I suppose I haven't done a thorough (nor, often enough, coherant) personal entry in a while.

If you want to know a fundamental aspect of me (that, actually, I don't really talk about often), I consider how one acts (all the time) to be the embodiment of their sentiments. In other words, practice what you preach. If you wouldn't say it in front of the person, what in the world makes you think it alright to say it when they're not around? Or, to use a familiar example, – if you're being monogamous and it's not an open relationship – you shouldn't be thinking/fantasizing about other people when dating or married to someone else. I am in no way a supporter of, "You can look, but you can't touch."

And, as I've mentioned on here in probably plentiful heaps, I am not a supporter of physical attractiveness. It's basically wired into us genetically, yes, but – like, for example, choosing to have sex or not – it's still a choice as to what decisions you make surrounding the subject. Simply, such a system (and the way we've made how we react in society to it and the way we talk about it and the way we treat it have truly have made it a system) that excludes others I can never give approval to. I have played with the idea (in part because I've noticed that our actual obsessions about attractiveness tend to be unhealthy and also very narrow, thereby skipping over many aspects that I don't understand why they don't receive more attention – read here for full understanding) of every person pursuing the totality of their own personal tastes in attractiveness (since, – arguably – in a society that treats attractiveness in a healthy and nonjudgmental way, the diversity of everyone's tastes would be wide enough that there couldn't possibly be significant overlap when comparing person to person) since the theory would be that the result is everyone gets covered somewhere in being considered attractive. However, if I'm being honest, everyone wouldn't. That's the entire reason behind my protest to begin with. And, even if everyone wasn't, if there's only someone in Asia who would find someone in North America attractive (let's assume near worst case here) and neither person moves, that person in North America will still overwhelmingly likely die alone.

The fact of the matter is that there will consistently be people who are cheated out of this system because they didn't fit the bill in requirements that they had absolutely no control over – their genetics.

So, knowing all this about me, I'm having dinner with my friend Chelsea and my cousin Dominique earlier today. I forget at what point the conversation changed but I remember Chelsea or Dods asking me if I'll shave.

For those who don't know me in real life, I provide photographic evidence of my hairiness:

I've never shaved. I started growing facial hair around 4th or 5th grade, and I've never dissuaded the little guys. As you might imagine, my beard didn't exactly grow in perfectly. It came in patches (which, looking back, looked pretty damn ridiculous – more so than now – back in the day). Not trimming it means I have over-confidant strands that try to stick out by being longer than the rest.

As you might imagine, I've had people try to convince me to get rid of the food collector. Every time I go back home – guess what my mom and aunt talk about? My friends (as Chelsea and Dodi might have given you clue to)? You bet. People I've just met (though I actually tend to get the affirmative from people I just met more often)? Oh, definitely.

Some people even just downright amuse me (and infuriate me intellectually). Some people, believe it or not, actually get angry at me. Like, visibly frustrated as if they're talking to an ignorant, stubborn individual (forgive my over-self-confidence). I've seen that type of frustration and determination before. It's generally the reaction that my dad gets when I happened to not iron a shirt. "Why have you disobeyed society's rules?!?!" It's the frustration of someone who is doing something simply because they've been told to and don't seem to have the will-power to remotely question it (or, at least, allow others to autonomously deal with the situation in the way they choose and not simply accept the fact that the other person's decision isn't going to effect them anyway). I'm not saying that everyone reacts that way. But some do.

No, most people, I'd say, tell me to shave (or at least trim) out of a sincere desire to see the best for me or because they earnestly believe in the notion of shaving. I don't view them as being intellectually retarded (I am using retarded by its definition, not as a swipe at the mentally disabled/retarded), at the very least.

Now, let me explain why I refuse to shave. As I said at the beginning of this, I feel that all your actions (private and public) should reflect your beliefs. As you might imagine, I take to heart Gandhi's words, "You must be the change you wish to see in the world." So, I partially will not shave because, for that minority out there that literally have their entire world view challenged when they encounter the ferocity of my androgens, they inspire my perilous fight every time they visibly become utterly uncomfortable. I feel it's every living individual's duty to challenge them and better them.

The other reason goes back to my other continuous fight – attractiveness. Apparently, I'd be really attractive if I'd just shaved. I've been so told many times, often in an attempt to convince me to shave (apparently my very public stance about physical attractiveness somehow doesn't invalidate this as an argument point in people's minds). In fact, this was the stressed part in Chelsea and Dods argument. I seem to not "realize the opportunities that are open to [me] at the moment." Apparently there's a very attractive girl that's within my reaches if only I'd just shave (to quote Chelsea, were the girl gay, she'd totally go after her). Also she seems to be intelligent according to the two (a better selling point, in my humble opinion, than the previous one). And, considering that I've been single for the past three years (roughly), what's not to like about this situation? All it would take is a simple shaving. 5 minutes of my time for a badly done job.

However, I refuse to accept or endorse this system. I don't like it. Not one bit. And I don't want to support it. Others may believe in it – fine, they certainly have every right to. But don't make me do so. Because, as I've said, someone gets cut out of this system. And, frankly, that's all I need to know. That's all that governs my life; there's no way you will ever make headway with me if someone else is getting disadvantaged. I'm a humanistic Catholic; I promise you, all further arguments are useless on me if the integrity and respect of each individual is not kept in mind. It honestly gets no more complicated than that.

And if principle isn't enough to sway you, then consider this. You want a companion that will care more about you than just what you look like? Take both Emma and Laura, if you will. Laura hated my beard and Emma tried (though not too hard, nicely enough) to convince me to shave too. Both dated me in spite of the beard anyway. Know what that tells me? Despite my position and my unwillingness to budge on it, they still were invested or interested in me enough to put that aside. Sure, it can be scratchy and, therefore, unpleasant. That's a reasonable argument. However, part of also why I keep it is to weed out where the attention is being placed in my relationships. I could safely shave with either Emma or Laura, were I still dating either, without worrying about such a minimal change being a maker or breaker for the relationship.

Now, honestly, I'm flattered that someone apparently would be willing to consider to date me (tells you how much attention I usually get, don't it?). I was thoroughly amused by Chelsea and Dodi's pleading. But, in the end, I still stand where I've stood in the past. I'm not willing to sell out to this pathetic system or lower my standards just because I'm lonely. If someone can get me an argument, fine. But no one has been able to convince me in the 7 some years I've had these opinions.

