Here's how it works: when you intrude, usurp my autonomy, or generally assume shit, you exacerbate my anxiety and depression and increase the degree to which I'm suicidal.

As you might imagine, it's a little difficult to operate like that; this means I need to work on bringing those things down. Continuing with your shit just makes that process longer.

if("Silence" in Conversation):

exit(0)

Coping methods really go to shit when people continually interrupt them.

I'd like to think I have a wide taste in music. Since high school, I've generally described my favorite genres as classical, rap, and metal (with, in mind, that metal would include traditional rock'n'roll, though I think my silly high school self tended to incline towards metal over rock with the eternal exception of Bruce Springsteen).

From time to time, I'd throw in something like "and occasionally jazz" or the like; admittedly, this was largely because I hadn't listened to much jazz yet. But I find, as the years go on, (perhaps fueled by fascination with that period from WWI to WWII and the Harlem Renaissance) that it's the blues that I actually grow a deeper and deeper appreciation and taste for. It doesn't help that the genre pretty much birthed all of modern music from then on out, sure, but, at the end of the day, I always find myself coming back to and desiring it. I think, when it comes to music, it may be my great Love.

@XxbutterflyknivesXx

In light of Xanga's end, I came across this crazy blast from the past while sifting through old Xanga stuff: http://www.amazon.com/Xangans-Stories-Greatest-Blogging-Community/dp/1452868603/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1276110578&sr=1-1.

I guess another piece in how important this place was to us.

While thoroughly unrelated to what I'm going to actually announce, I'm going to tell you all anyway because it salved my otherwise shitty night. I was able to get the most updated version of WINE on my Linux distribution (32-bit when I have 64-bit but, still).

WINE 1.4 was not being remotely useful. A lot of Windows applications I wanted to run wouldn't work, including many that had been working previously when I had WINE on Ubuntu. With the most current version now, Photoshop works again (and, it seems, even more stable than before; plus it's much faster than 1.4 was) which is amazing; I was going crazy trying to hack crap together with The Gimp or having to reboot into my Windows each time to use Photoshop. MAGIX Movie Maker is better put together graphically but, surprisingly, is able to load songs now (it wouldn't do this back on Ubuntu; I wonder if it has something to do with a bug being fixed or, somehow, because I'm running Debian); once again, this makes not having to run back into Windows to do things much better. And, most importantly, The Incredible Machine: Contraptions works once again!

Bioshock, still, works perfectly until the main menu, during which it displays everything but the menu options. And Super Meat Boy only half works, with most of the visuals being static-y garbage. Of course, Bioshock barely worked on Windows and I haven't tried Super Meat Boy there yet so I'm not really complaining.

It's so much faster and more stable (and works more often) than before. My computer is finally feeling usable and functional again.

Alright, now to my real announcement. I've decided as to where I'm moving myself.

I had a strong feeling Tumblr would win out and it has (my username wasn't even taken so you can find me at thirst2.tumblr.com). Most importantly, Tumblr has a real sense of community and I need that after coming from Xanga. For some of the smaller, slower places that people have pointed over the past month, it's undeniable that community could be formed over time (I sometimes wonder, were I to be introduced to Xanga for the first time now, would I be pulled in or find no appeal? Of course, at the time of finding Xanga, I was looking for someplace to hide and not necessarily for community). But Tumblr is just so much more greatly put together. Everywhere else seems like whoever put it together didn't have any remote graphic design (or simply design) sense (which, to be fair, Xanga didn't quite either at the beginning but no where near as bad), with slight exception to LiveJournal. But if they pass that first test, they fail in terms of customability.

Which speaking of, I thought Xanga had a ton? Tumblr literally let's you craft the HTML yourself while using widgets (for posts, comments, etc.). If I really wanted to, I could probably just make a website there without using any of the Tumblr widgets (though I wouldn't be able to host any files, admittedly). I kind of can't see any reason why someone wouldn't be able to launch the same sort of JavaScript attack that got Xanga in trouble from Tumblr, really.

Which brings us to the last criterion that it needs to fill in trying to imitate Xanga: privacy. This one was my big worry and I figured Tumblr was going to fail hard. Privacy hasn't been so much of an issue for me (protected posting is nice but not necessary and Tumblr has a private post option like most blogging places) but I know plenty here who very much care about privacy.

First and foremost, Tumblr does allow you to declare your blog private. What happens is you give it a password and anyone who visits has to input that password. Thus, you could give out the password to those you want to read your site and they could then be the only ones to view it. It's not as elegant as Xanga's system of having the web browser handle whether or not you can view a site but it's better than nothing. Plus you can't have your main blog as private so you have to create a second one under your account to do that.

