February 15, 2011

  • Can't you please answer my questions?  You're so frustrating!  Don't you want anyone to care about you?!  People that love you will always try to tell you to do what they think is best, but that doesn't mean that you need to do it or ignore it.  Every situation is different.  But, for some of the things that I've got listed below, we need you're help to help you.
     
    Honestly, I sometimes don't get you.  It's hard to touch/reach you when you isolate yourself from me.  I just wish we were closer.  Is there any way that we can be closer?

    Love always,
    Dad

     

     

    Would it be considered cruel of me to only respond with a, "No"? Yeah, I know, I should stop asking questions I don't care about the answer for.

    There's a dream I've had. I've only had it twice but that's really more than enough, as far as I'm concerned. I believe both times it involved some event with the family. It's usually (I think) attached onto another dream, with the scene that's moved into including the entire family. My father is talking and I'm steadily getting more irritated. I say things which are ignored or taken the wrong way. I start to get snarky, becoming more caustically sarcastic and deliberately hurtful in what I say. This continues until I boil over and sort of stop everything else that's going on. In the last time I had this dream, we were all in the car and I - somehow - cause my dad to stop the car. I jump out and I'm absolutely livid. I'm shrieking at this point, completely shaking in my rage as I'm divulging literally every single grievance, hurt, and memory that's bothered me, ever. And I'm not being sarcastic anymore, or convoluted, or even just expecting him to get it without me explaining it; I am, in as clear of language as I possibly can, shouting every problem I've ever had and explaining why they've bothered me. The anger should get his attention, disallowing any possible distraction or to think that any of this is dismissible; the explanation is blatantly clear to me (remembering this is a dream, we can assume that the explanation actually is plain as day and ought to make sense).

    And he doesn't get it. He doesn't understand. And it's not even not understanding because he's too selfish or because he doesn't want to. And it's not understanding but simply not caring anyway. It's like he literally cannot understand so clear and obvious explanations, earnestly and honestly, and so all he wants to know is why in the world am I yelling at him, what did he possibly do to deserve such angry and violent behavior.

Comments (3)

  • Not presuming to grasp the precise nature of what went on between you both.  But I think I can pick up on in a generic way where your and his head is at.  
    Parents can be so--for lack of a better word--intrusive.  We aren’t the little kid anymore.  We’re growing into a new emotional level.  We need to flex our wings.
    And, speaking as a parent, that’s exactly the dilemma.  According to our time scale, a handful of years is like a handful of weeks to you.  When one has more than a couple decades to look back on, the years slip by like a workweek.  And when one reaches middle age, there’s the hope that one will live to see one’s grandkids and retirement.  But no one has that promise.  There’s an awareness of mortality.  Kind of like that thing you mentioned about a sense of procrastination and the anxiety of so much time having gone by.
    What he should be saying is, “Let’s do something together.  Whatever you want, whenever you want.”And let it happen.  It isn’t like he has to close the deal.  You are his son, after all.  He has a perfectly legit excuse for seeing or talking to you whenever.  It’s ironclad.  The ideal pretext.
    By the way--that can go two ways.  He’s obliged to give you the time of day.  A big regret of mine is that I waited before I was a father myself before I sort of opened channels with my dad again.  I lived in a self-imposed silence for many years.
    This may not apply one iota to the sitch between your dad and you.  If it doesn’t, just shine me on.  But I hope and pray that all good things may occur for you and him.

  • @wrybreadspread - I understand that now with me going to college and being around the house less, he may want to be closer. In fact, both parents have done this. It's like they hadn't realized (or maybe it just wasn't apparent) how our relationship had been deteriating. Well, rather, my mother has starting trying to become as agreeable as infinitely possible in order for us to get along, which generally allows for me to keep to myself. My dad, on the other hand, doesn't quite seem to pick up on any hint that isn't explicitly spelled out for him and thus keeps asking how to get closer despite my constant drawing away.

    What both of them are failing to see is that they've screwed things up so badly that it would take near a miracle in order for me to even emotionally stand being close to them again (which, I suppose, makes sense given that people often enough don't do what's wrong because they're fully aware what they're doing is wrong but because they don't realize what they've done is wrong).

    I certainly don't plan my dreams, so it's shocking to me how on point that dream is. The fact of the matter is, my dad doesn't seem to even hear me when I do talk or say something. He has this habit of saying something and apparently not capable of hearing the tone in which he says it because he continually sounds like he's just talking down to my siblings and I. And a multitude of other ways in which what I think or the logic I use as to why I don't wish to be treated a certain way is completely ignored.

    I don't even feel human around him. It's like every important aspect of my being is trivialized and that, if I hold on to them, he couldn't possibly treat me as his son anymore. I'm being vague, but it's things that - quite simply - he shouldn't do. It's like if you steal someone's stuff but don't realize that this isn't the way to show flattery of someone's style and tastes. It goes beyond what can be considered acceptable in terms of how you treat someone.

    The honest answer to his question is I don't want to be close to either of my parents, I want isolation from them. I feel too insulted, to invaluated by them. I'd much rather be elsewhere.

  • @thirst2 - 

    This is grievous. And I wouldn’t begin to try and talk you out of how you feel of deny the legitimacy of your feelings. It’s just the tragedy of a family isolated.

    I remember an old flick with Ryan O'Neal, Shelley Long, and Drew Barrymore. Irreconcilable Differences. She divorced both her parents because they were into theor various ‘things’.

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