February 1, 2009

  • My biggest struggle, I think, is staying content. I can't say if that's always been the case, but it seems to be now.

    There's a permeance of discontent which never seems to leave. If you want the truth, hope - as it usually translates - is something I've stopped believing in, for myself.

    Maybe it's just the journey or the idea that when certain things which I enjoy in a life are put in motion, but I crave it. Like all joys, it falls unnoticed in abundance...yet maddening in withdrawal. Rachies_Icons had a rather good entry today. I think it may have been the hope, there. Heh, the stories you could've unraveled from those pictures. The possibility and potential.

    Maybe that's why I point it out so direly, the potential in others. It's a goal, a journey...and it's not likely to end soon. I hate the endings, the finite aspect of it all...there's nothing left to change. It unravels and becomes moot.

    I need those things I hold so dearly...things which I cannot doubt their value...close and tight friendships because, perhaps, it simply keeps me from that discontent. Maybe that discontent is simply to botched hormones that have nothing better to do with themselves, making me fuel those known things I detest. I don't know. But I no longer bother expecting rest...perhaps if ever.

    It's almost odd - not at all that long ago, I kept people at an arm's length. Let me talk and associate with you socially but don't enter. Don't expect natural effort from me; something in me would rather the distance. And I don't think it's suddenly forged that I give a shit, beyond doing something simply because I know it's the right thing. But in the same way that logic cannot deny what I ought to do and therefore I do it, logic cannot deny that connection is of worth and value. Perhaps that is what fuels the effort. Either way, I'm happy I'm willing to work for whatever will give me a salve.

     

    The E-mail subscriptions, I think, randomly stopped working. And no warning or heed from xanga. I'd be disappointed, but it's almost like it's a small website unknown social network again. For those who check, next entry: Disney movies.