And, if you're unable to still get behind the appearance argument, consider this. The beard is not dirty. Hell, I don't have dry skin around my chin, so it's not like there's even dandruff. Basically, the fuss is just being made over unkempt hair. If we apply this to the top of my head and pretended I didn't have a beard, it's the equivalent of someone not wanting to date me just because I don't comb my hair. I can be successful, a good student, kind, considerate, funny, etc. But I don't comb my hair.

Yeah, I really want to date her too.

 

[note: I should mention that this is all under the very tentative knowledge I've been given of the girl. She may not actually be interested in me and it's just my cousin and friend getting all in a twixt and jumping the gun. However, if she is interested in me and simply will not go forward with that due to my beard, I honestly think that's shallow. I don't generally like slinging insults but, if I'm being honest, that's what it boils down to. However, given my overall lack of concrete knowledge here, who knows where things actually stand]

One of the things that I've always had a love/hate relationship with was my ability to deal with severe sadness or emotional pain. I'm not talking about a depression spat (those are too imediate for my liking). I'm more talking emotional disturbances triggered by an unfortunate event, such as a break up or death.

I imagine it's some survival instinct I picked up back during high school, or I imagine that maybe it's just an unfortunate side effect of having to learn social mores and, therefore, monitoring and keeping watch on every action I do, but emotional disturbances don't hit me immediately. At least, not big ones.

Again probably a side effect of having to learn from scratch how to act socially, but I find it incredibly difficult to process or understand most anger/sadness that isn't in the form of an action (which, now that I think of it, is interesting considering how I tend to find anger and, to a lesser extent, sadness more easy to understand and process than the confusion that is most general happiness or positive emotions; but a thought for later: that's not the point of this post).

Someone get's hurt? Easy, help them. Someone hurt someone I care about? Comfort the friend and deal with the guilty individual. But, even further, those actions are my way of naturally expressing my emotions.

I generally don't cry. Particularly so in situations like the above. Perhaps I instinctively convinced myself it's a waste of time. I wouldn't know. But it's not something I do, on the spot particularly. I don't get torn up inside. In short, I often wonder whether I can actually feel – in a moment of self-worry – at times of particular crisis.

People expect reactions. Sure, stoicism can be taken as strength and, to some, restraint over uncontrolled emotion is considered the greater strength. I'll never forget, the second time Laura broke up with me, as Victoria and I were walking down the link, Victoria kept telling me it was alright to vent, express whatever sadness/disappoint/whatever I might be feeling. Amused by her concern, I just shrugged and honestly answered, "I'm fine." Or jess's attempted suicide. I was frustrated, irritated at not being able to do anything – but I didn't actually internally feel anything until the next day. And I'm sure it would have taken much longer to finally work, ever so slowly, through all the emotional distress which would float to the surface.

 

The last "words" I said to Steve was an E-mail asking why he hadn't told me, the Symph Winds manager, about the concert that was occurring, I think, the Friday before Winter Break.

I half considered just getting a new workstudy. I said here once that I like my bosses (and, humorously, how rare I imagine that might be for some); I hadn't realized just how much so.

It's going to be a shitshow when all it finally hits, though.

I never did really relate to most of my own class year back in high school. Freshman year I just hung out with those older than me, Sophomore year found me making tons of Freshman friends, Junior year adding the incoming Freshmen to my friend roster, and (while far, far less in numbers) I've made a few friends amongst the '11 class and even the '12 class, some of which being incredibly dear people to my heart like Marissa S.

I mention this because it's one of those ways that I've felt like a bit outside of this community. Not in terms of my friends, mind you. I mean in terms of the class and greater school general public sense. There's certain things people become known for. They're recognized. Now, I mention this because I have this great affinity for characters (which only makes further sense given how much reading I do and my own interest in English). For whatever reason, characters are able to elicit a nostalgia on par with seeing an old place (restaurant, hang out spot, etc.) I used to frequent or some person I knew from way back when who I was fond of and then see again.

The class of '09 really kind of absorbed me into their own and I've felt more partiality to them, so there was less of this outside feeling. But, with the class of '10, I knew less of them so the personalities and characters within their class I wouldn't know. Having spent 2 years now, going on three, away from them, it's crazy how much they're growing into their own and becoming their own people. And, with that, the personalities and characters within their class that have developed, alone, over that 2 years I've been gone I'm completely out of the loop for. And it's just kinda cool looking back at these people who are some of my dearests and recognizing the way they've come to, in a sense, develop a name for themselves.

 

I mention this because, in a terribly vague way, it should have given you an idea of how fond I become of my friends and the ways I become fond of personalities.

So, I was talking to Allison today and I was reminded of the way I'm defensive of her. Now, that term itself needs to be given context. See, I'm fond of jess. And, really, if you were to piece together all the various things I've said over the year, you might know that the fondness I have for jess is a protective, "let me solve any such problem you might have". While Allison is better at taking care of herself than jess, the best way to put it is that for most people I offer to threaten people who give them shit, for those two girls I actually go forth with going after their aggressor until either girl tells me not to. But I guess, more than anything, it's more a sibling like thing (odd, for girls I've dated in the past, but it really has been the most accurate description of it). I tend to act the defensive big brother actively with them whereas I might not do that necessarily with other friends.

Of course, you might immediately jump to, "But isn't it just guilt?", considering what I've said before on here about how our relationship had went. But that really isn't it. This fondness stems, I feel, from something else. I was talking to her today, after what has been a while, and Alys had happened to write a note that mentioned a bunch of people she admired (Allison included in that list).

What both these previous mentioned things highlight is her personality and much of who she is. She's able to get me to smile so utterly easily just anyday and she's a very strong personality. I mean, I feel this again has to be put in context. Back in the two years the both of us attended AESHS together, Allison did not have the best reputation nor was liked much. I had many people who were just not pleased when I first dated her. And yet I felt there was more to her, as I've said on here before. In spite of what people thought of her, she made a place for herself and got people to respect her. And, in spite of, to quote Alys, her "deliquency" she's always had a still stable head. I remember back when she was a Sophomore she used to say she'd likely not even go to college because she never really cared to even apply herself to her work; I always thought she was too damn smart to possibly do that. She's one of those few who can partake in wreckless activities (staying drunk for an entire weekend?) and still I completely respect and value her opinion. And, as Alys said, she's a great friend and good at dealing with people. Honestly, she's quite the remarkable person while still maintaining entirely who she uniquely is. I'm sure she'd shoot down these remarks, and say that likely much of this isn't done intentionally, but it doesn't mean it isn't true, I'd counter back.

