At the end of it all, I'd still do it, I realized. Largely because no one outranks, because if something doesn't leave your mind that much it has to have merit, but the most (I imagine) is just as it is.

Largest rodent in the world. I want it.

It was a good day, up to the end where all visible lines smeared. "Why can't life be easy?" Free will and luck. Yet even I could say that's a pretty crap-ass answer. There is an afterlife, there is an afterlife, there is an afterlife.... (that's my brand of humor, btw)

I had a ton I wanted to say in this entry and now I can't think of anything. Oh well.

You know, I honestly think Tommy is very smart and incredibly insightful. But he makes so many rash and not smart decisions way too often. Gotta love the kid anyway, though.

I was talking to this pretty cool today when I went to see my friend. We were discussing parenting (which was actually intensely amusing) and she mentioned that she wouldn't be ready because it means living for someone else and not just yourself, something she was not at all ready for yet. And I responded, "Well, yes, but aren't you already living for others?" And I already knew the distinction before saying it, though. It's your viewpoint on life - are you thinking about how you ought to be justly treated or are you thinking how you should justly act towards each person? I wouldn't be ready for a kid at this point - it's physically impossible to keep after the child when I'm struggling to take after myself at the moment.

I attended Mass today because Father Caster will be gone tomorrow. And the times for St. Patrick's are far too early for me to even hope to wake up on time Sunday. It was really nice. I was watching the alter servers, because (having done it for God knows how many years and having had to often be the one to instruct the younger kids on how to do it (more than often my brother and sister)) I like to see how they do, whether they seem to be enjoying the job. It's honestly one of the only things I can really say my mother did right, making me join alter serving. I love it. It has something to do with the Catholic church as well but when you're walking down that aisle it just becomes you're in control. One of those few places where, yeah, there're probably a ton of eyes on me and yet I'm in my own place, just feeling in myself, "I'm home."

You're lucky, Tommy. You know what you want, clearly - even know how to go about it, relatively.

Dark weekends in the sun
     out on Chelsea rode
Descending the stairs
     Ah, Frankie, my world
Check your makeup in the mirror
     C'mon, babe, let's go
We'll dance 'round this dirty town
     'til the night is all done

Let all the finer things sleep alone tonight
Let all the minor kings lose their thrones tonight
Don't worry 'bout us baby,
     we'll be alright...
-Bruce Springsteen

I'll have to show you Gurnee sometimes. Gages Lake, the Woodland schools, Grays Lake - Hell, even Warren Township. Oh, and library. Geez, that library could be a bibliophile's dream (alright, maybe it's just satisfactory, but I'm nostalgic at the moment...).

I don't exactly know why but it was always like even the most frequented of places had so much nature maintained. There're just fields next to that library. And the park, next to the youth center, was always fun to just bike ride out to. There's trails and trails of confusing and unknown neighborhoods to ride through. Occasionally you'd get to just a pile of dirt to ride all over from some construction. Or you'd just get to a nature preserve, tranquil and quiet. And the Gurnee mall, of course. Not nearly as utterly satisfying to trail around all day with a friend in as the mall in Evanston (I've gotta take you there someday as well. Northwestern, the park, just the neighborhoods...).

I dunno. There was something about Gurnee that was just capturing. A peace that only nature could give you yet is unending in its empty parking lots and empty buildings. Just gotta see it.

You were in a dream of mine, Lizzie. I can't remember the whole of it anymore (which irritates me to no end) but, of course, I waited until several days after the fact to post it; plus, I couldn't remember it in entirety the same day either....

In any case, I'm on some train. I don't know why; all I know is that I am. It's going away from home, or maybe just a departure from (for we return at the end). In any case, you show up on the train after it's been traveling for a while. I find out you just left home (or whatever you were supposed to do for the day) and caught this train to spend the day with me (I've just realized this train is long - imagine the Hogwarts Express but like a Metra train - and we're the only ones of it; the logic of dreams, I suppose).

We spend most of the day traveling. I think the train took us to different places and (in theory) we visited said places, but my recollection is only of us directly inside the train. I do remember the conductor shows up at one point. We're sitting around in the same room as he's driving. For the life of me, I can't remember what the conductor says but he insults you at some point. I immediately respond, "Not in the the least" very tersely (or something along those lines). I believe you say something afterwards, but I can't remember (are you noticed a theme so far?). Perhaps to diffuse the situation - perhaps to tell the conductor off further.