Another option is to simply not display any HTML. The drawback is that anyone following you would be only able to catch your updates as they came up on zir dashboard. It's not very organized though only a problem if you desire to allow your followers to read your old posts again (I like to allow that, myself). While your followers can read your updates in their dashboard, nothing shows up at your site ([your username].tumblr.com) because it is devoid of any HTML and thus doesn't display anything.

Something a little more elegant that I like is the ability to set the tags of a post to the class of the HTML tag which you can then do what you want with CSS. For example, you could say that for every class (/tag) called "private", display:none; the post (this doesn't work for Google Chrome and I'm trying to find a fix). This means that anyone who visits your site can't see the posts tagged with "private" but your followers can view the posts in their dashboard. If you tell them the name of the special tag, they can even search for that tag in their dashboard and see the posts you want only them to see. It essentially mimics Private Posting.

The flaw in this is that anyone can follow your Tumblr, regardless of whether you want them to or not. I suppose you could block every use who follows you if you don't know who they are but that seem not very friendly. Another option is to tag each post with the special tag. Therefore, your Tumblr looks absolutely blank to the public while your follows can still fetch all of your posts by searching for the special tag.

In any case, it all underscores the fact that there really isn't anything that can replace Xanga. This is just the best one.

I know a lot of you were considering LiveJournal. It's my third choice so I'll migrate there as well if a bunch of you head there and can't bear to be on Tumblr. There are people here who shaped me in ways I wasn't expecting and I hope to not lose touch with everyone.

It's been an experience with you all.

We went to see a parade in Barrington today for the 4^th. This already feels like it's going to sound like a play-by-play and disjointed but oh well.

Towards the end, there was this girl handing out BBQ pulled-pork (I think? Can't remember) samples for a restaurant in the downtown. It was pretty good so, for lunch, we all decided to go down there.

I still don't remember if I was simply caught off guard (we happened to notice the girl who gave us the samples behind the counter when we arrived) or if there really was just something there but I was rather thoroughly struck by…I dunno, how open and friendly the other girl behind the counter seemed.

I don't know whether I've necessarily ever discussed here (or anywhere, for that matter) why I always keep such a buoyant outward mood to the point of (I feel like it sometimes becomes) being exaggerative (I was going to also say hyperbolic but I think, given the definition of hyperbole, I would actually be okay with it being hyperbolic; it fits the bill). Yes, sure, there's the old I-have-depression-and-don't-want-to-drag-you-down-with-me but you don't have to even necessarily be outwardly happy to do that. Being anti-social and not talking to people could accomplish that one.

It's that, one, I legitimately just want to get along with everyone and like being nice to people. I know it doesn't fit the motif of being mysterious or withdrawn or stoic for masculinity but I just feel happier being open with people. I want to be friendly.

But it's also that people just seem to tend to be…unfriendly. And for seemingly no good damn reason. My brother and I were discussing race and I mentioned that, up North, I really don't seem to find that awkwardness that I've heard other people mention. He responded that he feels that all the time. Now, this is the kid who has diamond earrings and had an afro that is now dreadlocks; he's not exactly ducking into traditional white social mores in regards to his appearance. And I'm not saying that getting poor responses to his physical dress is not a problem; far be it for me to ever do that. Nor am I saying that the North is devoid of racism (one of the points of credit that the movie Premium Rush – about bike messengers in NYC – received was that it was one of the few Hollywood movies to depict the racial diversity of NYC more accurately to what NYC is actually like; to be fair, you'd never be able to levy such a complaint, ever, about Chicago and there's no way that that's an accident). And it's not like there weren't people in high school who found fit to define me by my race first (generally joking and friends I was close with so I generally didn't mind but, still, there was a slight trend which just highlighted further the fact that I probably knew a grand total of five other black students only once I got to my Senior year). And, certainly, being followed around in a convenience store is not the same as the number of racial jokes rising the moment I enter the group which is also not the same as people giving my brother dirty stares because of his hair style (which may just be because they're unfamiliar with the hair style and find it unkempt, etc.); those are all very different, complex situations.

But I find, even for generally straight-laced me, that people are continually just bizarrely rude. Or awkward (without, to me, reason to be but I can make a pretty mean awkward situation in my own right so I probably shouldn't hold anyone to task for that one). Despite my being overly friendly, people don't precipitate. And maybe it is a race thing; I dunno, maybe my brother's right. Regardless, people aren't friendly because they're generally stupid and so I just smile and be friendly and ask questions or make jokes and I don't give a damn whether you laugh or respond or shit.

