July 6, 2007

  • Hmm, I think I was in 8th grade. I was doing what I did in 8th grade - lost in my own world lest someone else intruded. So suddenly my name is mentioned. I don't think I caught the entire sentence; if I remember correctly, I just caught (jokingly said), "I swear, I have no friends. Except for Jon. You're my friend, right Jon?" I don't even remember us having any particular previous interactions before this. We must have, right? Perhaps it was, in that way that early school (or maybe my particular middle school) framed social interactions, simply that familiarity amongst your peers; we had been in the same hall for 3 years, after all. Why shouldn't we consider each other friends? And while probably nothing to her, she had included me for that brief moment (during a time that I often felt excluded by most of my classmates). We didn't talk a great deal more (really, a shame), though the proximity of our seating arrangements (she sat behind me) helped us not drift back into silence. Having recognized that she recognized me, I made an effort to talk to her more; I recall, after having given a speech (I hated public speaking), I immediately deferred to her - once I made it back to my seat - as to whether I did well. I suppose the real significance of those events is that, though I didn't realize it then, she was one of the first people I ever started to lean on, friend-wise: admitting that I was worried about how I did, just bothering to speak first to her (I was always on edge, in those days, that the person would respond as if talking to me was a burden; some did) - these are weaknesses that can be exploited, even by simply just rejecting the sincerity of them. I can still remember her clearly - even the name. Andrea. As much as we constantly say it, we never seem to remember it: the littlest things can mean a lot. Even if nothing special, even to the person receiving it - it can still be relevant. Humans are amazing - when they're not being assholes.

    I've done my best to live the right way
    I get up every morning and go to work each day
    But your eyes go blind and your blood runs cold
    Sometimes I feel so weak I just wanna explode
    Explode, and tear this whole town apart
    Take a knife and cut this pain from my heart
    Find somebody iching for something to start

    Well, the dogs on Main Street howl, 'cause they understand
    If I could reach one moment into my hand
    Mister, I ain't a boy - no, I'm a man
    And I believe in the promised land

    -Bruce Springsteen

    Lord, if there is an artist that can reach me and state me better than Bruce Springsteen, find him/her.

    The crazed pacing
    With racing placement
    Of a pulsing amazement
    That this time may hold attainment
    Is a rare occation
    When you've forsaken placing
    Yourself in the line of venture
    Yet the stubs are entered
    You deftly laugh despite the uncertain pressure
    Yet know indefintely that
    Any quip she mentions
    Will attain such frank attention
    Your wish for a current pention
    Is suspended - ended?
    Well, at least for this present session
    Pretention suspended
    Too nervous anyway for the mask to question
    Every aspect of this willed convention
    Still concerned that initial intentions
    Will change in less time than the last impression

    I want to say my best lyricism to date, but who knows. We'll say I had a muse.

    This is for the ones that have a notion
    A notion deep inside
    That it ain't no sin to be glad you're alive
    I wanna find one face that ain't looking through me
    I wanna find one place, I wanna spit in the face of these

    Badlands...

    -Bruce Springsteen