In any case, in the end, we've got to go home. I think my parents pick me up (ugh, how fitting...) while we leave you at a pick up location for your parents to pick you up. We say some goodbyes (which, of course, I cannot remember). Then, dream ends.

Well, it had seemed you really wanted that rant. So I was going to give a short one (it has been ages since I've given a full fight-the-world one (my longest subscribers (who still happen to read this) would remember those (would that be Erin or Lizzie, at this point?))). But I've decided elsewise.

"You read it."

Well, it's been roughly 5 months that I've been single now. My younger self would never believe it possible, but I don't think I've done that since before Freshman year. Actually, I think the most time would probably be 3 months, generally (quite often), 2. And I didn't even start the interest for more than half the girls I've dated. I'll never understand why anyone would meet me and suddenly take interest in me. Yet that's happened...and yes, they generally end out bad (though who am I kidding, nearly all of my relationships end out bad).

So, to remember this depressing dry spell (honestly, when I try not to date, someone comes along; when I could care less, no one sticks out (or stays in contact with me long enough!)) - I'm gonna do a survey. I have never realized how hard these are to find without stealing from a friend. For once, a search engine failed me.

Quick note before, though - Dr. Rick Carter does have an emoticon - D. See the mustache?? This is officially the only one I will ever use.

::FIRST, A LITTLE ABOUT YOURSELF::
Name - PBJ

Gender - gender's perfomative, but socially accepted as male

Age - 18

Birthday - Nov. 22nd

Sign - no clue

Sexual orientation - bisexual

Height - 5'6"

Weight - 156, last I checked. probably has went up since then

Body Type - Umm?

Ethnic Background - Haitian, German, French, Spanish, Scottish, English, Polish
Languages you speak - English, bit of spanish (though I can read it far better than I can write or speak it). My own languages are still taking some time to learn

Religious persuasion - what is that even? Um, Catholic, if I'm guessing right the question

Relationship Status - single, hence why I'm filling you out

If single, are you looking? Or do you not care? What's the dealio? - it's complicated

::OPPOSITE SEX PHYSICAL PREFERENCES:: - you ask orientation, then limit this to the opp. gender??
Hair color - no preference

Hair Style - actually wouldn't care. just about anything has looked fine (then again, I'm not exactly picky). though pigtails have always reminded me of porn; and I've just shattered the hearts of many little children. sorry

Eye Color - doesn't matter. red eyes are cool, though. of course, that also means you have to be albino, but it's a perk, if you ask me

Skin Tone - don't care

Ethnic Background - could care less

Height - doesn't really matter; I've dated girls taller than me, though it seems the shorter one's are always the ones to pursue (with the exception of curly)

Weight - just how shallow do you think I am?

Body Type - beauty is a false face

Fashion Style - generally plain. I'm dreadfully boring, I know, but I think the most attractive outfit is a hoodie and jeans. while I've never dated anyone who needed to constantly wear dresses or anything, wild out there styles are fine as well. it's a good reflection of the personality

Subculture (if you had to choose) - goth, hands down. gothic chicks rule

Do any of these preferences usually apply? not really. they're all very surface level. and not every girl out there is gothic, so that ruins that

::WHAT YOU LOOK FOR PHYSICALLY IN THE OPPOSITE SEX::
Favorite body part to touch? - at the point of a relationship before marriage, hand or back (when holding the individual). I don't have wondering hands, the other does generally (*cough*Emma*cough*)

Favorite body part to look at? - BOOBS. definitely. in fact, if I'm talking to you and you're a girl, I'm probably not even paying attention; just staring at the twins (that was sarcasm, if you couldn't catch it)

Any physical characteristics you find most attractive? - I have this odd thing with hands. and a smile can be a killer. But the hand thing is still superficial and a smile lies a little more on personality.