But it also means I'm all the more happy and thankful when I find someone who actively tries to be friendly to others as well. I like friendliness. It's in low supply and helps the world go round.

In any case, my brother and I have gotten into the habit of, after running into a girl somewhere, questioning whether she was actively flirting with either of us. I think it's partially from irony given the fact that I generally assume not and tend to be the shy one of the group (the conversation usually goes with me saying, "Naw…" while my brother, and maybe a third party, going, "Ohh, yeah, it was definitely obvious!") but also just to be ridiculous. After all, friendliness certainly does not necessarily flirtation mean.

You can imagine how the conversation throughout lunch might go. This isn't helped by the fact that the girl stops over at our table to pet my sister's dog (though, to be fair, the girl came back later to ask if she could take a picture of Shiver to show her mom since she used to have a dog of the exact same breed; I may be bad at flirting but I'm pretty sure you use the dog to start the conversation and then direct your attention to whomever you're interested in flirting with).

Of course, my mother doesn't seem to exist for any other reason than to try to play matchmaker for all her children at every second of every day. And, being my mother, the reason she uses is that "She's pretty."

I actually would have said gorgeous but that's neither here nor there (I almost want to describe her but I can't really without beginning to strongly feel like I'm objectifying so I won't; the point for doing so is that, while not greatly, I think she fell outside, somewhat, "mainstream" beauty standards. Part of my own drawing, I imagine, and also why my mother described her as pretty while I'm using much stronger language).

But as I'm mulling these thoughts over…what real defense do I have to ask this girl out? I mean, I'm in an unfortunate place emotionally while trying to get my life together. I'm still not done with my hermit-ing to heal myself for the future that may lose me near to all my friends come the end (there's only so long any person should have to endure the isolation of another). That's not a wise position to start anything with anyone, really.

But, even beyond that…she seems really friendly and she likes dogs (something which is very wonderful in any person; pets can potentially tell you quite a bit about a person). And that's it. Well, she also works at this restaurant which potentially looks family owned. Which is interesting but doesn't necessarily mean anything. And when you compare that to the many more things that entail any form of a relationship, those few things are downright minimal. Certainly nothing that can justifying trying to start a relationship given the position I'm in with my life.

And, most of the time I was there, I found myself drawn to her…but on what basis? Even I couldn't really answer you that beyond that I found her pretty. And while I've played with the notion of how people look playing into who they are as a person, I more often find that that area is so phenomenally complex that you generally can't glean anything from there without knowing more about the person to start connecting dots (if physical appearance beyond how a person dresses/styles themselves can tell you anything at all). Even I tried, all I could really boil it down to is a hunch: she seemed interesting. Maybe she would be; I wouldn't know.

But it just overwhelmingly confronted me with the fact that, as a system, physical attractiveness still completely and utterly eludes any logical attempts to justify itself. Certainly to fit into just about any merit-based system that we, as humans, have ever devised (which, really, are just about the only systems I'm interested in using).

I think that I can honestly say that this, more than anything, is what makes me question the notion of a God that created an ordered and logical universe. The more I think about it, the more that it being just a byproduct of evolution and pure chance that worked seems to be the only answer that rightly explains its existence.

I had forgotten why I wore my iPod nearly everywhere throughout all of high school: it's a phenomenal mood stabilizer.

So, in light of my GRE tomorrow (and the likely mediocre score I will achieve) and my fast approaching leave from Xanga, let's celebrate with one of those User Questionnaire type things (because I always liked the idea of them and really haven't ever done anything like them here and I'm feeling indulgent).

SO

Ask me anything; nothing is off topic and I shall respond entirely sincerely and truthfully. Yaayyyyy.

We went to the Pride Festival in Chicago today. I would have preferred to go to the parade but my sister's going down to Northwestern for a summer program on the same day so we couldn't. And she's never been to a pride event so, of course, I wasn't going to be having any of that (for the record, she wanted to go; I was just more than happy to aid).

On the way back, I happened to see Ariel in Union Station; I'll come back to this.

About a week or so ago, I happened to run into Joan. There's a principle difference between Joan and Ariel in relation to me, simply by virtue of history. I met Ariel when she was doing Operation Obvious (a campaign to recognize the LGBT movement as the next civil rights movement of our time). She eventually joined The Wit (the high school's literary magazine), which I was also on. I believe she was two years under me and joined The Wit her Sophomore year so, clearly, our interaction was not extensive. That being said, she's a fantastically nice person and someone who I have to admire for the conviction of her beliefs and willingness to pursue them.