And, I guess I want to highlight this type of friendship I have with her because, 1. it further helps understand myself and how I think, 2. well, I've always been incredibly adoring of my friends (really, I've always said, my family) and so why wouldn't I highlight any particular friendship, and 3. because it's distinctive enough that I feel it's important enough I note it.

I guess it's a mix of that brotherly thing I have with jess and yet the same way I view either Kristi or Erin - incredibly strong people who I don't necessarily have to agree with a majority of things on (which, really, is actually crucial for me) and still utterly respect them, while also people who I don't have to keep up with often and yet can just see again and it's like no time has passed since I last saw them.

I've said before that I tend to talk about my life in terms of my ex's (which Allison is), but also important are my friends. They're wonderful. It might help you see why I harp on the importance of the personality and character so often, too.

 

Finding the right person to date, for me, tends to be a more...complicated affair than I ever like. See, fundamentally, even regardless of any other possible traits, there is always a particular trait that I want that, in essence, tends to be (what I feel is) a reflection of myself - I want complexity. Not in the most general sense but in that you near contradict yourself.

As both Laura and jess are a testament to, I tend to prefer someone with an incredibly engagable personality, most often articulated in a public personality that is often completely agreeable. In fact, it often borders on being mistaken for being simplistic and, by extension, stupid (which, really, makes far more sense than you might initially assume; if people were to look only at my sense of humor, I'm either the driest individual you may come by or, on the other side of the spectrum, a complete asshole who completely banks on shock value for any sort of reaction or poor sex jokes. Focus on one aspect of anyone and you miss the possible complexity of their personality. This is just more easy a crime to commit since the public personality is the one we see of a person most often and, for some, entirely).

However, you'd be a fool (and also a bit of an ass) to assume as much. Get to know the person and they're utterly intelligent, often troubled, very much self-aware (ironically, even if they themselves aren't aware of it), etc.

And it's often such specificity that screws me over. I need someone who's patient enough and able to push me enough to deal with my intense shyness. At the same time, I need someone shy enough to not be domineering and to allow me take a leading role as well.

I want someone who actually challenges me. If I can sum them up easily (and, with so many people, that isn't that difficult), there's a problem. Which, in and of itself, often implies constant contradiction. Passionate, yet able to be subdued when appropriate in certain situations. Have to be independent and able to stand on their own, yet not optimally happy that way so they need someone to lean on and get support from (hence a huge component on most relationships). Someone jaded enough to not be happy-go-lucky yet willing to believe there's more out there. Like I've said before here, I need a dreamer. I need someone who feels that utterly pull to chase something. If you're not looking forward, you'll clash heavily with my own personality.

 

And part of that is what I feel is a huge problem - I need someone, in a sense, who is troubled.

I have clinical depression, along with a..."pleasant" childhood. I have a taste for the warped. The dark and dreary is not something which will not forever be a component of my life. As I've said before here, I don't plan to - and probably couldn't - cut that out of my life.

I like more extreme things. While I often being incredibly straight-lace in almost anything, I can look at things with a fascinated impartiality (I told my cousin, off a random thought, yesterday to try reading Catcher In the Rye but with Holden having a sexual crush on Phoebe, largely to just gross out my cousin, but also because the perversity of such a reading actually being possible is intriguing, when you really think about it). And that impartiality, as well as a bit of my hyperbolic sense of humor, is partially how I approach the world.

I don't want to hold back.

And I don't want to necessarily fall into old conventions about things but would rather explore something and decide for myself what to think of it all.

I'm being far too vague but I couldn't put things into more specific a way without going into specific examples, at which point things would be so specified that we'd need many examples in order to cover everything I'm talking about in every different case they might show up as.

 

My point is - pain, suffering, disillusionment, fear, even anger, are all very human. And while I don't want to be yelled at, I do want to see all of those things. You cannot possibly be completely un-traumatized by some point in your life or even your present. Share that. It's a part of you. Plus to be devoid of such things is boring.

People are messy. People are not perfect and they're incapable of being packaged in these nice little boxes.

Do not try to shove yourself into one of them. Frustration can be endearing and it's not something I don't want to deal with.

While, yes, being happy and getting along and being enjoyable is nice, that's not all of who we are. And, I guess, what I'm trying to say...you're more interesting that way so why hide it? Why deal with it in private.

I want someone who's able to control themselves and yet can be a mess. I want fucking complexity. Be varied, be vast, be radiant.

Xhiddenxtearzx (6:43:39 PM): i love him jon.

SBI MEZ M86 (6:46:20 PM): then I'm happy for you. really happy. because you deserve to be happy. heh, life works out, occassionally

Xhiddenxtearzx (6:47:03 PM): =].

Xhiddenxtearzx (6:48:10 PM): if someone would've told me at the beginning of the school year that i'd feel this way about them i would've called them an idiot.

SBI MEZ M86 (6:48:46 PM): heh. nice

Xhiddenxtearzx (6:49:03 PM): i'm not kidding.

Xhiddenxtearzx (6:49:46 PM): and i can honestly say i've only ever felt like this once before.

SBI MEZ M86 (6:50:42 PM): really? then this seems to be genuine

SBI MEZ M86 (6:50:53 PM): not that I doubted it before

Xhiddenxtearzx (6:51:11 PM): whats genuine mean?

SBI MEZ M86 (6:52:12 PM): like, authentic. real.

Xhiddenxtearzx (6:52:31 PM): oh ok got it.

Xhiddenxtearzx (6:53:02 PM): wanna know something.

SBI MEZ M86 (6:53:21 PM): sure

Xhiddenxtearzx (6:55:48 PM): the only other person i've felt this for is you.

SBI MEZ M86 (6:58:44 PM): really? why? not like I don't believe you. you know. just curious. of all people

Xhiddenxtearzx (6:59:48 PM): honestly i dont know why...its just like i have this connection with the 2 of you that i've never had with a guy before...

Xhiddenxtearzx (7:00:41 PM): its weird i mean i just feel this connection with you and i feel it with anthony...i dont know exactly what it is..