Any physical characteristics you find unattractive? - not really. people are wonderful, all in all

Are there any accents you like? Dislike? - no, I wouldn't say so, though I'd most prefer a Chicago accent. I like ours the best, I found, when once comparing

Do you like it when they wear nail polish? - no

Do you like it when they wear make up of any kind? - definitely not. people look best naturally; make up does nothing, if you ask me

How do you like them to carry themselves? - however they damn well please

Any mannerism you find attractive or unattractive? - non that I can think of at the moment

::NON-PHYSICAL PREFERENCES:: - finally!
Personality traits you find attractive - gotta have a sense of humor. outgoing can be good, sometimes, but so can being shy and quiet. I confess I'm first pulled to shy people. is intelligence a personality trait? it does influence how someone is a lot. that's deathly important. gotta be smart (as I massacre this with awful grammar). attentive. I like attention - I admit.

Personality traits you find unattractive - lying, rude, back-stabber, hypocritical, ignorant, stubborn, high matenance, uncompromising, ignores, avoids, self-righteous, pretentious, uncaring, vain, self-centered

How important are morals to you? - quite, though that can boil down to care about others. you hurt someone (and don't care), forget me giving you the time of day

Do political views affect how you see them? - not really, considering more than half the girls I've dated were conservative (I'm a liberal bisexual - why were they interested again? Okay, technically Lindsay didn't know beforehand...). your views, in general, will affect me, but unless you're a psycho variety from either the liberal (you know, advocate for repeal of age consent laws or some shit like that) or conservative (think you're a prophet, want to make gays second class citizens, want to conserve old laws like seperate but equal, shit like that) side, we ought to be fine. Honestly, an intelligent and well-leveled conservative will disagree with me most on economic issues - and if we can't talk civilly about that, we may need to worry about our relationship moreso than our politics. Politics is mostly dumb culture war and that's all people know of it - there's really no actual reason to fight

Do you like it or dislike it when they curse frequently? - cursing reminds me that you can still think and don't allow society's views affect your judgement in life. while I will need you to realize saying, "Fuck," around a five-year-old is unacceptable, words are words and should be treated as such

Do they have to share your religious views to be compatible with you? - not at all, though every single one so far has, oddly enough (or relatively enough, at least). Though I might find some qualm if you're a Calvinist. just maybe

[This -or- That]
Good girl/boy -or- Bad girl/boy? - can I pick moderate?

Rocker -or- Hip Hopper? - I'd love someone who's into hip hop, just because I find so little, but I love rock with a passion as well, so that's fine. however, if they're into rock, they better be cool with metal. the only metal I can excuse would be death metal (just because you can't understand a word of it anyway and it's way to sporadic)

Dog person -or- Cat person? - either is cool. I love both

Liberal -or- Conservative? - preferably liberal, but economically conservative is fine as well. libertarians rock

Disciplined -or- Free spirited? - mix of both. there's a time for everything

Safe -or- Dangerous? - I value my life (heh, well, usually...)

Completely laid back and calm -or- Hyper and flamboyant? - oy. I do have a history of hyper ex's. though I suppose I'd need both. I opperate in extremes, which means either insanely out there (and taking nothing I say seriously) to quite serious, sober, and melancholy. eh, 'tis me

Virgin -or- Experienced? - I really wouldn't care how many they've had sex with in the past, but they'd have to understand I plan on staying a virgin until marriage. however, if they are quite experienced, getting tested may be required

Rational -or- Emotional? - rational, please

Very shy -or- Very outgoing? - answered above

Introverted -or- Extroverted? - introverted in that they ought to be reflective. people are the most complex of things - know yourself. extroverted in that I hate being shut out. keep in connection with me, let me in. I don't want to feel like I'm up against this wall peering through a hole

A creature of habit -or- Unpredictable? - probably habit. it would depend, I suppose.

A hopless romantic -or- A horndog? - what the Hell's a horndog? romantic, please. otherwise it'll be weird when I'm rediculous with the gifts and whatnot... D

Simple and boring -or- Complicated yet intriguing? - isn't that phrased a bit biasedly? complicated. I need someone complex

Innocent and naive -or- Wise and knowledgable? - they ought to be knowledgable in what they know. Know lots and tons. Knowledge has never hurt anyone - only the lack of it has. however, they should probably be innocent and naïve in what they've done in their life

Hot -or- Cute? - cute. based more on personality

Ugly and totally compatible -or- Gorgeous and completely obnoxious? - Can I get an Ugly for a Success Relationship?