Joan, on the other hand, I met through Shane. I haven't really kept in touch with Shane but I took to Joan. I suppose that it always struck me as odd because she was a Freshman during my Senior and I didn't get to know many (a year simply isn't much time, etc.). Perhaps in part because her friends and my friends tended to overlap, I spent a decent amount of time hanging out with Joan my last year of high school and I'm really rather fond of her.

I ran into Joan at a restaurant the family and I were going to. I sort of was walking past – thinking to myself, "Does that girl look familiar?" – and did a double take when I realized it was Joan. She was with someone and I was with the family so there really wasn't much room for catching up. I really should send her a message sometime, in spite of my recent reclusiveness. I know it's not very likely to blossom into a lifelong best friendship or even go far beyond that message (largely my own invertedness and social awkwardness to blame) but I'll probably do it because it's important to let people know they're valued. Even if my close ring of five or less best friends is my constant in life, that certainly doesn't mean those friends I'm less close with aren't very important to me.

In any case, I mention this because, when I saw Ariel today, I was struck by this very particular feeling/thought. The reason I bring up Joan (other than to mention that I was really glad to see her; it's been an…odd year) is that I didn't have the same reaction. I was glad to see Joan but seeing Ariel was markedly different.

While I would certainly like to know Ariel better, I think a good description of us would be acquaintances (which is not something trivial to me, as I've covered before here). But I would certainly describe Joan and I as friends; so, if that was what triggered the reaction, it would have occurred with seeing Joan as well.

While we were at the pride festival, I remember just feeling…comfortable. Safe. It was particularly interesting since my dad was there but maybe it just added to that feeling that I was entering a different community. Memories of the QSU kept coming to me. A girl that "looked like" a lesbian handed me a flyer on becoming a vegan. The guys behind the bar were down to just their underwear. a drag performer was performing on one of the stages. And I'm not trying to say that these groups are in some way fixed (there were women down to just their underwear there as well) but there was familiarity there. And, for whatever flaws I've found or find in my Queer community (whether they're correct or not), I felt safe. Certainly welcomed but also safe. In some ways, it was better than the parade. Sure, there were commercial vendors here as well but, outside of the food, there were causes that directly related to our community here and people who cared about them (and about us) behind those booths and fighting for them.

While I don't quite understand it in total, it would seem that community is actually really important to me, verging on dependent to my well being. While, particularly in relation to discussing and making sense of mental illness, I've become more and more of a fan of the idea of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs as time goes on, my own social interactions seem to follow a similar trend. When I'm not doing well, I rescind into myself, hard. Only those who are closest to me do I let in, at times only keeping in touch sparing (sometimes cutting off even them). When I feel more comfortable, I'm far more willing to let others in. But the thing is, a true community doesn't just include your closest friends. It includes your friends and it includes your acquaintances.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm always very happy to see those acquaintances very much. And it's not just that I like people: people in general take importance for me and even those who I don't spend much time with are important to me. Ariel is someone I think highly of and there will always be the fact that I met her through The Wit, a group that was very important to me. I'm not going to have the same reaction seeing her as I might if I saw Laila unexpectedly but she's important to me. I feel like I'm repeating myself but I like to be thorough.

My point I am slowly hinting towards is that my reaction, upon seeing Ariel, was a sense of community. I guess I used to wonder, back in high school when – wading through the masses of 5,000 students – we would often stop a million times in the halls saying hello enough times that we barely got through a conversation with the person we were walking with, why we did it. I mean, take Sarah Greenawalt. I always liked Sarah (there was a warmness she always greeted me with which I always appreciated) but our relationship didn't extend beyond a similar friendbase (or at least history) and seeing her in the hall from time to time. I don't see Sarah anymore and am likely not to (wouldn't mind seeing her again one near bit but it's not very likely). So…what was the point (alright, this is a hilarious question because I never think meeting or getting to know any person is ever a waste of time by any measurement; the question doesn't even deserve a response, in my mind; not to mention, like I said, I rather like Sarah as a person)?

I guess it goes without saying that I never really look at anyone I just meet with the expectation of remaining at the level with them forever. With all people, I sincerely want to get to know them better and become best buds with them. But, obviously, that level of friendship doesn't exist with all people at all times. So, while Laila is certainly of more importance to me (I severely don't like the phrasing of that but I'm struggling for a better one) than Sarah, Sarah isn't unimportant (just as I expect I'm "less important" to Sarah in comparison to others Sarah is closer with and has a more extensive history with). Does that make sense?