SBI MEZ M86 (7:04:28 PM): yeah. I know what you mean. well, I told you you're the only person I'm able to say that about, before, so. heh. I'm glad we were able to keep this friendship, even after everything. 'cause you're a closer friend to me than most. and we have been through a lot that has connected us, as you said

Xhiddenxtearzx (7:05:33 PM): its just i feel as this is like a lifelong friendship no matter what happens...and that you'll always be there.

SBI MEZ M86 (7:06:11 PM): yeah. I think it is

Xhiddenxtearzx (7:06:22 PM): =] good.

Xhiddenxtearzx (7:09:02 PM): i'm always so happy when i get to talk to you =].

SBI MEZ M86 (7:13:28 PM): heh, same. you always are able to bring up my mood. and you're so easy to talk to
Xhiddenxtearzx (7:13:52 PM):=].

Sometime before Senior year started for high school, I decided I was going to make the most of my life as I could that year. I mean, it was my Senior year. I'm sure you know the expectations of such a year - your best of high school, yada yada, etc.

So, that's how I headed into it. I enjoyed every second of band camp as much as I could, from the marching to the yelling to the hanging with friends to the music. I asked out Laura for the second time. I really got to know and get closer to more people than I had before and really just truly appreciated how many amazing friends I really have (something which was driven so much more home when I went to college). I made the most of Prom.

Granted, I didn't go bungee jumping or anything. But I threw myself into everything I wanted to do, soaked up and enjoyed every part of any event that's been built up to be amazing or that I've come to expect to be amazing or fantastic. No regrets, no feeling sorry about things I didn't do. No worrying about the consequences or whatever. Granted, I didn't totally do all this (could you imagine me not regretting or beating myself up over the past entirely) but certainly did so to the best of my ability.

And that was the point.

As my life has gone through (major) changes and I've had to look at life differently, create more permanent certain outlooks on life - that hasn't changed all too much.

Now, as above might show, I don't mean traveling around the world when I have no way to afford it. It doesn't mean dropping my job to go do something else.

It means practical things which, given all the extra crap floating around in our lives and clogging up our energy and desire to do things, won't be dragged down and not fully enjoyed or just plain done when you don't have to not do it.

So, for example, taking a trip down to Ohio? Parents would never let me do it. I've never driven that far (or for that long) before. I would need to pay for the gas, too. I could get caught. Not to mention what if something goes wrong? My old self might've looked at these things (let's assume that my old self can drive as good as me now, however, and has all similar benefits of this age) and said, "Too much to plan. Too much that might go wrong." My new attitude's immediate response was - Let's - do - it.

 

See, I have this friend that I've known for roughly 4 to 5 years now. Her name's Jessica though almost everyone calls her Jessi and I call her jess.

I met jess back from an old ex of mine, Rachel. Because I am continually the epitome of cool, I was doing the really cool thing that everyone did back then (don't deny it) and had a long distance relationship online. See, Rachel lived in Ohio (which is not where I live; just, you know, so we're totally clear).

Funnily enough, Rachel and I didn't really go anywhere. As I recall, I dated her 3 days or so before I had to end it. Ironically, in that time, she happened to introduce me to jess. For whatever reason (I hardly ever bother to act first and almost always react to other people so it surprises me when I bother to pursue talking to others, especially for something as someone I met in a chatroom on AIM with my ex), jess and I developed a friendship after that first encounter.

Further more ironic, we became extremely close.

I'd have to look through old files and such to really understand how that progressed, but we talked more and more. Also just because of how jess is, I often knew exactly what was going on over there. Over time I got to know rather well even her cousins and what became a mutual friend of ours, Dillan.

I suppose that's what really helped the friendship, that I'd often get exact updates as to what was going on in terms of what people were doing, what was going on, etc. Maybe I've used AIM for so long (or, more likely, maybe I talk with so many people I see on day-to-day basises now) that I don't get such detail from people.

So, I talked to jess almost daily. Whenever she had a problem, something to complain about, or a problem that needed to be solved, I was there. We became incredibly close. So, what can I say? I fell for her. Not that I exactly realized it. But my relationship with jess, and the long and complicated history that goes with that, is a story that's really for another time. The thing to take away here is that we wound up dating; and, as the AIM conversation above might indicate, we both fell in love with each other. And that's not been something I've said lightly for 2 or 3 years now, nor something I'd say I fall easily into.

Well, to be truly cursory, we broke up. That time was a long (it's scary how far away these days seem more and more) time ago. We've talked less and less.

Not to say we're not still close. But we do talk significantly less. I'm not involved in jess's daily life, though I keep up with the major stuff (she graduated at the top of her class, got to deliver a speech to the school because of it, etc.). And, well, jess was always more of the talker while I just listened.

And, despite all of this stuff we'd been through (and we've actually been through a lot, for people living in two opposite states - she nearly died several times and I had to find her help, I've talked her through situations when she was worried about hyperventilation, and other (less threatening) stuff) - we'd still never met in person.

I mean, that was something I'm sure both of us figured would happen someday. But I couldn't possibly convince my parents to go down to Ohio, of all places, and I have no car. And I couldn't expect that she'd be able to do it, seeing as she's 2 or 3 years younger than me (depending on the time in the year).

Well, despite my patience (which my dad continually reminds me of - though, it's a bad example because, compared to him, it's very easy to be more patient), I can be quite impatient at times.

I wanted to see jess, in person, and I didn't feel like waiting anymore. Like I said, my old self would probably have said, "Woah, hold up now. I have at least 5 possible problems already. Can we think about (and only think about) this idea?" Me now said, "Can you come up with a rough, feasible plan? Life's for living, let's do it!"

Her birthday is June 10th. As a (late) birthday present, I decided to leave Saturday, the 12th, to go see her.

So, telling my parents I was going to see a friend at around 8:30-9 in the morning, I took off to go pick up my friend Mallika. And, together, we began our drive to Ohio.

That was loads of fun. I wish I had some of the pictures we had taken to post, but I'm afraid I don't. But other than that and the many (many) things we discussed (some serious, some funny) along with the music we played on the way there, it was mostly just driving (and more driving). I hope you'll understand if I'd rather not recall specifics of conversation, and such; just trust it was good fun?

Probably a statement of how close jess and I are, at first there didn't even seem to be anything weird about finally seeing her. She wasn't going to throw anything (in terms of behavior or what she'd say) at me that I wouldn't expect.