Proper and polite -or- Rough around the edges? - depends. Fighting Sorina over the cheesecake and stuffing our faces was total fun and definitely a turn on on her part, even though it was totally not etiquette. however, you've gotta be polite to people and give them curtiosy.

Intense and passionate -or- Sweet and reserved? - um, geez, gotta be passionate somewhere, I guess. the intense though is a little frightening, while the sweet definitely catches the eye. Sweet and passionate?

Outspoken and highly opinionated -or- Happy-go-lucky pacifist? - I guess the first one

Smooth and sexy -or- Adorable and awkward? - adorable and awkward. awkward girls are so cute, plus they make you feel more comfortable about being yourself around them. and it's different because usually people say be normal, you'll fit in, etc. So it's like defying the status quo by being yourself

::YOUR VIEWS ON DATING/RELATIONSHIPS::
What is dating by your defintion? - a mutual agreement of entering a relationship higher than friendship by two (or I guess more, for those "breaking boundaries" types) people

What is a relationship by your defintion? - I dunno. a statement that defines a connection between two people. acquantances, friends, family, partners, even fuck buddies - all relationships

Can you date more than one person at a time? - others may choose to. me, I'm monogamous and will expect from the gf/bf the same as well

Can you have a relationship with more than one person at a time? - according to my definition, we all are

What constitutes cheating? - while I don't approve of looking at (or checking out) other people during a relationship, I suppose I still wouldn't consider it cheating. however, flirting, making out, starting another relationship at the same time - all no

Is cheating ever justifiable? - not really. I probably won't hate you forever, so long as you apoligize. but it might be harder to trust you

Would you get back with someone who cheated on you? - depends. see above

Would you expect to be taken back if you cheated on someone? - not at all

Kissing on the first date: Acceptable? - considering I kissed both Allison and Emma before the first date, I'd say so. not to mention, I kissed Chelsea before we even started dating

How about sex on the first date? - if you want to go home and masterbate to the wonderful memories I've given you that night, go right ahead. But abstinance for me (I think that's the first funny thing I've said this whole thing. what a shame)

One night stands? - HA (and no, that doesn't stand for Acid)

Sex outside of marriage in general: Acceptable or Not? - again, don't care about your past. but during the relationship, nope

Would you sleep with a gf/bf? - you haven't gotten this one yet, have you?

Would you sleep with just a friend? - no. that'd make things so awkward, because, as much as sex is utterly unrelated to love, people still put attachment to it (we have society to blame for that)

Would you kiss just a friend? - it wouldn't mean anything if I did, but no. I have not had problems with other friends kissing me, though (however, if you do it on the lips, I'm gonna have to wonder if you're coming on to me)

Would you do anything sexual at all with just a friend? - wasn't this asked before? well, if you consider making out sexual, then I guess yes, but that probably means I like them and want to go out with them (you'd think that'd be obvious)

What are your sexual boundaries? - nothing past first base

What do you consider a perfect first date? - I dunno. the date has to be there. but otherwise, we could do just about anything, I'd be fine. movie, walk. I still have yet to do that cook something together idea, so that'd probably be the next date I do with someone

What could your crush/bf/gf do to make you jealous? - heh, not much, probably. I actually get jealous really easily, but usually over small rediculous things. and I know they're rediculous. but yeah, just me

Guys: Would you always call her first? - eh. heh, any of my ex's can attest I don't make the first move often, unless I know by some means I can and things won't get weird or you won't mind it. but I generally suck at keeping up conversations, unless in person (and even then sometimes...), so better be ready to talk a lot. with Lindsay and jess, I'd just listen to them talk to themselves; I'm not at all hard to please, clearly. okay, maybe a bit

Girls: Would you get upset if he rarely/never called? - This and the last question are so sexist

What could a gf/bf do to make you feel insecure about your relationship? - avoid me, be unresponsive to stuff I do (like, I make a joke and you look like you weren't even paying attention; I do hope I'm not that boring). but I panik over little things too (granted, largely because my 1st to 5th gfs thought it wise, for whatever reason, to dance around anything rather than be straightforward with it. missed a date? break up's on the way)

Would you let your bf/gf be as free as they wanted to be? - what does that mean?