So, when I saw Ariel today, there was more than just a "Oh! Ariel; I haven't seen her in ages. I should most definitely say hello." moment (this plan went horridly wrong, in the comedic way my life is good for; I spent most of the time in Union station trying to figure out if it was her without being creepy; funnily enough, this usually works just in time in spite of my sluggishness and avoids approaching people that actually just happen to look exceedingly similar to the people I know. This time, though, our train arrived before I said hello. In spite of this, we wound up in the same car anyway. After more trying to make sure it was her – and trying not to look creepy –, I left a comment on her Facebook saying I thought I saw her and wanted to see how she's been. She asks where I am; by the time I respond, she's fallen asleep. And she eventually gets off at her spot. Probably the most successful two hours of my life and best "catching up" scenario I've had).

There was this distinct jolt of community, if that makes sense. And it wasn't just that she was probably in Chicago for the pride festival as well. It was that sense of my home state, the state of my community in high school, where I can still run into a large gamut of people I know. I mean, I didn't get to know Ariel that well in high school (a shame, as I've said, but so ist das leben). And yet, in that same way I'd pass by Sarah in the hall and stop and ask how she's been and what she's up to despite our otherwise limited interaction, I was going (to attempt and fail) to stop by and say hello to Ariel. And it was like, for the first time in a long while, I had a full sense of a community again. Not raggedly thrusting all my weight onto my close friends to pull me forward or silently licking my wounds in the dark and just biding recovery: walking through those halls and having the energy to pay attention to those people who don't loom as large in my life but who are, none the less, very important to me.

I told Antal once that I had realized that I don't seem to fully ingratiate to a community until about four to five years (I think high school was a sped up process, in part thanks to the phenomenal class of '09). I'm not entirely sure what it is; maybe it's just that sense of safety in knowing that I'm amongst people I like and who like me; maybe it's that same connectedness and support I felt walking amongst the pride festival, knowing that – to some degree – we all supported each other and cared about each other even though we didn't really know each other (this actually seems to imply a larger level of separation between myself and Sarah and Ariel than I want to imply but hopefully it gives an idea of what I'm getting at). I don't know.

This isn't a thread that I've made full sense of yet. I don't know what the relevance is of community to me (though I'm fairly certain it has relation to my feelings about people and humanity and my own bizarre need for physicality in spite of my driving tendency to isolate myself; things I shall have to cover at a later time). There's a lot here that I'm not entirely certain about but I've been chewing these ideas and concept for a while. They're coming to slow solidity but they're odd because I'm not used to discovering such fundamental aspects of myself this far into my life.

On a last note (to be honest, I'm not sure if it's related), I've just never understood not wanting to get to know people. It's such a universalizing expectation (so I don't entirely like holding it) but, on a really fundamental level, I don't understand that concept. How do you meet people and not want to know more? How do you not consider it a rare privilege for someone to share parts of their life with you? My immediate reaction is to ask that they continue. My instinct is to throw aside whatever it is I had (something I haven't been entirely the best at doing recently, as my post regarding Amanda noted) to pay attention. How is it not to care and worry and put first? That isn't explaining it right. I can understand how one might not do those last listed three things on accident; what I mean is, how can your reaction to a person not be to want to know more and not be elation at a return of that interest? I suppose that sounds weird until you consider that the whole of our culture pretty much revolves around human connection. Even if it's with just one person, we want human connection. I just want to meet and celebrate every person I meet for every bit of uniqueness they possess. And I don't know why, exactly. I mean, I can come up with a logical defense, obviously. I think I started with that and this emotional reaction has gotten stronger over the years (I think that's largely because it took time to have deeper human connections that, without, I couldn't have ever realized were possible and, thus, have particular emotional responses). But I've always had a strong love for people that I sort of just assumed everyone shared. Not to say people can't be shit. I've known quite a few. But knowing some of the amazing, spell-binding people that I have (and the passion they have and the aspirations and potential abilities and care that they can command) – how do people not see the astounding potential in everyone they meet?

It's not quite related but it's a thought I've been having so I'm tacking it on the end here. While actually trying to orchestrate such a thing would probably never run smoothly (and potentially be astoundingly awkward for all involved), I'd like to see what might happen if all my exes were to meet and get to know each other for a day (that's a nicer way of saying it instead of "plop them all into a room and tell them, "Interact!") – and not just the ones I liked (though I actually would like all the exes that I truly consider to be amazing people to meet each other simply because such phenomenal people deserve to meet other such phenomenal and life-changing people like themselves).

No, I'd like all of them to meet each other because I'd be interested to know what I was to them. Was I sweet? Was I mean? Was I too sarcastic? But, more importantly, was I supportive? Was I helpful? Or was I destructive? Careless? Flippant? Cruel? Did I give them memories worth keeping, in spite of whatever fallout may've occured? Did I give them anything?