But, as we neared, I started going over all doubts and such (my mind likes to exercise all possible arguments; this isn't always helpful because it sometimes causes me to doubt otherwise sound decisions).

I mean, was I going there just because it was big and something to do, a cap to our never meeting thing? Or did I actually want to really see her? I mean, shouldn't I be more...I dunno, feel weird, than this? What would she say? I mean, we don't even talk as much as we used to. What if this ends up not being a big deal, in any way? What if it's So what? Oh, we met, big whoop. What if she isn't like I've known her, even? What if she's different in real life?

In the end, though, these thoughts were put to rest. In the end, it was still jess, the same old girl I've know for years, the same girl I've listened to so many problem upon problem, the same girl I fell in love with years ago. You could play her voice to me years later and I'll still recognize it.

And she was surprised, intensely, like I had wanted. And I cannot deny, there was something almost unreal about hugging her for the very first time. Ironically enough, as if I'd done it a million times and yet it actually was for the first time ever.

As we were waiting outside of the building where she had been having her graduation party so that we could follow her back to her house, Mallika asked me (funnily enough, for the first time since I had asked if she wanted to accompany driving with me) why I had bothered to make this 6 hour long trip to Ohio and back, at risk of being caught for going. I had figured someone would ask. And - I have a terribly unbreakable habit of playing out scenarios of daily life in my head - I had imagined how this question might go. Would it be brief? Would I end up telling the whole story, emotions and all included?

It ended up being very brief, just the outline of the story, but (in answering) I wound up really articulating why I had bothered to make such a trip. As I told Mallika how I had dated jess and mentioned how we had been through so much together - well, she's such a huge part of my life, how could I not make this trip? I'm terrible of keeping up with people (and my onslaughts of depression and unstable moods makes this so for even those I'm direly close to, no matter how close) but even years from now, we'll still be talking. I have a very strong feeling that we'll be seeing each other much more often once we get more independence.

jess is...well, jess is a lot of things, though she'll fool you and make you think she's not. And, like a lot of the really important women in my life, I'm still trying to make sense of what exactly she's done to me, how she's impacted my life.

So, I had to see her. Even if I don't do anything else this summer (ha, as if I'll allow that to happen...), I can definitely say it wasn't wasted.

And, to be certain, I'm no angel in this whole thing.

I had meant to write something in regard to what happened with Allison for half a year now, but I've always had this habit of taking forever to get to things.

As I said once before, all too often, I find myself talking in terms of my ex-girlfriends because I think I've learned so much of them. Sometimes it's from my own fucking up.

I'm mostly doing this because, once again, there's not really ever been a full explanation of it. I remember shortly after we had broken up she happened to run into me when I was hanging with Vikki (and I want to say someone else, but I cannot remember) - which isn't surprising, considering me and Allison often spent a lot of time after school before.

Vikki and I were being our usual selves and oddly wrapped around each other or lying over the other one. So, naturally, when Vikki was off doing something else, Allison asked if Vikki and I were a couple. To which I, accordingly, felt ashamed because the poor girl was probably thinking I had left her to go to Vikki. This was not the case; Vikki and I have always just had no sense of private space. After telling Allison no, she (of course) asks why we had broken up. If I remember, she brought up some possible cause that, to me, should have never mattered in the grand scheme of things. More than anything, though, I remember how utterly vulnerable she looked.

For a girl with so much unfair crap to work through and who could put on a façade when she wanted to (or perhaps it was just instinctual at times), it always surprises me how easily she'll let people in or just throw down her defenses at you - almost to say, "Go ahead, do as you will. I'm in your hands now."

I remember standing there, uncomfortable, and just responding, "I don't know." Bullshit excuse, no? Hah, it always is, when you don't mean it.

And yet, roughly a year and a half later, that's still the only answer I have. I have no clue why something which, by any reasonable measuring, should have been markedly longer (for one) and more meaningful than it ended up having to settle for should have just burnt out so brutally and suddenly.

Maybe I should start a little bit more towards the beginning?

I can't remember how I met Allison exactly. Okay, let me take that back. I distinctly remember my first memory of Allison. She was a Freshman and standing next to a friend of hers in the hallway that many of the bandies swarmed after they were kicked out of in front of the band room, trying to shake her ass, and going, "____, look. Look." I can't remember the exact point she was trying to make (I think a reference to something; it was just a random dance of some sort). I just remember shaking my head and thinking, "Good God, Freshmen…."

At that time, I doubt I knew her name. I later ran into her and she said she thought we knew each other when she was trying to tell me why someone else I just barely had seen around and talked to 3 times at most was not at school that day. This actually makes more sense than it would seem. I'm the type to consider someone I just met a friend and, back in the day, would be certain to get their attention every time I saw them and say hello to them. It was a social mechanism I had picked up from Middle School, when I was a wall flower and getting acquaintances was good enough as far as I was concerned for human interaction.

The reason I'm "uncertain as to how I met Allison" is because after those moments, I don't know when barely seeing her and saying no more than 2 words to her turned into spending a ton of time with her. I just remember she was one of those who unexplainably just got a crush on me and then pursued me like all Hell.

She usually had to spend time after school for some type of job. I was usually after school because I could then use the computers there for hours on end with no interruption and seeing friends over my parents at home was always more worthwhile. My next memories of her are staying after school. Its this time I remember her interested in trying to date me. I don't exactly remember how she made this known, however. I do remember it wasn't direct, like a blunt statement of it.

However, Laura and I had just broken up for the first time. And there was no way in Hell anyone was getting to me after that one, no matter how hard they tried. And tried Allison did. While only one person possibly came upon my radar during those 4 months of being single (*cough*Kari*cough*), Allison did make it clear she was interested in me. And I, of course, was hesitant. It finally came to a head after school one night when I was heading out to get picked up by my dad.

Allison is standing there with me (as I remember it) with herself wrapped around me. I'm kinda not really reacting in hopes that she'll get the idea. She says something which I can't seem to remember anymore. I ask, "So, where do we go from here?" She pauses, then looks at me and kinda pats my shoulder, responding, "I'm gonna think about it." Then adds as a side thought, "Yes, I do think about things, Jon," as if I've bought into the rumors about her and assume this.

So, now I must actually give hard thought to this. So I mull it around for a good day…and finally decide that, no, I'm not really over Laura, so forget it, I'm just going to have to tell Allison I'm not interested.