What would you do if you became/got your gf pregnant? - wouldn't ever happen

Relationships are 50/50: True or False? - absolutely

Once a cheater always a cheater: True or False? - naw

How do you know you like someone? - I dunno, you just know. generally you can't stop thinking about them, a lot. and you kinda jump when you hear their name (or think you do) or see them or their screen name comes up (sounds corny, but, hey, we really do live in the online age)

How do you know you LOVE someone? - geez...you just know, really. I mean, I only have one example, and I dunno. I just knew with her. with jess - I dunno. just knew

What is romantic love by your definition? - um...I dunno. romance. I dunno

Do you like people easily? - like? if crush qualifies, yes. if like as in long period of time, I'd say no, I guess. moderate there

Do you fall in love easily? - HA. I'm much too picky

How do you know your feelings are no longer there? - there's just nothing. you don't feel like seeing them, don't get excited anymore. it's a depressing point. stop making me think of it

What's the hardest part about a break up? - the other person's reactions. granted, the two times I've had to do it (heh, yes, I suck that much at dating), they were both kinda rediculous and the situations they were in just made me feel like an ass

Do you stop liking/fall out of love easily? - liking, as in crushes, yes. long term liking, not so much. depends on the person, really

Is there a difference between liking and crushing on someone? - yes. crush is kinda, "They might be interesting. I like the personality so far". Liking can consist of crushing but also you know them better and want to go out with them more strongly (or are just flat out interested in them)

How do you differenciate between liking and crushing? - see above

::CURRENTLY::
Like someone? - it's complicated

Crushing on someone? - not at the moment. there were some brief ones at the begining of the year

In love with someone? - not anymore. heh, feels so long ago

Dating around? - psh, I wish

Looking for someone? - it's fucking complicated

How relevant dating/relationships are to your life right now: ehh

And that took me an hour. Wow. D (okay, I just wanted to use it once more)

 

I once stated on here that race relations in America were heading towards a train crash that most seemed to be conveniently oblivious to (with no further explanation of what I meant, of course). Well, maybe a train crash was a bit dramatic, but that they are confused and screwed up, I would certainly be willing to argue.

 

The first thought you would probably have is that I’m talking about racism (and, if that is the case – in our American minds, white on black racism). However, I am not. Where to start?

 

Simplistically, I am of darker skin. On a more complex level, I would be labeled half black and half white. Truly, I am multiracial. My mother was born and raised in Haiti. Her grandmother was from the lighter side of the country, her French heritage clear upon her. My grandfather was from the darker side, a mix of Haitian and Spaniard. My father is European, for the most part – his lines run from England to Poland to Scotland to Germany.

 

But if you were to talk to anyone, they would generally call me black. I am reminded of the time in elementary school that my mother made a fuss over what race the school marked me down as; the secretary wanted to simply check African-American and be done with it; my mother insisted that’s not what I was.

 

Yet in America, it doesn’t matter whether you’re really from Nigeria rather than born and bred here. No, it won’t always even matter if you happen to be Japanese instead. You’re not white – racism will follow you. In that sense, I am black. People will see me as that and I shall be treated accordingly. I have no qualms with this. I understand it and take it. My skin is dark.

 

Even still, I have never understood most demonstrations and protests in justification of being black. I have studied and followed the history in America, yes – I know well slavery, done projects on it; one of my favorite time periods is the black civil rights movement; one of my favorite speeches is I Have a Dream. I’ve been subject to racism (though I doubt no one hasn’t been or isn’t well aware of it). Even before I faced it, a favorite movie in my household is Roots. I knew of racism since I was born.

