May 19, 2011

  • Your "rampant irresponsibility"?  Your sarcasm to me was rude.  Yes, I think that you could be more responsible.  What about the Spring Break trip that you suddenly cancelled so I had to scramble to find airline tickets that cost almost double that which we normally pay.  I also remember that once you overslept and completely missed your trip home so we had to put you on stand-by which cost extra.  And, I also remember a paper that you barely turned in on time.
     
    In my mind, there are two extremes.  You can either admit to yourself that sometimes you aren't a perfectly responsible person and try harder.  Or, I suppose, in rebellion, you could say to yourself that your dad thinks that sometimes you are irresposible and therefore you'll show him just how irresponsible you can be!  Or you can do something in between.  And you can realize that when control is taken away from me, the frustration factor becomes exponential.
     

    Love always,

     

    Dad 
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    Rude to you? Oh, pardon me! Yes, what about that Spring Break trip? You know, the one where my friend out of no where had to cancel due to family issues. Was it short notice? Yes. What it sudden? Yes. Should I have had a backup plan in the event that an unforeseen event on her end might have cropped up (or maybe she have some solution to help me out, seeing as she canceled)? Maybe. I'll let you be the judge of that. But to peg me as being terribly irresponsible when holding up all my ends of the situation and in light of a family issue on her part?
     
    Fuck you. The blinding arrogance with which you feel entitled to so flagrantly judge my character in this situation is enough to make me foam right now.
     
    Oh, OH - and my over sleeping?? You mean for the two weeks load of work for a final project along with the workload of finals week for three other classes that I had to get less than 4 hours of sleep each for several weeks straight - ALL OF WHICH WAS TO RAISE A GPA THAT, I MIGHT REMIND (while important for practical reasons as well, certainly), YOU DEMANDED I RAISE - and I was irresponsible. Oh! No! You're absolutely right! The responsible thing would have been to not bother getting the work done! Fuck the work! I should get more sleep because making the bus shuttle in two weeks is wholly more important than my school work! Well fuck me silly! OF COURSE. Maybe I shouldn't have tried to get those 4 hours of sleep that caused me to turn off all SIX of my alarms and caused me to miss the shuttle. Sure, I'll take that. Poor choice. No, wait, I'm sorry - clearly it's flagrant and utter irresponsibility. Now excuse me while I go shoot up crystal meth during the middle of the school year.
     
    Oh, also, that "cost extra" - the extra I offered to cover entirely since I said the entire thing was my fault (you know, in my utter irresponsibility). Or how I managed to get a ride for FREE (admittedly, with the help of my amazing friends, without whom I'd be utterly no where in life) when most people refused to give me one unless I paid upwards of 100 dollars for? Because, you know, I have no concept of money and how to be responsible with it. That's why when I offered to stay on campus when we didn't have a plan and thought it would cost a ton extra to get me back home, my parents INSISTED I come home anyway. Because I have no concept of reality, you see.
     
     
    Yeah, barely turned a paper in on time, just about every time. Funny how depression AND anxiety does that to you. Oh, wait, sorry, those aren't legitimate disabilities. Excuse me while I go sleep another 14 hours. Then try to balance my work load. And also relive the fun of writing a paper during a panic attack.
     
    FUCK - YOU.
     
     
     
     
    In MY mind, there were two choices you had. You could have looked at my last E-mail and noted that my response didn't make much sense. You could have noted that I said I was in a hurry and maybe go, "Well, maybe he didn't read it properly." You know, at bare minimum you could have noted that MY RESPONSE DIDN'T MAKE MUCH SENSE. You could have taken this as the obvious thing it is - I didn't answer the question.
     
    Therefore, I might have been ahead of taking care of things. I might have been behind. I might have been JUST on top of things.
     
    But no - because you're so much more vastly an intelligent person than I am, you decided to interpret this as meaning that I MUST be behind in my work (don't worry any, I have an even lower opinion and expectation of you). And you decided that in light of your interpretation of my inability to function that insulting my character, being, personage, and belittling me as a father was the appropriate thing to do by telling me that my irresponsibility was maddening.
     
    Now, if I was being irresponsible, I might take this. Or, at least, any response I could give back would be futile. However, that's not what happened, did it? No, instead when you stuck out your hand for a handshake and I handed you a drink instead, you decided this meant I didn't feel it necessary to introduce myself and decided to slap me for it. No bother to assume that maybe I thought sticking your hand out meant you wanted a drink. Not even bothering to question why handing you a drink instead of shaking your hand might've occurred. No, clearly I'm just trying to be rude.
     
    FUCK - YOU.
     
    Because, really, that's the only response you deserve for this utterly insulting and belittling response you have given me. You deserve no response, no explanation - because at 40 something years old, if THAT'S what you consider appropriate for treating people, you do not deserve to have a family, let alone be social.
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    And in Other Things I'll Never Publicly Say (which usually boils down to things I'm not entirely sure I'm justified in):
     
    I feel utterly and entirely alone for at least 15 hours out of every day. I don't have a single close friend here still. And I'm still strongly convinced it's mostly my fault.
     
    I also feel so lonely (romantically) that I'd probably lose my virginity and not even realize it until after the fact if someone tried to hook up with me. I just want to remember what it feels like to hold someone, again.
     
    I'm not the type of person that anyone chases after and of those, what, 7 who have I've either not felt the same or they realized they made a mistake and quickly left me. I'm too depressing. It sounds utterly pretentious (but I don't know how else to say it), I want to have intellectual discussions too much. I'm too damn lukewarm to spark really anyone's interest. I'm too timid from uncertainty. Don't expect me to make the first move (I probably wouldn't even know how if I had the courage to try). In the last two years, literally no one has taken interest in me. And for the last guy who did, it turns out I wasn't what he was expecting (go figure).
     
    I don't have as much of an appetite for regular food generally. I consume sugar for energy. I consume sugar for the crash to stabilize my emotions, at a rate that I wouldn't be surprised to get diabetes type 2.
     
    I'm not entirely sure I'll pass all my classes this semester. I also wholly don't care (for now).
     
    I hate voluntarily opening up. And, if you haven't guessed yet, being embarrassed/shamed; it's likely my biggest weak spot, without fail.