February 18, 2010
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I had been thinking earlier today and the thought crossed my mind that my depression might control my mood to an extent that is almost entirely domineering, like I have before.
Meaning, if it feels like casting everything in gray, then it makes all the little downers cause me to freak out and get majorly depressed and then the good stuff just becomes non-apparent.
Which is my current concept and understanding of how depression works, but not to that heavy an extent.
But let's say it is a huge extent. Meaning that nothing can bring you up at that time period because your depression makes everything seem just gigantically worse than it is. It doesn't matter how things are going, you'll feel awful and a little thing (like your schedule for the day being messed up) will feel like the end of the world.
Well, alright, so what? It's awful, unfair, sure, but it wouldn't be that big of a mind-twister. Plus, you've lived with it your entire life. You're used to it, nothing new.
But rather, let's say it has so colored everything. That might mean that those questions which couldn't seem to be answered, that feeling like something was off, like something needed to be done, and the restlessness that came with it - was just a result of bad feelings.
Meaning that they come directly from the depression. So you scour over your life, the choices you've made, how you've lived it, trying desperately to figure out how to fix this feeling like something's amiss.
Meaning it was all a lie. It didn't really exist.
Since those feelings of something being amiss were vague to begin with, I'm trying to make sense whether they were linked to depression. It's possible that what I had thought of earlier today was actually not those feelings of something being amiss but something else induced by depression. Maybe it was simply just bad emotions (i.e. a screwed up schedule being the end of the world). Or something else.
The point was, these periods of creating certain opinions and ideas about the world based on these feelings and perceptions weren't actually real. Basically, remove the depression and there wasn't anything really dramatic going on, anything that needed to be figured out.
And suddenly your mindset and how you view yourself is drawn into question. Again, those moments and times of your life were just a lie. They didn't technically exist, just figments of your crazy mind. Induced periods.
Now, I'm not exactly sure depression is that strong (or at least mine). And perhaps I'm thinking of it wrongly (after all, perhaps it's not so big a deal, in terms of the worries I listed above, if you happen to have your mood controlled sometimes; just another difficulty in life to deal with. For example, an handicap without legs has, so to speak, an induced "other reality" than everyone else. Does that make any difference?). It all needs to be sorted out more concretely.
Regardless, I feel better than I have within the past 3 or so weeks. Feels good.
Comments (2)
Yes. it's good to feel good.
I find myself a natural procrastinator. My emotions play havoc with that. Some days, it's like the sense of impending deadlines just paralyses me--and then in a matter of literally minutes, something will catch my attention and that whole mood disapates. And what I have next is the 'manana' complex--postpone it until tomorrow--which exacerbates the problem. What is the objective truth? Probably somewhere in the middle.
I look at it this way. There are true life-and-death issues and responsibilities which demand an ultimate attention--like you said about things existing. But least we be overwhelmed and just become quivering jelly, we need our coping strategies and pursuits.
It might be that I'm just rehashing what you're saying. Am I even conveying my point clearly? I think there's a scene in Gulliver's Travels where this group of guys say random things to each other--but it's been years since I cracked the book.
speaking of--been a while since I've been this way. Did you deactivate your background music?
@wrybreadspread - I think I know what you mean. Leastwise, I totally get the procrastinating part.
Just gotta figure out how to live, in its own right.
I haven't heard of Gulliver's Travels before, but I'll see if I can check it out.
Yeah, it's been a while since I've been active here. I still need to respond to a comment I left you few weeks back. I've just been trying, with all hope, to stay on top of my work these days. I didn't deactivate the music, though. It just might be the connection was slow, I would guess.
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