July 5, 2013

  • We went to see a parade in Barrington today for the 4th. This already feels like it's going to sound like a play-by-play and disjointed but oh well.

    Towards the end, there was this girl handing out BBQ pulled-pork (I think? Can't remember) samples for a restaurant in the downtown. It was pretty good so, for lunch, we all decided to go down there.

    I still don't remember if I was simply caught off guard (we happened to notice the girl who gave us the samples behind the counter when we arrived) or if there really was just something there but I was rather thoroughly struck by…I dunno, how open and friendly the other girl behind the counter seemed.

    I don't know whether I've necessarily ever discussed here (or anywhere, for that matter) why I always keep such a buoyant outward mood to the point of (I feel like it sometimes becomes) being exaggerative (I was going to also say hyperbolic but I think, given the definition of hyperbole, I would actually be okay with it being hyperbolic; it fits the bill). Yes, sure, there's the old I-have-depression-and-don't-want-to-drag-you-down-with-me but you don't have to even necessarily be outwardly happy to do that. Being anti-social and not talking to people could accomplish that one.

    It's that, one, I legitimately just want to get along with everyone and like being nice to people. I know it doesn't fit the motif of being mysterious or withdrawn or stoic for masculinity but I just feel happier being open with people. I want to be friendly.

    But it's also that people just seem to tend to be…unfriendly. And for seemingly no good damn reason. My brother and I were discussing race and I mentioned that, up North, I really don't seem to find that awkwardness that I've heard other people mention. He responded that he feels that all the time. Now, this is the kid who has diamond earrings and had an afro that is now dreadlocks; he's not exactly ducking into traditional white social mores in regards to his appearance. And I'm not saying that getting poor responses to his physical dress is not a problem; far be it for me to ever do that. Nor am I saying that the North is devoid of racism (one of the points of credit that the movie Premium Rush – about bike messengers in NYC – received was that it was one of the few Hollywood movies to depict the racial diversity of NYC more accurately to what NYC is actually like; to be fair, you'd never be able to levy such a complaint, ever, about Chicago and there's no way that that's an accident). And it's not like there weren't people in high school who found fit to define me by my race first (generally joking and friends I was close with so I generally didn't mind but, still, there was a slight trend which just highlighted further the fact that I probably knew a grand total of five other black students only once I got to my Senior year). And, certainly, being followed around in a convenience store is not the same as the number of racial jokes rising the moment I enter the group which is also not the same as people giving my brother dirty stares because of his hair style (which may just be because they're unfamiliar with the hair style and find it unkempt, etc.); those are all very different, complex situations.

    But I find, even for generally straight-laced me, that people are continually just bizarrely rude. Or awkward (without, to me, reason to be but I can make a pretty mean awkward situation in my own right so I probably shouldn't hold anyone to task for that one). Despite my being overly friendly, people don't precipitate. And maybe it is a race thing; I dunno, maybe my brother's right. Regardless, people aren't friendly because they're generally stupid and so I just smile and be friendly and ask questions or make jokes and I don't give a damn whether you laugh or respond or shit.

    But it also means I'm all the more happy and thankful when I find someone who actively tries to be friendly to others as well. I like friendliness. It's in low supply and helps the world go round.

    In any case, my brother and I have gotten into the habit of, after running into a girl somewhere, questioning whether she was actively flirting with either of us. I think it's partially from irony given the fact that I generally assume not and tend to be the shy one of the group (the conversation usually goes with me saying, "Naw…" while my brother, and maybe a third party, going, "Ohh, yeah, it was definitely obvious!") but also just to be ridiculous. After all, friendliness certainly does not necessarily flirtation mean.

    You can imagine how the conversation throughout lunch might go. This isn't helped by the fact that the girl stops over at our table to pet my sister's dog (though, to be fair, the girl came back later to ask if she could take a picture of Shiver to show her mom since she used to have a dog of the exact same breed; I may be bad at flirting but I'm pretty sure you use the dog to start the conversation and then direct your attention to whomever you're interested in flirting with).

    Of course, my mother doesn't seem to exist for any other reason than to try to play matchmaker for all her children at every second of every day. And, being my mother, the reason she uses is that "She's pretty."

    I actually would have said gorgeous but that's neither here nor there (I almost want to describe her but I can't really without beginning to strongly feel like I'm objectifying so I won't; the point for doing so is that, while not greatly, I think she fell outside, somewhat, "mainstream" beauty standards. Part of my own drawing, I imagine, and also why my mother described her as pretty while I'm using much stronger language).

    But as I'm mulling these thoughts over…what real defense do I have to ask this girl out? I mean, I'm in an unfortunate place emotionally while trying to get my life together. I'm still not done with my hermit-ing to heal myself for the future that may lose me near to all my friends come the end (there's only so long any person should have to endure the isolation of another). That's not a wise position to start anything with anyone, really.

    But, even beyond that…she seems really friendly and she likes dogs (something which is very wonderful in any person; pets can potentially tell you quite a bit about a person). And that's it. Well, she also works at this restaurant which potentially looks family owned. Which is interesting but doesn't necessarily mean anything. And when you compare that to the many more things that entail any form of a relationship, those few things are downright minimal. Certainly nothing that can justifying trying to start a relationship given the position I'm in with my life.

    And, most of the time I was there, I found myself drawn to her…but on what basis? Even I couldn't really answer you that beyond that I found her pretty. And while I've played with the notion of how people look playing into who they are as a person, I more often find that that area is so phenomenally complex that you generally can't glean anything from there without knowing more about the person to start connecting dots (if physical appearance beyond how a person dresses/styles themselves can tell you anything at all). Even I tried, all I could really boil it down to is a hunch: she seemed interesting. Maybe she would be; I wouldn't know.