Well, next time I see her, she's dating Steve Chevalia. Well, admittedly, I found her needing to think about something she had been pursuing quite intently for a while now uncharacteristic of her and something she made up to have an excuse to drop the previous. Steve seems to confirm this. "Great, another Lilly," I think to myself. Well, fine, I'm not really bothered, considering I didn't want it to go anywhere and I was kinda being obnoxious beforehand by not really giving a response and so I find it to basically be fair. Whatever was actually going on during those odd times then (because it paints us both in a semi-poor light and I hardly consider my memory to be able to accurately portray her), I chalk it up to being young on both our sides.

Anyway, fast forward, Laura and I date for 2 months and break up. I can't remember during the spans of when Allison and I first started kinda getting involved to when we finally went out what the order or things we did together were. So just assume that the following events happened at some point during this entire time. I hate that I can't remember, because it deprives us of the perspective of time and my own opinions and thoughts during the moments. But oh well. During this time spans, we had a habit of going to the practice rooms. Despite the reputation these had gotten by now, all we did was talk. I'd often play some variation of a minor cord for her, since she enjoyed that. She was always emotionally upset during these times. It was mostly melancholy. And she just shed so much for me during these times, letting me in and know things that, with anyone else, I would expect a much longer time to get there. Naturally, for the sake of her own privacy, none of what happened there gets repeated. But we did get closer during that time. At some point a little later, we started talking over FB messages. She was often grounded, though her iPhone wasn't taken away, so we were able to talk through that. I'm going to have to assume that this was after Laura and I broke up.

So. Now we finally get to about the time when the two of us go out. I (think I) am over Laura and Allison is a multilayered and interesting person. Sure, she'd require work, as far as a relationship works, because she's not simplistic but shouldn't I do something because it's worth it, not because it's easy? And it shouldn't be thought I just jumped into this. I talked to one of her exes about it and really started thinking critically about the idea.

Finally, I decide, yeah, let's do it.

And, again, by any reasonable measuring, this should have been a fine relationship. Allison is right down my alley as far as people I'd be interested in. She's smart, thinks outside of the box, quirky in her own ways, deceptively average, kinda clingy and definitely passionate, willing to question things, etc. etc. Oh, and she had a love for music. Um, yes please.

And, more than anything, she was in certain ways still developing. Which makes sense, considering she was a Sophomore in high school at the time. But it's significant because I always seem drawn to those who are independent enough to stand on their own and can actually teach me (I always need people who are willing enough to push me or make the first move - but, still need me in some way and end up not being overbearing). But they're still learning, they're still figuring shit out. They still need me. It's a difficult balance to find, let me assure you.

So, the first three days? Downright fantastic. The first day alone was perfect. I'm happier than I've been in a while.

It all was actually kinda weird. I remember the first day of us going out, everyone I saw was all, "You're going out with Allison!!!1!1!ONEONE". The second half of the day I saw all the friends who where, "You're going out with Allison…? Ew…" Admittedly, she had a reputation, though I didn't care. Some of the things said was that she was stupid (which is the dumbest thing you could possibly ever say about her), that she was a slut, or just some really stupid shit (she's obnoxious, whine whine whine). Part of what just made her astounding was what was said about her, how much of that was in any sense true, and then how she responded to it all. I'm partially saying empty phrases, for you had to have known her to understand what I'm getting at, but the way that she handled herself, and when taken in consideration with what was said about her, was just powerful. Now, I'm talking from a somewhat keyhole view. While I did get to know her in a quicker amount of time than would have happened with most other people, it certainly wasn't everything and my view may be skewed. But she had one Hell of a personality and personage.

And then…something happened. And I italicize happened because that's just it. The emphasis isn't on some outside thing - because I don't know what changed. It's the fact that it occurred, not what caused it. Because, as I said at the start of this – I don't know.

And it irritates me to this day. Let's go over it.

Well, maybe it would have been wise not to start dating Allison 2 weeks after breaking up with Laura for the second time?
     True, however, I didn't even realize that until Laura mentioned it. In fact, I hadn't paid any attention to the amount of time that passed at all (which is why I take special care to check how much time passes after a break up these days; it still surprises me how quickly I think time has passed after those, though it actually hasn't). And, going off of that still, you could argue I rushed it without thinking about it but I didn't. I talked to one of her exes, I thought about it. It wasn't a rash decision. I rarely make those, I'm so damn hesitant all the time.

Okay then, maybe instead of making out all the time with her, you should have spent more time focusing on her.
     Once again, a good point - but I didn't think of that then. It's true, I'm far more turned on by personality than anything else. But I didn't realize that most of our time spent together didn't really focus on who we were and more on the usual mores of dating (holding hands, cuddling, making out - lots of making out). It's something to learn and something I should have done, but not something I intentionally avoided.

And, of course, why did I choose to not break it off as soon as I realized something was wrong but chose not to drag it out even longer then? Two weeks is a pretty short amount of time to date anyone, in any circumstance. Not to mention that most of Allison's previous relationships were only 2 weeks as well.
     To be honest, I didn't break it off after 3 days because that felt absolutely insulting. And like I was just giving up. I thought it was bad enough I wanted to break up with her, why would I add the insult of only 3 days of time? Okay, then, since I seemed so dearly concerned with not insulting her by a short break up, why 2 weeks? That's still short. Well, my own experience with break up, really. I've been in the situation where you're in a relationship that you actually care about. You want it to work, damn it. But the other person doesn't quite feel the same way. And either they just don't care about putting effort into the relationship or they don't want it to continue but don't want to break up with you because they're afraid of the consequences. But of course, you don't know this when you're going out with them. You usually have a hunch, but you know everything for certain after the break up. So you get dragged along with all the emotions and feelings that go along with that experience until the break up finally happens. Now, if you're in the position of wanting to break up, you usually realize this about a month in at the shortest. Alright, now you know - break up with them and don't drag them along. It becomes a bit more complicated when you've only dated them for 3 days. Maybe I should have done something else. Maybe I shouldn't've waited. Maybe I should have. Maybe I should have just let her know what was going on. But, while I was already completely confused by a situation that I didn't understand and simultaneously worried about how it would effect her, I made the choice I did with the best judgement I could muster.

