June 15, 2011

  • My father stomps down the stairs today and asks, "Are you aggressively looking for a job this summer?"

    The implication is simple (as it always is). He has assumed that I am not, that I haven't even bothered. Like always. Because when I usually do respond with the affirmative to something, he responds with a surprised, "Oh." Honestly, I don't understand how some people are completely unaware to body language.

     

     

    Respect, for me, is huge. How you conduct yourself towards others means a lot to me. I try to be the best person, always, that I can to anyone else I meet. I consider that a duty and an obligation on my part. Ask any of my friends about my character and they'll respond positively (or, at least, I would hope that they do; I certainly aim for it).

     

    Insult me, belittle me, I'll ignore you. I'll even probably let it slide the first couple of times. But I will not repeatedly tolerate such abuse. I don't want it, I don't need it. But, more than anything - out of the pathetically minuscule self-confidence that I have -, I have worked for my respect. Every day, every hour, every minute. I am patient, I am consistently willing to listen to others and give aid when applicable, and I consider my conduct in respect to others.

    I will not be deprecated.

    So, when you ask me, "Are you aggressively looking for a job this summer?" while every bit of your body language, down to your vocal inflections, tell me that - as far as you're concerned - you know the answer to this question, when you go on to tell me that I "need a little more pushing and guidance than others" to remind me that everything I do - no matter how badly I try - just doesn't live up to your expectations, do not expect me to respond.

    I don't particularly appreciate being implicitly told that your love is conditional on whether I choose to tuck in a shirt or put on a belt, or whether I happen to do poorly in school despite putting in my best effort.

    Because, in spite of my depression (something I seem to've inherited from either you or mom, I might just add, seeing as all of my siblings have it), I manage to make my deadlines, do at least decently well in school, and do the tasks I need to (regardless of whether you bother to notice or realize). And I might not wake up before noon on days that I don't have any responsibilities but you always did have a hard time understanding anything that did not meet your precise and arbitrary demands and expectations.

    However - more than anything - when I get angry, I hold my tongue to those who were not involved or to blame. When I have a bad day, I watch what I say. I put others before myself and precisely be sure that their respect is properly regarded and treated.

    Out of what little I have in this world, you will not take my dignity from me. I get - that - much.

Comments (4)

  • I totally, totally understand. I am so glad that someone else feels the same way. Lol that sounds so selfish...I am of course sorry that your father is being so...arrogant. And phony. He is like many 'adults' (..well..elders) I know, and I am just glad that I am not crazy or something for feeling that way. I once talked to my aunt about reading a book on the train and how loud it was, and she was like :"reading (insert cheesy grin here)! not the worse pass time is it (grin gets broader)?" I mean wtf. Do I look as if I never have read a book? Or I told her to not bother about my carrer even if I ended up jobless it wouldn't be her problem, and she was like : "oh so you want to be a parasite of the social state! yuck.eee-phew!!"( oh, how could I be so foolish to think this was about me...it was about the productivity (insert hitler accent for that word ) of society. ) I sked who the hell she thought she was to judge people who don't get a job. (sometimes it ISeally hard) and she said she hadn't siad anything judgementl, that yuck-ee-phew was just directed towards me. err??? ...the worst experience I had with doctors and therapists. I mean it is just so damn painful when you go there and pour your sould out and ask fo help in hopes to GET BETTER and all you hear is you invent this, you are not so unwell. I tried to talk abot my doctor about his body-language the connatontations and implicit meaning of the words he used but I just ended u crying because I couldn't 'prove' what he meant. That's what I hate when they deny that they meant it in a condecsending way and look dow on you. 'it is your problem, your own fucked up mind if you interpret it that way'. gah. and now I'm procrastinating bc I have to see this very doctor and don't want to. Sorry for rambling . As for the job-thing: I know its hard when others always put their two cents in it and want to influence you...but whatever you do it for you. I made a promise to myself that whatever I start (job studing etc) I will do because I want to and not because I should. ( I mean I don'T have a parasite-ish nature...I think...I do want all that stuff. ) I won't tell anyone. Even when my mum asks have been studying? do you have any plans? I say I haven't so I don't have to hear this 'oh!'. I hate when thse who hate me for who I am pat me on the shoulder and say "now you are a good girl!" or something along these lines. I wish I didn''t give a fuck but I do. It seems to me like they want to form me, and if I already fit the form, they try and take credit for it nonetheless. I don't want to share my succes with them. I think that's helping me a bit to acually start things, that I want to start. Might sound immature though...I'm maybe extreme. But I'm just sensitive and I want to be respected too. *hugs* to you.

  • You do get that much.  
    When I was growing up, my mother demanded respect from us, but would never give us our own.  Even doing well in school, winning writing competitions and being the first to graduate, my best compliment was, "not bad for a punk."  I know that I've worked hard.  Yet, when I turned 21, and had been going to college full time, worked full time, and was living on my own, she told me "I thought you would have been a CEO of something already," in that disappointed tone.  
    I don't live up to my mother's expectations, I never will.  But at least I know in my heart that I deserve the world and that love exists without conditions.

  • Sorry for so delayed a response. I normally have a better turn-around but my sister has been hogging the computer watching some new-fangled True Blood show; I dunno, she refuses to play it every time I'm in the room. I personally take that to mean that I don't embarrass her enough as an older brother.

    @under_the_carpet - Heh, glad to see you took my "just say what comes to mind" advice to heart. And you're exactly right.

    I literally cannot wrap my head around the seeming inability to comprehend how ones actions affect others at times. Your aunt sounds very much like my father. And the totally weird thing is (though I don't think it excuses them) is that they probably don't even realize  what they're doing is utterly annoying and demeaning. I just...I'd feel silly having to stop and say, "You mockingly grinning at me seems like you're making fun of me and belittling me." Wouldn't that be obvious‽

    And, yes, I made that decision a long time ago (it's a wise one). No more being controlled for other people, no longer pausing over their concerns (that aren't really all that concerned with me anyway) - every decision is made because I wanted it. And, no, it doesn't sound extreme at all. I find, particularly when other's influence are vying for your decisions in anything, the best thing to do is to shut it all out, start from scratch, and make the decisions on your own terms with your own reasons. When you can back up what you want to do logically and soundly, all of a sudden what they're saying carries no weight because you can soundly explain why you believe what you do. The world makes more sense and you gain your autonomy.

    "But I'm just sensitive and I want to be respected too."
    Exactly! And you deserve to get it.

    @SasGal - oh dear. Sounds very much like my own mother. And you should definitely be proud of that. Admittedly, it's more than I've been able to accomplish thus far.

    "But at least I know in my heart that I deserve the world and that love exists without conditions."
    Absolutely true. And well said. Thanks for stopping by (heh, and joining me at) my humble little xanga.

  • @thirst2 - lol..I do say that stuff now, like "you are grinning mockingly". And that's what I plan to do more. I think I just need to be convinced of it being right which I am...so I'll try to say it as I see it, straight up. If they still belittle at least I'll have tried. (Hah, feeling so motivated to do that now )

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