 

There was a problem, though. I’m middle class. The majority I’ve always known is white because that was what my classmates were for the most part. In fact, as I got older, the less racism I faced and the more my skin became an irrelevancy. I know better, so I’ve often wondered in awe how you could view someone who was different as the same as you so easily – my greatest acceptance (when it came to my skin) was from the majority. Other races for me were the many types of Asian. And while I have a deep love for rap, I’m a complete metal head, while my all time favorite artist happens to be Bruce Springsteen (taken from my dad, I admit). It was a white rapper who interested me in genre first, and Big Pun made me realize that my own windings among rhyme and alliteration were hardly anything in comparison. I consider myself a video game nerd. Some of my closest friends were the techies working backstage at the concerts (I have since become one since applying for a job in college, I am happy to report). My list of girlfriends has been Caucasian (if only for the reason I had little other choice, given my raising). And I have a fierce love for the gothic subculture; I remember listening to a spoken word poet listing the ways the majority stays complacent, shutting out the problems of the world; she lists the indignity of Columbine being placed on rap and video games; and then she cries, “Go back to your ‘goth’,” and I wanted to shout objection; did you forget they targeted us after Columbine just as much as the previous two?

 

So am I any less black? Will I be viewed and judged differently? In the days leading up to the primaries for the Democratic Party, some of the “black leaders” said that Obama didn’t share with other blacks in America that history of slavery and was, therefore, different from them.

 

One of my “brothers” happens to be a Jew. Of my “sisters”, one happens to be blue-eyed and the other a mixed Hispanic.

 

I don’t know (nor understand) a “black” culture. I don’t understand what the green, black, and red colors of an African continent does for an American like myself, nor would I suppose it make much sense, if I considered my own heritage.

 

So you’re probably thinking – are you criticizing black people? Is this some type of perverse racism and you feel the need to separate yourself from black people? Are you really this bored?

 

America is characterized as a people of no color. In my mind, that has always meant that we were a people despite our differences. As I viewed the statue of Thomas Jefferson in Washington, I stood in the shadow of a man who shaped our nation – of which I was just as much a part of. This man may have not been Haitian, but he was certainly me. With every word of the Declaration of Independence, he was crafting my beliefs and my future.

 

I may not have ancestors who suffered the pains of slavery in America, yet I view with pride the abolitionists who spoke out against it and the slaves who wove their own culture into the American fabric.

 

I am a child of Western thought. The Greeks laid out the idea of a free government and the Romans crafted a form of what would be our own, someday. To those minds I owe and I make no mistake of it.

 

I did not find alienation in the women’s civil rights movement and I use the words of Jane Addams and Sojourner Truth often enough.

 

I wasn’t hosed down during the 60s, but it is one of my favorite times to study. It was those people who paved the way to the acceptance I receive today. It was a moment when we said, “We might have inherited many problems, but at no point can we not overcome them.”

 

When I think of America, the words, “Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand/A mighty woman with a torch…/‘Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!’ cries she/With silent lips. ‘Give me your tired, your poor,/Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,/The wretched refuse of your teeming shore./Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,/I lift my lamp beside the golden door!’” grace upon my lips, heaving with the spirit that must have infected the many who came to our land.

 

The Grapes of Wrath, for me, didn’t describe a strange people or a landscape I didn’t know. I read with dislike the internment of Americans with Japanese ancestry. I rejoiced at the discovery of Stonewall. I sat with solemn acknowledgement at what the two Marches on Washington (1963 and 1979) meant for us as a nation.

 

In short, every facet of American history defined me. We never got it right everytime – indeed, our grievances are many. But I take pride in what we have done. And I don’t understand why any person would isolate themselves to one position based on their heritage. Perhaps I’ve been too swayed by the words of King, but unification is the only route in my mind. I characterize myself as an American first and foremost.

 

There is no “black” culture but only what of our culture was taken from people of color. I will identify myself as a German (among other things), I eat everyday now with chopsticks (something I always wanted to do since a kid), and I proclaim loudly, “In the future days which we seek to make secure, we look forward to a world founded upon four essential human freedoms. The first is freedom of speech and expression…. The second is freedom of every person to worship God in his own way…. The third is freedom from want…. The fourth is freedom from fear…”, “It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us — that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion…— and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth”, and “Yesterday the greatest question was decided which ever was debated in America; and a greater perhaps never was, nor will be, decided among men. A resolution was passed without one dissenting colony, ‘that these United Colonies are, and of right ought to be, free and independent States.’”

 

And, perhaps, most importantly, I believe deeply in that Latin saying – e pluribus unum.