And I'll never forget the look on her face when I finally did it. I was uncomfortable all over, of course. And so, as I saw her that morning, I pulled her to the side and said, "I have to talk with you." In this almost comic fashion, she responds in an overly played up, "Oh? Are you going to break my heart?" And this should sound almost childish, right? But no. The sugarcoated cheerfulness of it, the sound of it almost ringing of that "innocent" femininity that's been fetishized to such an extreme makes it all the more mocking, in its own way. Like, "Really? You're going to do this to me?" Of course, I respond yes. I don't remember if we said anything after that. All I remember is after she says she'll see me later, she turns - and at that moment slips up. After acting happy this entire time, her facial expression is bitter, it's angry; it's restrained. It was just a second. Just a glance as she was turning away and her face said everything. And all I could think to myself was, "Scumbag…"

So I don't know. I wish I did, but I don't know why it didn't work. Fittingly, I kinda got it all kicked into my face afterwards. During the summer, me and her kept up communication. I can't remember if we did during the time between break up and the summer, but I know we definitely conversed during the summer. And like Hell we did.

I was just discovering the amazing-ness of sleeping in, which resulted in me not being capable of falling asleep until 5 in the morning. Allison did not aid this by talking to me. So we just talked, for hours on end, for a full month (like, everyday). About everything. And I will probably never have anything like this again. It was normal conversations to questioning why we do things and why people think what they do. From the concrete to the abstract. Absolutely fantastic.

Heh, and, basically, it was like, "Oh, this is what I gave up…?" Again, fitting, appropriate, and just. Sometimes life actually fits those descriptions.

I suppose what irritates me more than anything is - she trusted me. She let me in, she put trust in me. You know, I wasn't just some new boyfriend or something, I was one in a long line of boyfriends. I should have been different. Instead, I ended up just being like some of the others. Which is pathetic and so much less than what she deserved.

Despite only dating her for 2 weeks, I rank Allison easily among those exes of mine which have actually left some discernible mark of change on me. Fact is, I'm learning that I easily get bored with people (I mean in general, not in terms of dating). It's not that typically they're stunted (at least, not those I know; the main populace, that's debatable). It's just that so often they're willing to settle, to just be like everything else or just accept what they're told. They're interesting enough people, capable of commanding logic and reason in an acceptable enough fashion. But they don't bother to go beyond. They're content to just settle.

I can't say Allison is one of the few people I respect. Because there's a lot of people I respect, for various reasons. But with Allison (with the girl I knew then, at minimum, if this is not true now, though I'd be surprised if it wasn't), I continue to be amazed by just, fundamentally, who she is. I don't know if I could properly communicate this concept to you.

But again, I repeat, she deserved far more than she received from me. Any person has a right to better treatment than that, I think.

I'm not entirely sure why I'm writing about this now, about 4 years after the fact. But I suppose it's because there actually isn't anywhere I've really made any note of it, other than in passing to other people. Plus, it seems out of place for me never to mention it. And I don't talk things out enough and tend to keep them inside all the time.

In any case, back during the beginning of Sophomore year of high school, I dated a certain Lilly (as some will remember). That was...an interesting experience, in a multitude of ways.

It was one of those moments (that continue to just confuse me) where I meet a girl, and she immediately pursues me after the first few seconds with absolute abandon. Actually, up until Allison, these instances had the accurate and logical result of the girl realizing she made a big mistake and getting the Hell out thereafter.

In any case, for a short background update, I can tell Lilly is hitting on me. But I'm still trying to end getting into a relationship again with girlfriend number 3 (Rachel Bird) before getting into any other relationship. That and I was probably shy explains my non-reactions. However, eventually Lilly gets fed up and exclaims, "You realize I've been flirting with you, right?!" I tell her yes, and roughly try to explain my non-reaction. She, I think, misunderstands. Some kind of really amusing (in retrospect) petty fight results due to this. Eventually we both get back on the same page and decide to go out.

Of course, the only warning I really get about this adventure I'm about to embark on is from a just budding friendship with Victoria Mendez in the form of a cryptic remark of, "I love Lilly, but that girl just doesn't think sometimes." (at least, to the best of my memory, I think that's she said).

Well, Lilly's means of getting my attention to begin with may be telling of her means of communication back then - in other words, she'll have a distinct idea of what she wanted you to do and she'll hint at it plenty but she expects you to get it and just act on it. Of course, if you do the wrong thing, she wasn't entirely too pleased anyway.

Those who know me can see the problem already. While I probably wasn't nearly as shy and hesitant then as I became, for a girl who seemed to want to move quickly and would have loved plenty just spending hours necking, I was not the right type by any sense.

Granted, I'll be the first to admit, I was a rather awful boyfriend, as far as things go. Consistently hesitant and utterly new to this, it...was painfully awkward.

The only good moment I can think of was a moment when (I believe) Val noticed her and realized that she had thrown a pencil down from the second floor near the band room and it had hit him on the first floor. After she apologized, he said, "Hug?" to which I responded, "Uh, no..." and pulled her in towards me. Otherwise, just painfully awkward moments of expectations and failure of those expectations.

Alright, so I wasn't the most socially competent boyfriend ever. Just break up with me and it's over, right? No, not quite. First Lilly decides to make out with Max Vistitsky while dating me (something he still continues to apologize for, though I hardly hold any form of grudge towards him over it). Then, because this is the mindset Lilly thought in back then, she decides she wants to break up with me. But, of course, because Lilly has these expectations and is unwilling to simply state them, she opts for making the relationship as awful as possible in order to get me to break up with her. So, she ignores me when I'm there. Avoids me a few times. Spends a time going on about how hot some guys in a Manga are with Miriam while I'm sitting there. Maybe other stuff, but I can't remember.

Well, because I can be stubborn at times, I decide I'm not going to break up with her because, if she wants wants it so badly, she ought to be the one to do it. After about a week, she finally does it (the cliché trappings of "You're a really great guy, but" and all).

The amusing aspect was the Duxlers coming up to me before it actually happened (though at this point I knew it was coming) and going, "We're really sorry Jon" only to realize afterwards they're a little early (this is why I love those two; heh, no, that wasn't even a bit of sarcasm). And then finding out that a week before this she had started dating some 19-year-old online who's in Australia.

Significance of it all? Well, it pretty much laid the path of my "dating abilities" for the future. Basically, it set in place my complete hesitation when it would come to dating in the future, the worrying that would essentially make something as simple as taking a person's hand pretty much legitimately impossible, etc.

Now, I do want to be clear, I'm not in any way saying that this is the Lilly now. The two of us don't exactly hold long-drawn conversations, etc. these days and it's obviously been a while since 4 years ago. However, I am stating things as they were then.

