April 25, 2013

  •      Chrissy snorted into her hand as 'Rome pranced around with his shirt off; no one was particularly certain how his braying and shirtlessness were an image of the warden but, judging from the rolling laughter and sizable crowd gathered in the lunchroom (outside of lunchtime), no one particularly minded. James sat towards the back, near one of the entrances, smiling gently. Amy was playing with a deck of cards, mostly shuffling them repeatedly; she glanced up every so often, smirking to herself.
         "And what – is going on, may…I…ask?" Charlie called out, slowly goose-stepping his way through the myriad of tables and chairs and people draped across them. 'Rome immediately jumped to attention at the table he was on, facing Charlie.
         "Just an enactment of display, sir! A crowded spewage of obscene caricatures, sir! A stage, sir, in my growing out of immaturity, sir! A, sir, part of, sir, my prescription, sir! Sir! Sir!"
         Charlie gave a crooked smile as he swaggered around the table that held 'Rome up, his eye never breaking contact with 'Rome's. He pulled a chair out from the table and, with an exaggerated flourish, sat down. Amy continued to smirk, shaking her head as she shuffled her cards once more. "At ease, soldier."
         Charlie stretched his arms out as he yawned; he tried to lean back in the chair but the unyielding metal frame caused him to just slump down. With hyperbolic irritation, he hoisted his legs onto the table as 'Rome jumped off. "And what are you all doing here?"
         "To watch the fool, sir!" Chrissy immediately piped up, the sides of her mouth turning upward for the first time in the past week.
         Charlie's eyes jumped from the fashionable 'Rome to Chrissy. "Aren't you supposed to be depressed? Shouldn't you be crying in a corner somewhere right now?" Charlie scoffed, taking his feet down.
         Amy put the deck down immediately, thumbing through the entire deck as she did so until she had everyone's attention as the sound receded. "Is depression so antiquated a notion," she asked as she stood up, before 'Rome could formulate his already confused facial expressions towards Charlie into words, and proceeded, taking her deck with her, towards 'Rome's table, "that you are unfamiliar with it, Charles?"
         Charlie casted Amy a bemused look. "You want something?"
         Unceremoniously, Amy casted her deck towards Charlie's face. "The Hell –" Charlie sputtered as he tilted backwards, his arms then spasming as he attempted to balance his chair. Before he had a moment to right himself, Amy grabbed a handful of his shirt and pulled him inwards. "Break this table – now." She thrusted her share of the shirt back at him as she released him.
         "Now!" Amy bellowed, her fist ripping through Charlie's composure as it rattled the table. He gave Amy a flustered look that seemed to misunderstand the request but Amy was already walking away, addressing the surrounding patients in the lunchroom. 
         "What's the matter‽ Are you just lazy? You haven't even bothered to start!" Amy's piercing calls rang out. Charlie managed to stutter, his eyes scouring his palms, before Amy whipped around and smashed her fist, again, on his egression.
         "I said…to break this table."
         In complete bewilderment at this task suddenly thrust upon him, Charlie's eyes darted across the room for tools – any – that he might use, his brain desperately trying to conceive of them in ways he hadn't before to tear apart what was in front of him.
         Causing him to jump in his chair, Charlie's surroundings infiltrated his thoughts once more as Amy snatched a nearby tray and slammed it against the side of the table, splitting it cleanly in two. Chucking the piece still in her hands onto the floor, Amy leaned across the table so that her leer was merely centimeters from Charlie's face. "There you go, a small example for you. All you gotta do is do that to the table. Think you can do that for me?"
         Amy got up from the table and started to pace in front of it, completely upright. She cleared her throat. "You probably want some hints." Charlie gave the pacing Amy nothing but a steely look as his right hand grasped the table in an attempt to stop shaking. "You should probably try smiling," she observed. "It would probably reassure me that you want to be cooperative and boost my ego that you're smiling around me." Charlie sat there, breathing steadily. "You could probably use my lessening up to try to regain composure." Hesitating, Charlie's lips twitched in an attempt to rise, his muscles trying to muster a grimace into a grin.
         With a sharp turn, Amy pounded the table once more. "How haven't you done this yet? I mean, you haven't even started! I already gave you an example. All you have to do is do what I did. Get it? Do it again!"
         His eyes burrowing into the ground, Charlie refused to react to Amy's repeated pounding, each downward execution of her wrist and shout perforating the blanket of quiet that had enveloped the room.
         "Do it again! Do you get that‽
         "Do it again!
         "Do it again!
         "Do it again!
         "Do it again!
         "Do it again!
         "Do it again!
         "Do it again!"
         The nightly recording for lights out creaked out over the loudspeakers. Sighing, Amy stood up as Charlie still refused to make eye contact. "Task still isn't done.
         "Go get some sleep; we'll do this again, same time, tomorrow."

