pomosexual, though (if you ask me) I think you're pushing it by going past Pan...but a topic for another day).

So, why this random diversion? No, it's not simply because I found a random unrelated reason to talk about sexuality (or because it's even related to sexuality); it just happened that this was one of the events that lead to the over-arching premise of this post.

I found the information for the meeting interesting, of course. But largely for the same reason that I enthusiastically scoured the internet when first learning about anything gay related - my own ignorance.

And some of the stuff talked about were theory, things I had picked up in my theatre class first semester. And, being a class, and being theory, it wasn't the most interesting.

And that's the principle difference between the ignorant and the intelligent (though there is one last component to intelligence I'll cover right after) - the intelligent are willing to learn. I don't give a crap if it's a struggle to learn or if you don't get it immediately. If you're willing to bother to try to understand and commit to memory the stuff you're going over, that makes you better than a Hell of a lot of other people.

What I used to boil intelligence down to was your reasoning ability. Were you able to, simply, reason and use logic. After all, back then (and still greatly now), my biggest concern was figuring out stuff and right and wrong (yes, you guessed it, largely due to my mother and the faulty advice she's tried to give me over the years). But the fact I forgot to acknowledge was that to continue progressing and learning more, we do have to learn different aspects of life. So, how willing or eager are you to do so? Or, simply, how willing because you know its use?

In the end, it still boils down to your ability to reason and use logic. I am of the firm belief that, armed with those two, you can do near to anything.

And I've seen in plenty of people those aspects. Maybe that's the central reason I point out and notice the potential of people.

In the end, it's all up to how much you want to put into it and how much you're willing to use those skills given to you - and applying the things you learn and using them as points of your reason in life. Really,  reason and logic aren't that difficult; in fact, we're pretty much born with it, as humans, and they strengthened the more we use them.

But you've got to be willing to use them.

The tacked on song is simply because I haven't been able to stop playing this, lately. It's an amazing song.

We all bear the scars...
Yes, we all feign a laugh
We all sigh in the dark
Get cut off before we start

And as the first act begins...
You realize, they're all waiting...
For a flaw...for a flaw...
For the end...

There's a path stained with tears
Could you talk to quiet my fears?
Could you pull me aside?
Just to acknowledge that I tried

And as your last breath begins
Contently take it in
'Cause we all...get it in...the end

[string solo]

And as your last breath begins
You find your demon's your best friend
And we all...get it in...the end

[marching band starts]

And as your last breath begins
You find your demon's your best friend
And we all...get it in...the end!

Everybody!

[repeat]
-Scott Matthew

So, yesterday I visited all my old friends at my old high school.

Today I woke up. I brushed my teeth.

I skipped breakfast, I believe.

I was told to shower and fix my room several times.

I started playing with my sister, then we made bagels with butter.

Later I went to my brother's hockey game. I held the door for several people while my brother was getting his blades sharpened.

I watched the game; it was really close. Carmel won, 3 to 2 (alright, Nathan).

We went home, looking for Taco Bell and McDonald's along the way to get food for the family.

Now I'm back home, typing on Xanga. Could you please tell me - what exactly about my "lifestyle" is so incredibly intolerable?

I've had this thing since 2005. End of Freshman year, high school. While normally I wouldn't tag that as a long time, seeing that most people have had there since 2007 in general at the latest these days, I guess I could call myself a veteran in some respects (then again, some people switch profile names like mad, for whatever reason).

I love xanga. In fact, that may be the reason why I haven't stopped mine yet. I never needed a reason to keep track of the things I did (though I do think I do now). I think I just stick with it because I like the set up, I like the people - as a social networking thing, I like xanga. It has not (for the most part) started royally pissing me off as Facebook has begun to. And it never sucked as greatly as MySpace did (sorry to those fans out there).

When I first joined xanga, it was basically (as I believe I have said in the past) a bunch of random journals strung together. Mostly rather depressing stuff and the connections seemed a bit more personal, a bit more like this support network. It was, for a bunch of wounded people, a way to isolate yourself, yet connect if need be or it helped. My xanga certainly isn't that publicized. My subscriptions consisted mostly of my friends in actual life (though most of them have forsaken xanga since then).

And now it seems like xanga rarely feels empty. It feels like everyone is present and it's constantly buzzing. Things like Revelife and Datingish and being able to rec. posts have made it much more interactive. Which I'm glad for, I am. Because any social networking service needs users and, as I've said, I do love xanga.

But I can't help but wonder, do there even exist any more (continually updated) privately held xangas? Those xangas which don't have some stupid sign in lock or friend lock on it where it's someone you don't even know, you don't even get an actual name - just their life. A glimpse at a person and, if you pursue it, some other life to get to know.

There are, to some degree. I have some of them subscribed. And it's not like we've suddenly dropped from the internet, after all.

And I think that's what I still like about xanga. We can be as private as we want, whether wrapped in our usernames or in the layout we labored on for whatever rediculous amount of hours. We can still connect to others and shield out everything else.

