April 6, 2009

  • It's still kind of weird thinking I may or may not be allergic to certain sea food. I'm definitely staying away from clams for life, but I kind of miss actually enjoying shrimp.

     

    Today starts changes in the way I handle school. Plot out what needs to be done - do it, no distractions. I'm cutting into my time for dinner with this entry.

    The issue is I'm nailed up against a wall, a bit. I've given up on Orgo, to be honest. I'm hoping to get the grade drop, but, if I can't, there's really no point to keep hoping at this point; I have no clue what's going on in the class.

    And, really, I ought to be using the time for my other classes. I need to focus on my research paper and I need to focus on my previous paper for history - I have little idea what I'm doing, in total. Plus, I've recieved two C- papers for both english and philosophy today. Chem. is an indulgence of sorts - one I don't need.

     

    I can't remember if I've ever remarked it here. I probably have, way back when in the past. Certainly somewhere, if not Xanga. Like many things in life, it connects to other ideas (mainly that idea of being alive versus living). When things got near to unbarable but you were too frightened to take your own life, you simply gave up. Living was a goal - stay breathing, stay functioning (even if barely). It was attainable. Just stop caring. I used to think that included not caring about things that might bring consequences (namely, in this scenario, grades). You just had to get through.

    The issue is, to get through, you have to be able to just go through life. It isn't so simple now. Just getting by would result in poor grades which would definitely impact me later on. And, if I've made it this far, no way in Hell I'm gonna just back out now. That means caring at a later point in life. That means not having a load of shit to deal with when you "wake back up".

    I honestly never thought I'd end up missing it. Sophmore year constitutes some of the most emotionally trying memories of my life (largely pioneered by a raging depression). And it was then that such a technique was so necessary. But I can't float through life and just give up caring at this point. All or nothing, in a sense. Better get dinner; time's running and homework's calling.