October 29, 2009

  • I find it interesting these days when I talk to others about relationships and what they hope for in love. This is largely because how I understand the concept has very radically changed from simply half a year or a year ago.

    It’s interesting to see, almost, the way that these concepts of a relationship are continually painted as being very easy, natural, and almost as if expected.

    “You can all fall in love; it just is a matter of time.”

    Or my favorite is the one where the two walk past each other and just happen to be struck by this realization. It’s nice, and it’s sweet, it really is (my voice is actually not supposed to be heavily sarcastic right now like it usually tends to be).

    But you go through enough relationships and you realize it really isn’t like that. Actually, they’re just at the surface and there’s a depth more to look through.

    Hmm, how can I properly get these thoughts across? I suppose it’s the difference from entering a relationship thinking of an end and then entering a relationship knowing it probably won’t work out. Heh, it sounds somewhat downing yet that’s the fact of the matter. The point of dating is for enjoying the moments that happen. As I’ve said previously, my past exes do share an importance and a lot of that does lie it the memories they’ve given me and the lessons they’ve taught me. There are people I adore because of what I’ve learned about them during that time of higher intimacy.

    But it probably won’t last. Usually won’t. And you’ve got to understand that. In all brutal honesty, I expect that I won’t end up with anyone in the end. And I’m alright with that. Not everything ideal in life works out. As soon as I get capable of supporting myself and others firmly with no fear of otherwise, if not involved with anyone else, I’m going to adopt. I’m not going to slow my life around this.

    Now, of course, this is a worst case scenario. To what degree things lean in that direction regardless, it’s the point you realize that the past moments and connections were very much worth it and understanding that clinging and expecting all payout from the Goal and final ending is unrealistic.

    The other aspect is knowing what to expect in a relationship and from the person. When we’re young, we have basic expectations. Generally, they’re very, very minimal. As things go on, they may get slightly more specific. They need to be gentle, caring, smart, etc. etc.

    But we don’t think about the little things in the relationship.
         Are things awkward when you’re with zir (gender-neutral pronoun; think “him or her”) or do they flow in a way that’s satisfying for both people?
         Do the cons outweigh or are totally not bothering to us or do the pros outweigh (we’re so used to thinking ze’ll be so perfect there will be nothing which you dislike. Hehe…think again)?
         Can ze support you? Meaning, is ze enough to keep you sustained or are you left wanting more, feeling like something’s missing?
         Better yet, can you recognize when it’s that you’re missing something and when it’s simply that you’re being naïve or expecting more than ze can give you or than you ought to expect realistically?

    The common theme between all of the above? They’re gray areas. And they’ve all been even simplified here. They’re far more complex, individual, and dependent on specific situations that I cannot begin to even think of them all. Further, I’ve only listed 5, which is a far lower amount of those gray areas than there are.

    A relationship – while I largely do still believe, and will continue to argue, that a relationship is very much flowers and compliments and cute gifts – is the nitty gritty. It’s “Does this bother you?” It’s making sure you’re able to properly articulate what bothers you to the other person (which is a lot harder than you’d think) and both of you being able to handle it. It’s making sure you’re open to each other and making sure you both work to making the relationship work. It’s the boring little details that are more than just gazing at each other lovingly or teasing and laughing with each other.

    Again, I stress, those things are not unimportant – rather, they’re as important as the other stuff I’ve added. But you must have both in must, must deal with both, when dealing with a relationship.

    And when you’ve realized this – well, I find that this difficult, irritating, tiresome and energy draining, time consuming, complex ordeal is all the more astounding. It’s all the more worthwhile. Hats off to those who manage to make it work, because it’s quite a daunting task which I’m not even sure I’ll ever accomplish.

    Suddenly that person is all the more dynamic. Suddenly that the two of you work is more puzzling, more thankful and enjoyable. Alright, I think that’s enough of abstracts that are failing to get across what I’m trying to say anyway (hence why the list of them). I can’t really get at what it’s like.