While the rest of xanga buzzes along. And they can post their comments on whatever topic they wish, and we can wiegh in on the ones that happen to concern us enough (a particularly interesting post I saw today: http://www.lovelyish.com/lovelyish/680456796/ouch-discriminated-for-my-weight.html). Xanga can have it's energy while the ones who originally inhabited xanga, who did stick around when xanga was forced to try their I'm Bringing Xanga Back compaign (even if we updated every month or so), can remain, typing out their lives to whomever may find them interesting.

Maybe it's exactly the way I like my change - make improvements, progress forward, add more - but don't take away the old.

Yeah, I'd call myself a Xangan.

I feel too wired right now to work and too many things going through my head to think straight.

Everyone just make me a promise - take care of those you care about and never leave them. Never do anything to make them think you feel any other way about them. And always remind them.

A memory: During Band Awards Night,

I was sitting next to Sam because him and Sarah had come back to visit us all and they had mentioned something about an award for all students who got straight As from Fresh. year to Soph. year. I had missed that by one grade because I didn’t turn in my practice chart. So I was kinda bummed about that. So Sam leans over and goes, “Don’t feel too bad. I got a D for band my Freshman year.” We both laugh and I ask, “How’d you do that?” He goes, “Exactly.”

I miss my mom; I miss my dad. I want parents I can trust.

One of the worst feeling, I think, is just not knowing. I have a necessity to know, I think. It means solution, progress. It means understanding what's going on. Without it - I'm at a loss.

I think one of the Canadians in the South Park movie was actually voiced by Wakko from the Animaniacs; it sounds like that (which makes all the more weird when he sings, "Shut your fucking face, Uncle Fucker/You're the one that fucked your uncle, Uncle Fucker," though you've got to admire his emotion).

Yeah, this post isn't really going anywhere. I have to wonder still why I've kept a xanga this long. Since Freshman year, I think. Thanks again, Nox, if you still even read this.

This shall be half rant (as if you haven't heard enough negativity from me) and half statement, I suppose.

First - do to the sake of my own orientation, I try to not bring up the topic of homosexuality all too much. I joke about it at times, and it does need addressing (considering that only two states legally allow gay marriage (and at least three before the end of the year are voting to amend their constitutions to not allow it, Cali included), you can still be fired for your orientation, etc. and the huge stigma of it still). Even still, I try not to bring it up more than necessary, which (while I'm sure he didn't mean to offend) made Tommy's rainbow jokes all the more obnoxious. I'll be the first to admit it's irritating to hear something over and over again.

However, that can be semi-difficult when you acknowledge that its civil rights movement is still in process. It's somewhat hard to refrain from mentioning the fact when it may be legally impossible in 3 states for gay marriage due to the constitution being amended. So I apoligize beforehand if I've brought this up more than usual for other conversations.

As most of you on here know, I sent out invites for Ally Week. It's important because it stresses the fact that this isn't driven by some fad and a bunch of people just decided to see how much they could screw with legislation for a while (yes, I've heard people say being gay is just a fad and will go away in a few years). The part that kinda astounds me was that people actually said maybe or flat out no.

This isn't really a hard event - if you still go to SHS, the GSA probably has buttons and you wear it for a week. Otherwise, there's no participation necessary. And if you are elsewhere - you just acknowledge the week. No marches, no sit ins, no boycotts - nothing, unless you really want it to - changes about your week. So how in the world can you be on the fence about that? There're those who I know they're gay or bi and they say maybe? So those who aren't gay or bi - they're support means nothing? They don't have to get made fun of or even deal with the whole issue. They have no reason to support - yet they do. And that's how you thank them? "Um, maybe I'll do it." Clearly you don't give a damn about your rights. Wait 'til you get into the real world. Try even attempting to come out then.

Or the best was the Nos. My cousin isn't participating. I wonder why. I have to question what part of me saying, "I'm bisexual," she didn't understand. Remember, it takes no participation, really. Thanks for the support, cous.

So, to the straight allies, I want to offer an apology of those who seem to think that their rights are going to fight for themselves and have no clue how bad it used to be.

So, for everyday that I cannot be arrested for who I am - I thank you.
For everyday I can admit my orientation without the conversation going awkward - I thank you.
For everyday a GSA can actually meet - I thank you.
For the amazing court desicion for California - I thank you.
For everyday I'm not killed by someone who knows - I thank you.
For everyone who does know and thinks no differently of me - I thank you.
For everyone who doesn't treat me differently everytime it's said aloud - I thank you.

For giving a damn enough to support when you didn't have to, for defending me and millions of others when you could have stayed quiet, for recognizing us as humans, for changing this world and those around you - thank you.

They have no idea how much they owe you.

On a second portion of this first part, I'd like to review the word "faggot".

For those who don't know, it derrives from fagot, which is a bundle of sticks. This comes from the fact that they burned homosexuals using fagots.

So everytime you say faggot or fag, you are essencially making a death threat. Don't use it. Under no circumstance is calling a person a faggot acceptable.

Forgive my preaching.

My second part, I know that most know how highly I think of them generally because I'm always so paranoid what others think and I want them to know so I tend to tell them (subtly or not) on a pretty consistant basis. However, probably largely because I'm in a whole other state now, I feel the need for reminder once more.

My friends are absolutely amazing, and a constant reminder there's someone there. Everyone deserves to know people like you.