Comments (3)

  • I like Amy. To me it seems like she has learned a lot from the doctors. I think I could become like her if I ever ended locked up.

    And I like you as a writer too. I remember that post where you said your father said your writing was "good" but could be longer, and read what you linked there.
    Well, I suppose I am not a great critic either. My friends also ask me to say something to their stuff but I never know what. I can proof read, but that's it. I suppose when I like something it is a writers ability to make a text "readable"...meaning that you don't just stop in the middle because it gets boring or start at the beginning again, because it is unreasanbly difficult. They have to create a picture in my mind. I guess I could say I like how you build your sentences, lol.
    Oh and funny... just as I wrote this, a friend sent me a request to read a short story.

  • I like Amy, too. You gave her an interesting personality.
    And I really really really like how you emphasized certain words when your characters were speaking.
    Charlie's "Sir" moment is like something from a movie. I don't know. I thought it was entertaining. >_<
    I like this.

  • @under_the_carpet – "And I like you as a writer too."
    Heh, well I'm glad somebody does.

    I can get that. I'm always happy to edit grammar for people because I'm obsessive about it and it's really straight-forward to do but it always takes so much more energy from me to critique beyond that.

    I'm glad if I am able to paint an image for you, though. I feel that's my weakest point. I tend to be rather straight-forward and utility driven (and yet I continually seem to drift towards the arts…) so I tend to want to only write what's pertinent for the story. It's two people talking and making motions with their body; who cares where they are‽ Naturally, graphic details tend to get left out; but I suppose it's also that I struggle to write descriptions. If I had to, for example, describe a house in detail, I'd probably be lost. I'd end up anthropomorphizing most everything because I just seem to understand everything in terms of motives; it takes a lot of training and concentration for me to notice the subtle, it seems (to the detriment of the reader).

    Haha; how delightfully coincidental.

    @XxbutterflyknivesXx – I really liked how you emphasized "really" in a sentence about liking how I emphasized certain words.

    I've always been particular about how I phrase words in text to get my meaning across as clearly as possible (perhaps due to how easy it is to misunderstand someone in writing, at times). I've been finding that habit has been spilling into my fiction during speaking portions; maybe that's because we can be so much more expressive due to tone and pitch, etc. in speech that just can't carry into writing so the punctuation and pointed bolding and italicizing I usually do fits in rather naturally in the speaking above. I guess that's partially me reflecting on my own surprise it stuck out to you because I hadn't really thought about it or noticed it until now.

    And yes, I have to agree the "sir" part definitely struck me as somewhat movie like. I sometimes feel I maybe should have gone after film since I tend to be a really visual person (the biggest reason I majored in Computer Science was because my school didn't have a Graphic Design major, sadly) so I tend to imagine scenes as you'd see them on television or a movie. As I was explaining to Anne above, I don't always do quite a good job translating them into prose. Though written fiction does give you so many wonderful ways to play with storytelling; I really do love writing.

    Sorry, tangent; I tend to do that. Back to your point, the Dead Poets Society comes to mind but I'm not sure there's anything quite comparable in that film (it's been a while since I've seen it). I definitely didn't write it with any particular movie or scene in mind but I do feel it follows the structure you see in movies of some character coming in to break things up yet allows the jester character who makes a point or sort of rebels but isn't really ever stopped (until he goes too far later in the movie, usually) because he does it through laughter to continue.

    But I'm really glad you found it entertaining. It was definitely supposed to be. As I've already revealed, 'Rome is the sort of class clown type character through most of this planned story.

    .

    Also, I'm really glad both of you guys liked Amy. While I'm rather fond of all four of my planned main characters (James, Chrissy, 'Rome, and Amy), I really have a soft spot for her, I'll admit. I was going to mention more about her but I won't give spoilers, in case you guys want to follow the story organically (though, of course, I'm not necessarily going to write it in order – the above is not the beginning of this story – so it may be a tad bit more confusing to follow this way). Plus, that way I won't give a picture of her character that may change as I keep writing this. But hopefully you guys keep liking her character as I write more.

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