February 11, 2011

• I understand that not everyone has been following this xanga since I first got it (Freshman year of high school - miss you Nox/Dana).

  Also, I understand that people change and do not stay the same forever.

   

  That said, there are some really basic tenets of me that have kinda been the same since probably as far back as I can remember. They're kinda in the "if you know me you most certainly know this about me/IT'S A GIVEN" category.

   

   

  The obvious one - yes, I go suicidal periodically throughout the year (and, sometimes, it even ceases to be periodic). Hell, for most hours out of the day, it sounds like a fantastically fun idea. And, whether against sound judgment or not, I occasionally read the Suicide FAQ when stressed.

  That said - if I was going to commit suicide, I would have done it years ago. I must stress that. Probably around Sophomore year of high school, most likely. There has barely been a day since Freshman year of high school where I have not contemplated suicide. If I was susceptible to those thoughts, I would not be here.

  Further, there is rarely ever a time I am not 120% aware of what I am doing. I over-think everything and still ponder acts, decisions, people, and events from years before. Any action I take has been thought through 10 million times. When I do something, it is for a very specific and thought out reason (so please do not correct or chide me when it comes to personal choices, unless it direly is directly related to treating someone else poorly/inappropriately). If I commit suicide, I damn well wanted it, and I'll've been pushed beyond anything else that's come before.

   

  Second, when I encounter situations that I don't like or go into an emotionally uncomfortable state - I recoil. I need to clear my head, so I withdraw and cut out all other distractions. Remember, I taught myself social behavior so responding to people takes constant effort and energy of paying attention to reading and interpreting all body signs. It is effort, it is work, and it is unnecessary distraction and energy-usage. I know you mean well, but I - need - space. One of the largest reasons I still refuse to forgive my parents for the shit they ran me through in my childhood is because they refuse to honor that simple request I've had for as long as I can remember - leave me the fuck alone. Minimize talking to me, don't be in the same room as me. If I am listless and non-responsive - it is not because I want you to pull me out of my shell. When I get touched or someone talks at me when I try to shut people out, I emotionally freak out (like being backed into a corner, I swear); I become bluntly rude; I DO NOT WANT.

  Leave me alone. Honor that one request. If it's a minor thing, I'll likely just rant to whoever I'm fond of or consider a friend (and, remember, it doesn't take much for me to consider you a friend). If it's something that really bothers me and I need to deal with, I'll take care of it myself. AND, if it's really bad, the only people I'm coming remotely close to talking to is either Laura or Vikki or Dods (with Allison on occasion and likely Kari, should she actually be on at the same time that I am).

  Honestly, I try to borrow almost nothing at all times, I always am willing to listen and help with whatever troubles someone has - the only thing I'm asking for (other than to be treated with respect and that you look at least half excited to see me should we bump into each other (we don't even have to hold conversation)) is to be able to drop off the map from time to time, to be left alone when I want alone time.

   

  Also - do not tell me what to do. I know I tend to take a severely hands-off approach to advice and help (which possibly may not, in the long run, be helpful) in part because I want people to be able to make their own choices but that is largely because I was ordered around and told what to think for the first 15-16 years of my life. As I said before, there's rarely anything I haven't thought out a million times already. You do not get to order me around, you do not get to tell me what I should think is right, and you do not get to force me into anything. I will fucking simply not talk to you - ever - should you feel there is a need to do that. Simple as that.

  Further, being told that I am unstable or incapable of handling things is further insulting. Yes, I tend to be emotionally unstable. And things tend to be worse for me than some people. But that does not mean I am incapable of maintaining stability. For all my drawbacks, I make it to my classes basically all the time, I get my work done, and I function in society. Things are more difficult, but I am functional. It's insulting to those who actually have life-debilitating depression and other health issues as much as it is insulting to my person.

   

  Finally - it is really fucking annoying when people come around and ask urgently for me. I've had two friends attempt suicide on me, most of those I know either had crappy homes/parents or are trying to juggle depression. You insult my time and my energy asking for me urgently when all you want to know is where I am or if I'm alright (note, Laura, you are completely exempt from this. You've already established a history of entirely-capitalized greetings and "shouting" my name on any sort of IM service so I know to not recognize that, generally, as urgently calling for me, plus you do something entirely different when you need me to be there to talk to you).

  When you need help, I respond. It is infuriating for me to start panicking because you were asking every 5 minutes for me just to find out it's a trivial question. It's flat out insulting. And I keep saying this because while it might not seem intuitive for most, all I feel every time is frustration strong enough to make me stand my ground on this. I respect when you have things to do and that you might have made plans that - surprise surprise - may not involve me or, even if you don't mind me tagging along in any capacity, that you simply were not figuring out ways to insert me into your schedule. When I am peacefully doing work secluded or talking for hours with a friend, do not spend 5 hours trying to contact when it is perfectly reasonable to assume I'm out doing other things and am fine (again, if I was going to commit suicide, I would not be around by the time you're asking for me). You damn better be depressed/sad or - God forbid - about to wrap a rope around you neck. Calling that much attention to yourself because you want me to drop all to run to an IM that simply wants to know if I want to do anything for the day is, to be honest, too self-centered for me to stomach.

   

   

   

  This is not being self-centered (did people actually respond seriously to Dan's post? Really?). This is asking for the right to express and have my own desires and wants satisfied. You care about me, that's great; honestly. Seeing the millions of times I have doubt about whether people are being sincere with me (and the amounts of times people have treated me like shit in the past), I appreciate genuine shows of support for me as a friend. And I want to always, always return those.

  But if I've told you something before and you ignore it - that is not respecting me as a friend. And if I have certain manners and habits that need to be done for my own emotional stability, depriving me of those is not respecting me as a friend. It's like keeping someone at home forever just because you're afraid they might be hurt. You emotions, your feeling, YOU is important up until the point that it infringes on another. There is no justification for incapacitating another - end of story. That's not being selfish, that's being considerate.

  • 8:26 pm
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