 

So what am I, America? Should I cling to an identity – whether that be black or Haitian or German or male – and define myself by it, letting no others share it?

 

What am I, America? Should I find connection in only those like myself? Should I see my history only from those eyes?

 

What am I, America?

 

I thought I was American.

Yes!!! Yes, finally! I have beat my custom Minesweeper game - 24 by 30 boxes and 150 bombs. Many days and much procrastination and frustration after I originally constructed the board, I have beat it. View it:

 

This is definite qualification that I rule at life, I would say.

I suppose this is a long-delayed response to another entry, in a way. They're a frequent reader (heh, of my, like, three). I've been thinking of parenting often, for some odd reason. Various things in relation to it, but part of it was what we, as parents, will have to tell our children or may pass to our children. I think every parent fears that, to an extent. And all I can think of is being utterly sure that things will be fine. I've noticed lately I seem to be attracted most to people who have or have had history with depression - think the product won't have it? Have to explain the complex family situation on my side. That one'll be fun. Yet why should it be impossible? Been there, done that (for some, all too literally). Children are all so accepting, so long as you raise them that way. A child doesn't love because they're instructed, but because it's instictual. What do you tell them? That's just it - you simply tell them. The second you start building those walls, you weaken and ruin any kind of relationship; further, for all marks, there are those who still see you perfectly.

I smile into the rearview mirror instead. Why with such a nice smile are you trying to weep? he asks as we pull up to my building.
-Don't Let Me Be Lonely by Claudia Rankine, pg. 90

So, another installment of the Optimism versus Realism debate. I'm starting to see how necessary Optimism really is. Realism has had most of the spotlight, really. Yet for all his show, he may come off more as cynisism. This is not the case, though. He can have a cynical nature, always reminding the downside of life. But that's because he sees all sides. He sees what is and states it. It is what it is; it is realistic. I saw somewhere that a cynic, when he/she smells flowers, asks where the funeral is. The Realist simply points out that there could be a funeral. And the Optimist hopes it's two loved ones (not dead, of course). Yet what happens when Optimism is gone? Realism has nothing to fight against. Granted, Realism is the one that sets the stakes, in reality - he's the one that looks and life and decides what is realistic or not. And, in turn, Optimism looks at what Realism has discovered and says where things could look up and be good. But, for cinematic purposes, see it as Optimism disappearing and Realism finding nothing happy to acknowledge. Everything becomes gloom, then. I need that optimism, those things to look forward to and to strive for. I need to believe there are answers, I suppose. Realism can state; "This is real! This is what is!" But optimism points to the solutions, that things can get better. Maybe I'm just stuck in that Optimism vs. Realism mindset and that things are what they are, simply, is not an applicable idea for me. But I suppose that would then assume that I am not happy with things as they are. To which I wonder why. To which, again, I have no answer. I don't know and that's the most obnoxious part. To not know is to not know how to proceed.

In my dream I apologize to everyone I meet. Instead of introducing myself, I apologize for not knowing why I am alive. I am sorry. I am sorry. I apologize. In real life, oddly enough, when I am fully awake and out and about, if I catch someone's eye, I quickly look away. Perhaps this too is a form of apology. Perhaps this is the form apologies take in real life. In real life the looking away is the apology, despite the fact that when I look away I almost feel guilty; I do not feel as if I have apologized. Instead I feel as if I have created a reason to apologize, I feel the guilt of having ignored that thing - the encounter. I could have nodded, I could have have smiled without showing my teeth. In some small way I could have wordlessly said, I see you seeing me and I apologize for not knowing why I am alive. I am sorry. I am sorry. I apologize. Afterwards, after I have looked away, I never feel as if I can say, Look, look at me again so that I can see you, so that I can acknowledge that I have seen you, so that I can see you and apologize.
-Don't Let Me Be Lonely by Claudia Rankine, pg. 98

I almost want to take a page from your book, Lizzie, and write out all my secrets, for those that I have. But therein lies the problem; I'm not sure I'd know them. I have this nagging feeling in the back of my head that any true ones I do have, I have very good reason for them remaining secrets. Maybe I wouldn't even recognize. What a way to end an entry. A random thought unrelated to the topic (or linked topics) at hand. Oh well.