    But it’s that weird moment when you aren’t actually bothered by the difficulty or that the odds are stacked against you. I don’t look at relationship with this expectation to “succeed” anymore – I just want a glimpse of the person I’m involved with (and, hopefully, to have that develop even further and further into a solid friendship) and to have no regrets come that crash. If things are gonna burn out in flames, I want those flames to be so fierce and bright that those at a distance are taken in awe. Let me get wasted out and remind me that I’m alive, that I feel – that it all actually meant something, that’s why it hurts so damn bad.

    Now, obviously, that’s not the ideal ending. Ideally, if things do end, they should end on a peaceful note. But don’t just waste it. Don’t mourne because it ended, or maybe unhappy because it wasn’t more, that it didn’t end up being love but just maybe two weeks – appreciate that nonetheless. It meant something, does mean something.

    A friend asked me what I wanted in a companion. I responded:

    SBI MEZ M86 (4:23:30 AM): oh, geez...um...

    SBI MEZ M86 (4:23:37 AM): well, they have to be smart

    SBI MEZ M86 (4:24:08 AM): I want someone who, at times, makes me feel a little unsmart in their presence

    SBI MEZ M86 (4:24:23 AM): a sense of humor would be nice, particularly a quirky one

    SBI MEZ M86 (4:24:46 AM): needs to be aware, and capable of seeing things from sides they're not used to

    SBI MEZ M86 (4:25:03 AM): willing to question and dissect everything

    SBI MEZ M86 (4:25:06 AM): a dreamer

    SBI MEZ M86 (4:25:09 AM): looking onward

    SBI MEZ M86 (4:25:16 AM): yet, as I said, aware and realistic

    SBI MEZ M86 (4:25:40 AM): they need to have an interest in the arts

    SBI MEZ M86 (4:25:58 AM): music, writing, novels, drawing, etc.

    SBI MEZ M86 (4:26:01 AM): just something

    SBI MEZ M86 (4:26:20 AM): they need to be passionate and caring

    SBI MEZ M86 (4:26:34 AM): if they're willing to not think of others, there's a problem

    SBI MEZ M86 (4:26:45 AM): open, honest - with just about everything

    SBI MEZ M86 (4:27:14 AM): and they need to not be too controlling

    SBI MEZ M86 (4:27:26 AM): they need to be independent, capable of handling themselves

    SBI MEZ M86 (4:27:55 AM): yet unsure enough, and in need of attention or comfort so as to need someone else for reliability

    SBI MEZ M86 (4:28:21 AM): idealistically, they'd be somewhat different, stand out from the crowd in some fashion

    SBI MEZ M86 (4:28:31 AM): have an appreciation for the weird, even if not a love for it

    SBI MEZ M86 (4:29:18 AM): they'd have to be fully supportive of sexuality equality and Trans and Intersex rights, but I feel that somewhat goes without saying

    SBI MEZ M86 (4:30:28 AM): off the top of my head, that's all that comes to mind specifically, so just one last thing - ideally, they'd have a facinating personality. One that addicts you, so that just being in their presence is astounding

    SBI MEZ M86 (4:31:06 AM): one so complex and varied that it's difficult to describe, anything you say about it is an understatement and it constantly challenges you just to keep up with understanding it

    SBI MEZ M86 (4:31:34 AM): yep; I think that'd just wrap it up

    SBI MEZ M86 (4:33:39 AM): not always a requirement, but I find I'm generally interested in people who've been through some form of depression or trauma. they tend to have a better idea of the world, or a view of it that is similar to my own. they have an appreciation for the depressing while at the same time a desire to cope with it

    SBI MEZ M86 (4:33:47 AM): so yeah. that'd be that

    And, in light of this, I understand that, really, so simplistic of wanting for a relationship and in a person is difficult to acheive. But that’s what makes it so damn amazing. That really doesn't explain it. But I'm starting to think that in order to understand, you've just got to witness it yourself.

    A related video. If only all pop stuff this complex and non-simplistic (or formulaic) – basically, intelligent – and I might not actually hate the stuff so much then.

    And, because who doesn't need a bit of Scrubs all the time?