    But it just overwhelmingly confronted me with the fact that, as a system, physical attractiveness still completely and utterly eludes any logical attempts to justify itself. Certainly to fit into just about any merit-based system that we, as humans, have ever devised (which, really, are just about the only systems I'm interested in using).

    I think that I can honestly say that this, more than anything, is what makes me question the notion of a God that created an ordered and logical universe. The more I think about it, the more that it being just a byproduct of evolution and pure chance that worked seems to be the only answer that rightly explains its existence.

Comments (2)

  • It's not like you suddenly become a superficial person if you ask her out because she seems nice, or like you put a ring on her finger. It could be a chance to get to know each other. I always hated the idea of a 'dating game' for that very reason. I haven't dated many people, but most of them were nice. I am only with one. I do think of the others as really nice people, but since it "didn't work out with ot" (WHAT decision do people expect if I am expected to make one after 3 time sof meeting up.)  Can't you just ask someone to be friends with you at first, without "pursuing a relationship"? ...well the answer is probabaly that this just ot how it works, actually (but it sucks.)I don't think that you should necessarily NOT be a relationship because of your situation. It's of course your decision...if you don't feel like it right now, you don't NEED a 'match'. But I do think that if you have kind of difficult times at beginning it helps you and her/him see what it's worth. I think we'll always go through phase in life where we feel lost, or just plainly down. At least the possibility is given, and I don't want to think of that as a 'legit' reason to just ditch me ( and wouldn't do the same either.) I kind of want to be sure another person canh andle dificult times IF they come. One of the guys for example completetly acepted that I 'needed my space' and would leave me aloe for 2 weeks straight. Just knowing that he could without being resentful was amazing. And I don't think your friends should or 'have the moral right to' end your friendships. They can do what they want but If they did, I'd judge the negatively. Of course it seems biased when I say this, because I want the same from my own friends... then again, they HAVE "put up with me" (to act like I feel guilty which I can't say I do) for many years. It's not unusual that I don't talk to some friends for months. Yeah I've lost some, and I'm sorry I dissapointed them, but they weren't intereted in me as a person anyway and I don't believe they are that sad. Sometimes friends apologize to me too, because they were stressed and didn't talk to me either. One friend said that you know you are really friends when you trust each other so much that you can talk like nothing happened after hallf a year (we didn't meet for half a year) and no one suspects that the other is 'gone' or wants to neglect them. I don't know about god and stick to the belief that this is something I can't know. I do 'believe in' evolution and I base a lot of my 'argumets' on it because it help me understand human behaviour. Not that I think our 'nature' is an excuse to be cruel though. I often thought about whether it's intelligent design though. I have that (maybe kind of silly) belief/imagination that 'god' (whoever created the universe) made a plan and watches us and plays with us similarly to a computer simulation or game. Maybe a few 'glitches', some 'bad' stuff are necessary, or coincidence or just part of his sometimes cruel game. I don't get that phrase 'we are made in his image' out of my head and think he isn't at the end of his 'plan'. After all humans have 'bettered' themselves throughout history, at least most of us in many parts of the world. Maybe one day we will enter each other's minds and devellop such a profound understanding for each other and for the world around us that we basically become like god, and that's what he wanted. Even if there is no god, say, outside of this universe, I hope that one day we'll be our own gods, and know so much that we recreate the dead or something. I watches some documenntary once were a scientist said that he believes it's likely that we are created by future humans. I suppose I prefer the idea of pantheism over atheism (even thugh some say it's technically the ame) because we DO HAVE or ARE spirits, and I am not emotionless and hopeless as some imagine an atheist.

  • @under_the_carpet – No, I don't think I would've been; in a different scenario, I probably would've gotten up the courage to ask her out (well, maybe. Possibly. There's a minute probability. The point is, I wouldn't've felt like I couldn't've). The part that bothered me about the scenario (and maybe I didn't describe it well enough in the post because, ultimately, they were feelings) was the degree of pull I felt about it in contrast to the level of logical reasons I actually had. Sometimes you have to take a risk to see where something might go; I wouldn't fight that argument. But there also times you have to be prudent and you can't simply use the thrill of someone new and whether or not ze'll say yes to go with a decision; there's so much more you have to deal with after than just whether or not ze says yes and I think I felt it was crowding my judgment."Can't you just ask someone to be friends with you at first, without 'pursuing a relationship'?"Heh, that's fair. I actually don't mind either way (a person does have the option to say no) but I tend to find I prefer the idea of dating people I've already been friends with. In part because I think that someone you're involved with really ought to also be your friend but also because I feel like a lot of who you have to accept in the other person has already been…shown? With someone new, you don't know, really, to what degree you're compatible. As you said, you're getting to know a person. Which isn't a bad thing. But I think there's some usefulness in that, when you get involved with a friend, you're getting involved with someone who has spent a good portion of time around you and knows you and yet still decides that they don't want to say, "No."Yes, you're right that people need to weather the bad times. But I find that, when I'm in a bad place, I don't do as well. I've stuck around for relationships that weren't doing well because I cared and that's what you should do. But I've also entered into relationships when I wasn't ready and that isn't fair to the other person and simply isn't wise. If I enter a relationship, I better be ready to give it full attention and, in the above situation, I don't think I'm capable of doing that yet.Perhaps. I don't pretend to know much when it comes to anything supernatural. But I have come to believe in order and this flies against it. And I'm not sure I know many atheists who wouldn't subscribe to the argument that people are emotionless or hopeless. Most atheists I know have been quite the opposite.

Comments are closed.

Post a Comment