October 29, 2011

  • You know, I've become friends with this absolutely fascinating and wonderful person recently – and I can barely find the energy. It's weird. Because I've attacked my school work fine this year; assuming I get to next Wednesday and past my midterms and lab, I'm not burnt out yet. And I've kept up doing things; I'm running InterFaith still with a thoroughly wonderful board, I've been involved with the band still and even been doing a decent job as the MoCA (the group is looking absolutely wonderful this year). Keeping things up with Williams Catholic as well. But when I have to show initiative for anything, I find myself being dead. I just want routine and to get by.

    Which isn't to say I don't want interaction with people. I think my club activity is a testament to that. And I'm still irate and irritated as usual about how my shyness is making interactions with people more difficult (having more organic and non-stilted conversations with Julia would really be nice, you know).

    But I think the issue is that I want people to be interested in me. I'm sick of feeling like I sort of have to butt my way into conversations or actively say hello to people because, outside of what constantly feels like a small amount of people, no one would bother to care if I didn't. Or they say hello to be polite but couldn't really care beyond that. Or, probably, I'm just being over-dramatic as usual. It's funny; I used to have to try to find friends who wouldn't mind or would bother me to hang out because of my natural tendency and preference to being reclusive; the point being, the reclusive-ness didn't bother me. Now it irritates me that I go weeks without seeing some people other than running into people and yet it's my own damn fault.

    I think, now that I think about it, that's the reason I've been so hesitant (that's actually being nice; it's been absurd to me, but it's actually been near-to complete apathy) about asking Margaret out. It's not like she's even been given a conscious decision about the matter yet (may not have even crossed her mind), so such behavior is not really fair to her, and yet I can't help but just not want to give effort to anyone who's not interested back; I want someone who is interested in me or what we're doing for just about anything I've had to do this year. So, I guess, that feeling of not wanting to even bother with those not interested back has just become instinctual, in a sense.

    And the thing is, Amanda is thoroughly fascinating. I have a decent amount in common with her. Even for those things where we're not, she's still damn interesting. It's like, I've been saying for the past two years that I really want to get to know people more. Partial point of college, right? And, as I've said enough times to make the ears bleed on here, I am fascinated by the human personality. I like getting to know people.

    And, if I'm sitting with Amanda in person (or anyone else, I've found), I could talk for hours. Share your life story, please; I can make time for a week a free time if it's needed. But this resistance to putting effort into anything seems to affect me in places where it doesn't even make sense. I feel like, back in the day, I wouldn't just respond to the E-mails Amanda sent me - I'd actively send others back that aren't just responses. I'd ask more questions than simply just respond to the contents. But I can't even muster the energy while not in person. I just want to dump the effort of anything we're doing on the other person, it seems. Which is stupid. It's not even helpful to the things I want. I'm struggling to find a way to label this even some sort of survival method.

    You know, I thought I had gotten over this. It's not the end of 2009 anymore, Jon.

Comments (3)

  • mhh...I can relate to being reclusive..I don't talk when I don't find it necessary. i hate small-tal uually. I can force myself, sure. But afterwards I feel so drained. And I don't trust in people so I am not going to start with my interesting topics...I'd say I hate this even more. I thin te thing is everyone wants the other to mae the first step. I usually try o test people...if they don't as me question and aren't open about themselves it's too "dangerous" to open up for me, so I wait. Maybe others wait too, and that's why so many people don't have really close relationships, especially not in real life. what was at the end of 2009?

  • @under_the_carpet - heh, yep; it's funny because social interaction is the one thing everyone assumes you will just be able to do. You may have to learn a job, you may have to go to school, but talking? Of course you can do that. And yet that "simple" task is so mountainous for us. Gah...

    And you're very right. That's one of the problematic things I realized about my friendship/relationship habits. I tend to make friends with those who're more outgoing just by virtue of not usually the one to approach first. Yet I tend to also have a strong affinity for those who are more withdrawn (for obvious reasons). Which isn't fair to them because I'm just expecting them to basically do all the work, then. A lot of my friendships, I've noticed, just fall through because of this, which is a complete shame.

    The end of 2009 was...a bad breakup with an ex of mine who I had been dating off and on for two years. She was (and still is) my closest friend and the entire ordeal really made a huge split in how close we were at the time. Given I had asked her out each time and various other things, I was tired of really concerning myself with a relationship that wound up ending so disconcertingly. So I sort of resolved that whomever I wound up dating next would have to be really interested in me. Essentially, I wanted someone who'd be as interested and invested in a relationship with me as I had been in my ex.

    That's sort of where I seem to be in the situation I wrote about above. I don't want to worry about Margaret and asking her out if there's a risk that she doesn't really feel the same way; I want someone interested in me enough to be willing to risk rejection in asking me out. So, that's basically what I meant. I'm back to feeling like there really isn't anyone willing to make that effort for me.

  • @under_the_carpet - btw, how have you been? I've been far too stressed lately to go on Xanga so I'm very out of the loop on everyone's lives.

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