May 28, 2011

• I've often said I'm at least decent at reading people. That said, I've often felt short when trying to do so with my brother. In some ways I've always felt drastically close to my siblings. I've certainly always been intensely fond of them (bizarrely, I just noticed I don't talk about them much here; in person, I'd probably talk your ear off for an hour alone should you ask about them). And, all that said, I sometimes feel very distant from my brother.

  He can be very distant, at times. I'm somewhat familiar with that, being shy myself. But he has this way of being very intensely different, so as to almost be threating (which, admittedly, doesn't mean I don't do the same; I've had a decent amount of people tell me in the past that they had the strongest feeling that I didn't like them before a point, which doesn't even begin make sense, if you know me).

  I guess I always had the feeling that he liked me, well enough, but kinda looked down on me, thought me stupid in some capacities (admittedly, the boy does have some hubris, by my limited reckoning, but nothing that I couldn't see him ironing out over time; he has the mindset to continually better himself, something others could do well to adopt). In short, I'd've liked to get to know him better. It's not often I'm left literally wondering how the gears are turning in someone's head or how they even remotely approach things.

  Well, luck behold, we wound up discussing things a night or two ago. Wasn't in anyway played, just talking – jumping from topic to topic –, and we happened to start discussing habits of ours.

  Turns out we have a lot in common in that area. For example, we both seemed to've learned social interaction from scratch (an exhausting affair, but allows you to be conscious of every movement you make and why you make it – as well as being able to read others well). Turns out we both have depression, it seems; part of me wants to be happy because I relate to people with depression more, they tend to be more interesting, and I feel they understand me better (a topic to go over in another post); and, like he said, it's useful. Yet he's still got Hell ahead of him for it.

  So it was just nice, getting to know him better like that. I enjoy talking to him, not just because we tend to agree on a lot (though, admittedly, that's part of it), but also because he pushes me at times (particularly when I don't have an answer). I can usually count on him to be someone to bounce ideas against, to test them out and to see whether they weather against criticism. I guess you could say I trust quite heavily his reasoning and analyzing side.

  While I know my depression and know that it's not likely going to allow his presence be enough to establish a lasting salve to life, I tend to find that I thoroughly enjoy our times together – for both the way our personalities compliment each other and entirely because of who he is as a person. And for someone like myself seemingly so often detached from emotion, often having to logically piece why I should feel something rather than naturally doing so instinctively – well, that's a big deal.

  • 12:28 pm
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