In the grand scheme of things, it does have a relevance.

I find it interesting these days when I talk to others about relationships and what they hope for in love. This is largely because how I understand the concept has very radically changed from simply half a year or a year ago.

It’s interesting to see, almost, the way that these concepts of a relationship are continually painted as being very easy, natural, and almost as if expected.

“You can all fall in love; it just is a matter of time.”

Or my favorite is the one where the two walk past each other and just happen to be struck by this realization. It’s nice, and it’s sweet, it really is (my voice is actually not supposed to be heavily sarcastic right now like it usually tends to be).

But you go through enough relationships and you realize it really isn’t like that. Actually, they’re just at the surface and there’s a depth more to look through.

Hmm, how can I properly get these thoughts across? I suppose it’s the difference from entering a relationship thinking of an end and then entering a relationship knowing it probably won’t work out. Heh, it sounds somewhat downing yet that’s the fact of the matter. The point of dating is for enjoying the moments that happen. As I’ve said previously, my past exes do share an importance and a lot of that does lie it the memories they’ve given me and the lessons they’ve taught me. There are people I adore because of what I’ve learned about them during that time of higher intimacy.

But it probably won’t last. Usually won’t. And you’ve got to understand that. In all brutal honesty, I expect that I won’t end up with anyone in the end. And I’m alright with that. Not everything ideal in life works out. As soon as I get capable of supporting myself and others firmly with no fear of otherwise, if not involved with anyone else, I’m going to adopt. I’m not going to slow my life around this.

Now, of course, this is a worst case scenario. To what degree things lean in that direction regardless, it’s the point you realize that the past moments and connections were very much worth it and understanding that clinging and expecting all payout from the Goal and final ending is unrealistic.

The other aspect is knowing what to expect in a relationship and from the person. When we’re young, we have basic expectations. Generally, they’re very, very minimal. As things go on, they may get slightly more specific. They need to be gentle, caring, smart, etc. etc.

But we don’t think about the little things in the relationship.
     Are things awkward when you’re with zir (gender-neutral pronoun; think “him or her”) or do they flow in a way that’s satisfying for both people?
     Do the cons outweigh or are totally not bothering to us or do the pros outweigh (we’re so used to thinking ze’ll be so perfect there will be nothing which you dislike. Hehe…think again)?
     Can ze support you? Meaning, is ze enough to keep you sustained or are you left wanting more, feeling like something’s missing?
     Better yet, can you recognize when it’s that you’re missing something and when it’s simply that you’re being naïve or expecting more than ze can give you or than you ought to expect realistically?

The common theme between all of the above? They’re gray areas. And they’ve all been even simplified here. They’re far more complex, individual, and dependent on specific situations that I cannot begin to even think of them all. Further, I’ve only listed 5, which is a far lower amount of those gray areas than there are.

A relationship – while I largely do still believe, and will continue to argue, that a relationship is very much flowers and compliments and cute gifts – is the nitty gritty. It’s “Does this bother you?” It’s making sure you’re able to properly articulate what bothers you to the other person (which is a lot harder than you’d think) and both of you being able to handle it. It’s making sure you’re open to each other and making sure you both work to making the relationship work. It’s the boring little details that are more than just gazing at each other lovingly or teasing and laughing with each other.

Again, I stress, those things are not unimportant – rather, they’re as important as the other stuff I’ve added. But you must have both in must, must deal with both, when dealing with a relationship.

And when you’ve realized this – well, I find that this difficult, irritating, tiresome and energy draining, time consuming, complex ordeal is all the more astounding. It’s all the more worthwhile. Hats off to those who manage to make it work, because it’s quite a daunting task which I’m not even sure I’ll ever accomplish.

Suddenly that person is all the more dynamic. Suddenly that the two of you work is more puzzling, more thankful and enjoyable. Alright, I think that’s enough of abstracts that are failing to get across what I’m trying to say anyway (hence why the list of them). I can’t really get at what it’s like.

But it’s that weird moment when you aren’t actually bothered by the difficulty or that the odds are stacked against you. I don’t look at relationship with this expectation to “succeed” anymore – I just want a glimpse of the person I’m involved with (and, hopefully, to have that develop even further and further into a solid friendship) and to have no regrets come that crash. If things are gonna burn out in flames, I want those flames to be so fierce and bright that those at a distance are taken in awe. Let me get wasted out and remind me that I’m alive, that I feel – that it all actually meant something, that’s why it hurts so damn bad.

Now, obviously, that’s not the ideal ending. Ideally, if things do end, they should end on a peaceful note. But don’t just waste it. Don’t mourne because it ended, or maybe unhappy because it wasn’t more, that it didn’t end up being love but just maybe two weeks – appreciate that nonetheless. It meant something, does mean something.

A friend asked me what I wanted in a companion. I responded:

And, in light of this, I understand that, really, so simplistic of wanting for a relationship and in a person is difficult to acheive. But that’s what makes it so damn amazing. That really doesn't explain it. But I'm starting to think that in order to understand, you've just got to witness it yourself.

A related video. If only all pop stuff this complex and non-simplistic (or formulaic) – basically, intelligent – and I might not actually hate the stuff so much then.

And, because who doesn't need a bit of Scrubs all the time?

Thanks Escapist.

 

This one reminded me of you, Erin:

 

Thoreau would've been proud:

 

And yet it's so difficult to properly articulate you in any reasonable way. You're amazing like that.

Well, I had meant to work out different visual techniques in photoshop and, in pure Jon fashion, I waited until the day before and then stayed up all night working on it. The birds do sound very beautiful this morning, however. In any case, what I had wanted to accomplish this time around was creating something visually pleasing to the eyes along the lines of what you might find in pictures online that's different from the "realistic" alterations I usually do in photoshop. The hope was to practice and extend my own graffic design senses (if I have any to begin with) and to simply do something outside of my comfort zone.

The final product is strikingly reminiscent of the pieces I was looking at - however, most pictures with these aspects tend to have an appalling commonality. As usual, I was nitpicky about nearly every aspect (I have to wonder if I do just about anything with utter certainty and no doubt). Still not sure if there's anything I'm missing. But might just be me being overly analytical. Anyway, you guys can always tell me. Enough of me talking, here's the picture (click for the original size):

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One month already (heh, for the third time now for us).