August 11, 2013

  • An old one but I don't think I've ever posted it here. This one always leaves me apprehensive whenever I decide to post it somewhere and yet I keep being drawn back to it, unable to let it go. I still have a nagging feeling, too, like it isn't tight enough yet, like every crack hasn't been fixed yet. Sorry if it doesn't do anything for any of you guys.

     

     

     

         Don’t cuss!
         And I might reply with “Fuck you!”
         Fuck you like the way I fucked up that last exam or want to ram my head against the fucking wall repeatedly until my skull shatters the fuck open, stabbing the brain that incessantly repeats the memories of my ex saying, “I just don’t feel the same way anymore.”
         So, fuck you like I want to just fuck the world each morning I crawl myself out of another bed because fucking is the one moment that the world stops screaming, that my skin stops shrieking to be touched because I’m too fucked up to be fucked with.
         And so fuck you like the altitude from which my stomach just dropped the fuck out the first time I got asked out. Or how fucking right her hand felt in mine or how fucking tightly I pulled her close around the waist, heh, like a fucking puzzle, I swear.
         Or fuck you like the night my aunt died and all I could do was stand there; and all I could muster was, “Fuck….”
         At that moment, when you just feel violated because you never thought that such audacity or cruelty could exist, there is sometimes no other way to express yourself because, contrary to apparently popular thought, it doesn’t get all that much more complicated than that. Your dignity and your pride has been stripped, and you’re just standing naked out in the cold. Or your confidence has been so thoroughly and utterly obliterated that you can’t conceive of what next to it. And maybe you can’t even muster the words to describe what you feel right at that moment because it is so mountainous and yet so universal that only so base a word could get at it. Does it seem sparse? Does it sound uncomplicated? It should. Because that’s exactly what it is. And, call me crazy, I actually think that your emotions are valid. But you probably don’t really feel like saying much, so
         Fuck you.
         Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck…oh, fuck you. Fuck you! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck you! Fuck…oh, fuck…just fuck –
         Fuck you.
         Fuck you.
         Fuck – you.
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    That took me...three hours to write? I'm a hack writer. And just demonstrated why I'd never be published anywhere. But fuck it.