September 17, 2008
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A day of many mini (yet penetrating) revelations, some of which I'm afraid I can't share on here. There were reminders of the bad and disappointments of the integrity of friends. And then, for others, reminders as to what you believe in them for, despite their faults and possible future failures. I think that's the hardest part; just, someone, show me it's not all theory; show me a person who lives up to that idea that humans aren't the total scumbags that we're so often confused for. I want for reality to prove that the optimism isn't just hopeful thinking and it can actually happen.
There's like this hole, directly in my chest right now. A black hole just sucking everything away. There's these feelings that it's not worth it and just this lack of happiness. And I want to say some finite statement, something that conveys, "That was it. It's all over now." Yet that'd be lying. And maybe that's the worse of it. I won't end it. Whether because I still think there's something there or I'm just not willing to risk that big a change, I won't do it. But, damn it, I want to.
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Five years. That's a promise. Wait five years and I'll show you the light of an unshakable center and an unmoving mind. I will return to you: cleared of thought, free of suffering.
And I don't make promises I can't keep.
Jon. Quite seriously. YOU MUST STICK AROUND OR ELSE.
I know stuff gets messed up almost all the time, but you've gotta see the light of the times when things could not get better, alright?
I think we should have a very deep conversation about this. It might help.
Maybe.
I'd like to try, at least, although I'm not sure how seeing as you're all the way in Massachusetts and I'm here in Colorado.
I just really hope you're not talking about what I think you are talking about.
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